Dating... a 15 year difference.

afrodominican1afrodominican1 Posts: 650Registered Users
I met this guy through a mutual friend and he is very nice. We have similar interests and seem to get along well. He is totally different from the type I have dated before. He cut straight to the point and said to me "if you think that this could work out then let me know. Don't try to spare my feelings. Im looking for someone to settle down with." I would not hesitate to date this guy if it were not for the fact that Im 25 and he is 40.

I get that age is just a number but there are certain things that I must take into consideration. For instance he has 4 children. He divorced last year. I have never been married nor do I have children. Besides if I fall for this guy and we decide to get married how do I know he wants more children. I do plan to have children of my own someday.

I NEED SOME INSIGHT. I dont have much experience in dating, especially dating an older guy. I have been single for the past 6 years and am enjoying every minute of it. I don't want to hop into something this big and make a mess of it. Advice please?
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Comments

  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I would suggest you keep moving. There are many reasons 40 year old men date 25 year old women...and none of them are healthy.

    I was that 25 year old woman, and I did marry a 40 year old man...with 4 kids. Frigging nightmare. These chicken hawk older men are immature and difficult people. And they don't get better with age. Guaranteed that you will pass his emotional maturity fairly quickly and you will be wondering why the hell he is so emotionally stunted. Any emotionally healthy 40 year old man should be looking for a woman more his own age, with whom he has a lot more in common.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    You are at way different places in your lives.

    You've never had an adult relationship. He's been married.

    You have no children. He has FOUR.

    Your future is an open book. He has ties to an ex and a life that doesn't include you. He was probably marrying and having kids when you were in middle school.

    This isn't the recipe for a successful relationship.

    When I was about 21, I had a man who was in his early 30s, divorced with two little kids, who was very interested in me. We were close and he was a good person and in many ways, we had a lot in common, but I didn't pursue a relationship with him for the reasons discussed above. It might be temporarily painful for one or both of you to break it off but it's ultimately in both of your best interests.

    I think 15 years is more significant when you are younger. If you were 43 and he were 58 and you were both divorced with kids it might not be as much of a problem as it is now.
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  • WiregirlWiregirl Posts: 1,695Registered Users
    Move on baby girl! (I mean that with all do respect)
  • Monkey_Monkey_ Posts: 71Registered Users
    If you have to ask us if this is right, then you know you have thought it may be wrong. I agree with what others have said. On the other hand though, my boyfriend and I have a 10 year difference and things are great. We have been together for 3 years and I don't complain.

    Normally, I would agree that age doesn't matter, but what the other ladies have said does sound reasonable... Do what you feel is right. Get your friends to meet the guy. Sometimes other people can tell you right away if this guy is a creep or not. When I met my boyfriend I didn't ask anyone if our age difference is going to be a problem. We simply talked about it, discussed our life goals.

    Do you have a strong feeling that he is the one? Or are you simply flattered that a man has paid attention to you? (I don't mean this as an insult, but sometimes the idea of someone liking us is enough reason to consider a relationship.)

    ADD: a lot of people also told me that I should be careful because of the age difference, however, those who knew my boyfriend and were friends with both of us were totally for it!
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  • pinkwolfpinkwolf Posts: 430Registered Users Curl Novice
    I was in this situation before with older men and they all thought that I was either cheating or just flat out didn't trust me! And every last one had kids. I was the one in the relationship with no kids and had never been married (zero baggage).

    Also you don't just deal with the man but you have to add into the equation all the ex's, baby mama drama, the chldren, I can go on and on. And honestly you are too young for all that drama.

    Like everyone mentioned, move on. You have yet to experience marriage, kids. It would be nice to share these things with someone around your own age that you can discover it with. :-)

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  • munchkinmunchkin Posts: 2,909Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    My father was 15 years older than my mother. It didn't seem like that big of a span when I was young, but as they got older, I noticed she was still young and he was starting to seem like an old man. Plus he got sick in his mid 50's, was bedridden, and she became more of a caretaker than a wife at a young age (which I know can happen at any age, but it is more likely when there is a large age span between the two).

    I have a SIL who is about 12 yrs younger than my brother. He is retired but she still has several years to work before hitting retirement age. They should be traveling and doing things together but their age difference is preventing it.

    A daughter of friends just married a man 15 years older. She is in her early 30's; he his late 40's. They just had a baby. He is going to be putting a child through college when he should be enjoying retirement.

    As you age, so does he. The difference becomes much more noticeable. I personally wouldn't recommend such a large gap.
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  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    you said you haven't been in a real relationship in 6 years....you're 25.


    ummmmm not to be mean, but......you've pretty much never been in a serious relationship then.

    Unless you were in a "serious" relationship in high school...and those don't count.

    so no.

    four kids, then you'd have five, or if you wanted two..6! ack!
    No. You're 25! what the heck does he want with a 25 year old, I don't care how mature you are, you should be mature enough to question that.

    Like someone said above if you were 43, and he was 58...makes more sense. In your 20's?? No.


    eta: my freshman year roommate dated an older guy (like he was 35, she was 19).....No. Run. Run like the wind.
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  • afrodominican1afrodominican1 Posts: 650Registered Users
    I appreciate the advice and opinions. I think that you all are right. I should just let him know that it is not going to work out because the more I think about it we are at totally different places in life and it will continue that way for a while. i see the world as a place of many oportunities and he has already got an established life that he has settled into. Thanks for all of the advice.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    For some it works; for some it doesn't. It sounds like this relationship might be in the latter category. Not so much because of the age difference, but because you're so young. Live life as much as you can now so you don't regret it later.
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  • afrodominican1afrodominican1 Posts: 650Registered Users
    murrrcat wrote: »
    you said you haven't been in a real relationship in 6 years....you're 25.


    ummmmm not to be mean, but......you've pretty much never been in a serious relationship then.

    Unless you were in a "serious" relationship in high school...and those don't count.

    so no.

    four kids, then you'd have five, or if you wanted two..6! ack!
    No. You're 25! what the heck does he want with a 25 year old, I don't care how mature you are, you should be mature enough to question that.

    Like someone said above if you were 43, and he was 58...makes more sense. In your 20's?? No.


    eta: my freshman year roommate dated an older guy (like he was 35, she was 19).....No. Run. Run like the wind.

    I was going to marry my high school boyfriend but 3 years into the relationship and after he proposed I found out that he was hiding a baby that he had with a girl from his church . I broke off the engagement and have not spoken to him since.
    BC: 2/16/08
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  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    ^omg.

    How do you hide a baby from someone??

    People are weird.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    murrrcat wrote: »
    you said you haven't been in a real relationship in 6 years....you're 25.


    ummmmm not to be mean, but......you've pretty much never been in a serious relationship then.

    Unless you were in a "serious" relationship in high school...and those don't count.

    so no.

    four kids, then you'd have five, or if you wanted two..6! ack!
    No. You're 25! what the heck does he want with a 25 year old, I don't care how mature you are, you should be mature enough to question that.

    Like someone said above if you were 43, and he was 58...makes more sense. In your 20's?? No.


    eta: my freshman year roommate dated an older guy (like he was 35, she was 19).....No. Run. Run like the wind.

    I was going to marry my high school boyfriend but 3 years into the relationship and after he proposed I found out that he was hiding a baby that he had with a girl from his church . I broke off the engagement and have not spoken to him since.
    He had a baby during your relationship? Or before?
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  • afrodominican1afrodominican1 Posts: 650Registered Users
    i was the good girl that he intoduced to the family. she was the party chick that he could have sex with whenever he wanted. she got pregnant an i found out about the kid 3 mos after he was born. then to make it worse there was a pic of the baby at his mom's house with the name "Jr" on it. but it didnt dawn on me that it was his kid until after i found out he had a baby.
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  • afrodominican1afrodominican1 Posts: 650Registered Users
    murrrcat wrote: »
    you said you haven't been in a real relationship in 6 years....you're 25.


    ummmmm not to be mean, but......you've pretty much never been in a serious relationship then.

    Unless you were in a "serious" relationship in high school...and those don't count.

    so no.

    four kids, then you'd have five, or if you wanted two..6! ack!
    No. You're 25! what the heck does he want with a 25 year old, I don't care how mature you are, you should be mature enough to question that.

    Like someone said above if you were 43, and he was 58...makes more sense. In your 20's?? No.


    eta: my freshman year roommate dated an older guy (like he was 35, she was 19).....No. Run. Run like the wind.

    I was going to marry my high school boyfriend but 3 years into the relationship and after he proposed I found out that he was hiding a baby that he had with a girl from his church . I broke off the engagement and have not spoken to him since.
    He had a baby during your relationship? Or before?

    During. her entire pregnancy he never mentioned cheating or having a kid on the way.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    :(
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  • theliothelio Posts: 5,374Registered Users
    i was the good girl that he intoduced to the family. she was the party chick that he could have sex with whenever he wanted. she got pregnant an i found out about the kid 3 mos after he was born. then to make it worse there was a pic of the baby at his mom's house with the name "Jr" on it. but it didnt dawn on me that it was his kid until after i found out he had a baby.

    The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    IKR?!
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  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    thelio wrote: »
    i was the good girl that he intoduced to the family. she was the party chick that he could have sex with whenever he wanted. she got pregnant an i found out about the kid 3 mos after he was born. then to make it worse there was a pic of the baby at his mom's house with the name "Jr" on it. but it didnt dawn on me that it was his kid until after i found out he had a baby.

    The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!

    That IS dirt!!!

    I agree with the others, I'd run far and fast.

    I also can't help but notice that in the OP, you said "how do I know if he wants more children?" (and I seriously mean this in the nicest possible way) but if you aren't mature enough to just come out and ASK HIM a question like that when he is being straightforward with YOU and putting HIS expectations on the table, then I don't think you are in a place to be in a relationship with someone of that age and life experience, either.
    "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Not reccommended

  • afrodominican1afrodominican1 Posts: 650Registered Users
    Narnia wrote: »
    thelio wrote: »
    i was the good girl that he intoduced to the family. she was the party chick that he could have sex with whenever he wanted. she got pregnant an i found out about the kid 3 mos after he was born. then to make it worse there was a pic of the baby at his mom's house with the name "Jr" on it. but it didnt dawn on me that it was his kid until after i found out he had a baby.

    The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!

    That IS dirt!!!

    I agree with the others, I'd run far and fast.

    I also can't help but notice that in the OP, you said "how do I know if he wants more children?" (and I seriously mean this in the nicest possible way) but if you aren't mature enough to just come out and ASK HIM a question like that when he is being straightforward with YOU and putting HIS expectations on the table, then I don't think you are in a place to be in a relationship with someone of that age and life experience, either.

    His family never said a word to me. One of HIS friends let me know what was up. Anyway. I have not asked him those important questions yet because I don't want to get any deeper than I already am. Asking about kids and other "marriage" stuff may lead him to think that I want to be with him. Does that make sense? Basically I was trying to keep it superficial until I knew exactly waht I wanted to do.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    munchkin wrote: »
    My father was 15 years older than my mother. It didn't seem like that big of a span when I was young, but as they got older, I noticed she was still young and he was starting to seem like an old man. Plus he got sick in his mid 50's, was bedridden, and she became more of a caretaker than a wife at a young age (which I know can happen at any age, but it is more likely when there is a large age span between the two).

    I have a SIL who is about 12 yrs younger than my brother. He is retired but she still has several years to work before hitting retirement age. They should be traveling and doing things together but their age difference is preventing it.

    A daughter of friends just married a man 15 years older. She is in her early 30's; he his late 40's. They just had a baby. He is going to be putting a child through college when he should be enjoying retirement.

    As you age, so does he. The difference becomes much more noticeable. I personally wouldn't recommend such a large gap.



    Yup. I know older women with very elderly husbands. They spend their 50's and 60's...which really should be their golden years...taking care of an old man. And then, after years spent wiping old-man-butt, the old man dies, and, guess what...there's no retirement savings left for her. She's gotta work in her 70's.
  • NalliaNallia Posts: 2,979Registered Users
    munchkin wrote: »
    My father was 15 years older than my mother. It didn't seem like that big of a span when I was young, but as they got older, I noticed she was still young and he was starting to seem like an old man. Plus he got sick in his mid 50's, was bedridden, and she became more of a caretaker than a wife at a young age (which I know can happen at any age, but it is more likely when there is a large age span between the two).

    I have a SIL who is about 12 yrs younger than my brother. He is retired but she still has several years to work before hitting retirement age. They should be traveling and doing things together but their age difference is preventing it.

    A daughter of friends just married a man 15 years older. She is in her early 30's; he his late 40's. They just had a baby. He is going to be putting a child through college when he should be enjoying retirement.

    As you age, so does he. The difference becomes much more noticeable. I personally wouldn't recommend such a large gap.



    Yup. I know older women with very elderly husbands. They spend their 50's and 60's...which really should be their golden years...taking care of an old man. And then, after years spent wiping old-man-butt, the old man dies, and, guess what...there's no retirement savings left for her. She's gotta work in her 70's.

    My mother spent her mid- to late-40s caring for my father after his stroke until he died at 60 from pneumonia caused by permanent bed rest (he was completely paralyzed by it and could only blink). She was only 47 when he died. It was so hard watching my mother go through that and watching her put her life together again and figure out who she was afterwards.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Narnia wrote: »
    thelio wrote: »

    The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!

    That IS dirt!!!

    His family never said a word to me. One of HIS friends let me know what was up.

    I'm glad you got away before marrying him. Here's a hint: You marry the family as well as the man, so any family who would do this to you, is pure trash and should be avoided.
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    No offense, but the "Does he want more kids" thing struck me too. I know you don't want to get too deep, but you have to know these types of things.

    I think that since you are asking us if it will work and not asking him the questions that will determine this leads me to say no. It's not that it can't work, but it seems like you are already questioning it.

    I hate getting too deep, but one of my male friends is always saying that this is how women get into trouble. They don't ask enough questions BEFORE they get involved.


    Sorry about your ex. That just happened with a friend of mine. He just went to his live-in girlfriend and told her that he had a 3month-old. Yes, I yelled at him.
  • goldencurlygoldencurly Posts: 2,385Registered Users
    I am 42. I would never consider dating a 27 year old. NEVER. Would you date a 10 year old? Nope, you would not.

    Later in life, like if both of you had been married and had kids, 15 years difference wouldn't be that big a deal but you have so many "firsts" ahead of you and I think you should share those firsts with someone for whom they will also be firsts.

    Run, girl, run.
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    I'm with everyone else. When I was your age (why does saying that make me sound so ancient? Anyhoo...) I dated an older guy who was divorced with a son that lived in another state. I didn't find out for months that there was an 11 year age difference between us. He evaded mentioning his age to me for so long because he feared I'd bolt. In hindsight, I probably should have bolted way sooner than I did because we were most definitely not at the same stage in our lives at all. That age gap may not be huge to a lot of people, but I didn't have kids and I had never married, while he had a lot of baggage by comparison. Plus, he was a workaholic and he spent holidays and many weekends with his son. I was not a priority whatsoever. In fact, we didn't have much of a relationship at all and on average, we saw each other maybe once every 5 weeks. Sad, huh? It turned out to be more of a FWB more than anything else. Some women can handle that, but I was not emotionally healthy enough to do that then. I won't ever enter into a relationship like that again. I don't think you have enough in common with this guy for it to last in the long run and the fact that you're questioning it proves how hesitant you are. Keep it movin'.
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  • afrodominican1afrodominican1 Posts: 650Registered Users
    I called the guy today to let him know that I did not want to date him and I gave him the reasons. His response was,"ok. You know anyone looking to get married?" I hung up the phone but not before saying," dumb @ss".
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  • EricachristinaEricachristina Posts: 496Registered Users
    My husband is 14 years older than me. I met him when I was 19. I think relationships with a big age difference can work but it really depends on the individuals and their particular relationship. There are issues that can arise like having kids, in your case more kids, blending families ect. You really have to consider all his baggage ( for lack of a better term) and really think about whether you can accept it all. Love is fantastic but unfortunately there is much more to a relationship and you need to sort out all the issues that could arise. Put all your worries and concerns right out on the table and determine if you both want the same things because you may be at different stages in life and have different goals.

    No one can really tell you not to be with him just based on his age, you are the one that knows him and only you can decide if you can accept his age and everything else that comes with it. Try to think further ahead, do you think you will still be able to accept his age 5 years from now? 10?

    My husband and I are compatible in many ways so I don't even notice the difference. We want the same thing and we make it work.
  • EricachristinaEricachristina Posts: 496Registered Users
    I called the guy today to let him know that I did not want to date him and I gave him the reasons. His response was,"ok. You know anyone looking to get married?" I hung up the phone but not before saying," dumb @ss".

    Oh I just read this after replying.
    Well it seems like you got that all sorted out. Was he on a mission to get married? If so I wonder what his motivations and intentions were....
    Either way it sounds like you are better off without him.
  • afrodominican1afrodominican1 Posts: 650Registered Users
    I called the guy today to let him know that I did not want to date him and I gave him the reasons. His response was,"ok. You know anyone looking to get married?" I hung up the phone but not before saying," dumb @ss".

    Oh I just read this after replying.
    Well it seems like you got that all sorted out. Was he on a mission to get married? If so I wonder what his motivations and intentions were....
    Either way it sounds like you are better off without him.

    Erica your first post is truth. I can appreciate that. To the second one, Now I think he just wants to get married to someone. I get the feeling he wants someone younger so that he can say, "these are the rules to the game. You want in?" type thing. He wants someone but someone already molded into what he wants. I guess. Idk. I know Im not going to go further with him.
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