Am I a bad friend?

sKorpio1190

My friend had a baby in September. She's a great mother and I'm happy for her. My issue is that the only time she talks to me is to tell me about the baby. Or send me pictures of him. I'm in law school right now, never even had a boyfriend, so it's very hard for me to relate. Quite frankly, I'm starting to get annoyed. All she does is text me about the baby or send me his pictures. Otherwise I don't hear from her. And now her boyfriend proposed to her and all she talks about is the wedding or the baby. Am I a bad friend? It's getting annoying at this point. She has never once asked me how I'm doing or how school is going. I moved here for school last summer and she's never even seen my apartment. So yea... I'm peeved. Everything is about her baby and now her wedding. I took her out for her birthday last month because she told me how all she does is take care of the baby, only to find out she does go out with other friends, but not me. She used to be a good friend but ever since she met her fiancé 3 years ago she became self absorbed. I feel guilty for being sick of hearing about the baby and her fiancé but I can't help it. I would like to be asked about MY life and how I'm doing. I guess since I don't have a baby or fiancé I'm just not interesting enough to be asked about. Sorry this was so long. I just have been holding this all in because I'm not going to be a jerk and tell her this stuff. Yea her new family is the most important thing in her life right now, but that doesn't mean u stop being a friend.

PerriP

Exhale.
I think it's pretty normal to feel that way.
I also think it's pretty normal that friendships change.
I know mine have and life changes like serious boyfriends, babies, weddings are big turning points.

No, I don't think you are a bad friend. I do think you are expecting too much of yourself by beating yourself up about it. Here's the thing: she's not the friend she was (she might be again one day), it's time for you to make some changes so that you have a stronger support system in place. Otherwise you'll end up feeling like you don't matter over and over again and that's not healthy for you.

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mysterycurls

You aren't a bad friend. If you consider her a friend and want to hang onto that, be patient and maybe distance yourself a little bit. It sounds like she is going through a lot of changes and is adjusting to them herself. Also if you are really good friends, give yourself time to cool off and get perspective and just tell her that you miss her - cause that's what it sounds like. Friends are hard to come by and friendships all go through changes. Above all don't beat yourself up if you drift apart - friendship is a two way street.

sixelamy

I have a friend very similar to that. She does ask questions about my life, but her life is mainly centered around her baby and husband. She rarely wants to hang out, because of her baby. She doesn't like to take him anywhere or get a babysitter (her only babysitter seems to be her parents). It is very normal to feel like you feel. But don't let it get to you too much, as hard as that sounds. Do you try volunteering information about your life, and does she respond? Do you ask her to get together? Do you ask her about her life? It's very easy to feel like you're forgotten about, but when life is newly busy with challenges it's hard to focus on anything else. Like the previous poster said, friendship is a two way street - and you can't make people be the friend that you want them to be. It takes work sometimes to be friends as we get older and have new additions to our lives and families.

curlypearl

sKorpio, first of all, you are not a bad friend at all. I can totally relate to what you wrote.

Is it possible to kind of turn the tables on her? Just start texting her about your life (never mind that she hasn't asked) and telling her about what you are doing? Don't respond to her texts except with news of your own.

There is such enormous pressure on women to be married, have babies, etc., that when someone goes on about it endlessly, if it hasn't happened to you, it can be hard to take.

brittbreezy

sKorpio1190 wrote: »

My friend had a baby in September. She's a great mother and I'm happy for her. My issue is that the only time she talks to me is to tell me about the baby. Or send me pictures of him. I'm in law school right now, never even had a boyfriend, so it's very hard for me to relate. Quite frankly, I'm starting to get annoyed. All she does is text me about the baby or send me his pictures. Otherwise I don't hear from her. And now her boyfriend proposed to her and all she talks about is the wedding or the baby. Am I a bad friend? It's getting annoying at this point. She has never once asked me how I'm doing or how school is going. I moved here for school last summer and she's never even seen my apartment. So yea... I'm peeved. Everything is about her baby and now her wedding. I took her out for her birthday last month because she told me how all she does is take care of the baby, only to find out she does go out with other friends, but not me. She used to be a good friend but ever since she met her fiancé 3 years ago she became self absorbed. I feel guilty for being sick of hearing about the baby and her fiancé but I can't help it. I would like to be asked about MY life and how I'm doing. I guess since I don't have a baby or fiancé I'm just not interesting enough to be asked about. Sorry this was so long. I just have been holding this all in because I'm not going to be a jerk and tell her this stuff. Yea her new family is the most important thing in her life right now, but that doesn't mean u stop being a friend.

From experience I know ppl with babies all they do is talk about thier babies lmao and is annoying but I guess it's like they can't help it.

But I never experienced it to your degree like my friend and still likes to talk about our outside life a gossip so she does seem self absorbed.

And if she's having a wedding she's probably gonna be mad annoying I'm telling you now. If you have another friend just chill with them more often to just get away from that.

Also ask yourself was she always self-absorbed before the baby & fiancé if so fall back from her if not keep her around she's just overly giddy

multicultcurly

I agree with Perri and the other posters. She sounds like her life is changing rapidly, and she is trying to keep up with it. If she never wants to hear about your life, then she may not be a great friend anymore, and I would advise making new friends who want to be there for you.

I have been that self absorbed friend who could only talk about my horrible work situations. However, I remembered to ask about my friends, but I know I had to annoy them at times.

I do have a friend who is in a different life stage than me and we can't relate to each other much, although we are the same age. We have been friends for so long, that we find ways to support each other. She is a little self absorbed, but she is always there when I need someone to listen.

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Fifi.G

I agree with Perri, too. You are not a bad friend. I have gone through similar experiences numerous times. The moment that baby is born, it becomes life itself. That is perfectly natural for her. I have had friends try to fight it and be that woman who is not all baby, 24-7, because they went through that with a friend and it still didn't work. Then you get numerous awkward silences and several, "you wouldn't understand(s)". That bothers me more but it honestly can't be helped. It's an adjustment period, and you really do have to accept that the friendship will never quite be the same. Both of you do, and you have to make changes & get used to the new addition. Eventually her brain will come back to other things (bless their hearts. it really is out the window).

Fifi.G

^ With all that said, I love my friends kids and I would rip someones head off if they tried to hurt them. They are like family to me, which makes me want to kill them at times too *Especially now that we are entering the very ugly part of the teenage years with 4 of them.

multicultcurly

@Fifi - I sometimes wonder if this baby obsessed/married obsessed phase is cultural/generational/personality based because my family isn't like that. If you live long enough, you will get married and/or have a child. Nothing unusual about that. It just seems that now many women who are mothers have nothing else to their identity besides being a mom. Maybe that is where the obsession comes in? It just seems like there was a cultural shift to this way of thinking in the early 2000s.

My friend who is my age who is divorced and has a 3 year old was never like this. I think she talks to me a lot about her kid because I am her bff, and I am a kid person, though I have no kids. My friend tried to be a SAHM for 1.5 years and she hated the mommy groups because she said most of the women had no other interests besides their kids, which bored her. She now works, though I think she would be happier working part-time so she could be home with her kid the rest of the time.

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Fifi.G

I don't know. It very well may be. I noticed a large difference in my friends who had multiple kids. They were not quite as focused and all obsessed withe second or third. They had calmed down, relaxed, and gotten a little more comfortable with it. I also never had to go through the marriage thing. One of my friends lived with the father of her children for 13 years. She thought he would propose when she became pregnant with her first. He did not. He waited several years and she refused to accept. She was over it. lol. Good thing too. She did work, full time doing 12 hours shifts at all times other than maternity leave so most of her free time was all about baby.
The others also worked full time. One was kicked out by her husband when she was 8 months pregnant and she had 2 kids with another guy she married but she was not husband obsessed. Just busy and preoccupied with baby. Neither are mommy board type people. They don't have time for that. It's just always where the conversations went when they had time to talk.

ETA: And thank the lord social media was not around to the extent it is now when either had their first kids. Both the women I am talking about work in the medical field so they are not all consumed by bodily functions, and they would not even think to tell the world about it. Now, dealing with kids drama on social media is a new one for me and one that drives me crazy. This one is professing her love every 2 seconds. That one is talking about smoking pot and getting drunk. They are giving me a nervous breakdown.

sKorpio1190

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all of your input. I have texted her about things going on in my life but I usually get a one or two word response. When I talk about school, which is the biggest thing in my life now seeing as my life revolves around it as does hers around her baby, she just turns it around and makes it about how "hard" she has it in her school. Then she complains about how she's the smartest person in her class and hates her teachers because they don't know as much as her -___- at this point I am just distancing myself. She has changed and she had every right to, but don't expect me to stick around for it either. I've seen this change for a whole now, so it's no shock, just annoying. Right now I'm just keeping to myself. I don't talk to anyone because I keep finding that people are fake. Not everyone of course but the people I meet. Thanks again for listening to my rant

sKorpio1190

To be honest I'm also annoyed because she has become a hypocrite IMO. She used to rag on girls, myself included, for being hung up on guys and being stupid enough to get all worked up over them. She always claimed to be ms independent and that she didn't need a man and would never become an emotional girl that let's a guy take over her life. Then she meets her fiancé and is that exact girl. She cooks for him daily and feels guilty when she doesn't. She cries if she leaves him for more than a few days to go see her family. She got pregnant less than a year after living with him and less than 6 months after having a miscarriage... But of course it's all the OTHER girls who get pregnant "by accident" that are stupid but never her. And of course she claims she didn't want to have a baby but "it just happened." You don't just accidentally get pregnant! And don't tell me you didn't know better because u had a miscarriage just a few months prior so u obviously know what u were doing! Even now she says she won't make him wear a condom because she feels bad for him since he hasn't had to in over a year... But then she complains about birth control prices. WTF! She's always the exception to the rule. She even said girls who start sleeping with guys right away are hoes BUT it's ok that I did it because we're engaged now....really?? C'mon man everything she used to make fun of she has now become but of course she doesn't see it. So yea, I am upset about that and that she always called me stupid when I would cry over a guy... But hey.. It's ALL different when she does it right?

Fifi.G

So it's more than the baby thing. Gotcha. That happens too: i grew apart from several friends over the years. Everyone changes. You have moments at different ages where your wants and needs change. Things you claimed before no longer apply. In all fairness, it doesn't always mean the person is a hypocrite. And in all honesty, that doesn't mean they are not annoying.

I have met people who devalue anything and everything about your life after they find the one and have a baby. If you are a single woman with no children, your life is absolutely nothing compared to theirs. I've mainly came across it in co workers who have flat out said it. Being on different paths does not devalue anything and it is rather balloon headed for people to feel that way.

PerriP

To add to what Fifi said, I've found when this happens, you're not going to change them. So either meet them where they are or move on. No sense getting all worked up on a regular basis

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sixelamy

sKorpio1190 wrote: »

To be honest I'm also annoyed because she has become a hypocrite IMO. She used to rag on girls, myself included, for being hung up on guys and being stupid enough to get all worked up over them. She always claimed to be ms independent and that she didn't need a man and would never become an emotional girl that let's a guy take over her life. Then she meets her fiancé and is that exact girl. She cooks for him daily and feels guilty when she doesn't. She cries if she leaves him for more than a few days to go see her family. She got pregnant less than a year after living with him and less than 6 months after having a miscarriage... But of course it's all the OTHER girls who get pregnant "by accident" that are stupid but never her. And of course she claims she didn't want to have a baby but "it just happened." You don't just accidentally get pregnant! And don't tell me you didn't know better because u had a miscarriage just a few months prior so u obviously know what u were doing! Even now she says she won't make him wear a condom because she feels bad for him since he hasn't had to in over a year... But then she complains about birth control prices. WTF! She's always the exception to the rule. She even said girls who start sleeping with guys right away are hoes BUT it's ok that I did it because we're engaged now....really?? C'mon man everything she used to make fun of she has now become but of course she doesn't see it. So yea, I am upset about that and that she always called me stupid when I would cry over a guy... But hey.. It's ALL different when she does it right?

I get my birth control for free now, so I'm not sure what she is talking about.

People like this tend to 'be' that girl. It's like they pick apart parts of other women, because it's what they don't like about themselves. From what you are saying, she really doesn't sound like a happy person. I have a "friend" who isn't happy, and the whole world revolves around her alllll the time. It's just what these people do.

I agree, a lot of people are fake, I mostly keep to myself as well, because it doesn't seem I can count on many people anymore. But the ones that you can, hold on for dear life. Sounds like you are a bit ready to move on, and I don't blame you.

sKorpio1190

Yea Six, most of me has moved at this point. Such a shame. I hate to lose a friend but I have at this point. I'm used to being alone anyway. But it does get lonely sometimes... If that makes sense? I mean I like being left alone but I would like some people to talk to once in a while. I haven't made any genuine friends at school so it doesn't help either. Oh well

Blueblood

Fifi.G wrote: »

I have met people who devalue anything and everything about your life after they find the one and have a baby. If you are a single woman with no children, your life is absolutely nothing compared to theirs. I've mainly came across it in co workers who have flat out said it. Being on different paths does not devalue anything and it is rather balloon headed for people to feel that way.

I agree 100%.

Unfortunately some people lack empathy and the understanding that peoples lives are different.

A lot of people - I've had this from men as well - don't realise there are other experiences apart from having a child which force you to grow up.

I'm glad everyday for being lucky enough to know some of the friends I met after 25.

Fifi.G

Blueblood wrote: »

Fifi.G wrote: »

I have met people who devalue anything and everything about your life after they find the one and have a baby. If you are a single woman with no children, your life is absolutely nothing compared to theirs. I've mainly came across it in co workers who have flat out said it. Being on different paths does not devalue anything and it is rather balloon headed for people to feel that way.

I agree 100%.

Unfortunately some people lack empathy and the understanding that peoples lives are different.

A lot of people - I've had this from men as well - don't realise there are other experiences apart from having a child which force you to grow up.

I'm glad everyday for being lucky enough to know some of the friends I met after 25.

I feel incredibly lucky to have my best friend (even though we have our moments but who has not in 20+ years?), and a few other incredibly good friends that I met between the ages of 4 and 17. It's the type of situation where you are beyond the friendship level. You could go a year without talking to each other, and fall right back in. With the way people have move around that is sometimes the case. Regardless, they are there if ever needed. Numerous others will come and go. That is a very natural part of it. The ones that stay are very special.

sKorpio1190

I wish I had some people like that in my life

Josephine

No, it sounds like you guys have just grown apart. She's self absorbed, negative(by talking about others) and sounds boring so it's natural. It happens. I've grown apart from some friends but they are still in my life, just not in the same way. It's sad at first because you don't share your day to day or even month to month life with them but you see them on bdays and other occasions and catch up then and it's fine.

We had a friend who was like that after she had a baby. I wasn't too close to her but our other friend was and she was so upset by it. As far as mothers go, I know a couple that don't seem to have much interest in anything other than their kids but they still pretend to care about your life which is nice I suppose and they are nice enough to not talk about their kids a lot with me but they are not that interesting to me since we don't have much to talk about.

Fifi.G

sKorpio1190 wrote: »

I wish I had some people like that in my life

You will. People meet at different times. I was lucky to meet some good ones when I was a peanut. Most have moved away and came back, more than once, due to jobs. I also lost some people I thought would be in my life forever. My best friend k-12 is a prime example. I did not like the person she became in adulthood.

I hardly have any friends that I met after 25, and lost the over all majority that I met in high school or college. Everyone grew apart, in every sense.

ETA: It doesn't make you feel great to lose a friend, just don't let it make you feel like a bad person. The old saying that people come and go is 300% true of the majority you meet, at one time or another.

sKorpio1190

Thanks fifi and Josephine. Yea, we have grown apart. Our lives have taken completely different routes. I can't be angry about someone living their own life of course, I just wish they would open their eyes to the things they are doing vs the things they are saying. It bothers me when someone has all these judgments against others who do the same thing that person is doing. I'm glad she likes being a mother so much, I am. But please, stop sending me baby pictures on a daily basis -__- imagine me sending her pictures of school everyday. Here's a textbook! Here's a chair! Here's a professor! Here's me contemplating murdering my con law professor!

DaniGirl88

I feel like you are speaking to my soul.

I had a friend like that. Only, he was male! I really tried to be there for him, as we were friends since sixth grade. But, I realized that he was really self absorbed and selfish. He never wanted to come hang out when he was feeling bad about his life, even if it was to celebrate something good in mine. I thought he was just suffering from depression, but he really fell into this woe is me kind of lifestyle. It was really sad to watch. I was going through a tough time with a loved one and really needed to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer his phone because he didn't feel like talking (his girlfriend broke up with him). When everything was good in his life though, he would call me nonstop to talk about it. I was there for him though. Until one day he decided I was a horrible person and friend and didn't deserve his friendship any more. At first, I was extremely upset because we had been friends so long. Even my husband didn't understand it. Then, I realized it was his current girlfriend talking and that he was taking her side. I quickly realized that I didn't need that kind of friend in my life. So much drama and not enough friendship. If that makes sense.

I realized that some friends will be with you all of your life, while others will slowly fade away. I never though he'd be one of those that faded, but now that I look back on it, the friendship was toxic. I felt used and abused after reflecting on it.

sKorpio1190

DaniGirl88 wrote: »

I feel like you are speaking to my soul.

I had a friend like that. Only, he was male! I really tried to be there for him, as we were friends since sixth grade. But, I realized that he was really self absorbed and selfish. He never wanted to come hang out when he was feeling bad about his life, even if it was to celebrate something good in mine. I thought he was just suffering from depression, but he really fell into this woe is me kind of lifestyle. It was really sad to watch. I was going through a tough time with a loved one and really needed to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer his phone because he didn't feel like talking (his girlfriend broke up with him). When everything was good in his life though, he would call me nonstop to talk about it. I was there for him though. Until one day he decided I was a horrible person and friend and didn't deserve his friendship any more. At first, I was extremely upset because we had been friends so long. Even my husband didn't understand it. Then, I realized it was his current girlfriend talking and that he was taking her side. I quickly realized that I didn't need that kind of friend in my life. So much drama and not enough friendship. If that makes sense.

I realized that some friends will be with you all of your life, while others will slowly fade away. I never though he'd be one of those that faded, but now that I look back on it, the friendship was toxic. I felt used and abused after reflecting on it.

Dani - I know how you feel. I've had friends like that. They pretend to be a friend but they're not. She really has become self absorbed. All she cares to talk about is her life, her baby, and her bf. I don't consider her a friend at this point. And yet she doesn't even realize I don't because she's never around anyway. Sorry to hear that happened to you

DaniGirl88

sKorpio1190 wrote: »

DaniGirl88 wrote: »

I feel like you are speaking to my soul.

I had a friend like that. Only, he was male! I really tried to be there for him, as we were friends since sixth grade. But, I realized that he was really self absorbed and selfish. He never wanted to come hang out when he was feeling bad about his life, even if it was to celebrate something good in mine. I thought he was just suffering from depression, but he really fell into this woe is me kind of lifestyle. It was really sad to watch. I was going through a tough time with a loved one and really needed to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer his phone because he didn't feel like talking (his girlfriend broke up with him). When everything was good in his life though, he would call me nonstop to talk about it. I was there for him though. Until one day he decided I was a horrible person and friend and didn't deserve his friendship any more. At first, I was extremely upset because we had been friends so long. Even my husband didn't understand it. Then, I realized it was his current girlfriend talking and that he was taking her side. I quickly realized that I didn't need that kind of friend in my life. So much drama and not enough friendship. If that makes sense.

I realized that some friends will be with you all of your life, while others will slowly fade away. I never though he'd be one of those that faded, but now that I look back on it, the friendship was toxic. I felt used and abused after reflecting on it.

Dani - I know how you feel. I've had friends like that. They pretend to be a friend but they're not. She really has become self absorbed. All she cares to talk about is her life, her baby, and her bf. I don't consider her a friend at this point. And yet she doesn't even realize I don't because she's never around anyway. Sorry to hear that happened to you

Thanks! Sorry to hear you have to go through it as well. Friendships can be tough.