Relationships: What you thought mattered vs what matters

fraufrau Curl NeophytePosts: 6,130Registered Users Curl Neophyte
Tell me what you think makes a long term relationship work for you.
Tell me what you used to think would be important but has thus proven not so important.

No one, I repeat NO ONE UNDER 34 may respond to this message!!!

TIA :wave:

Comments

  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Curl Virtuoso Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I'll be the first to admit I don't have this all figured out! So take this w/ a grain of salt LOL

    Constants spanning from "then" til now for me include:
    shared values
    shared religious beliefs
    shared life goals
    physical attraction

    But lately I've started to realize the importance of these additional matters:
    similar emotional needs
    similar lifestyles
    shared goals for the relationship
    empathy
    the ability to show love in a way that is important to the other person/"Love Languages"
    sexual compatibility

  • fraufrau Curl Neophyte Posts: 6,130Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Thanks Spider!
    Don't forget to add the things that you've found weren't so important.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Curl Virtuoso Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    frau wrote: »
    Thanks Spider!
    Don't forget to add the things that you've found weren't so important.

    haha, there aren't many things that I've ruled as unimportant; I get pickier and pickier as I get older. My list of must haves keeps growing. 99% of the dating pool is undatable to me. :happy8:

    I'm curious what your reason is for asking and also your views, too. Have you stumbled upon some new insight?

  • Fifi.GFifi.G Curl Neophyte Posts: 15,490Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    frau wrote: »
    Tell me what you think makes a long term relationship work for you.
    Tell me what you used to think would be important but has thus proven not so important.

    TIA :wave:

    Things that make a long term relationship work for me:

    Sense of humor
    Ability to have comfortable silence
    Some what similar personality traits, though I am not one to freak out over oppisites. Sometimes you balance each other out.
    Similar maturity/emotional levels (love a laid back guy)
    Intelligence/ability to think for ones self. No need for a rocket scientist but I can't deal with dumb ***** who can not make a decision to save their life.
    Common sexual drive
    Passion/attraction
    Great kissing match (those 3 are high on my list)
    This is more of a preference but I find myself in longer relationships with guys who are very skilled in seveal areas. Music, art and a handyman/grease monkey... I'm sold!! It might not be highest on my list but it does not hurt. My first love could do all plus carpentry. Longest relationship I have had to date.
    I will say religious views play some part for me but not in a way many might expect. I could care less is someone believes or does not believe. I just can't take extreme opposites of the spectrum. Those who are uber religious and those who are very anti. I dated several guys who fell in anti when I was younger but they were not hard on other people who were and they eventually grew out of that phase/mellowed out. Some even became religious. At this point, they should have it figured out.

    I may have to get back to you on things I have discovered are not important. I have never been an incredibly picky person or had a laundry list of requirements. I like the person for whatever reason and it goes from there.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Curl Virtuoso Posts: 20,727Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    Old ideas of what was important -
    Being together all the time.
    Having my SO's total involvement with my family. All events, holidays, etc.
    Having the same basic views on every aspect in life - kids, money, job, family, politics, religion.
    Having the same sense of humor, same sex drive, same goals, etc etc.
    Having loads in common.
    Having the physical looks that I prefer.

    Current ideas -
    Pretty much the total opposite of the above.
    Looks don't matter as much now, thank goodness.
    I no longer force my SO's to spend all their time with me and/or my family.
    We don't need to have lots in common, just a few things we love doing together. Otherwise we should have our own lives with our own hobbies.
    Differences in goals, priorities, sex drive (I have a high sex drive and tend to attract men with similar appetites so it's never been an issue), sense of humor (tho they have to have some sort of sense of humor. I can't take a totally serious person), etc can all be worked around.

    A few things I would never compromise on, then or now. I would never be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't love animals, who is religious, or who is conservative/right wing.
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  • DaniGirl88DaniGirl88 Curl Neophyte Posts: 1,583Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Things that make a long term relationship work for me:

    Understanding each other's past and learned behaviors
    Being understanding of each other's flaws
    Communication....Open, Honest, Constant
    Trust
    Shared values and desires
    Unconditional love
    Attraction, emotionally and physically
    Compatibility
    Tolerance of each other's families
    Frequent quality time
    Sharing each other's interests
    Understanding the other person's goals and being supportive
    Willingness to work at the relationship and through difficult times
    Forgiveness
    Tenderness
    Gratitude and appreciation of each other
    Noticing the little things
    Random love notes/expressions of endearment
    Being best friends
    Being able to laugh with each other/at each other

    Things that didn't really mean as much as I thought they would:

    Matching a version of an ideal guy that you had in your mind/being your type
    Beauty/Attractiveness
    Overly romantic getaways/gestures
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Looking for new products and methods to try!



  • Fifi.GFifi.G Curl Neophyte Posts: 15,490Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Let me add common sense to intelligence! That is 300x more important to me than book smarts (though book doesn't hurt either).

    You sound a lot like me, Jeepy. I usually provide wiggle room. I could not do an extreme right or left winger. No highly conservative moon bats allowed. Reel it in a bit. We don't have to have the exact same opinions on everythng but I want to at least relate and love open minds. *I recently dated a guy who thought a woman should share his views on everything, large and small. It seemed like he was looking for someone to validate every thought he had and choice he made.* I can't deal with serious and love someone who can make me laugh but being aboe to laugh at yourself and laugh in general is far more important to me. I make myself laugh all the time, so I'm good there :)

    I used to refuse to date any guy who liked country music but I got over. If they only listen to country, we still have a problem. lol. It took forever for me to date a hunter, too. I was against killing bambi in high school, but got over that too. I am also with Jeepy on the speding all your time together, being in contact 24-7, etc. To me that is stuff you find more important when young and working your way through the world of dating.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Curl Virtuoso Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Trust
    Enjoy time together
    Sexually compatible
    Similar goals
    Enjoys family
    Good communication

    I've always felt this way.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • fraufrau Curl Neophyte Posts: 6,130Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm curious what your reason is for asking and also your views, too. Have you stumbled upon some new insight?

    I'm trying to get real life opinions about what makes a good relationship work. I've been asked by a young person to give them advice about marriage and of course, wtf do i know? I've never been married and about the only thing I know about relationships is how to have bad ones, lol.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Curl Virtuoso Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    The really good marriages that I have personally seen are the ones where the couple actually like each other. They have common interests & do a lot together. Also a mutual respect.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • sixelamysixelamy Curl Novice Posts: 4,157Registered Users Curl Novice
    What I used to think:
    Same interests
    Mutual love
    Grand gestures to show love
    Someone exactly like me
    Sex everyday


    What I think now:
    Communication
    Loyalty
    Honesty
    Mutual genuine interest, respect, and love
    It's really the little things that show love, instead of the grand gestures (I had that with one relationship and absolutely hated it)
    Sex when we need it

    The biggest thing I've learned is differences in a relationship make the relationship stronger in the way of learning, respecting, and teaching. If you learn or teach,or respect the other person's intersets then the relationship is pretty pointless and ultimately boring. This is what whats my world go round.
    2c-3a - med-coarse - normal-high porosity - high density
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  • butter52butter52 Posts: 292Registered Users
    Hmf.

    Frau who are you to tell me and any other under 34yolds in such a rude way wich threads we can answer or not?
  • fraufrau Curl Neophyte Posts: 6,130Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Aww, I didn't mean it in a rude way. Sorry young butter52, I just prefer the opinion of someone who has lived an adult life and had a long term relationship. Your youthful advice is nice but not really needed because I'm looking for a change or a blossoming that may not have happened to you yet.
  • Fifi.GFifi.G Curl Neophyte Posts: 15,490Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    butter52 wrote: »
    Hmf.

    Frau who are you to tell me and any other under 34yolds in such a rude way wich threads we can answer or not?


    I'm creeping up on 40 and still have figured it all out yet. If someone asked me about marriage like they did Frau, I'd have to tell them to ask someone else. I've spent most of my time avoiding it or dealing with the cards life handed me, but when it comes to ones teens and 20s... Been there, done that. More than once. You'll get it one day ;)
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • butter52butter52 Posts: 292Registered Users
    Ok frau sorry if i found it rude and you didnt mean so.
    :)
  • DaniGirl88DaniGirl88 Curl Neophyte Posts: 1,583Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    frau wrote: »
    Aww, I didn't mean it in a rude way. Sorry young butter52, I just prefer the opinion of someone who has lived an adult life and had a long term relationship. Your youthful advice is nice but not really needed because I'm looking for a change or a blossoming that may not have happened to you yet.


    I hope you find the advice you're looking for! =)
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    3B, fine, normal porosity, high density, medium width and length
    Conditioner: Tresemme Naturals, Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle
    Co-Wash: As I Am Coconut Co-Wash
    Leave in Products: As I Am Leave-In, SM Smoothie/Milk, KCKT, Giovanni Direct Leave-In
    Air Dry

    Looking for new products and methods to try!



  • theliothelio Posts: 5,374Registered Users
    under 34, but don't mind the wisdom of older ladies.

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