soulmates

spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
I'm coming to the realization that I've never had a soulmate and maybe I never will. How big a deal do you think that is?


I was married and he was not my soulmate.


I'm in a three year relationship now, and he is not my soulmate.


I have been in many relationships (from te time I was 12) and haven't felt any was my soulmate.


I have voluntarily taken dating "breaks" to decompress from unsuccessful relationships and focus on other things (my faith, especially) so I don't think my issue is that I just bounce from one relationship to another without any self reflection.


I experience love easily and I am a trusting person. I am sure that I am heterosexual. I was never sexually abused.


I just don't feel I connect with anyone really well. I don't feel anyone really understands me. I often regret revealing private thoughts/problems/dreams to men I date bc they can't relate and sometimes even try to punish me with the information.


I am kind of at a crossroads in my current relationship. I don't know whether to let it go (due to this lack of compatibility) or figure out a way to work around its shortcomings and make the best of it.


How do you guys feel about this issue?

Comments

  • curlypearlcurlypearl Registered Users Posts: 12,231 Curl Connoisseur
    Spider, I really can relate to what you said about "I don't feel anyone really understands me. I often regret revealing private thoughts/problems/dreams to men I date bc they can't relate and sometimes even try to punish me with the information." It made me sad that you feel that way too.

    I don't know that it is that common for us to find "soulmates." I think that concept, like the idea of love at first sight and happily ever after, is an ideal that many people don't experience. I don't think there is anything wrong with someone if they don't find a soulmate. It's probably rarer than we think.

    I had a married close friend who considered her husband her soulmate and he often said the same about her. Unfortunately she died, but before that we went on a trip together and she revealed some ugly thoughts about him. After she passed, he came on to me and said some very ugly things about my friend. It was pretty disillusioning for "soul mates."

    Maybe don't count on putting all your eggs in one basket. It sounds trite, but try to love yourself first - be a soulmate to yourself. Sorry if that sounds corny, but loving and accepting oneself is so very hard. We look for that love and approbation in another and it is a lot of pressure both for you and for the other.

    {{{Spiderlashes}}}
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  • MunchyMunchy Registered Users Posts: 5,206 Curl Novice
    I love my husband more than I ever thought I could love someone. Does that make him my soulmate? Maybe. I do feel like I can share and discuss things with him without judgement, but I also feel like most of my inner thoughts are best shared with my therapist and nobody else.

    I don't know if that's why I have a therapist (though I make no progress, nor do I work toward any discernible goals) or what.

  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    curlypearl wrote: »
    I had a married close friend who considered her husband her soulmate and he often said the same about her. Unfortunately she died, but before that we went on a trip together and she revealed some ugly thoughts about him. After she passed, he came on to me and said some very ugly things about my friend. It was pretty disillusioning for "soul mates."



    Great post! Thnx


    But omg the above! That is HORRIBLE. And has me disillusioned, too. And I'm only hearing about this secondhand. That is awful.


    I once heard my bff say her (now ex) husband is her "best friend." I couldn't believe she was saying that bc they have repeatedly cheated on one another in the 20+ yrs they had been together, had physical altercations and had all kinds of other issues. I'm still confused by her having said that. And they have been separated since shortly after she said that.icon_shaking.gif

  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    Munchy wrote: »
    I love my husband more than I ever thought I could love someone. Does that make him my soulmate? Maybe. I do feel like I can share and discuss things with him without judgement, but I also feel like most of my inner thoughts are best shared with my therapist and nobody else.

    I don't know if that's why I have a therapist (though I make no progress, nor do I work toward any discernible goals) or what.


    Do you wish he was B's father? Do you wish you would have met sooner?


    Why do you feel better discussing private thoughts w/ your therapist rather than him? (SO and I recently started couple's counseling and it seems to be taking forever...not sure she gets me either! LOL)

  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 20,729 Curl Virtuoso
    Happiness is kind of arbitrary and can be found with soulmates and without them. I've had 6 long term relationships, from a couple years up to 10 years. I was madly in love with some of them, some were love on an average scale, 1 was my soulmate. I still miss them all in one way or another (and I'm still friends with them in varying degrees). I miss my soulmate most of all. But it's possible to be happy without any of them.
    I don't really love my current boyfriend, at least not as much as he loves me. It will end at some point. I don't really care if I have another relationship. I'm 60 and perfectly happy to be alone. In fact I prefer it most of the time.
    --I'm located in Western PA.   --I found NC in late 2004, CG since February 2005, joined the forums in May 2005, started going grey in late 2005.   --My hair is 3B with some 3A, currently at mid back length when dry,  texture-medium/fine, porosity-top is low, middle is medium, ends are porous, elasticity-normal.   --My long time favorite products are Suave & VO5 conditioners, LA Looks Sport Gel, coconut oil, honey, vinegar.   
    --My CG and grey hair progress -  
    http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/going-gray/179328-jeepys-grey-hair-progress.html   
    --My article at NaturallyCurly about going grey - 
    https://www.naturallycurly.com/curlreading/color/how-i-went-completely-gray-and-loved-it
  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 20,729 Curl Virtuoso
    Oy, these double posts. Grrr.
    --I'm located in Western PA.   --I found NC in late 2004, CG since February 2005, joined the forums in May 2005, started going grey in late 2005.   --My hair is 3B with some 3A, currently at mid back length when dry,  texture-medium/fine, porosity-top is low, middle is medium, ends are porous, elasticity-normal.   --My long time favorite products are Suave & VO5 conditioners, LA Looks Sport Gel, coconut oil, honey, vinegar.   
    --My CG and grey hair progress -  
    http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/going-gray/179328-jeepys-grey-hair-progress.html   
    --My article at NaturallyCurly about going grey - 
    https://www.naturallycurly.com/curlreading/color/how-i-went-completely-gray-and-loved-it
  • JosephineJosephine Registered Users Posts: 14,408 Curl Connoisseur
    I understand what you mean. I know everyone's definition of soulmate is different but basically for me it's my best friend who completely understands and accepts me and likes (not just love) me a lot. I've been in love 3 times and never felt like any of them understood me at all (now looking back it at) and never did I feel like we were truly on the same team.

    I also have realized that no one understands me(including siblings) except maybe my parents. I have aspergers too which makes it difficult for people to get me. Most of the time everyone(including the siblings i grew up with) assumes something completely opposite about me and don't want to hear explanations. So how can I expect a guy to get me??

    I've given up on trying to find a bf. I'm at the stage now I want to improve myself financially and in other ways and enjoy life while discovering this huge city I just moved to(nyc). Maybe I'll meet someone in the mean time but I don't believe anyone will 'get' me and I don't think I can lower my expectations and be happy unless it's a non monogamous relationship and we just see each other sometimes. I have one of those now and he makes me happy for the moments but it's a shallow/superficial thing and I purposely don't talk about too much to keep the peace and have some happiness.
  • JosephineJosephine Registered Users Posts: 14,408 Curl Connoisseur
    Sorry don't know if I actually answered your question -

    "I am kind of at a crossroads in my current relationship. I don't know whether to let it go (due to this lack of compatibility) or figure out a way to work around its shortcomings and make the best of it.

    How do you guys feel about this issue?"

    I know that in the past I have not been able to be with anyone who doesn't understand me. I feel like if I ever want to be with anyone seriously I would have to let this go but I feel like I would be pretending and not myself so I don't think I can. I haven't had the chance to try it out if I even wanted to go that route.

    Sorry you're going through this, how does he feel about it?
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Registered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I don't believe in soul mates. It is just finding someone who you love and are compatible with. Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    Happiness is kind of arbitrary and can be found with soulmates and without them. I've had 6 long term relationships, from a couple years up to 10 years. I was madly in love with some of them, some were love on an average scale, 1 was my soulmate. I still miss them all in one way or another (and I'm still friends with them in varying degrees). I miss my soulmate most of all. But it's possible to be happy without any of them.
    I don't really love my current boyfriend, at least not as much as he loves me. It will end at some point. I don't really care if I have another relationship. I'm 60 and perfectly happy to be alone. In fact I prefer it most of the time.


    Why do you think you broke up and stayed broken up from the soulmate? Do you think you were his soulmate, too?

  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 20,729 Curl Virtuoso
    ^Yes I was his soulmate too. But just because people are soulmates doesn't mean that life can't get in the way. When his father died, his mother refused to sell her house and move into something smaller that she could take care of. So he was guilted into going to live with her and take care of her. I am not that sort of person and would never live with a parent, not my own, not my soulmate's. So we parted ways but stayed close for years. The only reason we don't see each other very often now is because his current girlfriend is very insecure about he and I being friends so I backed away to let them live their life.
    --I'm located in Western PA.   --I found NC in late 2004, CG since February 2005, joined the forums in May 2005, started going grey in late 2005.   --My hair is 3B with some 3A, currently at mid back length when dry,  texture-medium/fine, porosity-top is low, middle is medium, ends are porous, elasticity-normal.   --My long time favorite products are Suave & VO5 conditioners, LA Looks Sport Gel, coconut oil, honey, vinegar.   
    --My CG and grey hair progress -  
    http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/going-gray/179328-jeepys-grey-hair-progress.html   
    --My article at NaturallyCurly about going grey - 
    https://www.naturallycurly.com/curlreading/color/how-i-went-completely-gray-and-loved-it
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    ^Yes I was his soulmate too. But just because people are soulmates doesn't mean that life can't get in the way. When his father died, his mother refused to sell her house and move into something smaller that she could take care of. So he was guilted into going to live with her and take care of her. I am not that sort of person and would never live with a parent, not my own, not my soulmate's. So we parted ways but stayed close for years. The only reason we don't see each other very often now is because his current girlfriend is very insecure about he and I being friends so I backed away to let them live their life.



    That sucks! Sorry. Maybe you two will still have your chance.......icescream.gif

  • MunchyMunchy Registered Users Posts: 5,206 Curl Novice
    Munchy wrote: »
    I love my husband more than I ever thought I could love someone. Does that make him my soulmate? Maybe. I do feel like I can share and discuss things with him without judgement, but I also feel like most of my inner thoughts are best shared with my therapist and nobody else.

    I don't know if that's why I have a therapist (though I make no progress, nor do I work toward any discernible goals) or what.



    Do you wish he was B's father? Do you wish you would have met sooner?


    Why do you feel better discussing private thoughts w/ your therapist rather than him? (SO and I recently started couple's counseling and it seems to be taking forever...not sure she gets me either! LOL)

    I don't wish we met sooner. I'm glad we met when we did because we wouldn't have been attracted to each other at any other point in life (maybe in the future).

    I hate being an emotional burden on anyone, so I'd prefer to pay someone to listen to me than put all of my emotions onto someone I love.

  • Who Me?Who Me? Registered Users Posts: 3,181
    I don't like the term "soulmate" because to me it implies there is 1 single person in the world who is your soulmate. Personally, I think that is a ridiculous idea. We are all growing and changing--someone might be perfect for you now and terrible for you in 10 years (or 10 years ago), and life situations can get in the way. I firmly do not believe that "all you need is love", and I think the term soulmate implies that all you need is love. You can love someone and want totally different things and a relationship will not make you happy with that person. You need love and shared goals for a relationship to work.

    I think my father was the only person in my life that has ever really understood me. He died when I was 17. My husband, however, accepts me completely even if he doesn't understand me. It's a subtle difference, but an important one.

    I have friends that I love dearly and being around them makes me feel like I can exhale and just be myself. It's a great feeling. I believe each one of them is a "soulmate" to a portion of my soul, if that makes sense! But none of them is the end-all-be-all person I want to be with. And even though I love my husband dearly and he's really my best friend, that doesn't meet he fills those voids that my friends do. I don't think one person can, or should, be your everything.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 20,729 Curl Virtuoso
    ^ Maybe my definition of soulmate is different than others. I think there can be more than one soulmate in a lifetime. And for me my soulmate was much more than just love. If I ever meet another soulmate, that would be great. But if not I'm still happy with typical love, like, lust, friendship, etc.
    --I'm located in Western PA.   --I found NC in late 2004, CG since February 2005, joined the forums in May 2005, started going grey in late 2005.   --My hair is 3B with some 3A, currently at mid back length when dry,  texture-medium/fine, porosity-top is low, middle is medium, ends are porous, elasticity-normal.   --My long time favorite products are Suave & VO5 conditioners, LA Looks Sport Gel, coconut oil, honey, vinegar.   
    --My CG and grey hair progress -  
    http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/going-gray/179328-jeepys-grey-hair-progress.html   
    --My article at NaturallyCurly about going grey - 
    https://www.naturallycurly.com/curlreading/color/how-i-went-completely-gray-and-loved-it
  • geekygeeky Registered Users Posts: 4,995
    I guess it depends on what your definition of soulmate is.

    I don't believe one person can fulfill all of my needs. I've been married to the same man for 15 years. We still like and love each other, support each other, have a good time together. He very much gets me in many ways. But not in all ways. Female friends get me in a way he never will because he is male. Friends from my childhood/teen years get me in a way he never will because we share that history. There are things I will tell those friends and not necessarily him, not because he will judge or use it against me but because he does not have the same connection to those things. Just like there are things he doesn't usually discuss with me for the same reason. And there are things I don't discuss with anyone except my therapist, not because they are big horrible secrets but because it's about me keeping my own mental house in order and she is the one I pay to help me with it.

    And no matter how we love each other, we are both going to be attracted to other people too, especially after so many years together and especially since I am also attracted to women and he is not a woman.

    I also don't think soulmates are forever. There are friends that I was super close to and felt like they really got at various times in my life, but that ebbs and flows as lives change.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    Wow, two long time boardies! I hope you pop back in again soon. Hope you're well.

  • afrosheenqueenafrosheenqueen Registered Users Posts: 5,400 Curl Connoisseur
    I can relate. It used to bother me a lot. Like maybe I'm not open/ vulnerable enough or I'm too standoffish or something. I have a soulmate. But I'm not his soulmate. So with that experience now, I think it's just how life goes sometimes.
    4a/b Texlaxed hair w/ highlights. Medium texture & high porosity.

    HG's: CJ Daily Fix, Bobeam Cheris Hibiscus shampoo bar, KC Spiral Spritz, Knot Today, CJ Rehab, KBB LL Hair Mask, Cassia, KCCC, oil blend of Avocado, Camellia, Jojoba, & Meadowfoam oils

    SL APL BSL MBL
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    I can relate. It used to bother me a lot. Like maybe I'm not open/ vulnerable enough or I'm too standoffish or something. I have a soulmate. But I'm not his soulmate. So with that experience now, I think it's just how life goes sometimes.
    \


    Awww how disappointing. icon_cry.gif How did you realize that he's yours but you're not his?


    I recognize your name from way back when. Are you the social worker w/ the husband and 3 kids? Or I could be wrong.....icon_redface.gif

  • afrosheenqueenafrosheenqueen Registered Users Posts: 5,400 Curl Connoisseur
    I knew he was my soulmate because it just works when we're together. We agree with just about everything, love to do the same things, attraction, even similar temperament but he is one of those who has a "type". All his gfs look the same. Like sisters. I can't get into or understand that type of dating preference so I wish his stupid face luck with that. :tongue5:

    I remember you too, Spidey! No, I was never married. I lived in Kansas City as a teacher but moved to Washington DC a few years ago.
    4a/b Texlaxed hair w/ highlights. Medium texture & high porosity.

    HG's: CJ Daily Fix, Bobeam Cheris Hibiscus shampoo bar, KC Spiral Spritz, Knot Today, CJ Rehab, KBB LL Hair Mask, Cassia, KCCC, oil blend of Avocado, Camellia, Jojoba, & Meadowfoam oils

    SL APL BSL MBL
  • JosephineJosephine Registered Users Posts: 14,408 Curl Connoisseur
    Any updates Spidey?
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine wrote: »
    Any updates Spidey?

    Thanks for checking, Josephine.


    My situation has gone from bad to worst. IDK what I'm going to do. It's very confusing and depressing. Very hard to explain bc it's 3.5 years of ish.


    He's still here for the time being. IDK how long that will last. I'm really torn over it.


    icon_thumbdown.gif


    Anything working out well for anyone?

  • JosephineJosephine Registered Users Posts: 14,408 Curl Connoisseur
    I'm sorry :(. Are you guys living together? Does he know it's bad?

    I'm still single but found a 'fun' guy last weekend. Hung out again this past weekend and it was great. Finally met someone I'm attracted to since I moved here and lives so close.

    Have a date tonight but he's not so attractive and a little older than I'd prefer so I'm not looking forward to it..I got over zealous last week and agreed, but we'll see, could be fun.
  • GretchenGretchen Administrator Moderators Posts: 10,840 Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:
    I'm sorry :(. Are you guys living together? Does he know it's bad?

    I'm still single but found a 'fun' guy last weekend. Hung out again this past weekend and it was great. Finally met someone I'm attracted to since I moved here and lives so close.

    Have a date tonight but he's not so attractive and a little older than I'd prefer so I'm not looking forward to it..I got over zealous last week and agreed, but we'll see, could be fun.
    @Josephine
     You can't leave us hanging!

    Gretchen
    NaturallyCurly.com co-founder
    3A

    You are beautiful!
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Registered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I know, Gretchen.  Not sure why some threads fizzle out & leave us hanging. Maybe they think we have lost interest.  
    I really thought my last relationship was with my soul mate.  One of the posters said she felt she was with her soul mate, but knew he didn't feel the same.  I think that was my situation.  Maybe I just wanted it to be. I feel the best relationship is when you are physically attracted to each other, compatible, honest with each other & both making an effort to help the relationship keep growing.  I also feel you need to be comfortable with each other & can be yourselves.  My last bf kept trying to change & control me.  This new man I have been talking to (2 to 3 hours on the phone every night) is fitting the bill, so far.  Our pasts are very similar, so we can relate to each other.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • GretchenGretchen Administrator Moderators Posts: 10,840 Curl Virtuoso
     This new man I have been talking to (2 to 3 hours on the phone every night) is fitting the bill, so far.  Our pasts are very similar, so we can relate to each other.  
    Sounds promising!

    Gretchen
    NaturallyCurly.com co-founder
    3A

    You are beautiful!
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Registered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    Gretchen, the only problem is that neither one of us have a pot to piss in.  A TX term.  A Neurologist wants to meet for breakfast soon.  That could be promising too.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."

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