People who dont believe in sex before marriage

Michelle555Michelle555 Posts: 25Registered Users
I want to wait until i'm married to have sex. Not for religious reasons but i believe that sex is special and sacred. This has to both apply for men and women. Yesterday i was watching the felicia mabuza suttle show on teenage pregnancy and how girls get pregnant and boys don't take responsibility. The one teenage father said that you must wait until marriage instead. There are so many risks like stds, unwanted pregnancies and low self esteem. If people want to have sex before marriage they shouldn't be judged. If people don't believe in sex before marriage they shouldn't be ridiculed.

Here are some people who waited.

"Sex is a learning experience for everyone, and if you both approach it as virgins, it's even more special because you're learning together! Sex is also NOT the most important thing in a marriage, though it's a wonderful perk." —Lesa Brackbill

"We waited. So many relationships nowadays are based around sex. When that gets boring, what do you have? My husband and I wanted to make sure we were in love with each other, not our sex. We were together for three years, engaged for one year. The wedding night? Very exciting and amazing, as it should be! Not something you can get if you've already been intimate." —Leah Michelle McElroy

"I am very glad I waited and don't regret waiting until marriage at 23. Everyone does what is right for them, however, in today's progressive society people who wait are scorned for their choice, whilst those who sleep around want to be free from judgment. Why can't both sides remain free from judgment? I never slept around—why should I be ridiculed for such? I did what was right for myself." —Michelle Nicole

"I waited for my husband. I was raised believing that it was how God meant it to be, and I felt if there was a chance my marriage would be blessed because of it, I wanted that. As I grew up, I realized that I was only going to give my virginity to a man who truly valued and loved me. And until I met the man I married, no one before him was worth it to me. When my husband and I started dating, he said, "I won't be the reason you break the commitment you have made." And for four years, he never pressured me into changing my mind. We have been married three years, together seven, and I know I am blessed both by the man I call my husband and the fact that I don't carry the weight of past (sex-related) regrets." —Lindsey Romo

"It was the best decision we made." —Odell Valencia Mahabeer

Comments

  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,904Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Connoisseur
    I think to each their own if it's what people really want.

    Sex is a huge part of a relationship though, and if two people aren't connected there, can the relationship last? Be as fulfilling as it should?

    I guess maybe it's a case of not knowing any different, but what if you wait for the person you marry and it's awful? You find out you have totally different likes/dislikes, how frequent you want it/don't want it, etc.

    Josh Duggar obviously has bigger issues, but I think a bit I this led to his cheating. He sees his wife as this virginal Madonna and doesn't want to maybe try certain things with her, so goes elsewhere.

    Sex is not just an act, so much more goes into it. Like views on finances, children, jobs, it's something that needs to be discussed before marriage. If it's not something you have any views on, I think that's very hard to do.

    Just my $.02
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Obviously, there are religious reasons to abstain. But if you take those out of the equation, I can still see pros and cons.

    However, I would be VERY leery of a person (esp a man) who was comfortable just waiting and waiting and waiting thru a long term courtship/engagement/relationship. Just doesn't bode well. Really, beware of that.

  • DedachanDedachan Posts: 1,644Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    You should do as you wish, but I can't say personally I understand the logic behind it. It seems like an attempt to rationalize something that stems from religion, even though supposedly religion is out of the equation. I'm not convinced there's an actual good resason to abstain.

    I think abstinence can lead people to marry too young because of how eager they are to have sex. Relationships tend to last longer when people marry after they have gone to college, have a career etc. And people will not always be compatible in the bedroom. Finding out if you have physical chemistry is very important.

    Pregnancy should be fairly easy to avoid if the proper precautions are taken, and as for STDs, I don't think marriage is any guarantee against them. Also, who is to say that a married woman is not as much unwilling to get pregnant as a single woman? Would a married woman have to stop having sex once she no longer desires any more children?

    Sex can be awkward the first few times, so if you are expecting a magical moment, you could be in for a disappointment. If waiting will make the relationship stronger...I don't know about that. Like I said, there might not be any chemistry at all, so it's a big gamble.

    I also object to the implicit idea that women become "used goods" and are no longer appealing once they start having sex. A man should marry a woman because he loves her and has the same goals, not because he's been dying to do the deed. There's also nothing to prevent a slump in your sexual lives after marrying.
  • sixelamysixelamy Posts: 4,157Registered Users Curl Novice
    I once was going to wait until I was married, and I'm glad I didn't. Having crappy experiences made me realize the good ones from the bad. I married the only good one from any of my relationships.


    I once kissed a man after he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was like kissing my brother. I can't imagine something like that happening with sex after I was married.


    However, I do fully support waiting until you deeply care about someone and they care about you just as much. I applaud those that can wait, but it sometimes ends up in getting married too fast and divorce down the line. Not always, but I've seen it happen. I also think one should be of appropriate age with a mature mental capacity.


    I agree with everything Dedachan said about STDs and getting pregnant.
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Different strokes for different folks. For me I don't immediately jump in bed with a man. I want to get to know them in other ways 1st to see if we are compatible. I'm 64 so dating men is different for me. I want to know 1) can you get it up 2) can you keep it up 3) do you have a decent package.
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  • Therese1Therese1 Posts: 2,563Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I am with you, Michelle. Sex is such a vulnerable thing for both parties that we need the commitment of marriage in hand before we can really feel safe being that vulnerable, not holding anything back. I once read a book that said that the language of sex is "You and me, forever," which is the bodily expression of the commitment of marriage.

    If a man is willing to wait for me through a courtship, that tells me that he is willing to sacrifice some short-term pleasure to make sure that we are committed first. I personally see it as a plus.
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  • sew and sewsew and sew Posts: 3,443Registered Users
    The idea that sex is sacred has never emotively resonated with me...oddly, because I am abstinent and plan on being until marriage. I have a pretty casual attitude toward it without actually casually doing it. It's a beautiful thing but nothing seems mystical to me about it. It's so incredibly natural. I do believe God has intentions/a will regarding a right context for it, and I want to honor that.

    That being said, as sort of a tangential question here for the people bringing up compatibility...I am pretty sure I can just tell when I would be sexually compatible with someone. I don't have proof but I've met people (rare this happens) where I 100% feel like I can just definitely tell. As in..it would utterly shock me if (hypothetically speaking) it came down to it and we didn't feel good to go, and just gel, with each other.

    Maybe people who are sexually active get that strong hunch sometimes (in fact, probably), so I guess my question is...has anyone gotten that hunch and ever been wrong?

    eta: My basic theoretical perception of who the right guy to marry is: I respect his character and worldview and love his personality, love being close to him, and the sense that we're physically attracted to each other and would enjoy sexual intimacy (aforementioned hunch) has not faded through a lot of dating. I'd feel confident with that.
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  • wavypenwavypen Posts: 253Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Yes I've had that hunch (sexual chemistry) and been wrong a couple times. Once as it turned out the sex was terrible and there was no chemistry and another guy we kissed and it was like kissing my brother, no chemistry. Both times there was a great deal of mutual attraction etc before.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur

    Maybe people who are sexually active get that strong hunch sometimes (in fact, probably), so I guess my question is...has anyone gotten that hunch and ever been wrong?

    Definitely yes. And the person I was most compatible with I was not feeling at all in the beginning. That being said, sex is a must for me and one of the most important aspects in a marriage. If that's not good, then youre just best friends. I also don't like to wait too long before testing that compatibility as I've been burned in the past by sticking with someone too long for emotional reasons.

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  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think it's up to the individuals and no one should be ridiculed either way. I also agree with what a majority of the other ladies have said. I will say from personal experience that thoughts and feelings on the matter can change. I had the romantic notion that I would wait until I married, until my hormones kicked in. Then it became... I will wait until I am over 16 years old and make sure I am really in love with the person. In fact, I made that pact with 3 of my girlfriends. I was the only one that kept the promise. :laughing6: I was 17 and very much so in love. We broke up 4 months later but then we got back together, on and off, for the next 7 years. We are now dating again.

    It took 2 years after I lost my virginity for me to even consider sleeping with someone else. I absolutely have the idea that sex is meaningful/special, most of the time. I've let that fly out the window a couple times, kind of. My only one night stands have been with people I knew for 3 years or more. One had been in love with me and was moving across the country.

    I only regret one choice I made (I regretted another later but it was not my choice). It was the other one night stand, and that's because I didn't realize how in love with me he was, he was still around, and I did not feel the same. That was in 1994 and I still feel bad. He is a great person, too. I don't want or like to mess with people's emotions that way. No matter what you decide, I think not regretting it is one of the most important things.
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  • DedachanDedachan Posts: 1,644Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think the reason why women have historically been told to wait until after marriage is mostly economics...before birth control and before women could work and gain financial independence, you wouldn't want to raise a kid without the father, and the grandparents would also not be keen on taking up the extra financial burden, so you encourage women to stay chaste until they can find a partner who will sign a contract (marriage) to take on those responsibilities and you create a whole narrative around the concept of virginity and honour and convince young women this is the romantic thing to do, even though few men are trying to keep themselves "pure" (yet they expect women to). Women who don't adhere to the rules are shamed and marginalized.

    I am glad we live in a different time. We should be able to enjoy sex the way men have always enjoyed sex, without shame or hang ups about it. I would like to get married someday, if I find a man I love deeply and we have enough common ground, but for all I know it might not happen and that's okay, because marriage is no longer the be-all and end-all it once was. I'm in my 30s, single, and not one bit intent on living a monastic life just because I don't have a piece of paper somewhere saying I'm somebody's Mrs.
  • Corrina777Corrina777 Posts: 3,204Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Dedachan wrote: »
    I am glad we live in a different time. We should be able to enjoy sex the way men have always enjoyed sex, without shame or hang ups about it. I would like to get married someday, if I find a man I love deeply and we have enough common ground, but for all I know it might not happen and that's okay, because marriage is no longer the be-all and end-all it once was. I'm in my 30s, single, and not one bit intent on living a monastic life just because I don't have a piece of paper somewhere saying I'm somebody's Mrs.

    This.

    To be honest, my views on this and sex in general have changed a lot over the years. All the way up until I actually lost my virginity I had kind of figured I would wait for marriage. But it happened and I'm okay with that. Especially since I'm almost 38 years old and never married. And yes, I have totally experienced having amazing chemistry with someone everywhere except in bed. Sex is important in a relationship- I've witnessed and experienced relationships that ultimately fizzle out due to sexual incompatibility.
    The other side of this is that as a rape survivor, I've seen my views flip flop a lot as I spent a number of years coming to terms with everything. There was a time in my life when I had more one night stands than I care to disclose, back when I was trying to prove to myself that I could still enjoy sex and that I wasn't permanently damaged by that particular trauma. Don't get me wrong, I have no issues with my past or my choices, but I know some people like to judge. Sex is such a personal thing for everyone, so I don't believe in shaming or ridiculing someone for their choices. And I expect the same level of respect in return. Because the truth is, you don't know anyone else's story.
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Dedachan wrote: »
    I think the reason why women have historically been told to wait until after marriage is mostly economics...before birth control and before women could work and gain financial independence, you wouldn't want to raise a kid without the father, and the grandparents would also not be keen on taking up the extra financial burden, so you encourage women to stay chaste until they can find a partner who will sign a contract (marriage) to take on those responsibilities and you create a whole narrative around the concept of virginity and honour and convince young women this is the romantic thing to do, even though few men are trying to keep themselves "pure" (yet they expect women to). Women who don't adhere to the rules are shamed and marginalized.

    I am glad we live in a different time. We should be able to enjoy sex the way men have always enjoyed sex, without shame or hang ups about it. I would like to get married someday, if I find a man I love deeply and we have enough common ground, but for all I know it might not happen and that's okay, because marriage is no longer the be-all and end-all it once was. I'm in my 30s, single, and not one bit intent on living a monastic life just because I don't have a piece of paper somewhere saying I'm somebody's Mrs.

    Yep men don't like we are on the same playing field now and have double standards (they get to play and we should be okay with it but want a chaste woman). Conservative men are mad about bc pills for that reason too. How dare they are not in control now of our destiny!
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    My ex-husband and I were extremely ~compatible~ in that we conceived two beautiful, healthy children together each on the first try! How much more compatible can you get, right?! But sexual dynamics can be quite complex. Just bc you find each other attractive and the plumbing all works...isn't enough. There are also issues of drive, motivation, frequency and the whole realm of emotionality attached to sex, plus all the other factors that can affect a couple's sex life, like work, stress, kids, time management, etc. And in those regards, we were not compatible at all. He had more sexual hangups than I ever knew existed and he wound up depriving me of sex during our entire marriage (barring the two planned conception dates). And there's only so long a person w/ a normal, healthy sex drive can put up w/ that. Vows or not. I suspected something might be amiss prior to getting married but I hoped for the best.

    I'm not saying indulging in a bunch of pre-marital sex is the answer or safeguard a person needs...just that these issues are complex.

    I know plenty of ppl who had popping sex lives while they were dating and things changed, slowed down or got weird once they got married, or there were affairs that happened, seemingly out of the blue.

    I don't think there is really any magic recipe.

  • multicultcurlymulticultcurly Posts: 5,136Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Sex is personal and depends on the people involved. I pretty much agree with the previous posters. Also I think as people age, their views on sex change. Sex becomes more a normal part of life than something you associate with self worth.

    I never wanted to wait until marriage though when I was younger I waited for someone that I wouldn't regret sleeping with. I have never equated sex with love. It's easy to have sex without love and it can be quite enjoyable. That's why I believe you have to know what you want before having sex with someone and know your emotional limitations in case your feelings aren't mutual.

    Also sex is important to a relationship. I could never marry a man that didn't satisfy me in that area. It would just be a friendship. I have also never been attracted to guys who were saving themselves or who were purposely promiscuous.

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  • Michelle555Michelle555 Posts: 25Registered Users
    The real reason i want to wait until marriage is because my uncle had died from aids, my aunt has five children with three different fathers. She also died from aids and now her son, my cousin has HIV, got it from her. A relative from my moms side of the family had a baby when she was 15. My cousin got his gf pregnant (she had an abortion) top of that he is a drug addict and a school dropout. I refuse to become another statistic. And my parents are divorced too and my dad has anger issues.There are too many dangers. I also have social anxiety disorder which makes it worse. I cant end up like those people. I refuse. I want my children to grow up in a happy home with not only parents who love them but also parents who love each other.
  • Corrina777Corrina777 Posts: 3,204Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    The real reason i want to wait until marriage is because my uncle had died from aids, my aunt has five children with three different fathers. She also died from aids and now her son, my cousin has HIV, got it from her. A relative from my moms side of the family had a baby when she was 15. My cousin got his gf pregnant (she had an abortion) top of that he is a drug addict and a school dropout. I refuse to become another statistic. And my parents are divorced too and my dad has anger issues.There are too many dangers. I also have social anxiety disorder which makes it worse. I cant end up like those people. I refuse. I want my children to grow up in a happy home with not only parents who love them but also parents who love each other.

    I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be surrounded by so many dysfunctional relationships, but sadly, whether or not someone has sex before marriage really wouldn't prevent any of these scenarios. You need look no further than Josh Duggar.

    Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe that people make their own choices and can rise above and move beyond bad circumstances (although the current system in the US certainly doesn't make that easy). But tying it all to one specific variable is setting yourself up for a lot of potential disappointment. I'm certainly not saying that you are wrong to want to wait, or that you shouldn't wait, only that waiting isn't necessarily a guarantee for happily ever after.
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  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,904Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Connoisseur
    I think that's an awful lot of pressure to put on one act. So many variables came togeather in those situations, all can be avoided by being smart.
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  • CurlyFelineCurlyFeline Posts: 156Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I agree with CC

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  • DedachanDedachan Posts: 1,644Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I am very sorry to hear about your uncle and aunt.

    My tip to you is have sex only when you feel comfortable...my previous comments aren't really direct advice to you, only my own views on the topic generally. The most important thing is that you do what feels right to you.

    It's great that you want to be responsible and take care of yourself and your health. Unfortunately, many married women do get infected by their partners, so it's wise to never let your guard down. Married or not, the main thing is to have an open conversation with your partner, tell him about how you have lost family members to HIV and ask that you both get tested and take all the precautions.
  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    Different strokes for different folks. For me I don't immediately jump in bed with a man. I want to get to know them in other ways 1st to see if we are compatible. I'm 64 so dating men is different for me. I want to know 1) can you get it up 2) can you keep it up 3) do you have a decent package.

    I'm still snickering at your comment.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

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  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Dedachan wrote: »
    I am very sorry to hear about your uncle and aunt.

    My tip to you is have sex only when you feel comfortable...my previous comments aren't really direct advice to you, only my own views on the topic generally. The most important thing is that you do what feels right to you.

    It's great that you want to be responsible and take care of yourself and your health. Unfortunately, many married women do get infected by their partners, so it's wise to never let your guard down. Married or not, the main thing is to have an open conversation with your partner, tell him about how you have lost family members to HIV and ask that you both get tested and take all the precautions.


    Well said. That is a lot to digest and being cautious is a great thing. It is. No one can fault a person for wanting to take precautions and also for learning lessons by watching others around you. It's a wise thing to do.


    Very true on never knowing. One of my friends, who is gay, ended up with 3 different STD's from a married traveling salesman in his early 20s. He was so sick, but thankfully they were all treatable with antibiotics. After he told me I could not stop thinking about that mans wife/his family. One was Hep B and that is so easy to contract in settings outside of sex as well. I felt for my friend, because things can happen even when you take precautions, but I felt horrible for her. Of course that can easily happen if a husband is cheating with other women but what a double whammy. You end up with multiple STD's from your cheating husband who is also living a double life. All this guy did was hook up with other men when he was on the road.

    Even though so people still hide who they are truly attracted to, I'm glad that is it as common as it was when I was younger. I personally know no people my age who have hidden there sexual preference and married the opposite sex to keep favor with their family or in public opinion. It's still fairly common with people older than me. The mother of a good friend of mine, who is 65, just found out she was dating a divorced gay man with 3 kids. He is still not ready to be true to himself and is trying to keep up appearances. She was so upset. She has no issues with someone being gay, had a great time with him, her feelings were involved and had he been honest she would have continued to be his friend, go out and have a good time. Instead she found out, asked if it was true, he lied and then called her back and told her the truth. She left her husband of 35 years after she found out he was banging a few college age girls. He was their landlord and had worked out optional rent agreements. She's had enough of lies.

    *There are no guarantees with anything. People fall in love, people fall out of love. People lie. People cheat. Some people are completely honest and have a heart of gold. Life... Just do what feels best to you.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

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  • butter52butter52 Posts: 292Registered Users
    I want to wait until i'm married to have sex. Not for religious reasons but i believe that sex is special and sacred. This has to both apply for men and women. Yesterday i was watching the felicia mabuza suttle show on teenage pregnancy and how girls get pregnant and boys don't take responsibility. The one teenage father said that you must wait until marriage instead. There are so many risks like stds, unwanted pregnancies and low self esteem. If people want to have sex before marriage they shouldn't be judged. If people don't believe in sex before marriage they shouldn't be ridiculed.

    Well doing it because its sacred is a religious reason. When there is no religious reasons, marriage becomes goverment paperwork, and why would postpone pleasure and intimacy and knowing the other person over paperwork.

    Waiting doesnt prevent unwanted pregnancy, doesnt prevent desease, doesnt prevent self esteem issues. The only thing it does is that IF you are married AND get an unwanted child, you have the husbant tied up by a contract to provide economic support (and in many countries you dont even need marriage for that).

    Now its true that nobody should be ridiculed. But its like if you get into a loan to buy a car, and you never try the car, and there is no guarantee nor return policy. Well, then you are very naive... Its your right to be naive and you should not be ridiculed for it but expect people to think you are making a very bad uninformed choice with lots of possibilities for failure. And the failure rates when informed are already pretty high...
  • butter52butter52 Posts: 292Registered Users
    I am pretty sure I can just tell when I would be sexually compatible with someone. I don't have proof but I've met people (rare this happens) where I 100% feel like I can just definitely tell.

    .

    Mmmm but nope you cant tell :D
    Atraction has nothing to do with performance, performance has nothing to do with drive, drive has nothing to do with preferences.
    Sex with each person is entirely a different experience and learning curve, you just canmot tell based on atraction.
  • multicultcurlymulticultcurly Posts: 5,136Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    It depends on the people. I haven't been wrong about anyone that I thought I would have awesome sex with. However I have had a person surprise me with being awesome that I wouldn't have thought would be. Some of that comes from knowing yourself and some of that is just being intuitive.

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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    butter52 wrote: »
    I am pretty sure I can just tell when I would be sexually compatible with someone. I don't have proof but I've met people (rare this happens) where I 100% feel like I can just definitely tell.

    .

    Mmmm but nope you cant tell :D
    Atraction has nothing to do with performance, performance has nothing to do with drive, drive has nothing to do with preferences.
    Sex with each person is entirely a different experience and learning curve, you just canmot tell based on atraction.

    I agree, there are some things that are just completely separate.

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