CurlTalk

my life is awful

humanityruleshumanityrules Posts: 10Registered Users
Hello all.

I found this website after an online" friend" on another forum recommended that I come here to "talk". so here is my story...

Early 30's here. Spent all of my 20's working like a dog, taking care of my mother, and going to school at night. All work and no play.
Mom has recently passed after a long battle with cancer. And here I sit, all alone. Not a single friend. Never had a bf longer than 6 months. Extremely lonely. The last person who called me was my mom ( 3 weeks ago, just before her death).

Why no friends? Well, I am a very honest and somewhat serious person. The women who were in my classes - both is HS and college- were just too goofy for me. I now work as a RN and my coworkers all have husbands and kids. I have nothing in common with them. I've been to office get-togethers, but when the party is over, we all go our own way. No time to form a friendship with them because they are all VERY family focused. I highly doubt if any of them have true friends outside of their marriage because of how focused they are on their kids. I've tried to befriend them, but it just isn't happening.

Volunteer work? Yes. I volunteer at a pet shelter. I have "friends" there, but we don't hangout outside of the shop. Why? well, they have to go to their kids basketball games, meet the hubby for lunch, etc. Very busy.

Why no bf? Oh, I've tried. I always get stuck with the duds. My last bf and I got along sooo well, but then the red flags started to pop up after 6 months. He has 150K in Student loan debt, dropping the F bomb at me on occasion.

My mom and I were definitely codependent on one another. She didn't have any family, only me. And I only had her. I am independent, have my own house, car, etc. But I'm so lonely and lethargic. I miss her so much.

I"m not suicidal, but I sure do miss my mom. Any advice much apperciated.

Comments

  • B-wavyB-wavy Posts: 1,733Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    humanity, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've been making some efforts to get yourself out there, and that's great. Sometimes when we've spent so much of our lives taking care of others, we can kind of "lose" ourselves. Spend some time doing things that you really like and want to do, and the rest will fall into place. (((hugs)))
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    You have a good career, own your home and car, so the hard part is behind you. You've worked hard for all of that. Now, it's time to have a social life. Volunteering is great and can give you a sense of well being, but you also need to get out and meet people and have fun.

    I was in this boat and decided that if I didn't make the effort to go out by myself I'd be sitting at home every weekend watching reruns on TV. It's hard to make that 1st step, but it's worth it. I would go out to dinner by myself, dancing, having drinks. I met a lot of people, especially men. I'm engaged now, so I don't go out alone anymore, but I'm glad I made that effort.

    You need to get into the me mode. Join an exercise class, get a mani/pedi, buy some new going out clothes. Have fun. You've earned it! gl....
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • humanityruleshumanityrules Posts: 10Registered Users
    For the record, I am pretty fashionable. I wear the latest styles that compliment my decent figure. I get manicures and pedicures. I wear makeup and style my hair. I go by myself to coffee shops, Paneras, etc on a daily basis. Go on vacation by myself, Not into clubbing or the bar scene. I meet people and we have fun in the moment. But it all ends there.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    So sorry to hear that you lost your mom. ((HUGS)) I guess it's expected you will be very sad for a while.

    When you feel ready, I think you should join a dating site (or two), try speed dating and just ask a female colleague to get some lunch lunch or strike up a conversation w/ one about a movie or some event in your city and ask her to go w/ you. Or if anyone inquires as to your wellbeing (following your mother's death), don't feel shy about saying that you are feeling blue would love to get out of the house and do something but don't have anyone to ask.

    If you are a person of faith, maybe try joining a group at your place of worship.

    If you like dogs, maybe get one and take it for a walk at a park where lots of other dogs go. (When I had a dog, I would meet soooooooooo many other dog owners on the Oval of the big university nearby and at various parks.)

    Maybe sign up for a "fun" class like cooking, scarf tying, massage, pottery and make a special effort to be chatty w/ the other students.

    I'm a single mom w/ kids in various activities, I work and I run my own business; I am extremely busy. I have very little free time but I definitely squeeze in time for friends and a SO. Don't assume just bc we are busy, we aren't interested in friendship. Sometimes that might mean you need to tag along to a soccer game or shoot the breeze while we cook dinner, however...

    Where do you live? Maybe there are boardies here in your city?

  • humanityruleshumanityrules Posts: 10Registered Users
    Thank u very much. My mom is probably rolling in her grave, worried about me. She passed away in Hospice with me at her bedside. I had a dream the night that she passed. In my dream, she told me she just wants me to be happy. I then woke up at that moment - the nurses woke me up to tell me she now had agonal breathing. I gave her a kiss on the head and she died soonafter.

    I go back to work on Monday. I have received cards and flowers from my coworkers. I didn't hold a funeral for her, mom didn't want a funeral. I'm so scared that I'm going to die from a broken heart. I want to live a fun life, but the hard part for me is making friends.

    I do think there are a lot of people who are leery of women and men who are in their 30's + who have never been married or have at least 1 kid. I get questioned alot at work with, "why haven't you been married yet"? And one day I heard my coworkers talk about a nurse who floated to our area, saying, "There is a reason why she is 35 and never been married and doesn't have kids."
  • chupiechupie Posts: 5,270Registered Users Curl Neophyte
  • B-wavyB-wavy Posts: 1,733Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    humanity, please give yourself a break - three weeks isn't a very long time, especially in the loss of a parent and one who was ill for so long. Be kind to yourself, all of this will take time and everyone is different. I lost both of my parents in 2011. We didn't have the closest of relationships, but it was still extremely difficult for me, and I am just now beginning to feel like I'm getting back to myself. Sometimes when we try so hard to make something happen, it can almost have the reverse effect. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to make friends, but I'm thinking you need to focus on yourself, emotionally and spiritually, to replenish what you gave to your mother all those years. And in the meantime, you can make some friends here until you make some in real life. We're a pretty good group.
  • humanityruleshumanityrules Posts: 10Registered Users
    Thank u. I know this is going to take time. I will always miss her until the day I die. But it would be so nice to go have a glass of wine with someone to let it all out.

    I thought that working in my yard would help, but now I'm avoiding yardwork because the old couple next door is extremely nosey and everytime I go outside, they come over and want to pry in my business about a certain tree in my yard that they want me to get cut down. They came up to me the other day and told me that they had estimates for getting their trees cut, and then they asked the guy how much he would charge me to cut down one of my trees. And then they handed me the estimate. WTH. I can't even enjoy my own house.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Thank u. I know this is going to take time. I will always miss her until the day I die. But it would be so nice to go have a glass of wine with someone to let it all out.

    I thought that working in my yard would help, but now I'm avoiding yardwork because the old couple next door is extremely nosey and everytime I go outside, they come over and want to pry in my business about a certain tree in my yard that they want me to get cut down. They came up to me the other day and told me that they had estimates for getting their trees cut, and then they asked the guy how much he would charge me to cut down one of my trees. And then they handed me the estimate. WTH. I can't even enjoy my own house.


    OMG do they know you just buried your mother!?

    If any part of the tree or branches or roots encroach onto their property or if the leaves fall on their property, they can trim it down and send you the bill (as long as they notify you first). Or if the tree or its roots or leaves damage their property, they can sue you. I would tell them your mother just died and you will be willing to negotiate it in a month, or I would send them a certified letter to that effect, depending on their tone or the seriousness of the damage the tree is causing.

  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 11,970Registered Users Curl Novice
    Humanity, while you are grieving and venturing into a more social lifestyle, maybe try joining a support group for people who have lost their parents or find a sympathetic counselor to talk with. You may not be really ready to make friends yet because you are suffering so much and unless someone already knows you well, they may shy away from that at first.

    Many good suggestions from our group - hope some of them work for you. {{{humanity}}}.
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm sorry about your mom.

    I think you should find a therapist to talk to. A good one will be able to help you get through the grieving process and work with you on the steps to take so you can make friends and enjoy life more. I think the fact that you want to make friends and feel better is a good sign.

    I'd probably hold off on trying to date anyone for right now. Give yourself some time to get things back on track and focus on making yourself feel better, rather than finding another person right now. If you're unhappy, a potential boyfriend will pick up on that.
    When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?

    Don Langrick
    Bonsai Culturist
  • DedachanDedachan Posts: 1,644Registered Users
    I've had moments when I felt all alone, without friends, also approaching my 30's. It doesn't mean new friends won't come along.

    But by all means, allow yourself to grieve and seek out whatever form of support you think might help you, as others have pointed out.

    (((hugs)))
  • CurlyInTheFogCurlyInTheFog Posts: 876Registered Users
    Hospice should be able to connect you with a grief support group. Until you are done grieving the loss of your mother, it will be hard for you to move into this new stage of your life. The people in the support group will understand what you are going through (some may be in the same situation), and talking about it will help you to feel better and make some decisions on where you want to go from here. Losing a parent is a major life stressor, especially when you've been so close. Be easy on yourself, and give yourself some time for things to get better.
    3a/b, F, normal porosity

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  • SpiderSpider Posts: 3,380Registered Users
    Fwiw, I took care of both my parents as a single mom for several years. After my parents were gone and I felt ready to focus a bit more to have a "normal" adult life, I found very few outlets to meet friends & potential relationship material. I did do the online thing (Match) and met my husband after trial and error. It wasn't always fun but it got me out there and over my nerves and reservations.

    Longer story short, I met my husband, "knew" he was the one and we married a year later. That was almost 10 years and 2 kids ago :)
    Don't let your heart be broken. Let it love.
  • humanityruleshumanityrules Posts: 10Registered Users
    thank u everyone for taking the time to respond. I went to my mom's grave today and I feel better. I "told" her that I will get out of this funk. When I got home, I called Hospice and unfortunately, they do not have support groups for losing a parent. Only groups for losing a spouse and child. I did get on Meetup and found a group that meets monthly, so I'll go to that next week. Hopefull ythat will help me meet people who are also in the same boat.

    I also plan on joining a Yoga class to clear my head. When I'm emotionally stable, I will join Match.com. I realized today that I am not in any position to date. Maybe By Fall. I meandered thru some of the Match.com profiles and none of the profiles excite me anyway.

    Going to take the dog for a walk and play with him all weekend. Thank you for all your kind words and support. I never thought I would find support from a hair board, lol.
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 11,970Registered Users Curl Novice
    There are many on this board who have dogs. Check out the "cute pet pics" thread.

    I hope you stay connected with us. Even if you don't have curly hair (LOL).

    Take care of yourself. I'm glad you reached out to us.

    :hello2:
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • CurlyInTheFogCurlyInTheFog Posts: 876Registered Users
    Oops, I meant to say earlier how sorry I am for the loss of your mother. It's too bad that hospice doesn't have a group for those who have lost a parent (that's just as important as a spouse or child, I think), but I hope the meetup group works out.

    I also wanted to say that it takes at least six months after a death like this for you to start recovering. You'll be forgetful. You'll feel like you're in a daze, indecisive, confused. It's all normal. After my brother died sometimes I felt like my brains were falling out of my ears, because I couldn't remember a darn thing. I think the hardest part is feeling like the world is moving on while you're stuck--and people do expect you to move on, sometimes before you're ready. So take all the time you need, but know that it will get better in time.

    I know there's a "hugs" smilie somewhere, but for the life of me I can't find it, so (((hugs))).
    3a/b, F, normal porosity

    Suave conditioner, LAL gel
  • noritaarfnoritaarf Posts: 15Registered Users
    Humanity, I am a single 44yr old with no kids. I suggest you find a crossfit gym in your town and sign up for the introductory class. Crossfit is very much a family/community type environment. Positive and friendly. I bet you will make friends there!
  • SpiderSpider Posts: 3,380Registered Users
    noritaarf wrote: »
    Humanity, I am a single 44yr old with no kids. I suggest you find a crossfit gym in your town and sign up for the introductory class. Crossfit is very much a family/community type environment. Positive and friendly. I bet you will make friends there!

    Great suggestion. My husband has been a Crossfit gym owner since '06 and over the years we've met hundreds of amazing, interesting and fun people- some have become close friends with us and other members ( my niece met & married her DH through our gym !)

    If you need help finding a place or have other questions , pm me- glad to help
    Don't let your heart be broken. Let it love.
  • lucyprimroselucyprimrose Posts: 166Registered Users
    I am so sorry for your loss. I understand why you feel anxiety and discontent with your life, but also you are still in the first stages of shock and grief. I am sure there will be ups and downs to come. It must be hard feeling alone going through this, it is one of the hardest things any of us ever do.

    It sounds to me like you are a strong person. And so much of the foundation for a good future is there, being independent and having your home and job are huge things to be happy for. You should feel so proud too of the care and love you gave your mom. I am sure losing her will focus many of your fears about your life and suddenly feeling alone, but though there are things missing for you, it seems like many things are there too. Give yourself some time, and I really think the rest will happen for you. Hugs to you.. and I am glad you felt better visiting your mom's grave, her love for you is not gone, it is still with you forever.
    UK based wavy :hello2:

    Mostly waves, but curls and straight bits too!
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  • asugirlasugirl Posts: 937Registered Users
    I agree with B-wavy - please give yourself a break. Taking care of a sick or aging parent is tough, especially while working full time or taking care of your own family. I am doing that right now for my mom who's in a nursing facility. It takes a lot of emotional and physical energy. You are the boss of how your life goes. There are really no rules - you decide. There is definately something to be said for being able to do what you want, when you want. I love my family very much, but sometimes I wouldn't mind being alone for awhile. You will know when it's time to change things. I am sorry about your mom, but I am sure she appreciated your being with her every step of the way.

    2c/3a - fine - medium porosity & density
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    First, the type of friendship where you can have a glass of wine and let it all out takes time. As someone else suggested, a support group and/or a good counselor could be a great help. Take all the time you need to deal with the grief and loss.

    Second, it sounds like you do a great job at getting out of the house and meeting people. I feel like a lot of people think that's the only challenge, but I agree with you that that's not the hard part! You need to work on taking it to the next step. Ask people you've had a nice conversation with if they go to that place/class regularly, and casually suggest meeting them there or at least seeing them again there. The next time, ask to exchange numbers and then ask them out for coffee/wine or at least just to plan to meet for the same class/activity again. True, some people will not be interested. But a lot will! A lot of women in their30s find themselves wanting new friends, because their old ones moved away or had kids.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • poisonivypoisonivy Posts: 1,551Registered Users
    I don't have much to add I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. The first year after any kind of loss that major is usually pretty hard. It will get easier. God bless.