Afro texture wedding ban: is my friend being unreasonable?

Hello ladies!

Would love your advice!

My best mate is getting married this August and I will be a bridesmaid. On the night of her surprise engagement party (which happened around an hour after her man proposed) she said that we would all have straight hair as bridesmaids and no afro texture. At the time I took it as a joke. A few months later and it is now apparent that she is serious. She wants us all to have our hair pulled back and to be straight. She also wants to hire a stylist to our hair for us. She always wears weaves and relaxes occasionally so I know that the stylist will not be someone that knows how to take care of natural hair.

I've never worn a weave in my life and am not keen on having one. I told her that I can't straighten my hair because it will revert back after an hour from all the sweat from the dancing and the hustle. Moreover, I haven't straightened my hair for nine years so if I didn it again I would take my sweet time and use my products. So I agreed to wear a wig for the wedding as she wants us all to have straight hair and she has said that's okay but wants to inspect the wig first. This morning she sent a message to the bridesmaids of the hairstyle she wants us to have. Upon seeing it I sent a message back saying that I would be able to use curlformers to achieve the straightness required for the style (low updo) and joked there's no need for the wig. She messages me back saying that the stylist has to do everything, no diy and reminded me that no afro texture either.

I can't tell whether she is being unreasonable or not. It's her wedding day and I know how stressful it can be just from organising my sister's traditional ceremony so I don't want to be difficult. I can understand a hairstyle requirement but it seems a bit weird to me to insist on a hair texture requirement. My sister and one or two other seemed a bit surprised about the afro texture ban, so to speak, but I have no idea if this is the norm or not.

What do you guys think? Have you ever had a similar request? Do you think it's reasonable?

Would love your thoughts. Right now I'm feeling a bit irritated but perhaps I shouldn't be...
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Comments

  • dixygirldixygirl Posts: 279Banned Users
    It is her wedding. You have the right to not be one of the bride's maids if you wish to protest. But SHE is paying for it and it is HER DAY. This is common practice of many women in Africa. They do not understand American women. Bear in mind, many American Black women have naturally looser textures now after generations of interbreeding with Caucasians and Indians. The Nigerians are more consistently 4c which makes the concept of not using a straightener a far more difficult endeavor.
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  • NayaMooreNayaMoore Posts: 60Registered Users
    dixygirl wrote: »
    It is her wedding. You have the right to not be one of the bride's maids if you wish to protest. But SHE is paying for it and it is HER DAY. This is common practice of many women in Africa. They do not understand American women. Bear in mind, many American Black women have naturally looser textures now after generations of interbreeding with Caucasians and Indians. The Nigerians are more consistently 4c which makes the concept of not using a straightener a far more difficult endeavor.

    Um please don't spread ignorance, you have no idea what you're talking about
  • NayaMooreNayaMoore Posts: 60Registered Users
    If she's not paying for you to get your hair done by her stylist then you can go to whatever stylist you want. As long as you have the style of hair she wants for her wedding that's all that matters.

    This would only be unreasonable if she is not paying the money for you to be her bridesmaid. Otherwise it's her wedding, get the style whether it's your real hair , sew in, or wig or don't be in it.
  • saltybubblegumsaltybubblegum Posts: 12Registered Users
    dixygirl wrote: »
    It is her wedding. You have the right to not be one of the bride's maids if you wish to protest. But SHE is paying for it and it is HER DAY. This is common practice of many women in Africa. They do not understand American women. Bear in mind, many American Black women have naturally looser textures now after generations of interbreeding with Caucasians and Indians. The Nigerians are more consistently 4c which makes the concept of not using a straightener a far more difficult endeavor.

    Um, I'm not American and don't live in the States. Both of my parents are from Anambra State. I have straight up kinky 4b hair otherwise she wouldn't have suggested straightening!
  • dixygirldixygirl Posts: 279Banned Users
    3b/c, 2c at nape, fine, norm-hi porosity, low density, biracial, BSL
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  • AngelaE8654AngelaE8654 Posts: 1,099Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    Personally, I think requiring bridesmaids' hair to all be the same is unreasonable. Everybody has different hair, just like we all have different skin, etc. To have the bridesmaids all wear the same color/style of dress is one thing. To have them all have the same hair is quite another, in my book. Yes, it's her wedding and all that but people are different and this style she wants is not going to look perfect or look the same on everyone, regardless of how much she wants it to be that way.

    If you want to do this and not "rock the boat" (which I do personally understand) I suppose going with the wig would be the way to do it as if it were me, I'd refuse to have my hair straightened.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    I'm definitely a "curly" 2c. Sometimes curly and sometimes just wavy upper layer with a ringlety under layer. My hair has been thick and coarse since birth. Strawberry blonde in color that can and does change depending on the type and amount of light.


    All in all, I'm happy with my hair type but almost for sure think yours is prettier. :)
  • CoiffedcoilsCoiffedcoils Posts: 35Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think she's being reasonable. She's paying and it is her wedding, she should be able to get what she wants. Just get a wig, so you can easily get to your hair after it's over.

    I do understand your frustration though.
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  • Morgan_AdcockMorgan_Adcock Posts: 2,573Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    It sounds pretty obvious to me that this really bothers you, and it would bother me a lot too. My hair is part of me, and part of my identity; and I wouldn't want to risk damaging it for somebody else's fairytale.

    You have the right to decline being in the wedding party, but if you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings by doing that, I'd suggest setting your hair on CurlFormers and going to her hairdresser with your wig. If the hairdresser can do your hair to match the other bridesmaids' without straightening it, all to the better. If she can't, have her use the wig. If you're concerned that the hairdresser mightn't like the wig, do a consult with her well in advance of the wedding day.
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  • BluebloodBlueblood Posts: 1,748Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Firstly dixygirl is talking rubbish. Because of people like her spreading ignorant rubbish lots of members of my family have suffered abuse and on a few occasions severe bullying.

    Secondly lots of brides turn into "bridezillas" when they are getting married. They think they control everything about how other people in their wedding party looks as well as everything else in their wedding.

    In my own family's case when one of my sisters' tried that on with hair styles for her wedding lots of the family were suddenly "busy" on her wedding day and so couldn't come even though her comments weren't targeted at them. They were just a step too far and offended several of my older siblings who had grown up being told their natural hair wasn't acceptable by a mainly White society.

    If you are unhappy with your friend not liking your hair you have two choices either comply with her wishes to get your hair straight or decline being a bridesmaid.

    Personally I wouldn't be friends with anyone who has an issue with afro textured hair let alone be a bridesmaid for them. Then again the friends' I've been bridesmaid/groom's woman for didn't and don't have that problem.
  • saltybubblegumsaltybubblegum Posts: 12Registered Users
    It sounds pretty obvious to me that this really bothers you, and it would bother me a lot too. My hair is part of me, and part of my identity; and I wouldn't want to risk damaging it for somebody else's fairytale.

    You have the right to decline being in the wedding party, but if you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings by doing that, I'd suggest setting your hair on CurlFormers and going to her hairdresser with your wig. If the hairdresser can do your hair to match the other bridesmaids' without straightening it, all to the better. If she can't, have her use the wig. If you're concerned that the hairdresser mightn't like the wig, do a consult with her well in advance of the wedding day.

    That's good advice; thanks! I did suggest to her that she comes and sees a wig with me in advance, which she agreed to. She's been hinting that she'd rather I got a weave than a wig though. But yeah, it may be best to use curlformers and show her what it's like and she may decide that it will do.
  • dixygirldixygirl Posts: 279Banned Users
    Blueblood wrote: »
    Firstly dixygirl is talking rubbish. Because of people like her spreading ignorant rubbish lots of members of my family have suffered abuse and on a few occasions severe bullying.

    .

    Please do not displace your anger. I did not say that I believe hair must be straight I did not tell you what I think about straightening hair at all... [Reading comprehension folks!] I said many Black women in AFRICA believe in relaxers even more than American Black women. This is particularly the case with the older African women. Many of the younger women in both Africa and in the US are going to natural hair. Many older women in African can not comprehend why their American and younger counterparts are not relaxing their hair because they were raised to appreciate relaxing hair. These are statistical FACTS not rubbish. Now if you do not like these facts, that is a totally different issue. So please do not misread what I wrote to think I gave my opinion on straight hair because I did not give my personal opinion on hair straightening at all.

    My personal opinion is that of course one should be able to wear their hair however they want to! She can protest and say" I will not be in your wedding if I can not wear my hair the way I want to."
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  • CurlyInTheFogCurlyInTheFog Posts: 876Registered Users
    Whenever I see words like "statistical FACTS" the science nerd in me wants to see the data, so if you claim it, please post it.

    I think having a wig styled by her hairdresser is probably the best solution in this case. That's assuming you really want to be in the wedding and are willing to make some accomodation, but not enough to get a weave. I think it's fine to bend a little if you're OK with that. I don't think it's fine for your sister to be a tyrant, so she needs to give a little as well. Weddings are NOT all about the bride; if she has a bridal party, then the wedding is about the attendants as well. If you want everyone to look the same, you might as well have manniquins and be done with it. Much less stressful, haha.

    Personally, I think the notion of a perfect wedding is silly. Marriage isn't perfect, so why try to start out as though it's a fairytale? The best weddings I've been to have been much more laid back, and FUN.

    ETA: I did read the blog post. I'm looking for the actual statistics. Didn't see anything specific.
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  • dixygirldixygirl Posts: 279Banned Users
    Mamabolo T, Agyei N, Summers B. Cosmetic and amino acid analysis of the effects of lye and no-lye relaxer treatment on adult black female South African hair. Journal Of Cosmetic Science [serial online]. July 2013;64(4):287-296. Available from: MEDLINE, Ipswich, MA. Accessed April 26, 2014.
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  • wavypenwavypen Posts: 253Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Dixygirl, Africa's a diverse continent, even if South African women relax their hair more than black women outside Africa it doesn't follow that the trend applies to all of Africa. I can't see the article itself, only the abstract, however it doesn't seem to be drawing any broad conclusions based on the abstract, and seems more concerned about about the physical affects of relaxer rather than the sociology and psychology of relaxer use. If the article does give statistics for rates of relaxer use among black women in African compared to black women elsewhere in the world could you please quote that part of the article dixygirl. I googled this and didn't find any information about relaxer use in Africa vs outside Africa that seemed to come from a legitimate or trustworthy source, however I did not spend a lot of time and I do not have access to academic resources. Here is the abstract from the article she cited above.
    Surveys indicate that many South African women use relaxers to straighten their hair for cosmetic reasons, which can damage the hair and scalp. The objective of this study was to assess the effects of treating hair with two types of relaxers: Product A (a lye relaxer, sodium hydroxide base) and Product B (a no-lye relaxer, guanidine hydroxide base). Five adult black female South African subjects were used for the study that was divided into two parts. The first part used a half-head study design in a clinical study in which the researcher and the subjects visually assessed various hair quality parameters before and after relaxer treatment. Product B was assessed to perform better (p = 0.032) than Product A in terms of hair straightening. The second part of the study involved hair amino acid analysis by reversed-phase high performance liquid chromatography. There was a decrease in the amount of cystine [Median (range) g/100 g hair] after treatment with both Product A [7.8 (2.5-9.9), p = 0.086] and Product B [4.0 (2.9-4.8), p = 0.005] compared to before treatment [9.1 (6.4-11.9)]; this decrease was greater (p = 0.085) for Product B. Reduction in cystine content was consistent with increased straightness. Product B (the no-lye relaxer) was found to be more effective and safer to use.

    Also about the OP, weddings are not one woman's day, she's not marrying herself, and by choosing to share the day with others she should be choosing to understand that she cannot to control EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. That said, saltybubblegum if she's someone who you really want to keep a good relationship with, I think a wig styled by her stylist of choice is a good compromise. Depending on the type of wig you may even be able to have it sewn into your hair a little so it stays on more securely without going full-on weave. If she's not someone you care a great deal about and/or have to maintain a good relationship with, perhaps you can decline to be in the wedding party and cite time constraints or costs or something like that to avoid hurt feelings.
  • chupiechupie Posts: 5,280Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    All I know is that would irritate me too.
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  • klloydmajesticklloydmajestic Posts: 183Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I agree with everything wavypen said! Beyond that, I don't know if it will be helpful to you or not saltybubblegum but hopefully sharing my experience might be of some help to you.

    One of my closest friends wanted all her bridesmaids to have the same dress and get their hair done by the same stylist in the same style (which happened to require ringlet curls! Go figure!). She let us all know way ahead of time just like your friend did. I spoke to her of my concerns with heat styling and working with a stylist who fully admitted to not knowing what to do with my "kind" of hair. When I was open and honest with her she was fine with me doing my own hair and we all looked great!

    I'm not sure what I would have done if she hadn't been ok with it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's important to tell your friends how you feel. I hope everything works out!
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  • CurlyInTheFogCurlyInTheFog Posts: 876Registered Users
    wavypen wrote: »
    Dixygirl, Africa's a diverse continent, even if South African women relax their hair more than black women outside Africa it doesn't follow that the trend applies to all of Africa. I can't see the article itself, only the abstract, however it doesn't seem to be drawing any broad conclusions based on the abstract, and seems more concerned about about the physical affects of relaxer rather than the sociology and psychology of relaxer use. If the article does give statistics for rates of relaxer use among black women in African compared to black women elsewhere in the world could you please quote that part of the article dixygirl. I googled this and didn't find any information about relaxer use in Africa vs outside Africa that seemed to come from a legitimate or trustworthy source, however I did not spend a lot of time and I do not have access to academic resources. Here is the abstract from the article she cited above.
    Surveys indicate that many South African women use relaxers to straighten their hair for cosmetic reasons, which can damage the hair and scalp. The objective of this study was to assess the effects of treating hair with two types of relaxers: Product A (a lye relaxer, sodium hydroxide base) and Product B (a no-lye relaxer, guanidine hydroxide base). Five adult black female South African subjects were used for the study that was divided into two parts. The first part used a half-head study design in a clinical study in which the researcher and the subjects visually assessed various hair quality parameters before and after relaxer treatment. Product B was assessed to perform better (p = 0.032) than Product A in terms of hair straightening. The second part of the study involved hair amino acid analysis by reversed-phase high performance liquid chromatography. There was a decrease in the amount of cystine [Median (range) g/100 g hair] after treatment with both Product A [7.8 (2.5-9.9), p = 0.086] and Product B [4.0 (2.9-4.8), p = 0.005] compared to before treatment [9.1 (6.4-11.9)]; this decrease was greater (p = 0.085) for Product B. Reduction in cystine content was consistent with increased straightness. Product B (the no-lye relaxer) was found to be more effective and safer to use.

    Also about the OP, weddings are not one woman's day, she's not marrying herself, and by choosing to share the day with others she should be choosing to understand that she cannot to control EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. That said, saltybubblegum if she's someone who you really want to keep a good relationship with, I think a wig styled by her stylist of choice is a good compromise. Depending on the type of wig you may even be able to have it sewn into your hair a little so it stays on more securely without going full-on weave. If she's not someone you care a great deal about and/or have to maintain a good relationship with, perhaps you can decline to be in the wedding party and cite time constraints or costs or something like that to avoid hurt feelings.

    I didn't have a lot of time, so only read the abstract (I may have access to the actual article through university resources), but agree that stats stating "African women" appear to be examining small populations within a specific geographic area. Not sure how expansive any surveys are. I'm sure the numbers are high, just not so sure that there are any actual, wide-ranging statistics.

    I don't believe that any bride has the right to ask or expect her attendants to toe a specific line in regards to appearance. I don't care what the social norms are.
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  • wavydazewavydaze Posts: 2,065Registered Users Curl Novice
    It seems unreasonable as a request to me, but I'm also outside the customs/culture/place.

    I like the idea of setting your hair on Curlformers and letting her see it and decide if it is acceptable for the hairstyle she wants and/or consulting with her stylist ahead of time.

    I think it's important to communicate that your not wanting to straighten is not some sort of rebellion/resentment towards her, but simply that your natural texture is important to you, and if she could meet you halfway here (curlformers) without adding extra stress to her wedding. The sooner the better so you get it out of the way and there's no last minute surprises. Otherwise I'd go with the wig. Hope this helps!
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  • Lady_CreoleLady_Creole Posts: 400Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    dixygirl wrote: »

    Sad to see either you believe everything you read, your literature is very limited, and/or you only read what validates your narrow view.

    There are people from Africa with 3A type hair...naturally.
    My hair is "exotic, beautiful and free",,,yeah, that be ME!!!
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  • WumiWumi Posts: 185Registered Users
    dixygirl wrote: »
    It is her wedding. You have the right to not be one of the bride's maids if you wish to protest. But SHE is paying for it and it is HER DAY. This is common practice of many women in Africa. They do not understand American women. Bear in mind, many American Black women have naturally looser textures now after generations of interbreeding with Caucasians and Indians. The Nigerians are more consistently 4c which makes the concept of not using a straightener a far more difficult endeavor.

    Wow did I just read that??
    I'm Nigerian-American by the way, Yoruba.
    I've never heard of such foolishness.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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  • BluebloodBlueblood Posts: 1,748Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    @dixygirl Nigeria is one of the many countries in the continent of Africa.

    I have no idea why you are quoting a journal about South African women and then using it to back up your claims on Nigerians who are West Africans. This just shows a lack of basic geographical knowledge.

    You claimed in your post most Nigerians have 4c hair but have no facts to back this up. My issue was this misconception.

    Regardless having hair "done" if you are from most West African countries including Nigeria includes have braided styles. TWAs are also acceptable. Older women definitely do not have a problem with these hair styles. (They may have an issue if your hair isn't short enough for a TWA but it's not braided or straightened.)

    This is because on formal occasions women wear traditional clothes that have head dresses so your hair is not seen. Certain weaves, relaxed and braided styles get in the way of the head dress. It's actually easier to wear one if you have a TWA or have hair you can pull back in one.

    Wearing a wedding dress with bridesmaids is the adoption of Western culture seen in movies.

    Back on topic the friend clearly has an issue with natural textured Afro hair regardless of the poster's curl pattern.
  • BluebloodBlueblood Posts: 1,748Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    @saltybubblegum @wavydaze if a woman turns into a bridezilla you explaining politely something about you is spoiling her wedding day completely.

    The only way to find this out is to talk to her mum and other close female relations first.

    If they have a balanced view of the wedding they will point out to the bride she is being unreasonable about certain things before you approach her.

    Watching grown women having tantrums over invites, flowers, button holes, etc isn't fun.
  • BluebloodBlueblood Posts: 1,748Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    @wumi there are other posters who go around hair boards doing this.

    When you point out they are talking cr** they start talking about other regions in Africa.

    When you point out that's cr** as well they twist your words.
  • saltybubblegumsaltybubblegum Posts: 12Registered Users
    Blueblood wrote: »
    @saltybubblegum @wavydaze if a woman turns into a bridezilla you explaining politely something about you is spoiling her wedding day completely.

    The only way to find this out is to talk to her mum and other close female relations first.

    If they have a balanced view of the wedding they will point out to the bride she is being unreasonable about certain things before you approach her.

    Watching grown women having tantrums over invites, flowers, button holes, etc isn't fun.

    I'm hardly having a tantrum here. Just trying to see how I can be a part of her wedding and follow her wishes without completely compromising myself. I wouldn't talk to her mother because that will make it a bigger issue than it needs to be .
  • saltybubblegumsaltybubblegum Posts: 12Registered Users
    @dixygirl - I'm not sure what point you're making or how it relates to my OP. Being from Nigeria, having travelled to Uganda, Tanzania and South Africa and working for a pan-African publishing company I would agree that my experience has shown relaxers and weaves are popular in many parts of Africa. But you have claimed that it is more so than in other parts of the world without providing any backup for the claim, which I believe is what people here are driving at. Moreover, braided styles with natural hair and TWAs are also popular, including locks. In fact there was a news report some time ago that people were having their locks stolen in some parts of South Africa because the market was becoming popular. Also in each country the weave/relaxer popularity will depend on the region. Lagos doesn't speak for the whole of Nigeria just as SA doesn't speak for the whole of Africa.

    Anyway back to the OP please keep your thoughts coming. It's very helpful!
  • dixygirldixygirl Posts: 279Banned Users
    Thank you OP. My comment about relaxers being more popular in African than here currently was based on anecdotal evidence from my conversations with young Nigerian women who live here in the US now. They expressed to me their dismay about their mothers from Nigeria wanting them to relax their hair always while they wanted to go natural. Their mothers who also live here now all insisted on wearing their hair relaxed and did not approve of the recent trend of American black women who are wearing natural hair. This is just from the group of young Nigerian American women that I know. But they tend to believe that this is a very common experience in the community of Nigerians who have recently immigrated to the US. I am sorry if this anecdotal evidence is not consistent with your experience . This is the information I was given through private conversations. I agree that I should not generalize based on the experiences of a few Nigerian American women even though they tell me this is a rampant experience in their community.

    I do understand how any information I provide will be looked at as suspect due to the fact that I am not of your community. I see that if the Nigerian American girls had said the same things here themselves it would have not been viewed as in any way offensive, rather as their experience.I also understand that there are a lot of sensitivities with regard to hair and that these are the reasons that people do not see things rationally all the time and are easily offended when no offense was intended. There are many old wounds with regard to hair that make people highly sensitive over anything that is said. And depending on who says the same words, they may be perceived entirely differently.

    I was unaware that you currently in Africa. I thought you may have been in the US which is the only reason I tried to compare the experiences. I know that women in the US are currently obsessed with going natural. While I do not get that impression at all from the Nigerian American women I know about how they perceive what is going on back home in Nigeria.

    I hope you can get through the wedding without having a lot of hard feelings toward the bride about her hair preference. If you think it is going to be a problem for you, I honestly think it might be best for you to just protest and not participate. You would not want to ruin the wedding over hair issues and you being upset that you are wearing a hairstyle you do not like. I personally would not do it. If I wanted to wear my hair straight and someone insisted I wear an Afro wig, I would refuse to go period. If you feel this strongly about it, you have a right to refuse to go too!
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  • BluebloodBlueblood Posts: 1,748Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Blueblood wrote: »
    @saltybubblegum @wavydaze if a woman turns into a bridezilla you explaining politely something about you is spoiling her wedding day completely.

    The only way to find this out is to talk to her mum and other close female relations first.

    If they have a balanced view of the wedding they will point out to the bride she is being unreasonable about certain things before you approach her.

    Watching grown women having tantrums over invites, flowers, button holes, etc isn't fun.

    I'm hardly having a tantrum here. Just trying to see how I can be a part of her wedding and follow her wishes without completely compromising myself. I wouldn't talk to her mother because that will make it a bigger issue than it needs to be .

    No not you having the tantrum your friend.

    If it wasn't a big issue then I doubt you would have posted it here.
  • saltybubblegumsaltybubblegum Posts: 12Registered Users
    Blueblood wrote: »
    Blueblood wrote: »
    @saltybubblegum @wavydaze if a woman turns into a bridezilla you explaining politely something about you is spoiling her wedding day completely.

    The only way to find this out is to talk to her mum and other close female relations first.

    If they have a balanced view of the wedding they will point out to the bride she is being unreasonable about certain things before you approach her.

    Watching grown women having tantrums over invites, flowers, button holes, etc isn't fun.

    I'm hardly having a tantrum here. Just trying to see how I can be a part of her wedding and follow her wishes without completely compromising myself. I wouldn't talk to her mother because that will make it a bigger issue than it needs to be .

    No not you having the tantrum your friend.

    If it wasn't a big issue then I doubt you would have posted it here.

    Oh right. Sorry!
  • saltybubblegumsaltybubblegum Posts: 12Registered Users
    dixygirl wrote: »
    Thank you OP. My comment about relaxers being more popular in African than here currently was based on anecdotal evidence from my conversations with young Nigerian women who live here in the US now. They expressed to me their dismay about their mothers from Nigeria wanting them to relax their hair always while they wanted to go natural. Their mothers who also live here now all insisted on wearing their hair relaxed and did not approve of the recent trend of American black women who are wearing natural hair. This is just from the group of young Nigerian American women that I know. But they tend to believe that this is a very common experience in the community of Nigerians who have recently immigrated to the US. I am sorry if this anecdotal evidence is not consistent with your experience . This is the information I was given through private conversations. I agree that I should not generalize based on the experiences of a few Nigerian American women even though they tell me this is a rampant experience in their community.

    I do understand how any information I provide will be looked at as suspect due to the fact that I am not of your community. I see that if the Nigerian American girls had said the same things here themselves it would have not been viewed as in any way offensive, rather as their experience.I also understand that there are a lot of sensitivities with regard to hair and that these are the reasons that people do not see things rationally all the time and are easily offended when no offense was intended. There are many old wounds with regard to hair that make people highly sensitive over anything that is said. And depending on who says the same words, they may be perceived entirely differently.

    I was unaware that you currently in Africa. I thought you may have been in the US which is the only reason I tried to compare the experiences. I know that women in the US are currently obsessed with going natural. While I do not get that impression at all from the Nigerian American women I know about how they perceive what is going on back home in Nigeria.

    I hope you can get through the wedding without having a lot of hard feelings toward the bride about her hair preference. If you think it is going to be a problem for you, I honestly think it might be best for you to just protest and not participate. You would not want to ruin the wedding over hair issues and you being upset that you are wearing a hairstyle you do not like. I personally would not do it. If I wanted to wear my hair straight and someone insisted I wear an Afro wig, I would refuse to go period. If you feel this strongly about it, you have a right to refuse to go too!

    Actually I live in the UK and was born here so I am British-Igbo. But my parents and most other relatives were born in Nigeria so that's how I was raised culturally.

    I hope that it will all work out in the end as well. Thanks.
  • DCWavyLadyDCWavyLady Posts: 373Registered Users
    I admit that I haven't read all of the comments, but you have a bridezilla on your hands. I would have a frank one-on-one conversation with her and tell her you're happy to pull your hair back, but it's insulting to be instructed to straighten it and it hurts your feelings. Her day or not...your friendship and being a bridesmaid to celebrate her wedding should be way more important than how your hair looks.

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