uncomfortable with so's friend

kolochitakolochita Registered Users Posts: 118
My boyfriend and I have only been together a few months and we recently moved in together. Back in December I first met his group of friends and through his brother I found out that my boyfriend had pursued one of the girls he calls his friend. After what his brother commented, my boyfriend told me the basics of the story (he had liked her, she wanted to remain friends, she was also seeing someone else). He apparently pined after her for quite a while (according to his brother) and tried hard to get her to like him as more than a friend; somehow they are now friends. I had told him in the beginning that I'd rather not know details about his past because, frankly, I don't want to hear about it. After his brother made his comments, however, I had no choice but to know about it.
Right now this is bothering me, knowing he is going to meet up with her for drinks. Especially since he admitted to still feeling attracted to her. Granted it is the middle of the afternoon and he did ask me if I wanted to come along. I met her before and she is nice enough but I just don't want to be around her right now. Seeing how weird I feel about this, I'd rather be antisocial for a bit.
I'd like to hear you guys' and your different points of view. I feel like I have some growing up to do.
Latina

Type: 3a
Dense, fine/medium texture, low porosity

Low-poo: Devacurl No-Poo/ Yes to Carrots Nourishing Shampoo/ Elacel Aloe Vera Shampoo
Conditioner: Garnier Fructis Triple Nutrition Conditioner
Leave-in: Devacurl Set It Free/Lush R& B
Styling: Herbal Essences Set Me Up Spray-Gel/ L'Oreal Silk & Gloss Curl Power Mousse

Comments

  • curlypearlcurlypearl Registered Users Posts: 12,231 Curl Connoisseur
    I'm not sure why you feel you have some growing up to do. I'd say your boyfriend might be the one to do some growing up. I don't like the sound of this, but I'm not sure what you should do/not do. I hope you get other responses in this thread. I think this is not an uncommon dilemma and it is tricky.
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • PerriPPerriP Registered Users Posts: 6,613 Curl Neophyte
    Friends are one thing. "The girl I really wanted but didn't want me and friendzoned me who I'm still attracted to" is another matter entirely.

    If you're invited, maybe go. Otherwise you are saying, "sure go out alone with that woman you are attracted to"

    Question yourself as to why his brother would tell you all of that. (And have you verified what the brother has told you)

    Moving in with someone has all sorts of ups and downs. Perhaps clearly discussing your expectations of the relationship and of him (and him of you) would be good. Because if you just moved in and he's fine doing this (and you are obviously not fine with this), what's this going to look like in a few months. Generally speaking people are putting their best selves forward during the beginning stages of a relationship.

    I would figure out what you want and what you can live with, then see if his belief system aligns with yours

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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    I'm going to say my personal opinion & you can listen to it or not. 1st of all why move in with someone after just a few months? It can sometimes take a year to really get to know someone. As far as the other woman. I don't think there should be the question of whether you should go. The answer is that he shouldn't go. If he is over her & into you. Why add this kind of drama into the relationship?
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • BluebloodBlueblood Registered Users Posts: 1,748 Curl Neophyte
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    I'm going to say my personal opinion & you can listen to it or not. 1st of all why move in with someone after just a few months? It can sometimes take a year to really get to know someone.

    Since I have a brother and a sister who got married within a year of meeting their other half I can understand why some people move in after a few months. My brother is still married after 22 years and my sister after 9. They had other partners who they were going out longer with but refused to move in with.
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    As far as the other woman. I don't think there should be the question of whether you should go. The answer is that he shouldn't go. If he is over her & into you. Why add this kind of drama into the relationship?
    This is why the OP should go out with him when she is invited rather than being anti-social.

    Some guys start feeding their female friends' cr*p about their relationship thinking this will make them more attractive.

    If both the OP and the female friend show they are clear on their positions and they get along, the guy will realise he can't try this.
  • JosephineJosephine Registered Users Posts: 14,408 Curl Connoisseur
    Too complicated. I wouldn't be interested in a guy who is hanging out with another woman who he dated or was interested in and definitely not still attracted to! It's immature and unnecessary. I know some pple are okay with it but not my thing or something I'll deal with it.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    I can't believe he told you he is still attracted to her!

    I have male friends and some of them are actually exes. So I get that part. But a lingering attraction? NO!

    I think you should tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable when he socializes with her, and especially if it is one-on-one.

    He needs to make a choice and reassure you (thru his actions) that she is totally unimportant to him.
  • MunchyMunchy Registered Users Posts: 5,206 Curl Novice
    I can't believe he told you he is still attracted to her!

    I have male friends and some of them are actually exes. So I get that part. But a lingering attraction? NO!

    I think you should tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable when he socializes with her, and especially if it is one-on-one.

    He needs to make a choice and reassure you (thru his actions) that she is totally unimportant to him.

    Yep. All of this. If he's currently interested in her (WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE TELL YOU THIS?) then it's just a bad situation all together. I'd really prefer that my partners not put me in a position to "compete" with anyone. I don't compete...I quit.
  • kolochitakolochita Registered Users Posts: 118
    Update:

    We had a long conversation about this and turns out there were a couple of misunderstandings. First of, he wasn't meeting just her but also other friends. Then, he misunderstood me when I asked him "are you still attracted to her?". He thought I meant if he found her attractive not if he felt any lingering attraction.
    He also told me more of the story between them, which briefly put is this: they've been friends for seven years and nothing ever happened between them, even though he tried in the beginning. Somewhere along the line (after a year) he realized she really wasn't interested in him and that considering both their personalities, it would be better if they remained friends. He does say he is not interested in her.
    I'm not really friends with my exes, but with guys I dated casually, I am. I guess because it was so chilled out from the beginning that the transition to friendship was easier.
    After the conversation I still don't feel like the next thing I want to do is be friends with her. Also because I don't like people being pushed on me, as if I have to like them because somebody else does...

    I appreciate everybody's responses :) it makes me feel better, honestly.


    Sent from my MotoE2(4G-LTE) using CurlTalk App
    Latina

    Type: 3a
    Dense, fine/medium texture, low porosity

    Low-poo: Devacurl No-Poo/ Yes to Carrots Nourishing Shampoo/ Elacel Aloe Vera Shampoo
    Conditioner: Garnier Fructis Triple Nutrition Conditioner
    Leave-in: Devacurl Set It Free/Lush R& B
    Styling: Herbal Essences Set Me Up Spray-Gel/ L'Oreal Silk & Gloss Curl Power Mousse
  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian CanadaRegistered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 10,904 Curl Connoisseur
    Glad you guys were able to talk it out 😊


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
    Audrey Hepburn
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Registered Users Posts: 12,231 Curl Connoisseur
    Kolochita, maybe I'm cynical but I'd still be cautious if I were you. His explanation that he still finds this woman attractive but doesn't have any lingering attraction sounds like splitting hairs, although literally, I do understand there is a difference. Trust your gut.
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    Sounds like a lot got misunderstood in your 1st conversation with him. Either he doesn't communicate well, you don't listen well, or he is back pedaling.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."

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