Feeling like ****.

Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
I feel like ****. I'm feeling a bit suicidal to be honest. The majority of my life I've always been stressed and sad since I was 13. I am 26 and I would say of the past 13 years of my life, only 5 have been decent and good-feeling. The other 7 have been pretty ****ty pits of misery.

The past 2 years have been especially tough. I graduated college (after busting my ass!!) and am now stuck in a ****ty dead end job that I dread going to every day. I feel so stuck. I'm not sure what to do. I'm tired of hoping things will get better.

I've been with my fiance 3 years, and I think he has gotten sick of me the past 2 years, and fallen out of love with me. Without him, I have nothing. I barely talk to my family, I just have one friend who is as depressed as I am, and then my job at a daycare that I hate. Before that, I was a teacher, and hated that too. I wouldn't want to be engaged to myself either...

Life just feels so meaningless. I look back and wonder, if I killed myself a couple years ago, would I have saved myself some pain? Life just has not been living the past few years, and the majority of my life has been ****ty.


That's all. Don't know where to go to anymore. I don't want to tell my therapist and be put on suicide watch. and I don't want to tell anyone close to me and have them be concerned. :-(
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Comments

  • Curlista93Curlista93 Registered Users Posts: 411 Curl Novice
    Finch, usually things DO get better. It's hard sometimes but eventually things fall into place. It takes time, how much time varies from person to person. You're only 26, most people are not exactly where they want to be until after their 30s. You have plenty of time.

    I think that you should tell your fianceé how you feel if no one else because he's your fiance, he's there to help you. Why would you guys be in the process of getting married if he didn't love you? See? I can imagine you're scared that your family might pass judgement on you if you tell them but if you're serious about this they could be able to help you. You don't have to talk to someone all the time in order for them to help you and you also have your therapist.

    As a starting point you can utilize the internet to find people in similar situations as yours. It's a good place to release your emotions if you feel no one around you understands you. The fact that you posted here let's me know that you really just want someone to talk to. You can speak with us or other forums everyday if you need to.
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  • Curlista93Curlista93 Registered Users Posts: 411 Curl Novice
    Are there any hobbies you enjoy? It's a good idea to take time to do those things to balance out the stress. When it's always all work and no play, life can get pretty stressful. I would make sometime after work to do the things that I really enjoy or do it on the weekends. It can help clear your mind.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    Please tell your therapist immediately! Receive the treatment you need and deserve to be able to live a fulfilling and productive life. Now, plz!
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I agree with Spider. Contact your therapist immediately. She is there to help you. You are worrying about being on suicide watch yet you say you are feeling suicidal. Are you on any medication? If not, maybe that will help. If so, you may need it changed.

    You can talk to your fiance, family, friends & they will just be a sounding board for you & yes it can be draining on them. That is why you need the therapist. She is trained to help you. If you don't feel she is helping you then it may be time to get a new therapist.

    It really sucks to be at a job you don't like. It can drain you emotionally & leave you depressed. Have you thought of going to a Life Coach to help you find something you will like? (((HUGS)))
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • PerriPPerriP Registered Users Posts: 6,613 Curl Neophyte
    Please talk to someone.

    It will and does get better.

    1 (800) 273-8255

    1-800-784-2433

    Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org!
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  • Curlista93Curlista93 Registered Users Posts: 411 Curl Novice
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    Have you thought of going to a Life Coach to help you find something you will like? (((HUGS)))
    That's a good idea too.
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    Last Relaxer: 2/11/2012
    Latest BC: 11/24/2018


  • Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
    thanks for all your replies. Maybe I do need a new therapist.

    I was on sertraline for a year and I didn't like it, it made me numb. I don't want to use drugs to control my emotions.

    Life Coach sounds a bit hoakey.

    but perhaps a new therapist will help things.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I understand you not wanting to use drugs. I'm the same way, but there may be a chemical imbalance or something. Have you been to a dr recently to have some tests run?
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Registered Users Posts: 12,231 Curl Connoisseur
    I also don't like using drugs, but sometimes if you have been depressed for a long time a chemical imbalance does develop. Then a short course of the proper drug can help your hormones and chemicals stabilize and make it possible for you to find ways to become happier and more satisfied.

    People respond to different approaches and varied therapies. One little book that had a profound influence on me is "Constructive Living" by David K. Reynolds. I've had psychotherapy, hypnosis, and drugs and this little 106 page book had as much influence on me as years of other treatments. I didn't like what it said at first and put it aside, but years later it had a profound effect on me when I picked it up again.

    That book may not work for you at all. Maybe cognitive therapy or some other therapy or drug will work. Don't give up sweetie! Please believe me, something or someone or some book or some religion or some change in your life will help!!! Meanwhile, keep posting if that helps. We are thinking of you.
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  • Therese1Therese1 Registered Users Posts: 2,563 Curl Virtuoso
    I'm so sorry that you're feeling so depressed. I have depression too--actually, PTSD from an abusive childhood--and I know how endless it can seem. I don't do meds either, because they make me feel drugged. Drugs aren't the answer for everyone. I have done herbs in the past (I went to a natural practitioner) and acupuncture. The herbs helped more than the acupuncture, but some people have great success with acupuncture.

    Do you like your therapist? If not, I would get another one, one whom you feel you can be open with and trust.

    I would give your fiance the chance to love you through this. Do you still love him? Do you feel comfortable talking to him about how you are feeling and letting him know how important he is to you?

    I think the point of the life coach is to find someone who can help you determine what kind of activities and what kind of job would be more enjoyable for you. Working a crummy job can create nasty depression (I've been there too).

    What helps me emotion-wise is to have some stable groups for socializing. I started taking ballroom dancing lessons, and that gives me short periods of time almost every day of the week to interact with others but without having to share too much about myself (since we are busy with an activity, there is less talking than otherwise). I think it is also helpful to have some kind of spiritual group, like at a church, where you feel accepted. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right group, but it is worth it once you find one.
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  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian CanadaRegistered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 10,904 Curl Connoisseur
    Hopefully you feel comfortable posting here, we're always around as a sounding board.

    I don't really have anything to offer, I did go through a crisis around 25. I had spent a few years traveling, and when I came home, my friends were all in careers, had houses, getting married and having kids. I felt like I was starting from scratch, it was really hard to get through. I tried a few different jobs though, and finally found a place that fit well.

    My brother is very anti drugs, but went through a really bad time a few years ago. We didn't know where he was for over a week, didn't go to work, friends hadn't seen him, not like him at all. He finally saw a Dr and went on anti-depressants and said after a few weeks once things had settled, he didn't actually realise how bad he was, until he got to the other side of it and started feeling normal again.

    So many hugs coming your way, and we're always here if you need anything.
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  • Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
    I broke down to my poor fiance this morning and told him everything on my mind. It sucks because he used to be so full of love for me, but now he is very worn down. He said he just wants me to be happy, and that I'm too sad too often, which I agree with.

    But talking to him made me feel a smidgen better.

    I am looking for a new therapist now and it's a huge pain in the ass. I did call my current one today. She had time to call me at the end of work, which was really convenient. Didn't help a whole lot but whatever. Her hours and location are convenient, but I don't feel a strong connection to her. Searching for a new therapist is already a pain. Not many take my insurance. And I would prefer someone with hours outside of the working day, because I am paid hourly. so that's a bummer.

    As for drugs...I just feel like the issue I have is not a chemical imbalance. It's a way of thinking about myself and my life. I was still a bit of a grump while on prozac.



    With all the feeling slightly better I still feel weirdly dark and sick to my stomach. I'm trying to fight off the depression but. Every day is a struggle. I'm afraid I won't be able to become a more positive person in time to save my relationship with my fiance. I need to change my outlook and maybe my career...which can take time. And if I am stuck in my current rut, working at a daycare...I don't know. I really don't want to do it. It's depressing. I majored in Spanish, I hated teaching, and there doesn't seem to be much bilingual related work out there. so. I'm very scared for the future. The past 2 years have been ****, and I don't want the next 2 years to be **** too :(
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I'm glad you talked to your fiance & understand his feeling worn down. It's hard for someone who is wanting to go forward in a relationship & can't becuz of an illness or depression, etc. I was wondering if you would consider tutoring students. I thought maybe you would feel more comfortable with a one on one. You can do that in their homes or even online. Maybe you could do this until you decide what you would really enjoy doing as a career & would have the time to take some courses for a new career, if needed. I do still think you need a different therapist & I'm sorry it is so hard to find a new one. Damn insurance! I know people who have had to go thru 3 to find the right one. If you don't find a way to deal with your past then even a new career won't help. I'm curious. Was all this going on before you got engaged to this man?
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • Therese1Therese1 Registered Users Posts: 2,563 Curl Virtuoso
    Good for you for talking to your fiance. I have found that being an open communicator helps the stress level. That way no one has to guess what the other person is feeling. I hope you can stay open with him, and he with you.

    I am concerned about your fear that you have to "get better" in order to save the relationship. Were you able to talk to your fiance about that? That is a huge burden to put on yourself, and it will cause a lot of anxiety for you. If your fiance knows you are feeling that way, maybe he will be able to set your mind at ease and support you?

    I'm glad you're able to look for a new therapist. If you can't find one that takes your insurance, there are also some that are more charity based, that take clients on a sliding fee scale. I think Catholic Charities does this; I'm sure there are others. That might give you more options.

    As far as jobs go, have you considered being an interpreter for a hospital or clinic? In my neck of the woods, there is a lot of work like that, although I don't know how much training would be required. I also like the idea of the tutoring.

    I feel the same way about drugs too. I just don't feel like myself while I am on them, and I want to be myself, even if that involves a manageable amount of depression and anxiety. Although I have had success with alternative forms of medicine (supplements and herbs), they don't fix the problem; however, they do take the edge off so that I am more functional and better able to deal with my past.

    I have found that when I am depressed, I feel like it is endless and that it will always be that way. I think that the fear you have of the next two years being crummy is partly based on your current emotional state. Once you can get a chink in the armor of the depression and feel a little better, you will have the energy and the hope to do what you need to move your life forward.
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I just wanted to say that whatever you decide to do, we are here for you. We do care.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    I know people who have had to go thru 3 to find the right one. If you don't find a way to deal with your past then even a new career won't help. I'm curious. Was all this going on before you got engaged to this man?

    Yes, this struggle was going on before I met him. Looking back, I remember being concerned that I wasn't emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship, but we were so in love that I decided to go for it with him anyway.

    The first therapist I ever had, back in college, was amazing. Unfortunately she moved 2 hours and like 100 miles away from me.

    And you're right that a new career won't automatically fix things. I just remember being decently happy in college one year when I had a set class schedule and was pretty settled into my part time waitressing job. I feel like I just need that kind of consistency again. Though it did take me a few years to even enjoy college. The first two years, I was pretty depressed that I did not get into a better one, I couldn't afford to live on campus/on my own, and still didn't know what to major in. The one year I felt happy and stable was after seeing my favorite therapist about self esteem issues.
  • Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
    Therese1 wrote: »

    I am concerned about your fear that you have to "get better" in order to save the relationship. Were you able to talk to your fiance about that? That is a huge burden to put on yourself, and it will cause a lot of anxiety for you. If your fiance knows you are feeling that way, maybe he will be able to set your mind at ease and support you?

    I'm glad you're able to look for a new therapist. If you can't find one that takes your insurance, there are also some that are more charity based, that take clients on a sliding fee scale. I think Catholic Charities does this; I'm sure there are others. That might give you more options.

    As far as jobs go, have you considered being an interpreter for a hospital or clinic? In my neck of the woods, there is a lot of work like that, although I don't know how much training would be required. I also like the idea of the tutoring.

    I have found that when I am depressed, I feel like it is endless and that it will always be that way. I think that the fear you have of the next two years being crummy is partly based on your current emotional state. Once you can get a chink in the armor of the depression and feel a little better, you will have the energy and the hope to do what you need to move your life forward.

    hm I wonder about charity based therapists. I assume they would be overworked. Catholic Charities may be wierd since I applied for a job with them a few months ago. I'm also not religious.

    I did talk to my fiance about getting better, I mostly said I will try to be stronger. He says he is here for me and wants everything to work out, but I know realistically that he is human and can only take so much of me being a constant pit of misery.

    tutoring is not very reliable income. Interpreting would require more schooling. I feel like I need a combination of therapist life coach mentor to help me figure out what to do. I feel like just being an administrative assistant would be fine, but I've applied to at least 40 jobs in the past 2 months, done about 6 interviews, and gotten none of those jobs...

    I"m really hoping to find that chink in the armor for depression. depression sucks ass.
  • Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    I just wanted to say that whatever you decide to do, we are here for you. We do care.

    thank you, and thank you so much to everyone who has replied.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I hope you don't mind me asking, but I'm trying to get a better understanding of your situation. What had you stressed & sad from the time you were 13?
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Registered Users Posts: 12,231 Curl Connoisseur
    ^^^More information is always helpful and Lotsa has a good heart.
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  • Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
    As to what made me depressed since I was 13...I'm not totally sure myself. I think I am just naturally very anxious. I grew up poor and I guess I was always worrying about my future and being financially stable and out of my overbearing mother's house. My family also is not very emotionally supportive, so I think I always had to bottle things off and fend for myself on my own.

    I was happiest my last 3 years of college (2010-2013), when I enjoyed my major, had a lot of structure in my life, and made enough money from my part time job to live comfortably. I had a full scholarship and so, no money worries there.

    I was also pretty happy my freshmen year of high school (2004-2005), because I went to a private school for that year, and there was a lot of structure, and maybe being around wealthier, happier people helped boost my mood too.

    My sophomore year of high school I went back to public school and became very depressed, maybe partly because my small, poor town doesn't have much going for it. I was pretty depressed from 2006-2009 because I felt I had nothing going for me in life. I didn't like my high school or town, my parents were not terribly interested in my school progress or extra curricular activities, and then I had to live at home while commuting to college and watching my friends live it up living at college dorms. I felt very alone during that time. All I did was work, study, eat, sleep, go on internet, etc.

    And now that I've graduated and realized there is no magic hidden career that goes with a Spanish degree, I am trying to fight off becoming depressed again. I'm scared for my financial future, and I want a job that excites me.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I wasn't raised in a well to do family & my father was an alcoholic . My mother was very bitter. She took it out on us kids. We weren't physically abused, but were pulled into their drama. Drama that we were too little to understand. Neither were active in my school years. I didn't have the money to go to college. I married young, becuz my mom felt that when I was 18 I needed to move out. She didn't care that I wasn't prepared for it.I went thru 20 years of mental abuse. So did my children, who he really didn't want. I left the marriage 25 years ago and I have been struggling ever since. I have definitley had my down times, but I'm strong & a survivor. You need to forget your past & move on. Believe in yourself. You may have jobs you don't like. At least you can support yourself.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • Therese1Therese1 Registered Users Posts: 2,563 Curl Virtuoso
    My parents were also overbearing, and we were very poor (looks like a theme here!). I didn't realize how much the poverty had affected me until recently. I would never buy myself anything and didn't know how to "enjoy" my money. I also subconciously ignore my own needs, especially my emotional ones, because I was emotionally neglected as a child and made to feel like my feelings didn't matter.

    I did well for many years after graduating college, but then I was in a car accident several years ago, and all of my emotional problems were triggered. They were triggered because I was feeling helpless on some level--I was unable to work, and I was afraid for my future. I was scared to ask people for financial help and help around the house, because it was a cardinal sin in my family of origin to be weak. I am getting better with accepting that I have more needs than others, and with asking others for help. It is hard, but I am finding that other people really do care about me and really do want to help. But there is part of me that is closed off to accepting their love, because growing up, I learned that I would always be betrayed and violated in the end--or I would have to allow myself to be used in various ways to get what I needed.

    For some of us, these feelings from childhood resurface and are triggered by events in the present that remind some part of us of our emotional past. The feelings from the past were not dealt with, because no one was there to help you deal with them. No one supported you and said that your feelings mattered. No one ever validated how you were feeling and told you that you were right to be upset or sad at how you were treated.

    Your past is a part of you and has formed in a large part the basis of the person you are today. But that "past part" is hurt and in need of some emotional healing. It would be nice just to say that the past is over and we move on, but there are some parts of you that are hurt and cannot move on and need to be loved and treated with compassion, the compassion you never got as a kid.

    I think it would be very healing for you to have access to people whom you can be open with about your feelings and who you will see still love you even if you don't feel love toward yourself. People who will validate your feelings and let you know that you are OK just as you are. Things like finding the right job can help the worst of the symptoms, because some of the triggers are no longer there (like the fear of an unhappy future), but I think that emotionally fulfilling relationships where you can be vulnerable might help some of the underlying emotional issues.

    I hope I don't sound like a know-it-all. I have been in therapy for maybe five years now, dealing with the abuse from my home. Childhood abuse and neglect has a far-reaching arm, unfortunately.
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I think most of us have had to deal with crap in our lives. What is important is how we deal with it now. You can give up & feel sorry for yourself or you become a suvivor & move forward. I prefer to move forward with my life.
    I can remember in my past here I posted that I was on the way to the drug store to pick up some medicine to do myself in with. On the way I turned around & came back home. I had so much support here. I learned to love myself. The good, the bad, & the ugly. I am not going to let life defeat me. I'm much stronger than that & I want you to be that, too.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    How are you doing?
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
    Hello, for some reason I stopped receiving email notifications when you guys were responding.

    Lotsawaves: wow, I can't believe you went through 20 years of abuse. That's awful. It's a struggle for sure to stay positive and be fighter rather than give up. I'm trying but man does it suck...

    I will soon be going back on anti depressants to help me through this.

    Friday night my fiance told me that we should break up. My battle with depression and anxiety has worn him down. My current fear for my financial and job future is eating away at him as much as it is to me. I don't want to drag him down with me, and I have felt him pulling away more and more the past month, so I am somewhat ok with us breaking up. He says he still cares about me and wishes he could be stronger for me, and he has been crying with me, almost more than me, over us breaking up. It sucks so much. Both of us have barely been unable to eat from the stress.

    This coming Saturday, as luck would have it, one of my sister's room mates is subletting a room, so I will be able to at least move in with my sister for 3 months and have her there for support and not be totally alone.

    "there are some parts of you that are hurt and cannot move on and need to be loved and treated with compassion, the compassion you never got as a kid.", very true Therese1. I feel like my mom and dad never gave me the love I needed to feel secure and like a good person. They never discussed emotions with me or fears, they were always too busy to listen. I don't know if I can ever fix this.

    "I think it would be very healing for you to have access to people whom you can be open with about your feelings and who you will see still love you even if you don't feel love toward yourself. " well, I thought my fiance would be this person but I was too much for him :-/ I have my sister at least, she is pretty understanding...but god damn will I miss my fiance cuddling and holding me when I feel down. And bringing me nice snacks, cooking me nice food.

    So all in all a lot is going through my head. Sometimes I told myself that if he ever leaves me, I will kill myself. He has been the light at the end of the tunnel during my depression, which of course is too much of a burden on him. Living with my sister for a few months may keep me afloat, but who knows. I am really feeling like ****. He has been amazing and so loving, we were together 3 years, and it sucks that I drove him away by being a depressed mess. I don't want to be single. I hate it so so much. I don't know that I will find someone like him any time soon :-/

    He asks me if we are making a mistake in breaking up, and if I would take him back if I start to improve my mental health and feel better. I don't think we will get back together, so it hurts in a way to have him asking this, but it also feels good to know he is not just slamming the door shut on us. Maybe we will get back together, but the future is so scary and dark right now that I can't know for sure.


    I try to hope that things will get better when I'm on anti depressants. Maybe I will magically find a better job. Maybe I will join the air force and let them take care of me financially. Maybe I will find a boyfriend who is a better match. I hate the dating search though. Just like the job search.

    For now I just feel sick to my stomach.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    Maybe you should reconsider the breakup. That's yet another disappointment you will be going thru and the loss of your main social support. Can you ask him to hang on a bit longer? (In the meantime, try every treatment modality you can - self help books, support groups, light therapy, change of diet, exercise, spiritual counseling, psychological counseling, meds, supplements that are not contraindicated while on meds, etc.) Maybe your bf can spend more time w/ his friends or doing some recreational activities apart from you so he isn't so overwhelmed.

    The really military stigmatizes mental health issues; they usually put their ppl out right away when a mental health issue is discovered (and that's why so many forego treatment and turn to alcohol and suicide). The (US) military really isn't the place if you have mental health issues.

    I'm wishing you the best!
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I never get email notifications. I thought they stopped doing that.
    I'm glad you are able to move in with your sister. You don't need to be alone especially with your breakup. That's going to be a big change for you. I'm going thru that also. The lonliness can be overwhelming at times. Maybe break up, but leave the door open if you are able to get better. I do think he loves you. That could motivate you to get the help you need & focus on yourself. A lot of people will probably think your fiance isn't a good person not staying with you, but it can be really draining. He also has to think of himself & what he wants for his future. Do please keep us posted & continue to come here for support. You are not alone. We are like a family here & we care.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • Finch00Finch00 Registered Users Posts: 191 Curl Connoisseur
    Spiderlashes, I looked it up and it turns out I would have to be off meds for a year before I could join the military. Damn.Oh well. I would like him to hang on a bit longer, but when I look into his eyes, I can see that he is really done :-/ and if I wait longer, someone will take my sister's sublet, and then I will have to move in with some random room mates.

    I'd like to leave the door open, but it feels like once you go on a break with someone, that is it. Also, he is French and working on a PhD. A woman just started at his lab who speaks french, has given a talk at the UN, and is getting a phD as well so. I feel like he is leaving me for her and that gives less of a chance of us getting back together. She seems better than me in many ways.
    I wish I never went off sertraline this past January. It made me panicky and I think it's why I jumped into this **** job. I had unemployment benefits, and was working with a temp agency to find general nonprofit office work. Once my long-term temp job ended, I kind of panicked and applied to a daycare, for some reason thinking it wouldn't be so bad, and I could job search while working there. When my two past temp jobs ended, I had unemployment to fill the gaps. I feel like I could have crawled my way up the nonprofit ladder. One offer was even for a place at harvard. It was 20 hours per week but unemployment would have paid the rest. Now that I work at a daycare I'm kind of stuck. If I quit, there is no unemployment shield. The only way to try and cobble together temp jobs to climb into something permanent would be to live with my parents, so that I don't have to worry about one ending and not being able to make rent. Meaning an hour commute into the city, and also living with my brother and his two kids. God it would be depressing. And even then, there is no promise that being tossed around by the temp agency would lead to a solid nonprofit office job. I loved the first one I got, and just didn't luck out for the next gig, and then I was tired of relying on the temp agency and wanted something more permanent but now I hate where I am :-(

    I could try the temp agency one more time. But it means taking time off work for interviews, and I already got reprimanded by my current employer for calling out sick too much. I also had an interview with the temp agency last week, and told work a week beforehand that I had an unexpected doctors appointment, but they wouldn't let me go :-/ so I missed that interview and now the temp lady is probably pissed at me.


    I don't know. And then in September, I turn 26 and am off my parents' health insurance, so I don't know if I'd be able to continue on antidepressants, especially with my job prospects so shaky.


    ****.


    Well sorry for the long ranting life story, just feels good to type it all out.
  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian CanadaRegistered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 10,904 Curl Connoisseur
    Is there another area of teaching to look into? Something the joins that and non-profit togeather?


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    I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
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