My friend declined the speech/toast at my wedding...

sixelamy

Someone please tell me if I'm overreacting to being upset over this. It really makes me feel like I have nobody.

My maid of honor in our wedding is my 16 year old neice. She's young and very shy, and she said she didn't feel comfortable giving the speech/toast at the reception. Fully understandable. I used to be like that at that age. I wanted to ask my other niece, but thought she might give me the same answer, she is 18 - she's pretty quiet too. So I decided to ask friend and bridesmaid #1, because friend and bridesmaid #2 talks too fast when she's nervous and nobody can ever understand her.. plus we don't know each other that well anymore since she moved out of town. So I asked f/b #1 today and she asked if she could think about it, because she's "too shy". As a 33 year old mature woman, you can't give a toast at your friends wedding?? Isn't the toast like one of the most awesome things you can give to someone on their wedding day??

I ended up asking my other niece and she said she'd do it. I quote, "I will do anything for you because I love you." I feel like that's the answer I should have gotten from anybody that I asked. Maybe my expectations of people are too high. I'm shy too, but if my friend asked me to do it, I wouldn't even question it.

It makes me feel really cruddy, like I don't have any friends. Thank God for my niece, I love her to death. I was really worried that I would have nobody to give us a toast. I wish I had friends like my fiance does. He has the most awesome people in his life. I don't have many friends as it is, so I've kind of been holding onto people that maybe I should've let go a long time ago. I don't know...

multicultcurly

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not a shy person in front of strangers, but some other people may be uncomfortable giving a speech. However I assume that is part of being in a bridal party so you may just need to make better friends.

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eveum

A 33 year old can be shy, insecure, and not confident with giving speeches. If she wasn't 100% sure in the first place about giving it then I don't see why you're upset with her about it.

sixelamy

What do you mean "in the first place"? This is the first time I've asked her.

I had talked with her before about my niece not feeling comfortable, and she suggested that either herself or our other friend could do it. Now that I've asked her, she doesn't want to. So yes, I think I do have every right to be upset

spiderlashes5000

I understand how you feel, I think; I went thru something similar when looking for someone to be the godparent of my older child. (Catholics are supposed to choose other Catholics and I just don't know many Catholics so my options were very limited.) I kinda felt it was like a slap in the face, bc I would have agreed w/o a second thought. Their reasons didn't quite make sense to me...but I did believe the reasons. Don't think of it as a slight against you!

sixelamy

True, spiderlashes, thank you.
I know I shouldn't take it personal, but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. But yes, I think you felt the same exact way as I do right now.

PerriP

I understand it being difficult but, you'd rather have someone who would love to do it, right?

I would DIE if someone asked me to give a speech and I most likely would decline (I have done readings at two weddings, though). I have declined being a bridesmaid, as well. I am an introvert through and through. Thankfully, my friends know that about me and are okay with it.

also, yes, a toast is one of the most awesome things you can give someone and that may be a reason people would shy away from it - it's a lot of pressure.

please don't take it personally, even though it's hard not to

knitapeace

My daughter has a friend with severe social anxiety. If you just knew her in her group of friends you'd never believe it. She's funny, loud, silly, all the things 16 year olds generally are. But she will literally cry in front of a whole room of students if asked to recite, or give a speech, or anything else where all eyes are on her. I don't know you or your friend obviously, but it's possible that she might have some very real anxiety that she tried to mask when she suggested she or your other bridesmaid might fill in for your niece. Maybe she was hoping it wouldn't come to that, and realized she had promised too much. I'm sorry she made you feel bad, that must suck. But I'm so glad your sweet niece stepped up for you!!

sixelamy

Yes, PerriP! I'm so glad my niece is doing it instead of someone who is iffy on it.

I do understand the shyness.. but I guess I would never think of declining on something like that, that would mean a lot to a person. I have never known my friend to be shy though - she's always the one who is blunt, the peacemaker, and is not afraid to speak her mind. I guess she hides it well.

I guess where I'm coming from is that I don't feel like I have friends that would do the same thing for me as I would do for them. Like I said, maybe I just have too high of expectations for people.

sixelamy

knitapeace - you may have a point. I'm not sure on the anxiety part. My friend isn't one to open up to her friends at all on a personal level like that. It may be the case.

You are all are making good points.

spiderlashes5000

sixelamy wrote: »

Yes, PerriP! I'm so glad my niece is doing it instead of someone who is iffy on it.

I do understand the shyness.. but I guess I would never think of declining on something like that, that would mean a lot to a person. I have never known my friend to be shy though - she's always the one who is blunt, the peacemaker, and is not afraid to speak her mind. I guess she hides it well.

I guess where I'm coming from is that I don't feel like I have friends that would do the same thing for me as I would do for them. Like I said, maybe I just have too high of expectations for people.

But now that I am thinking back, my bff from high school asked me to be a bridesmaid and I declined and she didn't understand why and was furious. She simply could not understand, for the life of her, how being asked to fulfill that role was not the greatest honor in life. But she was in NY and I was in Ohio and I just had a baby weeks earlier, was breastfeeding and trying to lose the 75 pounds I had gained and I couldn't get fitted for dresses and help plan all these silly activities (out of state) with these other women I had never met. Plus, her fiancée was a total d-bag and I couldn't take him or their marriage seriously.

Ugh, yeah, that was a really awkward situation. I knew it meant a lot to her but I just couldn't do it.

sixelamy

Well yeah, if you have a lot going on it's understandable.

I ended up telling my friend I shouldn't be mad, because it wasn't anything personal toward me. She did offer to do it, if my niece didn't want to, and said she should've probably just said yes. I told her my niece wanted to and thanks for offering anyway. That was nice of her to say anyway.

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm still secretly a bit upset about it, but I'll be over it in a couple days.

claudine191

I think I'd feel the same way you do. However, please realize that you really do have people in your life, especially one who openly says she'd do anything for you. That's a lot to be happy about.

PerriP

sixelamy wrote: »

.

I guess where I'm coming from is that I don't feel like I have friends that would do the same thing for me as I would do for them. Like I said, maybe I just have too high of expectations for people.

I understand that and often times this is why our feelings get hurt, because we are operating from our own life experiences and expectations. If you were terrified of spiders and your friend asked you to carry one down the aisle for her, would you hesitate? Because it's sort of the same thing, assuming it is an anxiety issue/introvert thing, etc. for you, the speech is an honor, for her it may be a nightmare you are asking of her.

just food for thought

also, I'm viewed as very strong, forthright, and not afraid to speak my mind in my group of friends, I'm also the one making others laugh at a party - however, you ask me to give a speech, it's very different.

I'm very very glad your niece stepped up.

big hugs to you

sixelamy

claudine - Yeah, I know. I wish I saw her more often.

PerriP

also, I just want to share a story so that you don't think I don't understand. Once, I was going to be out of town and my mom was coming in from out of state to stay the weekend with my dogs. Mom doesn't drive and I had people lined up to check on her each day to see if she needed anything and one of them cancelled on me because "I have to sew my Halloween costume". I just absolutely could not understand how that trumped a prior commitment to my MOM!! I would never, ever do that, and it took me a long time to trust her again (or ask her to do anything for me) - that was in 2008. Truthfully, I still don't ask her to do anything for me - bc she "let me down" - and I am positive that she had no idea the level of importance I placed on that type of thing. So I do get it, 100%

scrills

Try not to take it personal. I know I have really being trying to be more patient with the introverts in my life. Sometimes, I just want to smack them and tell them to get over themselves. but I have to remain calm

curlypearl

You're so funny, Scrills. You're saying what I tell my horribly shy self when I have to be with more than 3 people at one time and am wishing wishing wishing that I could be home curled up with a good book:

This isn't about you Curlypearl! Nobody is interested in your "shyness." So you're shy - tough noogies. Get over yourself!:lurk:

scrills

PerriP wrote: »

also, I just want to share a story so that you don't think I don't understand. Once, I was going to be out of town and my mom was coming in from out of state to stay the weekend with my dogs. Mom doesn't drive and I had people lined up to check on her each day to see if she needed anything and one of them cancelled on me because "I have to sew my Halloween costume". I just absolutely could not understand how that trumped a prior commitment to my MOM!! I would never, ever do that, and it took me a long time to trust her again (or ask her to do anything for me) - that was in 2008. Truthfully, I still don't ask her to do anything for me - bc she "let me down" - and I am positive that she had no idea the level of importance I placed on that type of thing. So I do get it, 100%

Again, I see both sides. Did you need her to actually go over there or just call?

claudine191

Scrills, as much as I like and admire you, which is a lot, you do know that you tend to move a mile a minute in your life, right? That you make four decisions and feed a dozen in the time it takes me to go for a quick dog walk? That I once saw you reverse perfectly out of a long, twisting driveway on a hill at approximately 30 mph?

I say this because I'm not sure you know how engaged you are in life, and that some of the people you may consider introverted may just be.......a little bit slower than you are. OTOH, too much reflection can make a person brood (Hi, Claudine!), which is not good either.

My point is that I'm not sure you recognize how much energy you have. It's really admirable, but after a week at your pace, I would probably weep in a corner and beg for snacks.

scrills

Agreed. i try not to expect everyone to work at my pace. I was saying that I actually see the friend's POV. I don't see anything wrong with declining the speech. There are times when I have to say no to things like this. For example, I might consider the wedding a "night out" and wouldn't want to "work"/give a speech

As for the example above, I was actually thinking that I would have never agreed to go check on her mom. Or I would have done it and regretted it because I have a bad habit of taking too much on. I could see myself being so tight on time that I myself would go weep in the corner because I would either have to let down a friend (and so no to the mom thing) or give up something that maybe was the one thing that all month that I had been looking forward to, and that had been keeping me afloat.


The slap comment, that comes from work frustration. I arranged a meeting so that we would be in smaller groups and people would feel less pressure to speak in front of big group. Everyone told me how dumb that idea was. So we had the meeting with the large group. Half the team didn't speak up (introverts, they are great 1-on1). So they complained later so we had to have another hour long meeting, where they still didn't speak up. So yes, avoiding the urge to smack was real considering we are now 5 hours in and these people won't speak up, won't agree to meet in smaller groups, and then go later and complain they they weren't heard. My only other option is to go around the room and call everyone out one by one, but again they are introverts and I have been trying to make them comfortable. so yes, smacking is in order.

JLeighs

I declined to be a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding. She took it fine because everyone very close to me knows that I have severe stage fright. I've gotten a little better about it, and I was able to be a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding five years later. However, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that I would ever give a speech at a wedding or anywhere else, no matter who asked me. I would only end up embarrassing myself and everyone else. When I had to stand up and introduce myself in front of 80 people at a new position I took a couple of years ago, I nearly had a full-blown panic attack. All I had to do was say my name! I still don't know how I kept it together lol. Anyway, only those who I am extremely close to are aware of my severe public speaking phobia. It's not something I advertise because I feel rather silly about it.

PerriP

scrills wrote: »

PerriP wrote: »

also, I just want to share a story so that you don't think I don't understand. Once, I was going to be out of town and my mom was coming in from out of state to stay the weekend with my dogs. Mom doesn't drive and I had people lined up to check on her each day to see if she needed anything and one of them cancelled on me because "I have to sew my Halloween costume". I just absolutely could not understand how that trumped a prior commitment to my MOM!! I would never, ever do that, and it took me a long time to trust her again (or ask her to do anything for me) - that was in 2008. Truthfully, I still don't ask her to do anything for me - bc she "let me down" - and I am positive that she had no idea the level of importance I placed on that type of thing. So I do get it, 100%

Again, I see both sides. Did you need her to actually go over there or just call?

We agreed she'd go over and check on her, when she cancelled she didn't offer to call. She lived 10 minutes away, was the closest to me and had said it was no problem, that she'd want someone to check in with her mom, etc. I know that I over reacted (especially bc I still don't trust her to follow through on things), but, well, it hurt me and there you go

CurlyCanadian

It's hard (I would be hurt!), but I see both sides. I love giving speeches, save for the fact I always get teary, but I could talk forever!

I hate being in wedding parties though, and except for maybe one friend, I will never do it again. I always offer to do a reading, day of running around, whatever is needed. Being in a bridal party is horrible to me though.

Lotsawaves

I had to do a reading at my oldest daughter's wedding. I did not want to do it, but I did...for her. I knew there would be hard feelings if I didn't & I didn't think it would be worth it. Sometimes we are pulled out of our comfort zones. It depends on who I will do that for. I guess what I'm saying is that I would be hurt also. But for the sake of it, you need to get over it. Life is too short for grudges. Apparently, you thought enough of this person/s to ask them. Don't lose the friendship, bond over this.

Starmie

I could never do a speech/toast at a wedding or any other large gathering, no matter who was asking. I would probably feel as guilty as they feel disappointed but I am who I am and I just couldn't do it. I'm going to be 52 soon, so age and maturity has nothing to do with it.
Allow yourself to be disappointed, you're not being unreasonable, but then move on and enjoy the fact that your niece is actually thrilled to be doing it.

mustangbunny

Sixel- my sister made our other sister her maid of honor and wouldn't give a speech at the reception. It was awkward. If I'd been asked I would have jumped at the chance. My parents sort of put her in a position where she had to ask her to be maid of honor and then she was unenthusiastic and I was super annoyed. My sister who was getting married is still hurt by this to this day. It definitely wasn't because she is shy, though. She is an attorney who argues in court in front of lots of people. So if your friend is not shy I understand why you'd feel hurt.
I also feel you on the close friends things. I have a few friends but no one I feel very connected to. My boyfriend seems to have a lot of friends and it makes me feel sad, too. I feel more of a connection with people I've met online, like you.
I'm glad your niece will speak. She sounds super sweet.

sixelamy

mustangbunny wrote: »

Sixel- my sister made our other sister her maid of honor and wouldn't give a speech at the reception. It was awkward. If I'd been asked I would have jumped at the chance. My parents sort of put her in a position where she had to ask her to be maid of honor and then she was unenthusiastic and I was super annoyed. My sister who was getting married is still hurt by this to this day. It definitely wasn't because she is shy, though. She is an attorney who argues in court in front of lots of people. So if your friend is not shy I understand why you'd feel hurt.
I also feel you on the close friends things. I have a few friends but no one I feel very connected to. My boyfriend seems to have a lot of friends and it makes me feel sad, too. I feel more of a connection with people I've met online, like you.
I'm glad your niece will speak. She sounds super sweet.

My niece is awesome
I wish you lived closer, I think we would be good friends. I'm pretty much over the whole ordeal, but it's not something that I will easily forget. Your sister's situation sounds highly awkward! It makes it even worse when you think it might have been avoided had your sister gotten to pick herself. I need to starting making friends with my fiancé's friends, he has some awesome friends. Making new friends is a lot of work.

spiderlashes5000

Lotsawaves wrote: »

I had to do a reading at my oldest daughter's wedding. I did not want to do it, but I did...for her. I knew there would be hard feelings if I didn't & I didn't think it would be worth it. Sometimes we are pulled out of our comfort zones. It depends on who I will do that for. I guess what I'm saying is that I would be hurt also. But for the sake of it, you need to get over it. Life is too short for grudges. Apparently, you thought enough of this person/s to ask them. Don't lose the friendship, bond over this.

Yeah, I think the comfort zone thing is a good point. How do you show friendship if you aren't willing to stretch a little?

Blueblood

spiderlashes5000 wrote: »

Yeah, I think the comfort zone thing is a good point. How do you show friendship if you aren't willing to stretch a little?

Some people get physically sick or shake uncontrollably if they have to do public speaking or other duties in public.

While some people grow out of this as they mature others don't.

Therefore asking someone to "stretch a little" if it's going to make them ill is not worth it as not only will it ruin their day it will ruin yours.

Weddings, the events and people around them cause upset and throw up a few surprises. For everyone who says "No" to something there is someone else who will happily do it whether they are your dearest friend, sibling etc or not.

jeepcurlygurl

I'm 58, I'm not shy, but I don't like speaking at events such as this so I would also say 'no'. It would have nothing to do with the person who asked me. It would have to do with me. To each their own. Find someone who would enjoy doing this for you, do it yourself, or don't have a toast. Most of all, don't upset yourself over it and enjoy your day!