Worried about my mother

spiderlashes5000

So my mother is about 77 yrs old. My father died two yrs ago after being ill for 20 yrs. A year later, my mother sold the house I grew up in in NYC and moved fulltime to her other house in FL. My relationship w/ my mother has always been rocky...but we always had a relationship! Now, nothing. She used used to visit me and the kids here in Ohio twice a yr. Now she won't. I used to visit her in NYC about once a yr (or more), but now she's not there. My daughter, whom my mother loved more than ANYONE, said she wanted to visit her in FL and bring some friends but my mother said no. I call my mother and try to talk and she couldn't be less interested. Sometimes she won't answer or even return my calls. My mother used to call my kids but now she never does. I recently tried to call her and discuss a prblm I was having and she told me she didn't want to hear about it. My mother, several yrs back, told me she would pay for my kids' college educations. I recently asked her about this bc they've been mentioning some pretty expensive schools, and she told me I was a liar and that she would never have offered such a thing....and she hung up on me!

My mother is very wealthy. She's preoccupied with the fear that someone is trying to take her money. Anytime I ask her any innocent thing (if she would join FB, if she has life insurance, if she wants to visit us for a week, etc.,) she accuses someone of trying to defraud her, steal her identity or take her money. Her house in FL was beautifully and fully furnished at one point...but now...she apparently has no furniture. And IDK what happened. 

Yes, she had been getting somewhat forgetful as years went by. But now it's on a whole other level. She doesn't remember her neices/nephews, my close friends from childhood, important things we discussed within the last few years. IDK what to do. I'm her only child! I live hundreds of miles from her, however. And I think she is becoming suspicious of me, too. A friend of mine who is a social worker told me I can call the Dept of Aging down there are ask them to do an elderly wellness check. She'd be LIVID if she found out i sent someone to her house! And I don't see how someone would really recognize she's declining if they'd never met her before. All of her siblings still live in Ireland. They are all younger than she is and seem sharper, based on my last interactions. Her sister, who is 9 yrs younger, visits her every summer. I want to call her and ask her if she notices the change. But I'm afraid she'll tell my mother and my mother will be PISSED. 

IDK what to do. I'm her only child but I feel like I'm now seen as an enemy in the last year or two. Anyone dealth with this? I know TNB has/is. 

Josephine

Wow have no advice really but sorry you are going through this. But it seems that it would be best to ask her sibling(s) if they are the only one who have seen her recently.

GuardianB

I haven't had to deal this either but I'm feeling for you and hoping for the best.  Does any relatives live near her?  I'd hope her own sister asking her questions wouldn't trigger resentment but I can see your concern.

BrittanyM

I'm sorry. I dont have advice, but sometimes dementia can cause behavioral changes. I would encourage you to call her sister and talk. You can beg her not to tell your mother, and even if she does, it seems your mom's not really talking to you anyway. I'm sorry this is happening.

Lotsawaves

It does sound like a health problem....maybe dementia.  She needs to see a doctor, but she needs someone to go with her to explain what is going on  If you think her sister would visit her & talk her into seeing a doctor, then I would say do that.  Explain to her sister everything that is happening & that your mom would be terribly upset if she knew you recommended this.  If your mom gets upset, then so be it  At least you know you tried  I would hope my daughter would step in.  So sorry you are going thru this.

curlypearl

I'm sorry you are having this trouble in your life Spider.  I agree with the other posters that unfortunately it sounds like dementia and that the best possibility for helping her is if her sister would get involved.  It doesn't sound like things will get better on their own.  Very painful and difficult problem for you.  {{{Spider}}}

Starmie

I'd definitely get in touch with her sister and explain what's happening and how concerned you are. Whether she tells your mum what you've said is out of your control but hopefully she'd see the sense in not telling her you've spoken about her. 
It may not be dementia related, sometimes older people can become quite delusional about money and then paranoid that someone's trying to rip them off. I've seen it many times, they can become quite fixed in their beliefs.

rouquinne

geez, SL, we really *are* living parallel lives! my mom is 78 and earlier said she'd move to a retirement community - preferably here in my city (Ottawa has longer, colder winters) - since her sister died and she lost her partner in crime and shopping buddy.

but she's abruptly changed her mind!

if my Uncle Roger moves back to England (and he's seriously considering it), we will have NO family left in Toronto for mom to call on. everyone else has left the city. my cousin Katherine lives closest, but she just had a new baby, and doesn't own a car.

my other aunt thinks mom has Alzheimer's - and i keep having to tell her that's not the case! my stepfather had it, so everyone in my family is sensitive to the tiniest bit of memory loss. but my mom is also a heavy smoker and the resultant brain plaques are part of the problem.

at least mom doesn't have the paranoia, which *is* a sign of something more serious than senior-forgetfulness.

so, ma chere, i think you will just have to tell your aunt (my mom is from Ireland, too, how weird is *that*?) and let the siblings step in.

my mom is going to BC tomorrow to visit her youngest sister and i'm going to ask my aunt to work on getting her to move. i know mom can't afford a retirement community at $3,500 a month (*yikes*), but apartments are cheaper here and she can get a smaller one with better amenities for less than what she's paying in the city. and one of her brothers lives here as well as my cousins in addition to me. i also have a friend who owns a senior-visiting service who would take mom on as a client.

send love and good vibes, SL, let me know how it goes.

Gretchen

Spider, it definitely sounds like a health issue. I hope you can get her help.
 Ditto, Rou.