Advice wanted about friend

curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 12,226Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
What do you do, or what excuse do you use to "reject" a friend's invitation when you don't want to hurt her feelings?

I have this new friend who wants to spend more time with me than I want. She is not asking for anything unreasonable but I absolutely require lots of alone "me" time. I've tried telling her that but she doesn't get it.

Are white lies OK in this context, like making up "other plans"? I am at the point of dreading hearing from her because she always wants to get together and do things.

How should I put her off without hurting her?
2/c Coarse hair med. density.
Highly porous. Color over grey.
I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
Every day is a gift :flower:

Comments

  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,772Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    CP, I require a lot of alone time, too. What stands out to me is that you have explained this to her & she doesn't get it. You have explained yourself, so I don't see any reason to make up excuses or tell white lies. Just tell her that you don't feel like going out. You have things to do at home by yourself. If she presses tell her the truth. It could be cleaning, organizing, reading a book, etc. Sounds like she may be lonely. Sometimes lonely people can impose themselves on other people. I've had this happen to me on more than one occasion, so I've gotten good at saying no now.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • Therese1Therese1 Posts: 2,563Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I wouldn't make up white lies, since you've already been up front with her. I would just say something like, "I appreciate the invite, but I really need to spend some time by myself. I get worn out going out all the time." If she keeps pressing you, just keep saying the same thing. A psychologist I know calls this the "broken record technique."
    Low poo: Intelligent Nutrients (IN) Harmonic; Oribe Cleansing Creme
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    LI: CJ Beauticurls; Jessicurl (JC) Gelebration Spray
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    Low-porosity 2a/b baby-fine hair
  • PerriPPerriP Posts: 6,613Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I say this: "sorry, I have plans"

    Often times those plans involve sitting on my couch, taking a hot bath, reading a book.

    It's not a white lie, if your plan is to spend time alone.

    If pressed, I say, "I've just got a bunch of things I need to take care of"

    The other thing I do is tell people in advance that I'm spending a weekend I hibernation or whatever. "Just letting you know I'll be out of pocket this weekend, I'm planning on hunkering down and recharging my batteries, I probably won't even answer my phone"

    I had a friend who called me every evening on her drive home. Okay, maybe not every but 3-4 days a week. Sometimes I just didn't want to talk. It was hard with her because there we're a lot of comments like "I tried to reach you yesterday but you didn't pick up" and she took it personally. But i started getting grumpy every time i talked to her so i knew i had to do it. eventually (months) she got it and I'm much happier talking to her now once or twice a month.

    Other options include not taking her calls or texting her back to decline invites and asking her at the start of the week (or month, whatever the case may be) what her plans were and say you have a lot going on so could you pick one afternoon (or dinner or whatever) to "get her on the calendar to make sure we get to spend time together". That way she knows in advance it's only that event and she sees you making her a priority.

    ~ sent with love and good intentions ~
    Modified CG since Dec 2011
  • BeinDebBeinDeb Posts: 583Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Oh boy! Can I relate! However, I will offer you a different perspective...

    When I was in my mid-20s, I moved out of state to attend college. As I knew no one, I spent the first semester in the dorms. I was a serious student, who by nature required a lot of alone time (still do, it's just me). There was a young lady who pestered me unmercifully. No matter how tactful or rude I was, I just couldn't get rid of her. She drove me absolutely crazy!

    Long story short, or maybe very long (lol) that woman became my best friend. To this day, 30 some years after the fact, out of state distances, marraige, family deaths and births, we're still sister close! This just may be a Blessing you're not realizing yet!
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 12,226Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Thanks everyone for the helpful responses!

    Lotsa, you are right. I'm sure she is lonely. I feel sad for her because of this but also in a way I feel I'm being used, because I suspect it's not me in particular whose company she enjoys, it's anybody who could fill in that loneliness and that she might drop me as a friend if someone "better" came along. I could be wrong about that though and I'll only know in time.

    Therese, I agree with you not to tell white lies. This is the same person who repeatedly encouraged me to lie to men about my age and I have refused to do that. I really don't like telling lies so I won't do it. I've also heard of the "broken record" technique and I'll incorporate that into my arsenal until she gets the picture.

    Perri, I like that phrase "I've got a bunch of things I need to take care of." I really think extroverts don't understand that! They get recharged seeing people; I get recharged just "chilling." Definitely going to use that phrase and hope she is polite enough not to ask "what things"! If she does, I'll make a joke about figuring out which banks i'm planning to rob, etc.

    Hey BeinDeb, I hope you're right. Could be - I just don't know yet. My best friend died early (before 50) and I miss her so much. I'm not sure this new friend and I are on similar wavelengths so to speak. Thanks for your input :)
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    "I'll pass but thanks for thinking of me!"

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I just say I'm tired or busy and have a lot of chores to do around the house.
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 12,226Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Spider: short but sweet: :thumright:

    Josephine, you are very honest. Definitely better than a white lie.

    Thank you both for your input.
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    curlypearl wrote: »
    Spider: short but sweet: :thumright:

    Josephine, you are very honest. Definitely better than a white lie.

    LOL, is that considered mean? I guess maybe to some it seems like I don't want to hang out them. The truth is, I love getting out and doing things but I have limits. When I'm physically exhausted I need to stay home and relax. Sometimes I need to catch up on chores at home or I feel overwhelmed if it piles up too much.

    My friend that seems to have unlimited amounts of energy knows this about me, she'll still ask because eventually I'll say yes. Or when I'm ready I'll ask her because she's usually out and about.

    I'm really not sure why someone would be offended I am tired and need to rest or have things to do around the house instead of going out all the time. I guess if you never hang out with her, she should get the hint and not ask anymore. I've had a couple friends that I always have to ask and it seems like they are doing me a favor by hanging out so I don't reach out to them anymore.
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 12,226Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Jo, it never occurred to me that your response was mean. I don't think so at all, but I'm not on the receiving end of the rejection.

    I'll handle it carefully.
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:

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