I'm freaking out. When do I tell?

sixelamysixelamy Registered Users Posts: 4,157 Curl Novice
So we are trying for a baby, and this month was our first month actually trying. We had to get creative on family vacation, the hubby was upset the weeks didn't fall right, because he wanted lots of fun. Anyhow, I've been having horrible PMS, but a week early. I cried for an hour over an interview I had today at work, and I was like hmmm... maybe I'll test for kicks since I'm so emotional. Was NOT expecting a line this soon (it's still a few days really early), but I got a really faint one. So I'm freaking the f out! So my question is - when do you tell people? I want to tell the whole world, but I know there can be complications. What have you gals with kids done? Do you tell parents at least? I don't know anything about this! I had to tell someone so I came on here lol

Also, I just interviewed for a position I've been really wanting for 2 years now. How long do I wait to tell work? Do I tell upfront? Is it nobody's business?
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Comments

  • scrillsscrills Registered Users Posts: 6,700
    can you hold out until you get it confirmed by the doctor?

    My best friend was 14 weeks before she started telling people
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    You're pregnant?? Congratulations!:occasion9:

    They say to wait until after the first trimester is over to tell work and casual friends.

    I think it's fine to tell close friends and family members early, if you feel they will be 100% supportive. But like scrills said, better to wait until a dr confirms it (tho false positives are rare w/ the home tests.) I told my mother and close friends right away.

    I had to tell at work bc I started showing VERY early. It was obvious. I had to start wearing maternity clothes at 2 months. I gained soooooooo much weight.

    But I had to tell my supervisor even earlier than that bc she asked me to carry something heavy and I wasn't going to risk it.

    Glad you shared the wonderful news with us!

    eta - don't tell a prospective employer/manager now. It's irrelevent; women have babies every day and can and do return to work and perform well in their jobs. Let them hire you first. They could think you were hinting that you may not return after maternity leave but want to collect pay while you're out. They may think you are telling them not to count too heavily on you returning to work.
  • sixelamysixelamy Registered Users Posts: 4,157 Curl Novice
    Thanks spiderlashes! I plan to take a couple more tests - 1 in a couple of days and another over the weekend, then I'll make an appointment with my doctor on Monday if everything is still going strong. I hope everything goes ok and there are no problems.

    I hear you on telling work. I am definitely going to wait. I will probably say something when I start showing. Problem is, I already look pregnant, so maybe nobody would even notice :p

    I'd probably end up telling close friends and family, that'd be a hard secret to keep for 3 months. My friend is trying too, and I think they are going to wait to tell people. She told me I better not get pregnant before her, and I have no idea how she is doing with all of that. So I'll have that to deal with too.

    Thanks for the advice. I don't know how this stuff works, I'm a newb.
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  • PerriPPerriP Registered Users Posts: 6,613 Curl Neophyte
    Most I know wait until at least 8 weeks but a few until 12 (although they do tell family and sometimes a very close friend or two).

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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    sixelamy wrote: »
    Thanks spiderlashes! I plan to take a couple more tests - 1 in a couple of days and another over the weekend, then I'll make an appointment with my doctor on Monday if everything is still going strong. I hope everything goes ok and there are no problems.

    I hear you on telling work. I am definitely going to wait. I will probably say something when I start showing. Problem is, I already look pregnant, so maybe nobody would even notice :p

    I'd probably end up telling close friends and family, that'd be a hard secret to keep for 3 months. My friend is trying too, and I think they are going to wait to tell people. She told me I better not get pregnant before her, and I have no idea how she is doing with all of that. So I'll have that to deal with too.

    Thanks for the advice. I don't know how this stuff works, I'm a newb.

    You won't have to wait a full three months bc you're already a few weeks along!

    And fyi - many times drs offices won't even schedule you for a test until you are about 8 weeks along.

    Yes, a lot of ppl are trying, even unbeknownst to you, and some are dealing w/ full blown infertility and recent losses and other disappointments. And other women might already be jealous of you for getting married blah blah blah. It's so easy to come off as bragging and gloating, when all of this happened so quickly and easily for you. That's not your fault but some women will inevitably take it that way. And some women do not like babies or kids or talking about either and they will resent it if you speak too often on the topic. So yeah, you need to keep your audience in mind and keep it under control. Sad but true. (Even here.) And some women will try to scare you or one up you or gross you out w/ their horrifically graphic pregnancy and delivery stories. LOL
  • sixelamysixelamy Registered Users Posts: 4,157 Curl Novice
    You know.. I don't even think of those things on a forum, now I feel bad for saying something. I'm just asking for advice, because I don't know the first thing about this. But I understand where you are coming from. I'm not gloating or doing anything of the sort and I hope I don't come off that way. I genuinely have no idea what I'm doing or what to do next. I will approach the subject with care with my friend though. It's their first time trying too, I hope she gets hers this month so we can be due around the same time. It's not a secret to her that we were going to start trying though. She asked today, but I just avoided it and went onto something else because I felt bad.
    2c-3a - med-coarse - normal-high porosity - high density
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  • AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
    sixelamy wrote: »
    So we are trying for a baby, and this month was our first month actually trying. We had to get creative on family vacation, the hubby was upset the weeks didn't fall right, because he wanted lots of fun. Anyhow, I've been having horrible PMS, but a week early. I cried for an hour over an interview I had today at work, and I was like hmmm... maybe I'll test for kicks since I'm so emotional. Was NOT expecting a line this soon (it's still a few days really early), but I got a really faint one. So I'm freaking the f out! So my question is - when do you tell people? I want to tell the whole world, but I know there can be complications. What have you gals with kids done? Do you tell parents at least? I don't know anything about this! I had to tell someone so I came on here lol

    Also, I just interviewed for a position I've been really wanting for 2 years now. How long do I wait to tell work? Do I tell upfront? Is it nobody's business?



    Congratulations!


    I wouldn't tell anyone yet. A faint line a few days early can mean anything. I hate to say this and I really hope I'm wrong, but you can still end up getting your period on time or few days late, and it would be a really early loss and you wouldn't even know if you hadn't tested so early. I have had that happen more than once, unfortunately, and it's devastating, and I don't test that early any more. Chances are that's not the case for you and I don't want to come across as trying to scare you, but just in case, don't go around telling anyone you wouldn't want to have to explain this to later.


    You definitely don't say anything to the people you interviewed with. You don't need to tell them until past the first trimester - I'd wait for the first ultrasound, personally.


    As to family, that's up to you. If you think they'll be happy and supportive, go ahead. Personally, I waited. I knew they would just worry and it's kind of nice to keep it to yourself for a while. I told a couple of friends who I knew I could talk to about my anxiety, symptoms, etc. As has been pointed out, I'd be careful of telling people who have their own fertility struggles in the early stages - I'd definitely wait and think about how to do that in an empathetic way.


    I think it will also depend on how your pregnancy is. I had really bad morning sickness which made it harder to keep it to myself. If you are ill, you may have to tell work and other people sooner.


    I generally think it is better kept to yourself (except places like here) for as long as possible. If you must tell early, only tell people you're OK with telling if things don't work out.


    Best wishes for a happy and healthy 9 months!
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
    sixelamy wrote: »
    You know.. I don't even think of those things on a forum, now I feel bad for saying something. I'm just asking for advice, because I don't know the first thing about this. But I understand where you are coming from. I'm not gloating or doing anything of the sort and I hope I don't come off that way. I genuinely have no idea what I'm doing or what to do next. I will approach the subject with care with my friend though. It's their first time trying too, I hope she gets hers this month so we can be due around the same time. It's not a secret to her that we were going to start trying though. She asked today, but I just avoided it and went onto something else because I felt bad.





    I learned this the hard way... saying "it happened the first time and it was easy" can be offensive and hurtful to a lot of people who are having or have had difficulty. I would leave that out, except maybe with really close friends and family, and just say you're pregnant.


    It's also a really bad idea to have a pregnancy pact with a friend. Again, I speak from experience because I did that. I conceived my oldest who is almost 8 and she has had multiple losses and still no baby. I so regret that. Conception should be a private thing between the couple, IMO.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Scottsdale, AZRegistered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    Congrats, sweetie.

    My oldest daughter didn't tell anyone until she was 2 months along. My youngest was calling family while the stick was still wet. Do what you feel comfortable with. You don't sound like you are bragging at all. You are just excited & hopeful. Thanks for sharing the news with your curly family.
    From Michael Berg:

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  • AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
    sixelamy wrote: »
    Thanks spiderlashes! I plan to take a couple more tests - 1 in a couple of days and another over the weekend, then I'll make an appointment with my doctor on Monday if everything is still going strong. I hope everything goes ok and there are no problems.

    I hear you on telling work. I am definitely going to wait. I will probably say something when I start showing. Problem is, I already look pregnant, so maybe nobody would even notice :p

    I'd probably end up telling close friends and family, that'd be a hard secret to keep for 3 months. My friend is trying too, and I think they are going to wait to tell people. She told me I better not get pregnant before her, and I have no idea how she is doing with all of that. So I'll have that to deal with too.

    Thanks for the advice. I don't know how this stuff works, I'm a newb.




    Don't know how it is for you, but here you don't get a first doctor's appointment if you have no risk factors, etc. until late in the first trimester when they can hear a heartbeat on the Doppler.


    You need to nip that "you better not get pregnant before me" stuff in the bud. It's not a competition. She and her partner will have their own journey and you and your partner have yours. You need to make that clear and if you were feeding into it before, apologize and tell her you're not doing that anymore.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • Fifi.GFifi.G Registered Users Posts: 15,490 Curl Neophyte
    I am so happy for you Six!!! Do whatever makes you happy as far as telling people goes. I don't blame you for overflowing and wanting to share with someone. You can't live your life worried that your good news will hurt the feelings others or worry about how they will perceive it. Who gives a isht? I have deep sympathy for those who want a baby so bad, try and can not have one and I feel great joy for those who want a baby just as bad, try and do get pregnant. The rest is just a side effect of the interweb "but... my feels" brigade. We've talked about "those sites". I don't think a pregnant woman could find a more toxic environment to be around. It's just a bunch of women trying to put extra stress, worry and guilt on those who have conceived. Better watch how you say things! Better keep your emotions in check! Don't be too happy! A goblin will eat your baby if you tell! Keep everyone else in mind and eff your joy... Toxic. We won't allow toxic here.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

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  • StarmieStarmie Registered Users Posts: 7,170 Curl Virtuoso
    I don't think I told anyone until I was about six weeks and then it was only parents and sisters. I was beyond twelve weeks when I told anyone else. I had weird feelings about being pregnant even though it was planned so I don't think I was quite the norm! I don't remember when I told my boss, I think it was maybe around 15/16 weeks, I knew I had to let them know as I needed to apply for maternity leave and they'd need to replace me.

    Congratulations!
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  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian CanadaRegistered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 10,904 Curl Connoisseur
    Yeah!!! I have absolutely nothing to add, but so excited for you!!
    I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
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  • lolo918lolo918 Registered Users Posts: 729 Curl Neophyte
    CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I told really close friends and family after my doctors appointment so I had an ultrasound to share; I was 9 weeks along. For other friends and places like Facebook it was maybe around 16 weeks. I was about 24 weeks along when I told work.

    As for your friend, she knew you were trying so it may not need so much sensitivity in my honest opinion and seriously if she considers you her friend this shouldn't be a make or break thing. However, I realize I'm awkward- you can come sit with me lol. Tactless me called a friend to announce my pregnancy to one friend right after she found out she may be facing infertility. I felt so awful, but my friend pointed out that I didn't know she had just as big news as me.

    Long story short, be happy and announce if you want to, especially to close friends! True friends will at least be happy to your face even if they are a little sad on the inside at first. If something goes wrong then you also have their support. I had a scare of losing the baby at 12 weeks that I didn't tell a lot of my friends about and talking about potential issues later made things awkward having to explain. Just something else to think about.

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  • sixelamysixelamy Registered Users Posts: 4,157 Curl Novice
    Thanks for the advice everyone, I appreciate it! Now I feel like I have a path of what to do here. I've read lots of stories about chemicals and miscarriages, and it does scare me - that's why I didn't know when to tell everybody. The more people you tell, the more painful explaining you have to do if something goes wrong. :( I'm already starting to feel sick, so I hope that's a good sign.

    As for my friend, I've already told one, just because she's already had a baby. She was giving me some advice last night as well. I'm just worried my friend who said "you better not get pregnant before I do!" doesn't find out I told our other friend first. :( It's like a lose-lose situation. She did say she was joking, but I know better. She got a little upset when my hubby proposed 2 days after their wedding. I mean, come on! But you ladies are right - I shouldn't have to be scared because one person might get upset.

    I confirmed with a digital last night - definitely pregnant. I just hope this sticks! As scared as I am.
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  • AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
    sixelamy wrote: »
    Thanks for the advice everyone, I appreciate it! Now I feel like I have a path of what to do here. I've read lots of stories about chemicals and miscarriages, and it does scare me - that's why I didn't know when to tell everybody. The more people you tell, the more painful explaining you have to do if something goes wrong. :( I'm already starting to feel sick, so I hope that's a good sign.

    As for my friend, I've already told one, just because she's already had a baby. She was giving me some advice last night as well. I'm just worried my friend who said "you better not get pregnant before I do!" doesn't find out I told our other friend first. :( It's like a lose-lose situation. She did say she was joking, but I know better. She got a little upset when my hubby proposed 2 days after their wedding. I mean, come on! But you ladies are right - I shouldn't have to be scared because one person might get upset.

    I confirmed with a digital last night - definitely pregnant. I just hope this sticks! As scared as I am.


    That's great! Sounds like you have lots of hopeful signs.


    I think it's time for some maturity for your friends (how old are you?) Again, it's not a competition or a race as to who gets told first, etc. You can tell who you want when you want for whatever reason you want. This friendship is not going to be good during the pregnancy and after unless you put a stop to that.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • BotticelliBritBotticelliBrit Registered Users Posts: 2,075 Curl Neophyte
    I'm so happy for you guys! This is amazing, Amy. Congratulations :D:D

    As for your friend, I wouldn't worry too much. If she gets upset, there's really nothing you can do so there's no point getting anxious over it. Just focus on yourself and having a healthy pregnancy. If she's a good friend, she'll support you. If not, well, then you know the type of person she is.

    (Side note: she got upset about the proposal? LOL. I'm sorry, but some people are ridiculous. How long was your hubby supposed to wait until it was acceptable to her? 'Your happiness was too close to my happiness!' . . . honestly, how silly.)
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  • scrillsscrills Registered Users Posts: 6,700
    I think it's good to find a person or two you can tell now. The rest can wait until after the doc appt or 1st trimester
  • DaniGirl88DaniGirl88 St. LouisRegistered Users Posts: 1,583 Curl Neophyte
    CONGRATS AMY!!!!!!!!!

    So excited for you!!!!
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  • sixelamysixelamy Registered Users Posts: 4,157 Curl Novice
    Thanks gals! Yes, it is nice to have at least 1 person to tell so I'm not going absolutely nuts!

    I agree Allie and Amneris - we are way too old for petty things like that! Heck, if she got pregnant last month I would've been over the moon happy for her! Totally not a race. But she's been wanting a kid since we were in high school, and now 15 years later... I know she will support me and be happy, but I'm sure she will initially be upset. That's not my fault :( We are not getting any younger, and 35 is coming way too fast.
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  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian CanadaRegistered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 10,904 Curl Connoisseur
    Not your fault at all, and try not to feel guilty. Everything happens when it's intended to :)
    I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
    Audrey Hepburn
  • juanabjuanab Registered Users Posts: 4,037 Curl Neophyte
    Congrats Six!!!!

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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    How is your husband reacting?!
  • MunchyMunchy Registered Users Posts: 5,206 Curl Novice
    Congratulations!!! I didn't tell a soul except my ex-husband last time until 2 months in. At that point I told my parents and I don't really remember telling my job or friends... LOL

    This time (if it comes) I'll probably tell my few girl friends along with the families and, of course, my husband would be the first to know!
  • Fifi.GFifi.G Registered Users Posts: 15,490 Curl Neophyte
    sixelamy wrote: »
    Thanks for the advice everyone, I appreciate it! Now I feel like I have a path of what to do here. I've read lots of stories about chemicals and miscarriages, and it does scare me - that's why I didn't know when to tell everybody. The more people you tell, the more painful explaining you have to do if something goes wrong. :( I'm already starting to feel sick, so I hope that's a good sign.

    As for my friend, I've already told one, just because she's already had a baby. She was giving me some advice last night as well. I'm just worried my friend who said "you better not get pregnant before I do!" doesn't find out I told our other friend first. :( It's like a lose-lose situation. She did say she was joking, but I know better. She got a little upset when my hubby proposed 2 days after their wedding. I mean, come on! But you ladies are right - I shouldn't have to be scared because one person might get upset.

    I confirmed with a digital last night - definitely pregnant. I just hope this sticks! As scared as I am.

    I think the your first paragraph is another unfortunate side effect of these sites. Yes, there is a risk for chemical or early miscarriage in the first trimester that decreases. There always has been but I seriously doubt women were bombarded with what seems like never ending stories about it even 20 years ago. Instead of saying 80% of women carry thru the first trimester people often pose it as risks first which makes the majority seem like the abnormal or minority. I see so much anxiety and panic associated with pregnancy now. Of course many women are going to kick into mama bear mode the second they find out and devote their time doing everything they possibly can to get a sticky bean. That is a good thing but also shows the urge to think worst case first. Not too long ago women were oblivious to the dangers of smoking and drinking during pregnancy and completely fine with that. Now women are flipping out over eating baby carrots they soaked and scrubbed but still may not be clean enough and drinking too much water. It's quite the frantic shift. Being seen sneaking an rare soda or cup of coffee = burn her at the stake!! This is more common in America than anywhere else. Keeping your stress and anxiety levels as low as possible seems like one of the best things to do to me. :)

    **I've never witnessed, with my own two eyes, a group of women who share their horror stories in person when a friend announces she is pregnant. Only on line and it gives a slightly skewed perception, especially when one is on a site that also addresses fertility issues. Can you imagine? I'm pregnant!! I've had 12 miscarriages so I wouldn't get your hopes up. Good luck. You will need it. Whaaaat? Tanks for that Aunt Matilda.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
    People do share them in person as well, Fifi, trust me!


    This is why it is best to keep it to yourself as much as possible for as long as possible.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • sixelamysixelamy Registered Users Posts: 4,157 Curl Novice
    Thanks everyone! We told our parents, but that's all we are telling until later. I'm going to need support and help, because I'm a baby when I'm sick.
    How is your husband reacting?!

    He's very happy! :)
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  • sew and sewsew and sew Registered Users Posts: 3,443
    So exciting. Congrats!!! :blob2:
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  • AshleynicolAshleynicol Registered Users Posts: 2
    I miscarried my second pregnancy but told everyone as soon as I found out with all 3. The worst part with the miscarriage when people asked me about it like 3months after. Luckily I got pregnant again 2 months after losing the second. Each time I planned on keeping it to myself till 12 weeks but my husband called everyone and with my job I had to tell them because pregnant women can't care for some patients with things like chicken pox or tuberculosis or shingles.

    Congrats!

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