Boundaries in families....

koolkurl

I have a family member that is about to make a bad decision. It could have negative financial and psychological consequences. Basically, a family member is what I would say a moderate hoarder and they are about to buy a house so they have more room for their many belongings. They also are thrifty and found an inexpensive house (and they expect to make a huge profit on it) but it is in a designated flood zone. I expect if they move there the hoarding will get worse and they will not be able to sell the house when they want to move one day because of the flooding and insurance needed for it. They are angry by my mentioning these things and are telling me to stay out of it. I guess I need to as it is their decision not mine. Was I wrong to say anything? Now they are angry at me...over a darn house they blew up at me and they have never done that before, geez.

spiderlashes5000

koolkurl wrote: »

I have a family member that is about to make a bad decision. It could have negative financial and psychological consequences. Basically, a family member is what I would say a moderate hoarder and they are about to buy a house so they have more room for their many belongings. They also are thrifty and found an inexpensive house (and they expect to make a huge profit on it) but it is in a designated flood zone. I expect if they move there the hoarding will get worse and they will not be able to sell the house when they want to move one day because of the flooding and insurance needed for it. They are angry by my mentioning these things and are telling me to stay out of it. I guess I need to as it is their decision not mine. Was I wrong to say anything? Now they are angry at me...over a darn house they blew up at me and they have never done that before, geez.

Do you know what letter designation the flood zone has? Bc just saying "flood zone" doesn't mean anything. I just say that bc maybe your relative has looked in to this more closely than you realize and is OK with the level of risk he/she would incur.

I think it's kind of you to care! (about the potential flooding situation). But some ppl are very sensitive and think others are putting them down when that actually isn't the case. That's unfortunate for you but it happens.

But ehhhhhh, it could be very dicey trying to talk to someone about being a hoarder (if you mentioned that part). I probably wouldn't have gone there. I mean, the person is gonna hoard whether it's in a one room apt or a 10,000 sq foot mansion. Probably not really germane to whether or not he/she buys the house.

Every family is different tho regarding boundaries. Personally, yes, I would want you to tell me if you thought a house I was considering buying was unsafe. But I probably would not want you talking about my housekeeping and/or emotional problems.

PerriP

I think that in most cases, people want other people to just be happy for them when they have good news to share. "I am buying a new house!!" yippieeee

but when things are of concern, i think that people need to hear that but from a place of love - i.e. "i'm so happy you've decided to buy a new house, i know you've been thinking about that for awhile. I'm a little concerned that it's in a flood plain, though, and it could really have an effect on resale value - did you talk to the (whoever you talk to about that??) about how this may impact things in the future?" "will your insurance go up drastically? bc if yes, consider that, too"

most times, they dont' want to hear "you have too much carp and it's getting worse, and it will get worse in a larger house"

(I can relate to this, my mom has a small issue with this, but it's getting worse and we fight about it, but I keep pushing because I'm afraid of what it would look like if I didn't say anything to her)

I think your intentions were in the right place. I think the person heard you attacking something they are probably already sensitive about - hence the reaction you got

CGNYC

If people tell you they don't want your opinion or their body language is screaming SHUT UP then by all means, back off. You are almost certainly not telling them something they don't already know or haven't already heard. If they are hoarders, they are hoarders and your telling them it's wrong to be a hoarder is not going to shake them out of their hoarding ways.

koolkurl

Thanks for all your responses. I don't think they want to hear anything negative about the house (or even investigate it) and certainly not that they have too much stuff. I put the info out for them and now I guess they will just do what they want to do.

Lotsawaves

They are adults and make their own decisions. May not be what you would do, but unless they ask you for your opinion I think you should just butt out. Doesn't matter that they are family or friends. We all have to make our own decisions and make our own mistakes. Also doesn't mean you have to be there to pick up the pieces when they mess up.

I really hate it when I make a decision to do something and I start hearing negative things when I didn't even ask for an opinion. I'm just sharing info not looking for advice.

cympreni

IMO there are things that adults should just know better than to do. If they don't, then they usually don't want to hear it. Sometimes people need to make their own mistakes and learn the hard way.

If you can not resist saying something: I find it easier if you make it seem like you're not talking about them. Like you could say you just solved one of your own problems and just want to share your happiness. For example, if you have to deal with a person who always has money problems because they live beyond their means. Bring up a good deal you found on something they pay too much for. like hey, "I found a great new phone service" or "I hear good things about this (cheaper product). I'm thinking about trying it."

It's very important to not overdo it. It must sound like casual conversation. If you pique their interest talk more about it, if not let the conversation move on naturally. The idea is just to plant a seed so they might think a little more about about their choices. Don't make up lies that will come out. Just learn how to phrase things so they're encouraging better things without sounding judgey.

Blueblood

To be fair you can't tell people who hoard however much or little they hoard they need to chuck their stuff away - it's a psychological problem which even the people who live with them will recognise how bad it is and chuck stuff away secretly.

However in regards to the flooding you can tell people who are purchasing a property if you are tactful that you have heard the area is on a flood plain and have they checked?

They will either laugh at you, or tell you the risk of flooding, or tell you where the flooding occurs.