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Personal problem, opinions please!

MCoons91MCoons91 Posts: 70Registered Users
Hey everyone,
I just wanted to get opinions on a big decision I am facing. Ok so I grew up in Charleston, SC, born and raised, still living here. I love it here! The beach, the history, everything. My fiance and I met here, and he is originally from Dayton, Ohio. We have been together 4 years now, lived together for 3. We love each other very much and are very close. He is my best friend yada yada....Anyway, We have been struggling financially. I havent been able to find good work as I am under qualified. I have a part time job for an after school program. I also only have two years of college so far, but I am currently working on finishing. My fiance has always done construction so hes never done any college. So work is hard to find right now. We are young, trying to get on our feet. So his family who is in Ohio presents him with this opportunity to move back there. His dad owns his own construction company and my fiance would work with him and would receive 16 an hour starting out, his dad offered to put a down payment on a home/apartment, and offered to pay for a new work truck for him (we are also in a terrible car situation, we have no car, I've been borrowing my parents for work). My fiance also has a great solid plan to get me a car when he goes up first and gets settled there, then comes back for me. That sounds like a great opportunity! It could really get us on our feet. The problem is, I do NOT want to move to Ohio. I've only visited there twice, and I didn't even like visiting. Its way too cold, Its way different than what im used to. I also feel like my fiance needs to be more independent from his family and we should try to figure things out on our own. Not only that but I'd be leaving everything and everyone I know to go 13 hours away from home. Its a big sacrifice and I'd be entirely dependent on that until I finished school. Its scary for me, and I don't know what I should do. I think about alot of what if's, such as if it didnt work out. Has anyone ever experienced a similar situation? Or been faced with a big decision like this? Am I in the wrong for not wanting this? UGH..
Mostly 2B with 2C elements and quite a few random 3A corkscrews in my underneath layer. Re-tested my hair porosity and it is now low. I have fairly dense, medium thick hair.

Use: Shea Moisture Raw shampoo and conditioner, co-wash w/ suave naturals coconut, aussie ausome volume mousse and Herbal essence totally twisted gel.
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Comments

  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,780Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Can you finish school there? Maybe plan to go for the two years and he can work while you finish school, then reevaluate where you want to live.
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  • PerriPPerriP Posts: 6,613Registered Users
    I don't think you are in the wrong about not wanting this. If you don't want it, you don't want it.

    That said, I grew up military, to me a place is a place. If the work was in Ohio, I'd go to Ohio, it's how I was raised. It's not easy making a new life, new friends, etc, but people do it all the time.

    I guess the real question is what do you really want? Your fiancee has an opportunity to work, to help provide for you but it involves moving. What will be the long term cost if he stays with you, or if he goes without you. What are you willing to risk?

    Sent from my SCH-I535 using CurlTalk App
    Modified CG since Dec 2011
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    You could look at it as an opportunity and a temporary situation. Your goal could be to get on your feet, finish school, save money, etc in order to one day move back.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MCoons91MCoons91 Posts: 70Registered Users
    Yeah I guess I'm being a little ridiculous about it. I can finish school there because my community college offers online classes which I've been doing anyway. Oh well, guess I will see what happens when it happens.

    Sent from my DROID RAZR using CurlTalk App
    Mostly 2B with 2C elements and quite a few random 3A corkscrews in my underneath layer. Re-tested my hair porosity and it is now low. I have fairly dense, medium thick hair.

    Use: Shea Moisture Raw shampoo and conditioner, co-wash w/ suave naturals coconut, aussie ausome volume mousse and Herbal essence totally twisted gel.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    You're not being ridiculous. I would be concerned also. It's not that you two are married, but it does sound like you have a pretty solid relationship.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MCoons91MCoons91 Posts: 70Registered Users
    Oh we do and once again when money permits we will be married. So realistically it is the best over all situation. We are lucky to have a good opportunity. I'm sure others aren't as fortunate some times. Thanks yall , your opinions have helped me see what's best.

    Sent from my DROID RAZR using CurlTalk App
    Mostly 2B with 2C elements and quite a few random 3A corkscrews in my underneath layer. Re-tested my hair porosity and it is now low. I have fairly dense, medium thick hair.

    Use: Shea Moisture Raw shampoo and conditioner, co-wash w/ suave naturals coconut, aussie ausome volume mousse and Herbal essence totally twisted gel.
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    I feel your pain. I am facing my own dilemmas in that area. I live in Ohio, he lives in IL. I don't want to leave Cleveland, but my reasons are different.

    I have things that are keeping me here. A house that I owe more than it's worth, I've been with the same company for almost 12 years, and I run a small business out of my house so I would loose my workers. I also loss my mom in October so leaving my family at this point seems stupid dumb.

    All that being said, I am considering the move. Why? Because I have to live my life. I have to grow. I have to change. I have to go where there is opportunity. Are there some challenges? Yes, and I need them all to be addressed before I made my decision, but I realize that one way or another, I will have to make room in my life for someone else. Even if I stay in Ohio, I will have to make sacrifices.

    so like the others said, What do you really want? How can you benefit from this move? Are you prepared to let him go while you stay? Are there other options?
  • poisonivypoisonivy Posts: 1,551Registered Users
    I've lived in Ohio for 18 years. The weather sucks here. So depressing. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to live here.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    I'm from New Jersey, the armpit of the nation, and even I wouldn't move to Ohio. You will be stuck there and you will probably hate it, especially since you seem to love the beach and history of SC. Ohio doesn't have a lot to offer. And I have a hard time believing Ohio has more work opportunities. It's a place where people have left in droves, to find better work. It's not someplace people generally move TO.
  • MCoons91MCoons91 Posts: 70Registered Users
    Ugh..I was afraid of that..Well hopefully it will only be temporary.. I hate snow too. We dont get snow in SC thankfully. But I know Ohio does alot. and yes he has a job waiting for him. His father owns a business so that's who he's working for.

    Sent from my DROID RAZR using CurlTalk App
    Mostly 2B with 2C elements and quite a few random 3A corkscrews in my underneath layer. Re-tested my hair porosity and it is now low. I have fairly dense, medium thick hair.

    Use: Shea Moisture Raw shampoo and conditioner, co-wash w/ suave naturals coconut, aussie ausome volume mousse and Herbal essence totally twisted gel.
  • curlisue1curlisue1 Posts: 491Registered Users
    I live pretty close to Dayton. The winters aren't nice. I'm so tired of snow and cold right now that I could scream. Don't do it. Ohio is a black hole that sucks people in and doesn't let them leave!! Stay where the weather is nicer.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    How did his father build such a viable construction business (that even cold, dreary, wet Ohio winters won't slow down)? Can't his father just coach him in starting his own construction business in SC? Surely, the weather in SC is more amenable to the construction trade than OH for more months of the year.

    Personally, I don't like dayton either and wouldn't want to move there but...when you first met, what was the understanding about where you would settle down?

    It seems to me that your (singular) life is on course. You're working toward your degree, working parttime and using your parents' car. But it's his life that is stalled. Why are you the one expected to uproot yourself? It seems like a mistake to mess up the part that is working.

  • theliothelio Posts: 5,374Registered Users
    If the dad is willing to help his son get a car and house and ohio, would he be willing to help him get those things in SC? you say you have no car right now. if he had a relaible car he could look for jobs in sc that is driving distance away. get what i am saying?

    if his dad is not willing to help him do this, i feel his dad his using this as a way to suck his son in maybe? "if you come work with me, i will give you a car and house. if not you can make due with what you got or dont got."
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    thelio wrote: »
    If the dad is willing to help his son get a car and house and ohio, would he be willing to help him get those things in SC? you say you have no car right now. if he had a relaible car he could look for jobs in sc that is driving distance away. get what i am saying?

    if his dad is not willing to help him do this, i feel his dad his using this as a way to suck his son in maybe? "if you come work with me, i will give you a car and house. if not you can make due with what you got or dont got."

    yeah, but maybe the father isn't doing that maliciously...just would really benefit from the son working for him? And could then would be in a better financial position to help him?

    I think it's a little different to say, I will buy you a car. And I will buy you a car if you're putting in 12 hours a day working for me.

  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    MCoons91 wrote: »
    Ugh..I was afraid of that..Well hopefully it will only be temporary.. I hate snow too. We dont get snow in SC thankfully. But I know Ohio does alot. and yes he has a job waiting for him. His father owns a business so that's who he's working for.

    Sent from my DROID RAZR using CurlTalk App

    Personally, I'm lukewarm on Dayton but for what it's worth, know that it doesn't get nearly as much snow as northern Ohio. So when you hear that Ohio gets a ton of snow, it's usually us up north
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    But her fiance would be working for his dad in his company. I think that makes a difference as far as his dad helping out.

    My eldest daughter moved to Columbus, OH with her fiance for 2 years while he was getting his Masters. She didn't love it, but found things to enjoy there. She knew it was temporary and she would be moving back to AZ, so she did fine. It was worth it in the long run.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Columbus is a much better city than Dayton. Not just saying that bc I live here. It just is. Dayton is pretty bad. :(

    But it does have less snow than Northern OH.

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    You guys would benefit financially by moving up there. I'm also assuming he would not be able to find a 16/hr job in SC? If he could find something comparable, why could his dad not help him from another state? Maybe not as much since he won't be working for him, but at least a little? So would his dad only be helping with the house/apt down payment if he moved up there..kinda seems trapping. Because if you guys bought a place, you're more likely to stay there longer? Is there a plan to move back? Is this just temporary to help get things started? Also working for family long term can cause issues.

    I think if it's short term and it would benefit your future, it may not be a bad idea. But I would hope you and him have tried your best to see if financially you could also make it work in SC because OH sounds veryyy depressing. And you live in a really nice city so it had better be worth it.
  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    I would probably be spazzing if I was in your situation but as an outsider looking in, I say, can you transfer your job too? Will your job help you find a place there to work? (if it's like a company or store whatever) If so, Just go and if you hate it, go back.

    I mean, you can go and not struggle and just hate living there, or you can stay and struggle.

    But if you really really loathe the idea, then stay, maybe he can go for a bit by himself and then come back?



    I mean maybe if someone in SC would decide to do work on the roads maybe there would be more jobs, I'm just saying, it's like a third world country. The roads....potholes on highways....sick joke. No streetlights, people up north be like "why is it so dark here" Driving through the forbidden Forrest, I swear. End rant.
    tumblr_mji9u1Fwza1rh1wv4o1_500.jpg
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    It seems to me that your (singular) life is on course. You're working toward your degree, working parttime and using your parents' car. But it's his life that is stalled. Why are you the one expected to uproot yourself? It seems like a mistake to mess up the part that is working.



    This. Why ruin your life to fix his? Especially in Ohio...
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Saying that she will RUIN her life if she moves to Ohio is pretty exaggerated.
    She can continue her schooling there. This only has to be a temporary move.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Josephine wrote: »
    You guys would benefit financially by moving up there.

    It would benefit ~him~ financially to move to dayton. But they are not married and she is working on her degree in Charleston. If she moved to Dayton, she wouldn't have a car and might get hemmed up trying to transfer her credits.

  • MCoons91MCoons91 Posts: 70Registered Users
    Ok I'll try to answer every person's inquiries as best as I can. Let me clear up some things.
    His dad is offering to pay for a new car and a security deposit/down payment. My fiance will pay the rent. We will be renting. I have told him from the beginning of our relationship that I never wanted to move to Ohio. We have been talking alot about it this week, and I am willing to give it a chance, but I DO NOT want to stay there long term. Period. End of discussion. I love living by the coast. He does not like Charleston like I do, so I told him we can compromise and move somewhere still on the coast but maybe another city. I have family and no a few people in NC, VA, I'm flexible with that, and we would still kind of be in the middle with our families.
    His dad is not necessarily being malicious with his intents I know his dad, he wouldn't do that. I think he just needs the help right now because surprising he does have a good bit of work, and hes backed up. He'd rather hire his son first and give him a change than just give up the job to someone else. I DO see what every one is saying though about his dad offering the same opportunities here, and I think if my fiance really looked he could easily find something in Charleston. Part of me feels like he may miss his family too. So I'm willing to go up there and maybe finish school. Unless I just get there and withing a couple months realize I just absolutely hate it and can't deal. I don't plan on settleing there or have a family there. I will put my foot down on that one. Thanks to everyone, I appreciate all the honest and good advice! I am taking it all into consideration, and some of you have made me realize things I probably wouldn't have otherwise.
    Mostly 2B with 2C elements and quite a few random 3A corkscrews in my underneath layer. Re-tested my hair porosity and it is now low. I have fairly dense, medium thick hair.

    Use: Shea Moisture Raw shampoo and conditioner, co-wash w/ suave naturals coconut, aussie ausome volume mousse and Herbal essence totally twisted gel.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Josephine wrote: »
    You guys would benefit financially by moving up there.

    It would benefit ~him~ financially to move to dayton. But they are not married and she is working on her degree in Charleston. If she moved to Dayton, she wouldn't have a car and might get hemmed up trying to transfer her credits.

    She said she could transfer and finish elsewhere and didn't mention that it would be a major setback for her degree(I don't know this for sure, was just assuming). She doesn't have a great job either so assuming she could find some other type of part time work up there. The car is an issue, but the fiancee said that he could fix that.

    Also I was looking at it from a couple/unit perspective. She's engaged to him and will be marrying him. So what ever benefits him would obviously benefit her. I understand the city is really ****ty so it would potentially be a hard sacrifice.

    I don't know all the facts but if I had an opportunity to set my future and had no options for a job/career in the current city and my fiance didn't care and could still do what he was doing in another city, I would think he's being selfish.

    It is hard though to be in a relationship when either one is not set and still working on the future. People need to make compromises and relationships are hard when some other things need to take temporary priority.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Josephine wrote: »
    Josephine wrote: »
    You guys would benefit financially by moving up there.

    It would benefit ~him~ financially to move to dayton. But they are not married and she is working on her degree in Charleston. If she moved to Dayton, she wouldn't have a car and might get hemmed up trying to transfer her credits.

    She said she could transfer and finish elsewhere and didn't mention that it would be a major setback for her degree(I don't know this for sure, was just assuming). She doesn't have a great job either so assuming she could find some other type of part time work up there. The car is an issue, but the fiancee said that he could fix that.

    Also I was looking at it from a couple/unit perspective. She's engaged to him and will be marrying him. So what ever benefits him would obviously benefit her. I understand the city is really ****ty so it would potentially be a hard sacrifice.

    I don't know all the facts but if I had an opportunity to set my future and had no options for a job/career in the current city and my fiance didn't care and could still do what he was doing in another city, I would think he's being selfish.

    It is hard though to be in a relationship when either one is not set and still working on the future. People need to make compromises and relationships are hard when some other things need to take temporary priority.


    I just don't see how it would be a temporary thing. At what point is he going to voluntarily give up the job w/ his father and asistance from his father and move back to the east coast, jobless and homeless?

    To me it sounds like she is being asked to give up her quality of life in favor of his.

    And ppl do that all the time so I'm not saying she shouldn't. But call it what it is and honestly evaluate if that's what you want to do.

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users

    I just don't see how it would be a temporary thing. At what point is he going to voluntarily give up the job w/ his father and asistance from his father and move back to the east coast, jobless and homeless?

    To me it sounds like she is being asked to give up her quality of life in favor of his.

    And ppl do that all the time so I'm not saying she shouldn't. But call it what it is and honestly evaluate if that's what you want to do.

    Yes this is a risk, but I'm assuming there would be an agreement that it is temporary and he'd look for work elsewhere and move after they've saved up. Regardless, it's still a risk you are taking because what if he changes his mind and wants to stay. People do it all the time. Or she could risk losing him.

    I don't see it as only in favor of his life, I see it as something that could help the both of them. If she has to financially support him in SC(or sacrifice on other activities) because he can't get a decent job or has to save for a car and other things his father is offering up there, then her quality of life will also be affected.

    But I just read the OPs last post and she says that if he really tried he could find something in Charleston so in that case....I'd be more reluctant.
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    I love how many Ohio expert we have on this board. Who knew!!!!


    At the end of the day, it sounds like someone is going to have to make sacrifices here. If not, they will have to sacrifice the relationship.

    I think you need to consider what you are willing to sacrifice. And you have to be VERY honest with yourself about how you would deal with things if the move became permanent which it easily could.

    Have you asked him if he actually wants to stay where you are? Have you discussed other cities/possibilities? Are you willing to let him go and attempt a long distance relationship?
  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    Also, I don't know if you were just saying this because you were mad at the situation but.... you're borrowing your parents car so I'm assuming you are near your family, and then you said that he needs to learn how to be dependent from his family, I felt that that's a bit harsh on him because you're with your family! and his is miles away! That's not fair.


    Maybe if you guys looked towards those other locations they would have more jobs or something he might like, because if he could find work, then he just doesn't like the work there is.

    Good luck.
    tumblr_mji9u1Fwza1rh1wv4o1_500.jpg
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Josephine wrote: »

    I just don't see how it would be a temporary thing. At what point is he going to voluntarily give up the job w/ his father and asistance from his father and move back to the east coast, jobless and homeless?

    To me it sounds like she is being asked to give up her quality of life in favor of his.

    And ppl do that all the time so I'm not saying she shouldn't. But call it what it is and honestly evaluate if that's what you want to do.

    Yes this is a risk, but I'm assuming there would be an agreement that it is temporary and he'd look for work elsewhere and move after they've saved up. Regardless, it's still a risk you are taking because what if he changes his mind and wants to stay. People do it all the time. Or she could risk losing him.

    I don't see it as only in favor of his life, I see it as something that could help the both of them. If she has to financially support him in SC(or sacrifice on other activities) because he can't get a decent job or has to save for a car and other things his father is offering up there, then her quality of life will also be affected.

    But I just read the OPs last post and she says that if he really tried he could find something in Charleston so in that case....I'd be more reluctant.

    I would totally agree with you if 1) she was finished with college and 2) if he was getting some kind of transferable skill that he could use elsewhere.

  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    I feel bad for ohio, everyone hates it. lmao.
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