Taking care of family member

curlisue1

Hello. I have to make a decision really soon. My mother has dementia and she's declining. She can't walk on her own any longer and she's not being checked on enough at the current assisted living facility she's in. I'm going to either move her into another facility or take her home and take care of her myself, with the assistance of home health care, and I may also be able to get the assistance of a neighbor that works in a long term care facility.

I don't think my mother will end up living much longer honestly. But you never really know with these things. I hate my job so I have no problems leaving it.

Has anyone taken care of a family member who is ill? What kind of things should I be considering? I'm in the states and I'm not sure that aides making minimum wage would really provide good care. I feel that the nursing homes are not good places, although I did find one so far that seems fairly nice. I'm not sure which would really be the better option for my mother.

The house does have a handicap accessible bathroom and bedroom on the first floor. Any insights or experiences or things others have learned would be great to hear.

Thanks!


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PerriP

Juana may be able to help here, possibly Spider as well.

I know there are others with experience. Maria, too, I think.

juanab

Mom just passed away today. She was in an assisted living facility from the time she left the rehab facility from her hemorrhagic stroke to her death. It was the best decision we ever made. She received good care (better than what we could have done) and she was loved by the staff and residents. My mom was also wheelchair bound, had aphasia and aphrasia. The toll it takes on you to deal with that on a 24/7 basis is daunting. The assisted care facility was the best choice for us all.

curlisue1

Thank you Juanab. I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.


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curlypearl

Curlisue, I am so very very sorry to hear about your mother. The mother of a close friend of mine had Alzheimer's. She did well in an assisted living facility. Also several of my cousin's parents are in assisted living facilities and are receiving very good care. Unfortunately, it seems money really counts here; they are in situations where the staff are very well paid. Is there any way you can speak with relatives of people who are in the nursing home you are considering? Is there a social worker either at the facility you are considering or a social worker you know or anyone else who could help you get information about the nursing home?

I know it is a terribly difficult decision and my heart goes out to you.

{{{Juana}}} I don't often pray but will send a prayer for you and your mom. I wish you lived near me so that I could just be with you. I'm sorry for your pain.

Wavycat

First, my prayers are with all of you. I admire the strength to make any decision sometimes and this is one of those times.
One thing to remember is in a nursing home I always feel it's better if someone makes frequent visits at different times and different days. It's so hard with dementia but I think nursing homes have a small advantage because they do know what to do in certain situations and they have protocols in place. If she goes on hospice that's different. But nursing home staff do know when to intervene and that might save time in urgent situations. As I said before that I admire the courage to make any decision sometimes. I pray for stength for you.

Starmie

I've not had to go through this myself but am a psych nurse and worked for many years with dementia patients. I don't think I would ever recommend looking after a relative at home tbh, especially if you're the only family member involved, the toll it takes, physically and emotionally, is massive. A colleague of mine nursed her father and it was so hard to see her struggling, and she had four siblings and her mum pitching in, all but one of whom had a medical background of some sort (and lots of contacts).
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's a very difficult situation to be in.
Juana, I'm sorry to hear about your mum passing. Take care.

Dedachan

Juanab, I am so sorry for your loss.

Curlisue, I have no advice, but I admire your willingness to take such good care of your mother. I'm sure you will figure out what's best. There probably isn't a wrong or right answer, just that which makes the most sense to you.

Round of (((hugs))) for everyone!

spiderlashes5000

I'm so sorry, Juana. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Curlisue, my mother takes care of my very disabled father who suffered a stroke in 1996 and now has advanced dementia, Parkinsons, seizure disorder, can't walk, can't talk and has myriad other problems. IDK how she does it. At first, he stayed home for a few hours alone everyday but his situation deteriorated and when my mother was ready to retire (forced retirement from 9-11), his situation became such that he couldn't be alone, and it just fell on her. Now a home health attendant comes in three times a week for a few hours, which basically just gives my mother a chance to run to the store. My father is a veteran so he is eligible for better services than most, but it's still not much. I don't believe Medicare would pay for anything until they drained their savings and my mother isn't willing to lose money, so she keeps them out of it.

Are you saying that you would want to be compensated for caring for your mother? I believe there is some compensation available. Have you contacted organizations like? Your state's department of aging would also have resources and know of programs.

I'm praying for the best for you and your mother! I hope she is not suffering too painfully. And I hope you find the strength to carry on with peace and some joy in your life, despite these challenges.

curlyprincess1

Yes, it's very hard for all involved, especially directly. God Bless.

curlisue1

Well I moved mom to a memory care facility today and I think it was a huge mistake. I'm going to give it a couple of weeks to see if mom can settle in there. It was just way too loud. I don't think anyone there gets any rest.


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juanab

Still praying for you curlisue1.

spiderlashes5000

Let us know how it turns out and what you decide to do.

curlyprincess1

I know it's tough. Hang in there! (((hugs)))