CurlTalk

"Come Chill With Me"...?

SweetRellieSweetRellie Posts: 465Registered Users
I feel like my generation of young black men (late 80s-90s) are disgusting! Whenever one of them asks me out, it's always to "chill at his house." I don't hesitate to turn them down because I know that I want a real date and not some trifling excuse to get into my clothes but I am really growing tired of it. What happened to asking women out on dates? Is this only something that older gentlemen do?!? I can't speak for men of other ethnicities but it just seems that my friends who have dated young white guys actually get asked out on dates. I can definitely say that this trend of "dating" (which really is nothing more than a booty call) within my race has caused me to almost ignore black men altogether. Ladies, comment on your experiences or if you've ever been a "come over and chill with me kinda girl."
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Comments

  • CatitudeBooCatitudeBoo Posts: 525Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I don't "chill" at strange men's houses either. That's reserved for established friends. If these dudes don't bother to put in any effort, I ignore them rather quickly.

    Most men I've encountered and I went on actual dates. It's all about what standard you set & how you're meeting these people. I noticed that guys I met on dating sites (when I was using them), school or work RARELY asked me to "come over and chill". They knew there was a certain expectation if they wanted to spend further time with me. The men I've met in more informal, casual environments (a store, the trolley, a club/bar) were more likely to just want a quick lay at their home - and all of those were white.
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  • bringingcurliesback?bringingcurliesback? Posts: 1,307Registered Users
    I feel like you can never be too careful. It's a shame that it is this way but it is what it is even today. I will say that your gut feeling should never be overlooked. Yes there are exceptions but it varies. They say just because you can does not mean you should. Think of it like unprotected sex or as one night stand... maybe it's just better to be safe and not risk an std/pregnancy. Just a date is almost taboo and there's this single thing going on. All I'm trying to say is that there are some creepy folks/rude folks/fill in the blank folks out there but the old school/good ones exist too. I just don't know where exactly but let ya girl know if you find out lol.

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  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users
    I live in an area where chilling or hanging out at someones house was one of the few viable date options. It was that, circle McDonalds, hit the woods (maybe a house doesn't sound so bad) or go to a loud bar or the movies. So, nothing about this automatically says weird or creepy to me and it was a common question in my area in the 90's. There really wasn't anything to do. By the time I was asked to do this I had typically been around the guy a few times but if I was still unsure or uncomfortable, I brought a friend or suggested we hang out at one of my friends houses. I had several dates on porches.

    I can't say it's a generational thing. I was taken out on dates by several nice guys but if you wanted to eat something other than fast food, you had to drive 40 minutes to an hour to do it. Again, I won't say it automatically equals creepy because one of the creepiest experiences I had was with a guy who had taken me out on 3 nice dates but decided to drive 30 miles in the opposite direction of where we were supposed to be going one night. He was taking to me his house, to be alone, and didn't care if I liked it or not. *Keep in mind that was 1993 so no cell phones. He lived in the highest mountain elevations in my county. We still don't have street lights on the roads. No pay phones when you got past a particular point. There were no red lights in that section but oddly enough it's where all the wealthy transplants moved to. So... Being in a car isn't always safe either.

    ETA: I guess a lot would depend on the area, what it was like during the 80's & 90's and being a creature of habit vs a cheap a**. Really. I'd still rather hang out than go out, most of the time, and there is more to do now. If a guy never wants to go out I take that as a bad sign. I also run into the issue of every younger guy I go out on a date with being on his cell phone the whole time. Lol. Dating has it's issues, every where you look.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I feel like my generation of young black men (late 80s-90s) are disgusting! Whenever one of them asks me out, it's always to "chill at his house." I don't hesitate to turn them down because I know that I want a real date and not some trifling excuse to get into my clothes but I am really growing tired of it. What happened to asking women out on dates? Is this only something that older gentlemen do?!? I can't speak for men of other ethnicities but it just seems that my friends who have dated young white guys actually get asked out on dates. I can definitely say that this trend of "dating" (which really is nothing more than a booty call) within my race has caused me to almost ignore black men altogether. Ladies, comment on your experiences or if you've ever been a "come over and chill with me kinda girl."

    If you have personal experience only w/ Black men, it's not really fair to imply it's a Black thing. I can think of several posts on here of women complaining that young White men were doing this, too FYI.

    (The main difference I ~have~ noticed with some Black men, as opposed to White men, is less motivation to get married but...)

    Dating is a lot different than it used to be. Sexual mores and social customs have changed, and all of the new technology has provide better and faster access. And I can see why staying home can sometimes be an appealing option instead of going out on a date (lack of money, limited entertainment options in the area, extensive entertainment options at home, a wish to avoid drama if the ppl involved have messy pasts, limited experience actually going on dates, etc.)

    I agree w/ CatitudeBoo; you have set some personal standards and not compromise them. There will always be other women who are "cheap dates" and so forth, but if a man really likes you, and you tell him you want to go out to such and such place, he will likely agree to it.

    I think it's fine to chill at home some times, too, tho. But not all the time and not starting from date #1.

    And remember, if the men are "disgusting," then the women are, too, bc they are going along with it. It takes two to tango.

    I am a lot older than you (if you are dating men born in the 90s). Some men have tried to go there w/ me but I don't entertain it.

  • claudine191claudine191 Posts: 8,220Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think it's a way of both being lazy and checking your standards: if you agree to "chill" they'll know they don't have to try very hard to get your attention. Unless you're in a long term thing, or only want sex, I wouldn't even entertain the possibility. It's insulting. Either make an effort, or don't waste my time.
  • sixelamysixelamy Posts: 4,156Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think the majority of women go through this, whether it's with a black or a white man. I know I did with plenty of white men. It's exhausting having it happen over and over again, but keep moving on and you'll find one that doesn't want to "chill" right away.
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    sixelamy wrote: »
    I think the majority of women go through this, whether it's with a black or a white man. I know I did with plenty of white men. It's exhausting having it happen over and over again, but keep moving on and you'll find one that doesn't want to "chill" right away.

    True, and I've noticed younger guys are less likely to ask women out properly or call, they just want to text.
  • SweetRellieSweetRellie Posts: 465Registered Users
    I'm really glad that you all are chiming in. It's really sad that times have changed where people think it's ok to be "friends with benefits" or have a no strings attached/no title kind of arrangement. Monogamy is almost nonexistent.
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  • CatitudeBooCatitudeBoo Posts: 525Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm really glad that you all are chiming in. It's really sad that times have changed where people think it's ok to be "friends with benefits" or have a no strings attached/no title kind of arrangement. Monogamy is almost nonexistent.

    Well, there are certain people who are truly OK with NSA/FWB-type arrangements but they're in the minority among women (I think more men are OK with those 'relationships').

    For the people who are actually honest with themselves and the people they choose to have those casual endeavors with, it's not "sad". It's only sad when one party desires/expects an actual romantic, monogamous relationship from sex and the other person is not willing to provide that. It's unwise to expect monogamy & commitment from someone just because you had sex with them anyway.

    It's all about everyone being on the same page :thumright:
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  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,778Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I'm really glad that you all are chiming in. It's really sad that times have changed where people think it's ok to be "friends with benefits" or have a no strings attached/no title kind of arrangement. Monogamy is almost nonexistent.

    I don't think it's sad at all, as long as people are being honest.

    There are time in my life it's worked for me. I still want sex, but don't want to be in a relationship. I also think I date better when having regular sex. I'm not so likely to jump in bed with every other guy I go out with if I'm already doing that else where.


    Now if every guy your meeting wants just a hook up, I'd hazard a guess that that's something you're putting out.

    The majority of men will go after what they think they can get.
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  • sixelamysixelamy Posts: 4,156Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Now if every guy your meeting wants just a hook up, I'd hazard a guess that that's something you're putting out.

    I was going to mention this as well. Certain attitudes/energies attract certain people. And while you may not mean to put out that certain attitude/energy, it can come out anyway.

    Guys are wired to want sex, that's how they are made. Granted, everybody is different. My fiancé tells me one of the only reasons he stuck with me is because I denied him sex on our 2nd or 3rd date and he realized I was a nice girl and that was what he was looking for.

    Sadly, a lot of women I know have slept with men on the first date. Media and movies also promote this behavior. Of course guys are going to try, they see it happening everywhere - even if it may not be reality.
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  • claudine191claudine191 Posts: 8,220Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Okay, whoah.

    So, girls or women are "nice" (i.e., worth dating) if they refuse sex?

    And, "sadly" a lot of women say "yes" on the first date?

    Nothing personal, sixel, but this is some antiquated thinking, in my opinion.
  • CatitudeBooCatitudeBoo Posts: 525Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    agreed.

    just because a person refuses sex early does not mean they are a "nice" girl. too often, women's worth is intertwined with how soon they put out or don't put out. It's ridiculous and a person's sexual track record does not dictate the quality of their character or heart. if a man chose to judge me harshly for something he did too (i.e. having sex 'too early'), then that's an *******.

    some women want sex just as much as men. as long as it was consensual, safe and fun without any hurt feelings, unwanted pregnancy or STIs, how is that "sad"?
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    I'm really glad that you all are chiming in. It's really sad that times have changed where people think it's ok to be "friends with benefits" or have a no strings attached/no title kind of arrangement. Monogamy is almost nonexistent.

    I don't think it's sad at all, as long as people are being honest.

    There are time in my life it's worked for me. I still want sex, but don't want to be in a relationship. I also think I date better when having regular sex. I'm not so likely to jump in bed with every other guy I go out with if I'm already doing that else where.

    Very good point, I think I ruined potential with one guy because I was so h0rny lol. We're still friends though.

    On that note, I asked a guy to chill me yesterday and it wa good...yes!!! :D (it has been a while since I've had some good ...)
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    sixelamy wrote: »
    Now if every guy your meeting wants just a hook up, I'd hazard a guess that that's something you're putting out.

    I was going to mention this as well. Certain attitudes/energies attract certain people. And while you may not mean to put out that certain attitude/energy, it can come out anyway.

    Guys are wired to want sex, that's how they are made. Granted, everybody is different. My fiancé tells me one of the only reasons he stuck with me is because I denied him sex on our 2nd or 3rd date and he realized I was a nice girl and that was what he was looking for.

    Sadly, a lot of women I know have slept with men on the first date. Media and movies also promote this behavior. Of course guys are going to try, they see it happening everywhere - even if it may not be reality.


    I've heard guys say this and it doesn't really work for me. So what if you do have sex on the first date and everything else clicks? A guy who's going to throw it away because you both had sex is not worth it(so I'm not really so sad over my potential I mentioned above).
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    sixelamy wrote: »
    My fiancé tells me one of the only reasons he stuck with me is because I denied him sex on our 2nd or 3rd date and he realized I was a nice girl and that was what he was looking for.

    But yet, he was willing to do it. So, in theory, he wasn't a good guy, and you would have been justified to end it? :tongue3:

    What do you mean "one of the ~only~ reasons?" I'm sure there's more he liked about you than that.

    ***

    My objection with the "come over and chill" has less to do with sex (bc you can sex after a date or not sex while chilling at home). To me, it has to do with the guy going out of his way to do something nice. If a guy likes me, he needs to set himself apart from the rest, and show me he is the type to go the extra mile to please me and be selfless when needed. Those are traits women need to look for in a husband. Not just be ready roll w/ the first lazy, selfish bum they meet. If he can't bring his game up for even the first few dates, then the future isn't looking good.

    (Not saying marriage should always be the goal...but think twice before you get deeply attached to someone who is clearly not marriage material bc you never know when your goals might change.)

  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    My objection with the "come over and chill" has less to do with sex (bc you can sex after a date or not sex while chilling at home). To me, it has to do with the guy going out of his way to do something nice. If a guy likes me, he needs to set himself apart from the rest, and show me he is the type to go the extra mile to please me and be selfless when needed. Those are traits women need to look for in a husband. Not just be ready roll w/ the first lazy, selfish bum they meet. If he can't bring his game up for even the first few dates, then the future isn't looking good.

    Yep!
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    sixelamy wrote: »
    My fiancé tells me one of the only reasons he stuck with me is because I denied him sex on our 2nd or 3rd date and he realized I was a nice girl and that was what he was looking for.

    But yet, he was willing to do it. So, in theory, he wasn't a good guy, and you would have been justified to end it? :tongue3:

    What do you mean "one of the ~only~ reasons?" I'm sure there's more he liked about you than that.

    ***

    My objection with the "come over and chill" has less to do with sex (bc you can sex after a date or not sex while chilling at home). To me, it has to do with the guy going out of his way to do something nice. If a guy likes me, he needs to set himself apart from the rest, and show me he is the type to go the extra mile to please me and be selfless when needed. Those are traits women need to look for in a husband. Not just be ready roll w/ the first lazy, selfish bum they meet. If he can't bring his game up for even the first few dates, then the future isn't looking good.

    (Not saying marriage should always be the goal...but think twice before you get deeply attached to someone who is clearly not marriage material bc you never know when your goals might change.)

    Yes, this is it, put some effort into it. Guys are so freakin lazy these days or you are not their first option and are just backup.
  • eveumeveum Posts: 744Registered Users
    I have a boyfriend but I met him on the internet through gaming and we were talking for a year before we met up. So I've never been on a date, or been asked to go out on a date, by anyone lol.

    I don't judge women or men who have sex on a first date at all, nor do I think there's anything 'sad' about it. It's not a trend by the way. The media doesn't need to promote this behaviour because it happens anyway and it always has and always will! Men and women are sexually attracted to each other, sorry. But personally I just cannot imagine going to a strangers home for any reason, I would feel very unsafe and to me it's an odd situation. I feel like you can never be too careful. I don't know how people do it.

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  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    I feel like my generation of young black men (late 80s-90s) are disgusting! Whenever one of them asks me out, it's always to "chill at his house." I don't hesitate to turn them down because I know that I want a real date and not some trifling excuse to get into my clothes but I am really growing tired of it. What happened to asking women out on dates? Is this only something that older gentlemen do?!? I can't speak for men of other ethnicities but it just seems that my friends who have dated young white guys actually get asked out on dates. I can definitely say that this trend of "dating" (which really is nothing more than a booty call) within my race has caused me to almost ignore black men altogether. Ladies, comment on your experiences or if you've ever been a "come over and chill with me kinda girl."

    If you have personal experience only w/ Black men, it's not really fair to imply it's a Black thing. I can think of several posts on here of women complaining that young White men were doing this, too FYI.

    (The main difference I ~have~ noticed with some Black men, as opposed to White men, is less motivation to get married but...)

    Dating is a lot different than it used to be. Sexual mores and social customs have changed, and all of the new technology has provide better and faster access. And I can see why staying home can sometimes be an appealing option instead of going out on a date (lack of money, limited entertainment options in the area, extensive entertainment options at home, a wish to avoid drama if the ppl involved have messy pasts, limited experience actually going on dates, etc.)

    I agree w/ CatitudeBoo; you have set some personal standards and not compromise them. There will always be other women who are "cheap dates" and so forth, but if a man really likes you, and you tell him you want to go out to such and such place, he will likely agree to it.

    I think it's fine to chill at home some times, too, tho. But not all the time and not starting from date #1.

    And remember, if the men are "disgusting," then the women are, too, bc they are going along with it. It takes two to tango.

    I am a lot older than you (if you are dating men born in the 90s). Some men have tried to go there w/ me but I don't entertain it.

    Agreed.

    And I like being a cheap date, but not in the way it's usually defined. For a first date, I only like to do coffee, smoothies, ice cream, etc. 1) it's quick. I may not want to be around you for more than an hour 2) I know dating can be expense for men. So it's also cheap
  • CatitudeBooCatitudeBoo Posts: 525Registered Users Curl Neophyte
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte

    LOL is this yours?

    Nothing wrong w/ chilling but that can't be all there is.

  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,778Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Great response!
    I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
    Audrey Hepburn
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    LOL, at least there's still code and I guess it's more polite than saying it directly('wanna have sex') - I hear these often

    'wanna chill/hangout' more recently 'have some good conversation' lol and he was really boring with convo

    'grab some drinks'
    'hang out'
    bla bla