Etiquette Question

sew and sew

My SIL is a little over 8 months pregnant and this Saturday a few of us are going out for dinner and maybe something else in honor of her and the baby, and in lieu of a baby shower. She's from WA (moved to CA when she married my brother) and her family and friends gave her a 'proper' baby shower up there in November.

I was planning a less formal, co-ed one here, but after thinking about it, my SIL and brother felt like there wasn't a way to avoid having an awkward guest list. So then it turned into some ladies she's closer with (my mom, I, and two others) going out with her in her honor.

I was already planning on covering her dinner, but I'm wondering...since the other two are invitees, should I cover their dinner too, and whatever else we wind up doing? One of them wanted to help out with throwing the baby shower back when one was planned, but that probably shouldn't matter because it would be awkward to then cover all but one person (covering my mom by default).

CurlyCanadian

I wouldn't, honestly it wouldn't have even occurred to me.

I would think of it like a birthday and one person or the group pick up the meal for the guest of honour.

CurlyCanadian

And as one of the guests, it wouldn't occur to me that the host was paying for my meal.

multicultcurly

Yeah I'm with CC. I would assume each guest would pitch in for the mom-to-be and pay for his or her own meal since it isn't catered. However, since there are some silly people who don't know this, you may want to send a group email reiterating this.

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sew and sew

I should probably add that both of these guests are definitely aware that this is being done in place of a baby shower that was scrapped.

I hadn't thought of paying for them myself until recently. It just occurred to me that if I had done the baby shower, they would be guests enjoying (ideally ) all of that...and since this is in its place, maybe I should get the tab?

But then the other side of that is that they may not bring any gifts (and naturally there's no expectation that they do) as if it was a shower, so every woman for herself save the honoree makes sense on that note.

PerriP

I say every woman for herself!

Starmie

I too think that the only person that should be 'treated' is the guest of honour, when it's a going out for dinner scenario.

spiderlashes5000

I would email all the guests and reiterate "we'll all be picking up the cost of our own individual meals" and then ask something like "but would you also be interested in pitching in $25 additionally to get her a gift card?" Or whatever the possible something else was so it's clear but not rude.

PerriP

yes, you could even go with something along the lines of...
"since we aren't doing a traditional baby shower, gifts are not necessary (but of course, if you want to bring something, it'd be welcome) I'll be paying for her meal at the restaurant, so no one needs to worry about that!"

or, heck, depending on how well you know them "i'll buy her food - but you buy your own!" LOL

sixelamy

I personally wouldn't cover everybody's.
However, if it were my parents, they would. I don't know if it's because it was a different era when they were young or what. I guess it depends on what your convictions are and if you have the money. Usually when a shower takes place these days, everybody chips in for food. I assume it would be the same for a restaurant.

sew and sew

Thanks for the input all!

I wound up just paying for my SIL, mom and I for dinner, and then everyone for frozen yogurt afterward (which they seemed surprised by). The guest who wanted to help out with the shower gave me some cash later. She also brought a gift for the mom to be.

Starmie

Sounds like it worked out well, hope she enjoyed it.

curlyprincess1

Did the baby come before the wedding? I think maybe that is why there might by confusion with all due respect.

CurlyCanadian

What would that have to do with it?

sew and sew

curlyprincess1 wrote: »

Did the baby come before the wedding? I think maybe that is why there might by confusion with all due respect.

No, their 3 year anniversary is this Summer. There wasn't inherent confusion though. I just had to figure out the host-appropriate way to foot things in lieu of throwing a baby shower.

Starmie, she did seem to enjoy it, so mission accomplished!

17 days until her due date so we're all pretty excited. It's weird to think of my brother being a dad.