Mean and impatient Sibling Problem...any others have issues with siblings?

koolkurlkoolkurl Posts: 252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
My brother who is in his 50s was always immature and abusive due perhaps to social skills issues but since he has been unemployed for over 4 years he is worse than ever. It is really a shame that he has actually become hostile towards me lately probably because of his general unhappiness and frustration over his unsuccessful job search. Even worse, he lost his last consulting client recently. He is my only sibling and I have tried to ask my mother to mediate but then she got angry when I brought it up and said she is so depressed over our deteriorating relationship. I don't see how this will improve as my brother really needs to explore other career options as there are presently almost no opportunities in his old field but he won't ...does anyone out there have any idea how to get along better with an unhappy abusive sibling?

Comments

  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    unfortunately, you have to leave him be. He will change when he wants to change. He needs to want it more than you want it for him. Hopefully that comes quickly.

    As for your mom, explain to her that you love your brother and will always be there for him but that you are giving him some space to find his way. I hope you don't take offense to this, but your mother using depression to get you to deal with your brother is it's own form of emotional abuse.

    Sorry you are going through this
  • DaniGirl88DaniGirl88 Posts: 1,583Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    koolkurl wrote: »
    My brother who is in his 50s was always immature and abusive due perhaps to social skills issues but since he has been unemployed for over 4 years he is worse than ever. It is really a shame that he has actually become hostile towards me lately probably because of his general unhappiness and frustration over his unsuccessful job search. Even worse, he lost his last consulting client recently. He is my only sibling and I have tried to ask my mother to mediate but then she got angry when I brought it up and said she is so depressed over our deteriorating relationship. I don't see how this will improve as my brother really needs to explore other career options as there are presently almost no opportunities in his old field but he won't ...does anyone out there have any idea how to get along better with an unhappy abusive sibling?

    I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I honestly don't have any good advice, unfortunately. I would say that you can distance yourself, but I don't know if that will help. I've learned to stand back and remove myself from their lives in that respect.

    I have a sibling that drives me crazy with the way she takes advantage of my mom. She recently had the opportunity for a job, which is great since she's been unemployed for 2 years almost. It was an exciting opportunity to get back in the workforce and she got hired. It was right across the street from where she lives, which is a bonus because she doesn't have a car. However, she recently told my mom that she's not going to keep it. We were both baffled. My mom's been taking her to the store, and her appointments, and she doesn't live close to my sister. So, it's a little annoying that my sister would turn down a job that would allow her to better herself and get out of the slump she is in. I've learned though, that my sister will do what she wants, regardless. So, I keep my mouth shut and don't involve myself. Or at least I try not to. It's sad, but I don't think there's much else I can do.
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  • claudine191claudine191 Posts: 8,221Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I don't know if this will be helpful, but just in case it is.....

    I suspect my brother, who is older than I am, successful, and controlling (bossy, even) probably finds me a problem sibling. We have very different coping skills, and have made very different choices in life. At times I find him both over-bearing and cold, and we have a very uneven relationship: sometimes we're involved in each other's lives, and sometimes we're not. What seems to be working for me is to confine our contact to situations in which I'm equally in control, such as at restaurants or theatrical productions in which my niece or nephew appear. Public stuff. I get antsy and claustrophobic at his house, though it's conventionally "nicer" than my own (go figure).

    Though our father had his own problems that made it impossible for him to act as a mediator, I found that over time, going with the flow helped. By that I mean that when my brother was mean or difficult, I learned to stay away. When he approached me, I proceeded with caution. I would say that if your mother can't or won't help, know that you have made every effort to connect with your brother, and there's nothing more you can do for now. If your mother complains, be truthful: "I asked you for help and you couldn't get involved. So, this is how things are for now."

    Sibling relationships are tough. And every child (and adult child) has her own relationship with her parent(s). I know of few siblings who get along consistently. If you can comfortably put some distance between you, it may help you gain perspective about his role in your life and how to handle the gaps between what you want, versus what you've got.

    HTH
  • WildfoxWildfox Posts: 148Registered Users
    My brother is a drug addict/alcoholic. He's been sober for a long time but he's still dealing with a serious brain injury from a drunk driving accident as well as finding out he's probably bipolar. I live with him and have watched him abuse (not physical) his ex girlfriend and our mother. Dealing with him can be extremely difficult as he's quick to anger and does a lot of childish things for attention including bullying people and just being an ass in general. I deal with his behaviour by not taking it personally, and even though it doesn't change anything I do call him out on the things he does that I think he has control over (some of his actions he clearly can't control and those I leave alone). The resentment I feel towards him because of the way he treats people hurts, and is often a conflict between me and my mother because I feel she excuses too much and enables a lot of it. At the end of the day my only advice is to keep in mind that the way he's acting is not a reflection on you, his issues are his issues. If you can find compassion within yourself to try to help (even though it likely will go unacknowledged) great! And if it is too hurtful for you that's fine also, take some space if that's what you need. It's hard to watch someone suffer but it's likely out of your control.
  • koolkurlkoolkurl Posts: 252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Thanks everyone for your feedback! You were all very helpful. I also found this article on the net that could perhaps help anyone out there dealing with similar issues: How To Deal With Mean and Nasty People
  • WildfoxWildfox Posts: 148Registered Users
    That article has a lot of good advice, it reminded me of my relationship with my mother as well.
  • So_JaneSo_Jane Posts: 155Registered Users
    koolkurl wrote: »
    My brother who is in his 50s was always immature and abusive due perhaps to social skills issues but since he has been unemployed for over 4 years he is worse than ever. It is really a shame that he has actually become hostile towards me lately probably because of his general unhappiness and frustration over his unsuccessful job search. Even worse, he lost his last consulting client recently. He is my only sibling and I have tried to ask my mother to mediate but then she got angry when I brought it up and said she is so depressed over our deteriorating relationship. I don't see how this will improve as my brother really needs to explore other career options as there are presently almost no opportunities in his old field but he won't ...does anyone out there have any idea how to get along better with an unhappy abusive sibling?


    I have one requirement and that is hands-off... People have th right to think and feel whatever, but you do not have the right to verbally or physically abuse anyone... It is wrong and when you are related, it is even worse, because it means that that person can't possibly have loved or respected their family member before robbing, battering or echk-incest-raping) them... Remember that crazy story about the man who was divorcing so he murdered his two toddlers or the woman who molested her own daughter... These people are violent criminals who happen to be related to their victims...


    However, you do have the right to forgive in your own way, whether that is with inclusion (and family therapy), or exclusion (forgive them, but move on in separate lives)... Anything you decide will be difficult because relatives always expect you to let them in no matter what, I have seen many child molesters crying about how they wish they could have a relationship with their child/victim--who in their right mind would expect the survivor of battery-or-attempted murder-or rape to want to interact with them later on in life (except a crazy relative)...? It is unjust and unfair. But, the victim holds the cards in how they choose to move forward in this type of situation. I have relatives that I have completely stopped speaking to because of something that was said-- I believe it is okay to disagree, but I also think people say what they really feel and if some one calls me (insert adjective for 'filthy-animal' here) , then I know that's how they really felt and even though they were drunk or heated, they said what they meant in their heart.. As Christian I forgive everything that has ever happened, but as a human being I reserve the right to exclude those people from my life how I see fit--- in some cases they should be glad they weren't bought up on charges, for theft of credit cards, verbal abuse and other things,


    but --it is important to note that I know these things happened because I was a convenient victim to them and not the respected loved one that the family or friendship boundary should have represented... When I was in college I was a mentor and I met a guy who was on probation that used to steal cars, (another long story--but, hey he was reformed and going to college---) -but I know that if he was still on the wrong side of the law, that he would never have robbed me or my home out of 'respect' for our friendship..-- Violence is wrong and crime is wrong, but if they don't even recognize boundaries of friendship or being related as a hands-off boundary in their lifestyle, there is no telling what this type of person might do to another human being if they are willing to victimize their own friends and family--


    The fact that you want to continue a relationship tells me you are the forgiving with Inclusion type of person, which is very, very generous, but you must be careful, because people can and do take advantage of the ones who love them, first..

    As long as he has never stolen from you or touched you, maybe it can be resolved through communication, but with some distance---you have to set physical and emotional boundaries to protect yourself...
    That's honestly the only way I see it. There has to be some type of boundary or there can be no 'civility'. :(
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  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    1) not knowing how to show love <> not loving. We don't know the OP or her brother well enough to say

    2) how did we move to rape, murder and incest

    3) coincidence. I was just listening to NPR and that story about the husband murdering 2 kids is being reopened because evidence that convicted him is now considered junk science

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  • BluebloodBlueblood Posts: 1,748Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    @So_Jane your post has nothing to do with the original poster's post.

    Maybe you should try and understand a post before commenting.

    The post is about interaction between adult siblings.

    The behavior described is in the normal range, even though it is unpleasant. It has absolutely nothing to do with murder, physical violence or sexual molestation.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,301Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I was going to post on this before because I had an issue a couple weeks ago. Mine are really not that bad at all but are very impatient with me. I have some bad habits I've picked up from my mom and sometimes they are really bad at picking on me about them. One is not even a bad habit, sometimes I forget or am slow at getting things. Usually it's whatever, but we went to go watch the fb game at a bar and I invited 2 friends(only because one wanted to see if I was out watching so I invited him and the another friend, usually I don't try to scare my friends with my family) and they did it front of them, also my brother used to do it in front of both my last exes (so I stopped inviting him out because not only that he was just disrespectful to me at times in front of them).

    I'm at the point where the next time we get together, I'm just going to have to not say much at all anymore. Last time it happened and I got back to my apartment(I was at my parents house all weekend with them), I was so relieved and bothered at the same time.
  • claudine191claudine191 Posts: 8,221Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I get really tired after seeing my family.
  • koolkurlkoolkurl Posts: 252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Me too Claudine! I was so exhausted at work today and kept dropping things in my cubicle and I even backed my chair into a file drawer when someone suddenly popped into my cubicle. I bet people thought I was drunk the night before and I was hung over...It was just the day after a stressful family visit!
  • claudine191claudine191 Posts: 8,221Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Oh that's a total hangover for me. I have come home from seeing them and gone straight to bed. For sleep, and because it makes me feel safe.
  • PerriPPerriP Posts: 6,613Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Oh that's a total hangover for me. I have come home from seeing them and gone straight to bed. For sleep, and because it makes me feel safe.

    Yep. Same here.
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