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Married People Please Tell Me....

fraufrau Posts: 6,130Registered Users
what have you found to be the most important characteristics in keeping your marriage happy?
i mean, when you selected your partner, what things did you see in your partner, that you chose, were the things that were vital in your marriage?

i mean, was it chemistry?
financial stability?
intelligence?
humor?
that you were alike?
that you were different?
that you got along well with their family?

what things have you found to be most important and what have you found to not really be important at all?
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  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    OMG IT'S FRAU!!!
    Erm, I'm forever-alone, so I can't actually answer this. Helpful, huh?
    por-que-no-te-callas.jpg
  • Like.AustraliaLike.Australia Posts: 2,544Registered Users
    I think chemistry is what draws people together, but not what necessarily keeps them together. For me, the three most important things are:
    - balance of personalities (We're similar in some ways, but also very different in others.)
    - similar interests (We like doing stuff together.)
    - having some independent time (I go a bit crazy if i don't have some "me time" - just a couple hours every week.)
  • goldencurlygoldencurly Posts: 2,385Registered Users
    was it chemistry? initially yes but we still have it

    financial stability? we have the same financial habits so we are compatible and do not argue about money

    intelligence? yes, I need to have a conversation without having to backtrack and explain everything.

    humor? DEFINATELY! He can make me laugh with no warning. He can always make me smile

    that you were alike? in religious practices and beliefs, how we raise children, how we feel about family

    that you were different? we are opposites politically: he is conservative and old-fashioned and I am liberal and think most of history should not be repeated

    that you got along well with their family? this definately helps!


    The most important thing is that we love each other unconditionally and respect each other, even when we don't want to. I do stupid stuff and I can tell by the look on his face what he is thinking, but he'd never disrespect me. He knows I am smart enough to know what I've done without making an issue of it. Same thing when he does something stupid.

    I really like my husband. Not just love him, but really, really like him. It "bothers" our children when one of us hugs the other one and says, "I like you" and the response is "I like you too." Normally this is followed by "I love you too..." Since this is the second marriage for each of us, we value the fact that we like each other.

    I rarely liked my first husband and I don't think he liked me at all, ever. And we see how that turned out.
  • HootenannyHootenanny Posts: 300Registered Users
    frau wrote: »
    what have you found to be the most important characteristics in keeping your marriage happy?
    i mean, when you selected your partner, what things did you see in your partner, that you chose, were the things that were vital in your marriage?

    i mean, was it chemistry?
    financial stability?
    intelligence?
    humor?
    that you were alike?
    that you were different?
    that you got along well with their family?

    what things have you found to be most important and what have you found to not really be important at all?

    Well, everything you mentioned really helps, at least in my experience. I'll just add one more thing that, for me at least, set my DH apart from the competition, and it was that he's willing to give me space and let me be myself. Many of my friends act like these qualities are (or should be) automatic in a partner, but they haven't been in my past relationships. Other men wanted to change me, and I too easily gave in to that, without even realizing. It was such an amazing feeling to find someone who didn't want me to change one bit.
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  • NvmbrCurlssNvmbrCurlss Posts: 732Registered Users
    Chemistry got us together. Trust and respect lead to our commitment. Desire, companionship and (seemingly forever growing) boundaries appear to be keeping us together:) FYI, we're 4 years in and still new! But we are both still looking forward to the next 4...
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    1. Humor - he has to make me laugh. Really comes in handy when I feel like killing him.

    2. Consideration - we both do special things to please the other, keep each other informed on what/where/when we're doing stuff, and remember to use our please and thank yous. In short, we practice common courtesy.

    3. Values - I can tolerate a lot of differences with friends and family, but for my life partner, I really need to be compatible religiously (or lack thereof), socially, and politically.

    Sex and money are important too...but only if they are bad or missing...and they tend to come-and-go...and you'll be able to withstand the loss of them if you have the top three things above. Intelligence and being able to have meaningful conversations helps a lot too, but if everything else was there, I could tolerate fewer smarts.

    And, yeah, he has to have a serious career.
  • curledlovecurledlove Posts: 444Registered Users
    Everything everyone has mentioned is really important. For me, chemistry brought us together. Now, although were still very physically attracted to each other, we have a deeper spiritual and emotional connection. We are very alike in some ways and very different in others. Its a good Balance because we have conversation and discussion about the things we have in common but we are also able to debate our differing opinions. Overall though, common courtesy (please/ty/bless you/good morning/good night) is something we purposely continue to do, intimacy is also very important, i think its what separates my.relationship with him from any other relationship. Getting along with his family also helps. Im one of the few that believes Money issues arent that big of a deal, unless of course you have other issues and the Money or lack thereof worsens the problem.

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  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    1. Humor - he has to make me laugh. Really comes in handy when I feel like killing him.

    2. Consideration - we both do special things to please the other, keep each other informed on what/where/when we're doing stuff, and remember to use our please and thank yous. In short, we practice common courtesy.

    3. Values - I can tolerate a lot of differences with friends and family, but for my life partner, I really need to be compatible religiously (or lack thereof), socially, and politically.

    Sex and money are important too...but only if they are bad or missing...and they tend to come-and-go...and you'll be able to withstand the loss of them if you have the top three things above. Intelligence and being able to have meaningful conversations helps a lot too, but if everything else was there, I could tolerate fewer smarts.

    And, yeah, he has to have a serious career.

    I'd put the thing about career right in there with values. It's not something separate, to me. Otherwise, I totally agree with this...although I'm not married we've been together 5 years and own a house together.


    The one other thing I'd add is that both people have to have the same idea of what constitutes "a relationship". For example, do you need to talk on the phone/text 5 times per day, or if you barely speak for a few days is that OK? Can you have your own friends and social life apart from each other, or do you always have to be doing things together? What constitutes cheating (sex without any emotional intimacy, online-only relationship, porn, emotional intimacy without sex, going to a strip club, etc.).
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    1. Humor - he has to make me laugh. Really comes in handy when I feel like killing him.

    2. Consideration - we both do special things to please the other, keep each other informed on what/where/when we're doing stuff, and remember to use our please and thank yous. In short, we practice common courtesy.

    3. Values - I can tolerate a lot of differences with friends and family, but for my life partner, I really need to be compatible religiously (or lack thereof), socially, and politically.

    Sex and money are important too...but only if they are bad or missing...and they tend to come-and-go...and you'll be able to withstand the loss of them if you have the top three things above. Intelligence and being able to have meaningful conversations helps a lot too, but if everything else was there, I could tolerate fewer smarts.

    And, yeah, he has to have a serious career.

    I'd put the thing about career right in there with values. It's not something separate, to me. Otherwise, I totally agree with this...although I'm not married we've been together 5 years and own a house together.


    The one other thing I'd add is that both people have to have the same idea of what constitutes "a relationship". For example, do you need to talk on the phone/text 5 times per day, or if you barely speak for a few days is that OK? Can you have your own friends and social life apart from each other, or do you always have to be doing things together? What constitutes cheating (sex without any emotional intimacy, online-only relationship, porn, emotional intimacy without sex, going to a strip club, etc.).

    I agree, I find it easier and doable for me if you have the same idea and needs from a relationship. Compromise in major areas suck especially if there's too many going on.

    For those who have been married for a while, how similar are your interests and do you think that makes a huge difference if you have many separate interests? It makes all the difference for me since I like my bf to be my best friend as well(activity partner wise)
  • fraufrau Posts: 6,130Registered Users
    did any of you settle?
    did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
    did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
    does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

    (no one wants to marry me, just wondering)
  • spring1onuspring1onu Posts: 16,528Registered Users
    Financials definitely weren't important to me at the time since we were only 17 when we met. I think all that mattered to me back then was that I thought he was cute, made me laugh like nobody else could, and was just so incredibly nice and caring toward me and others. Once we got in each others pants that was that, I was in love. :lol:

    We have a lot of important big things in common like neither of us want children, our views on religion are very similar, our politics are pretty similar as well and we both believe everyone should be treated fairly no matter their ethnicity or sexual preference. I could never be with someone who is racist or homophobic.

    We do have a lot of the same interests, but we also have a lot that are total opposite and it all balances out and works well. He's incredibly smart and always learning about new things. His brain is sex-ay.

    I think it's also a huge bonus that I get along with his family really well and he with mine. He is the son my father never had. :lol: Get those two together and I barely get a word in.

    He's my best friend and the best man I know.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    frau wrote: »
    did any of you settle?
    did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
    did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
    does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

    (no one wants to marry me, just wondering)

    I made the semi-reasonable decision to marry the decent guy who treated me alright so we could have an acceptable life...and it didn't work out. :p

    I wouldn't call it settling and I did love him but I there was a whole lot missing.

  • Like.AustraliaLike.Australia Posts: 2,544Registered Users
    I left humor out of mine, but I think that is definitely important. I also think it's a huge part of chemistry. Of course, chemistry is related to sexual attraction, but it's also how people relate to one another in other ways. And I think, contrary to what I originally said, that is part of chemistry that keeps a relationship going strong. For us, after having a baby, while still attracted to one another, sex was nearly impossible (birth complications) and we were more connected than ever before. Bonding over a child has certainly changed our relationship for the better, but I don't know that that is something that necessarily makes a marriage work for everyone.
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    frau wrote: »
    did any of you settle?
    did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
    did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
    does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

    (no one wants to marry me, just wondering)

    I hate the term "settling" because I think it's so often misused. I just posted this on another thread:

    "It's not "settling" because the guy is only 5'8" and balding and didn't finish college, if he turns out to be the most wonderful man you've ever met and the best sex you've ever had and an amazing partner. It is "settling", however, if you are with the guy even though he doesn't make you feel amazing, even if he's 6'3", hot, and a millionaire."

    People always use the term "settling" to refer to a guy being "not good enough" or "not as good as they could do". That's ********. A relationship/marriage isn't about who has the hottest husband, and who had to "settle least" because their husband is hotter and/or makes more money. The people who "settle" are those who accept a relationship with a man who doesn't fulfill them, just because they want a relationship. I think this often happens with shallow women who just want to snag a hot husband. They're the ones who settle. Not the happily married women who's husbands don't look like the cover of GQ.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    The things that keep our marriage together and keep us happy include:

    * We both communicate well and often - one of the things we base our marriage on is, "Say it. I can't read your mind!"

    * We both are very slow to anger

    * We are both laid back - Felix even more than me

    * We make each other laugh

    * We are both optimists

    * We each put the other first. His needs come before mine for me, and my needs come before his for him.

    * We totally have each others' backs and support each other no matter what. I'm on his side and he's on mine. We present a united and loving front to everyone.

    * We see ourselves as a family, our own little family unit, together forever.

    * And finally, my husband is just SO NICE. Everyone loves him because he is just the sweetest guy in the world, with a quick smile and good word for everyone. This makes my life so very, very easy.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Rock on with your bad self.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Be excellent to each other. ~ Abraham Lincoln

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    ^Aw, I always enjoy reading your posts about your husband.
    por-que-no-te-callas.jpg
  • divegirldivegirl Posts: 1,286Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    I hate the term "settling" because I think it's so often misused. I just posted this on another thread:

    "It's not "settling" because the guy is only 5'8" and balding and didn't finish college, if he turns out to be the most wonderful man you've ever met and the best sex you've ever had and an amazing partner. It is "settling", however, if you are with the guy even though he doesn't make you feel amazing, even if he's 6'3", hot, and a millionaire."

    People always use the term "settling" to refer to a guy being "not good enough" or "not as good as they could do". That's ********. A relationship/marriage isn't about who has the hottest husband, and who had to "settle least" because their husband is hotter and/or makes more money. The people who "settle" are those who accept a relationship with a man who doesn't fulfill them, just because they want a relationship. I think this often happens with shallow women who just want to snag a hot husband. They're the ones who settle. Not the happily married women who's husbands don't look like the cover of GQ.

    I totally agree. I was trying to think of a way to phrase this and you did it better than I could have :) I am not married but my relationship with my boyfriend is the best one of my life. He's not what I would have normally been attracted to, physically. But he's an amazing man and our relationship is everything I ever wanted - loving, supportive, communicative, funny, etc. So to me, "settling" refers to my previous relationships where the physical chemistry was instant and intense, but did not satisfy my emotional needs.

    After my last crash-and-burn, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted a relationship to look like - how I wanted myself to be, and what I truly wanted in a man. Then he came along :)

    One of the things I enjoy the most about our relationship (besides the great sex, the love and support, the enjoyment of spending time together, the humor, etc, etc) is the complete absence of NEGATIVE feelings. There's no doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, insecurity, angst, jealousy, or anger. It's such a RELIEF.
  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    frau wrote: »
    did any of you settle?
    did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
    did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
    does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

    (no one wants to marry me, just wondering)

    I hate the term "settling" because I think it's so often misused. I just posted this on another thread:

    "It's not "settling" because the guy is only 5'8" and balding and didn't finish college, if he turns out to be the most wonderful man you've ever met and the best sex you've ever had and an amazing partner. It is "settling", however, if you are with the guy even though he doesn't make you feel amazing, even if he's 6'3", hot, and a millionaire."

    People always use the term "settling" to refer to a guy being "not good enough" or "not as good as they could do". That's ********. A relationship/marriage isn't about who has the hottest husband, and who had to "settle least" because their husband is hotter and/or makes more money. The people who "settle" are those who accept a relationship with a man who doesn't fulfill them, just because they want a relationship. I think this often happens with shallow women who just want to snag a hot husband. They're the ones who settle. Not the happily married women who's husbands don't look like the cover of GQ.

    Some of this reads like it came straight out of the Nice Guy handbook.
    por-que-no-te-callas.jpg
  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    this is hot guy bashing. LOL. Damn can't hot people be good people also? or no.. all hot people are evil and crappy.

    also hot is different to everyone. I mean haven't you (gy) seen the threads in which we discuss the sexiness of males everyone has different opinions.

    don't worry someone finds that 5'8 bald didn't go to college "ugly" (how does that make one ugly, bald people can be hot too) dude hot. he will be loved *in adam levigne's voice to the tune of that song that goes....she will be loved*
    tumblr_mji9u1Fwza1rh1wv4o1_500.jpg
  • annabananaliseannabananalise Posts: 1,913Registered Users
    I mean, if I look like a cover of the SI swimsuit edition, can't I get my GQ husband? I mean shoot.

    And okay maybe I'm not the cover, but I'm definitely a glossy advertisement insert. ;)

    It's only gonna work if the guy makes me wanna werque (if ya know what I'm sayin') and 5'8" and balding just ain't gonna cut it.

    But yes, someone who fulfills you is ideal.
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  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    I mean, if I look like a cover of the SI swimsuit edition, can't I get my GQ husband? I mean shoot.

    And okay maybe I'm not the cover, but I'm definitely a glossy advertisement insert. ;)

    It's only gonna work if the guy makes me wanna werque (if ya know what I'm sayin') and 5'8" and balding just ain't gonna cut it.

    But yes, someone who fulfills you is ideal.


    sexy people can be fulfilling, why can't sexy people be fulfilling? why is there sexy men hate going on, we're going backwards!!! Forward, say no to nice guys!
    tumblr_mji9u1Fwza1rh1wv4o1_500.jpg
  • spring1onuspring1onu Posts: 16,528Registered Users
    murrrcat wrote: »
    Damn can't hot people be good people also? or no.. all hot people are evil and crappy.

    Ummmm, hello? *points to self* I'm living proof this is NOT true. :laughing6:


    :lol:
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  • annabananaliseannabananalise Posts: 1,913Registered Users
    murrrcat wrote: »
    I mean, if I look like a cover of the SI swimsuit edition, can't I get my GQ husband? I mean shoot.

    And okay maybe I'm not the cover, but I'm definitely a glossy advertisement insert. ;)

    It's only gonna work if the guy makes me wanna werque (if ya know what I'm sayin') and 5'8" and balding just ain't gonna cut it.

    But yes, someone who fulfills you is ideal.


    sexy people can be fulfilling, why can't sexy people be fulfilling? why is there sexy men hate going on, we're going backwards!!! Forward, say no to nice guys!

    Truth. Idk how you're gonna fulfill me without being sexy. I feel like that's a minimum requirement for fulfillment, yeah?
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  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    I mean, if I look like a cover of the SI swimsuit edition, can't I get my GQ husband? I mean shoot.

    And okay maybe I'm not the cover, but I'm definitely a glossy advertisement insert. ;)

    It's only gonna work if the guy makes me wanna werque (if ya know what I'm sayin') and 5'8" and balding just ain't gonna cut it.

    But yes, someone who fulfills you is ideal.

    We can just agree to disagree. I don't think someone who fulfills you is "ideal". I think that's necessary for a happy long term relationship. It's ideal if that person is also sterotypically hot (meaning, cover of GQ hot), because then you have the added bonus of showing him off to your friends and neighbors. But really, if you're writing off all the non-GQ guys right off the bat, the MAN are you missing out. The guy should be attractive to you, not just plain attractive. Two totally different things, as has been mentioned regarding the thread on hot guys...everyone has different opinions!

    You should never settle. But man I feel sorry for all the women out there who think they didn't settle, or worse, are still single and refusing to settle, and think anything less than GQ-hot is settling.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    Except you're completely missing the point that when she mentions GQ-worthy it's based on her perception. From what I remember, you believe there are people who are unarguably attractive, whereas most of us believe that it's based on individual perception. I believe in one thread you cited certain women as being attractive without question and they happened to be women that I don't think are much to look at. There is no set standard for attractive. Or at least, just because the media has set one doesn't mean people subscribe to it.
    Nobody said anything about showing off to their friends. It's simply about someone you're attracted to. You can't force attraction, at least I know I can't.
    And your statement about feeling sorry for women is just condescending.
    por-que-no-te-callas.jpg
  • annabananaliseannabananalise Posts: 1,913Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    I mean, if I look like a cover of the SI swimsuit edition, can't I get my GQ husband? I mean shoot.

    And okay maybe I'm not the cover, but I'm definitely a glossy advertisement insert. ;)

    It's only gonna work if the guy makes me wanna werque (if ya know what I'm sayin') and 5'8" and balding just ain't gonna cut it.

    But yes, someone who fulfills you is ideal.

    We can just agree to disagree. I don't think someone who fulfills you is "ideal". I think that's necessary for a happy long term relationship. It's ideal if that person is also sterotypically hot (meaning, cover of GQ hot), because then you have the added bonus of showing him off to your friends and neighbors. But really, if you're writing off all the non-GQ guys right off the bat, the MAN are you missing out. The guy should be attractive to you, not just plain attractive. Two totally different things, as has been mentioned regarding the thread on hot guys...everyone has different opinions!

    You should never settle. But man I feel sorry for all the women out there who think they didn't settle, or worse, are still single and refusing to settle, and think anything less than GQ-hot is settling.

    I just think one should be physically attracted to their SO. Like you gotta turn me on more than I turn myself on. (and we all know I dazzle myself).

    I think settling is marrying a nice guy that you get along with that you (gy) can have a stable, comfortable (not just financially but emotionally) future with. Ya you (gy) may care for him, but that's not enough for me.

    There are plenty of good men out there, but should I give them a chance just because they are Good Men? Idts. And I don't think I'm missing out either.

    He's gotta make me wanna la la in the kitchen on the floor.
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  • annabananaliseannabananalise Posts: 1,913Registered Users
    Also I'm interested in marrying someone I love. And falling in love involves a lot of things. One of them is attraction.

    Idk I'm just a girl looking for that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff.

    (I'm sorry I'm really into quotes today.)
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  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users

    He's gotta make me wanna la la in the kitchen on the floor.


    I'm so mad at you for this.:laughing7:
    tumblr_mji9u1Fwza1rh1wv4o1_500.jpg
  • annabananaliseannabananalise Posts: 1,913Registered Users
    Omg Lily Allen's "Not Fair" just came on Pandora.

    How.

    Appropriate.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Saria wrote: »
    Who Me? wrote: »
    frau wrote: »
    did any of you settle?
    did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
    did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
    does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

    (no one wants to marry me, just wondering)

    I hate the term "settling" because I think it's so often misused. I just posted this on another thread:

    "It's not "settling" because the guy is only 5'8" and balding and didn't finish college, if he turns out to be the most wonderful man you've ever met and the best sex you've ever had and an amazing partner. It is "settling", however, if you are with the guy even though he doesn't make you feel amazing, even if he's 6'3", hot, and a millionaire."

    People always use the term "settling" to refer to a guy being "not good enough" or "not as good as they could do". That's ********. A relationship/marriage isn't about who has the hottest husband, and who had to "settle least" because their husband is hotter and/or makes more money. The people who "settle" are those who accept a relationship with a man who doesn't fulfill them, just because they want a relationship. I think this often happens with shallow women who just want to snag a hot husband. They're the ones who settle. Not the happily married women who's husbands don't look like the cover of GQ.

    Some of this reads like it came straight out of the Nice Guy handbook.

    funny

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