Spinoff: To what extent do you accommodate your partner?

spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
This could be about sex - when you are not in the mood or don't want to do something for whatever reason. Or it could be about nonsexual activities - when he/she wants you to participate in something you don't enjoy or have never done.

To what extent are you flexible in your relationship. In the book How to Love Me, one of the questions is something like:

Being in a relationship means
a) we will change to make each other happy
b) we can accept one another as we are


  • butter52butter52 Registered Users Posts: 292
    That depends on so many factors like

    Do I not feel now but maybe tomorrow?
    Do I hate it?
    Do i just dont care for it?
    have I tried it before?
    How important is it for the other?
  • Fifi.GFifi.G Registered Users Posts: 15,490 Curl Neophyte
    Personally, to me, being in a relationship means (B.) accepting each other as we are. That contains compromise in situations, imo, along with somewhat similar basic terms. You can't escape compromise when more than one person is involved. At times you each have to do mundane things you are not particularly fond of, and you each have to give the other person space to not be in the mood. Just as long as it doesn't become about one person alone.

    I am not currently in a relationship, but I have never had a problem with NOT being in the bedroom mood when in one. Unless I am sick. I did date a guy or two who wanted to try things I was not interested in and would not compromise on. I like trying different things but nothing about this is or was remotely enticing/a turn on to me. Quite the opposite. He had to understand that and if he could not accept it, so be it. I also dated a (very A-Sexual) guy with a tragically low sex drive who could rarely seem to gain interest more than once a month, with anyone. That was highly miserable for me. It would have helped if he would have been more upfront about his nature. It was a pattern in every one of his relationships, and one he was aware of. He got involved with women during a period of a slightly higher drive and then comfortably settled into down and disinterested. The relationship revolved around his needs alone, 99% of the time. He honestly could not help it in the bedroom and got too comfortable with things going his way in all other concerns because of it. I could not stand it. I ended up looking at him with detached distain, and constantly told him to STFU. I hated the sound of his voice. It would have been one thing if something happened that diminished his drive along way. He pretty much avoided truth. Tell it and find someone with a similar low drive who likes to talk about winning the lottery and actions figures all day.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

  • JosephineJosephine Registered Users Posts: 14,408 Curl Connoisseur
    butter52 wrote: »
    That depends on so many factors like
    How important is it for the other?

    This is the main factor for me.
  • Fifi.GFifi.G Registered Users Posts: 15,490 Curl Neophyte
    Being in a relationship means
    a) we will change to make each other happy
    b) we can accept one another as we are

    This makes me go :-/

    I personally don't go after people I want to change, and am well aware there are numerous things you will never change. I in no way expect everything about us to be 100% the same either. "We think exactly a like on all issues" has never been on my list. I don't mind someone who pushes or challenges me and makes me want to be a better version of myself, as in who I am already. Not someone completely different.

    You have to use common sense with things like... If you go to church every Sunday, don't marry a Satanist. If you have a high sex drive, don't marry someone who can run sex 4 times a year. You will inevitably be miserable. (That of course is speaking of someones true nature, not physical problems that may spring up later, etc...)
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    to the same level he's willing to do for me.:toothy10::queen:
  • multicultcurlymulticultcurly Registered Users Posts: 5,136 Curl Connoisseur
    I agree with Fifi. People compromise for the ones you love, but if you have to change everything about yourself or the most important parts of yourself, then the relationship isn't worth your time.

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  • DaniGirl88DaniGirl88 Registered Users Posts: 1,583 Curl Neophyte
    It depends on how important it is to him. I think couples should definitely compromise in a relationship, but I don't think they should lose themselves entirely for the sake of making the other person happy. If my husband wants to do something that I particularly don't want to do, I think about it and ask myself if it is something he asks me to do regularly (like go to the range), and how important it is for me to do this with him. Usually though, I find that what he wants to do is in line with what I want to do. =)

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  • sixelamysixelamy Registered Users Posts: 4,157 Curl Novice
    I agree, it really does depend how important it is to the other person. It also depends what reasoning you have for not doing it. There should always be compromise, but not if you're compromising your well-being or your values.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Registered Users Posts: 31,259 Curl Connoisseur
    I don't even know anymore. After almost 20 years together, we know each other so well that neither would ask the other to compromise their principles or beliefs to accommodate the other. We both know exactly how much we can ask of the other person.

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