CurlTalk

So I've frequently talked about my friend who feeds her kids crap

SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
And that her kids are bratty and that she gives them Miralax every day because they don't know from vegetable. (one's 5, one's 7, and the seven year old was diagnosed with PDDNOS several years ago)

anyway, yesterday when I was talking to her her 5 year old was having a temper tantrum and she called her mother a name and my friend told her daughter to go into her room. When the daughter said no my friend said, "Well, then say sorry to mommy." And she said sorry (but you could hear that she wasn't in her voice) and then she immediately called her mother a name again so her mom sent her to her room.

A few minutes later my friend said, "she's still in there tantruming. Should I go in?" FINALLY SHE ASKED ME ADVICE!!! So I said, "No. And truthfully I think she should have gone to her room the first time and apologized to you AFTER she came out."

Today my friend told me that she's been having a really hard time with both kids. She said, "I have never liked kids. I never wanted any of my own. If I'd married a man who didn't want kids I never would have been fine with that." She said, "I don't like doing crafts with them, I don't like playing with them."

This is all pretty much what I suspected (because they're ALWAYS watching TV and that's it). She takes the girl to dance lessons and the boy to swim lessons and all his therapy, but that's about it. And the girl really wants to go back to ice skating but the mom says no because she doesn't like sitting in the cold.

Anyway, how can I help? CAN I help? Anyone know of any books that help a parent like their children? (personally I find them pretty unlikeable myself, but I know that that's because of how she's made them)
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Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



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Comments

  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    I don't think any book will make a parent like kids. Unfortunately her kids are too old now for her to let someone else raise them. :(
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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Saria wrote: »
    I don't think any book will make a parent like kids. Unfortunately her kids are too old now for her to let someone else raise them. :(

    I know. :-( And she's married but they really seem to fall into very traditional roles. He works, she's a SAHM. Maybe it'd be better if she got a job, I don't know. Like she wouldn't have to be around them so much.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I don't remember the situation...is the mother depressed or stressed out? Is the kids' father in the picture?

  • PoPo Posts: 2,607Registered Users
    She needs to get a job, even if it's part-time or volunteering. I think she would feel a lot better. It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is good for her or the children.
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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    I don't remember the situation...is the mother depressed or stressed out? Is the kids' father in the picture?

    I think she's probably depressed NOW. And I'm sure it's not easy raising a kid on the autism spectrum. But even when he was an infant she didn't really know what to do with him. Didn't seem to bond well with him. He watched those Baby Einstein videos when he was like 3 months old.

    But from what I've witnessed it just seems like she's kind of taking the easy way out. Anyone who has a kid knows that it's really hard. And sometimes you don't WANT to be engaged with them but you have to because that is your job. And sometimes you don't want to play some make-believe game but you do because that's what we do. But with her I think it's been easier just to kind of leave the TV on and let them do whatever they want.

    Dad's totally in the picture.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    Oh, wow, I thought the father was completely out of the picture. Doesn't he have anything to say about his kids being out of control brats and eating crap? He needs to step up, unless it turns out he feels the same way she does.
    This is such a mess. Those kids need help!
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  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    DP. I only hit submit once!
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    What could possibly help someone who doesn't like her own kids? A pretty sad situation. And unless she's an Academy award-worthy actress, her kids will feel it eventually. If they don't already. That, plus the crap diet, could explain the tantrums. Well, that and just being a kid.

    Reminds me of Octomom. She said her own kids "disgust" her. Serial killers in the making. :(
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  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    Po wrote: »
    She needs to get a job, even if it's part-time or volunteering. I think she would feel a lot better. It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is good for her or the children.

    I agree with this. If I were a SAHM I would likely not like my kids as much either :).

    She also needs to learn to discipline them effectively. Kids are much easier to like when they are not obnoxious little turds. If one is on the spectrum then she will likely need some professional help in learning strategies that are effective. It's a whole family endeavor, really.

    How is her relationship with her husband? Can she discuss this stuff with him? Is he supportive?

    I can relate to not really liking playing or doing crafts. I don't really like doing crafts or playing princess or whatever either. And I don't feel guilty saying "no i won't play that with you, you can play it with each other or I can play X with you instead" like 95% of the time. But she should find things that she likes that her kids can do also and include them in it. At 5 and 7 they are already little people and she will be able to interact with them more and more as people and not necessarily kids but she needs to start cultivating it now.

    If you guys are close, make a date with her and let her talk to you about all this stuff. She likely has not admitted it to anyone because you just don't say that kind of thing, and I am sure that is also contributing to her depression. Even being able to really talk about it should help some. Ask lots of questions to help her think about things from different angles, give advice when she asks for it, gently. Encourage her to get into therapy also.
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  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Sorry Springcurl, but I really don't like your friend at all.


    I'm sure a lot of her attitude is related to depression as others have thought, but if you don't like kids - don't have them! It's not ok to coast and not be responsible and do your best to be a good parent for the first 7 years of your child's life because you chose to have a kid despite not liking kids.

    I was on a plane with a kid who I'm sure was on the spectrum and parents who didn't seem to like him. I think I mentioned it on this board - I was disgusted with the parents not because he got loud, but because they treated him as sub-human instead of answering his questions and anxiety in a way even I could have managed.
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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    NetG wrote: »
    I was on a plane with a kid who I'm sure was on the spectrum and parents who didn't seem to like him. I think I mentioned it on this board - I was disgusted with the parents not because he got loud, but because they treated him as sub-human instead of answering his questions and anxiety in a way even I could have managed.

    And in her case she overbuys. The girl gets a new Build-A-Bear about once a month and they go to the mall all the time to buy stuff. The boy gets new Legos and Pokemon trading cards at least once a week. She doesn't treat them badly, but I think because she feels bad about not liking them she spoils them with STUFF.
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    NetG wrote: »
    Sorry Springcurl, but I really don't like your friend at all.


    I'm sure a lot of her attitude is related to depression as others have thought, but if you don't like kids - don't have them! It's not ok to coast and not be responsible and do your best to be a good parent for the first 7 years of your child's life because you chose to have a kid despite not liking kids.

    I was on a plane with a kid who I'm sure was on the spectrum and parents who didn't seem to like him. I think I mentioned it on this board - I was disgusted with the parents not because he got loud, but because they treated him as sub-human instead of answering his questions and anxiety in a way even I could have managed.

    Yes I've seen parents treat their kids like crap(and I mean really badly) and it's apaling. They are just bad human beings. I don't like kids but I would still care for someone who is under me. And I can't imagine not liking your own.
  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Did you mention that she was depressed? Bc it definitely sounds like depression. That would be why she doesn't want to do anything with them. I cant imagine not liking your kids.

    I mean, believe me, my kids can annoy me plenty. Most days by bedtime I am done done. We don't do crafts every day. I don't get on the floor and play with them every day, all day long. There are times we play, there are times we do crafts, or read, or color, we joke around and talk a lot. And there are the times when they just watch tv and occasionally I'll say 'can you please go find something to do somewhere else? Lol. I can not be expected to engage them all day, even as a SAHM. I have plenty of other things to do.

    I agree with the statement that if your kids aren't taught to behave, they will not be likable. And thats not their fault.

    You said her kids were 5 and 7. So they're at school all day. For instance, mine get home at almost 4, by the time we do homework, I make dinner, its time for them to take baths, and then I let them read in bed. There's not much time for much else.

    Maybe she needs to work on implementing a schedule to stick to.

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  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    Can you help her? prob not.

    Can you help the kids? The best you can do is build a relationship with them so that they have a normal relationship with someone
  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Since she's got $$ I'm also going to suggest she get a mother's helper.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Springcurl wrote: »
    Since she's got $$ I'm also going to suggest she get a mother's helper.


    Like valium?


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  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    The bookstores in my area do storytime a few times a week. They listen to stories and do a craft afterwards. On the weekends theres usually a character that shows up, Curious George or the Cat in the Hat.

    Does she belong to a gym? They have 'daycare' or babysitters while she does her thing.

    She could even hire a teenage girl to come play with the kids in the afternoon while she makes dinner or whatever to help her out.


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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    iroc wrote: »
    She could even hire a teenage girl to come play with the kids in the afternoon while she makes dinner or whatever to help her out.

    That's a mother's helper. :-)
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I don't really know what's going on or if there are MH issues or what. But short-term, I would suggest she and her husband split the kids up. She takes one and he takes the other. Maybe same-sex? Or maybe she takes the more tractable child? And she should spend some quality time w/ the one child doing activities the mother finds fun, but engaging the child, too. So she can enjoy the child as part of a normal, productive, stress-free day or wknd, rather than being mentally drained by two brats, tag-teaming her and reminding her of how fulfilling her life has become.

    Then the next wknd or whatever, she and her husband switch off.

    (Two kids can be a lot harder than one. And I def enjoy mine more separately than when they are together. So I try to think of little ways, as a single parent, that I can spend time w/ them one-on-one.)

    Or if money isn't an issue, why not encourage her to take a trip somewhere alone or w/ friends to give her a chance to miss her kids.

    IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

    If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?

  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I don't really know what's going on or if there are MH issues or what. But short-term, I would suggest she and her husband split the kids up. She takes one and he takes the other. Maybe same-sex? Or maybe she takes the more tractable child? And she should spend some quality time w/ the one child doing activities the mother finds fun, but engaging the child, too. So she can enjoy the child as part of a normal, productive, stress-free day or wknd, rather than being mentally drained by two brats, tag-teaming her and reminding her of how fulfilling her life has become.

    Then the next wknd or whatever, she and her husband switch off.

    Or if money isn't an issue, why not encourage her to take a trip somewhere alone or w/ friends to give her a chance to miss her kids.

    IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

    If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?

    ^ I really hate that question.

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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    iroc wrote: »
    I don't really know what's going on or if there are MH issues or what. But short-term, I would suggest she and her husband split the kids up. She takes one and he takes the other. Maybe same-sex? Or maybe she takes the more tractable child? And she should spend some quality time w/ the one child doing activities the mother finds fun, but engaging the child, too. So she can enjoy the child as part of a normal, productive, stress-free day or wknd, rather than being mentally drained by two brats, tag-teaming her and reminding her of how fulfilling her life has become.

    Then the next wknd or whatever, she and her husband switch off.

    Or if money isn't an issue, why not encourage her to take a trip somewhere alone or w/ friends to give her a chance to miss her kids.

    IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

    If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?

    ^ I really hate that question.

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    Then don't answer it; it wasn't addressed to you.

  • LayaliLayali Posts: 561Registered Users
    Po wrote: »
    She needs to get a job, even if it's part-time or volunteering. I think she would feel a lot better. It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is good for her or the children.

    Totally agree! Being a SAHP takes a special kind of person. Someone who never wanted to have children is not that person.

    Sounds like there may be some resentment towards her kids. Since it was never her dream to have them, she might feel they are preventing her from pursuing the goals she did have.
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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

    If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?

    I think she's a lazy parent, frankly. And if you never wanted them in the first place well, then, it's even easier to just switch on the TV and go read your book or clean the house.

    The little girl just went into full day kindergarten this year and so now she's doing some volunteering... but it's at the school. Before that it was a lot of mall shopping.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Springcurl wrote: »
    iroc wrote: »
    She could even hire a teenage girl to come play with the kids in the afternoon while she makes dinner or whatever to help her out.

    That's a mother's helper. :-)

    ;)

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  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    iroc wrote: »
    I don't really know what's going on or if there are MH issues or what. But short-term, I would suggest she and her husband split the kids up. She takes one and he takes the other. Maybe same-sex? Or maybe she takes the more tractable child? And she should spend some quality time w/ the one child doing activities the mother finds fun, but engaging the child, too. So she can enjoy the child as part of a normal, productive, stress-free day or wknd, rather than being mentally drained by two brats, tag-teaming her and reminding her of how fulfilling her life has become.

    Then the next wknd or whatever, she and her husband switch off.

    Or if money isn't an issue, why not encourage her to take a trip somewhere alone or w/ friends to give her a chance to miss her kids.

    IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

    If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?

    ^ I really hate that question.

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    Then don't answer it; it wasn't addressed to you.

    Its a rude question to ask anyone.

    She's a grown woman. Unless she's asking you to borrow money, or she's employed by you, its none of anyones
    business what she does with her day.


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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Springcurl wrote: »
    IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

    If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?

    I think she's a lazy parent, frankly. And if you never wanted them in the first place well, then, it's even easier to just switch on the TV and go read your book or clean the house.

    The little girl just went into full day kindergarten this year and so now she's doing some volunteering... but it's at the school. Before that it was a lot of mall shopping.

    She sounds lazy and spoiled. She doesn't work and her kids are in school, really what is she complaining about? She should get a job then. Maybe then they can justify and afford a nanny for most of the time.
  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    I think she's a lazy parent, I don't think she's spoiled. And I don't think she's a bad person. For all the money she has, I wouldn't want her life.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • nynaeve77nynaeve77 Posts: 7,135Registered Users
    I feel bad for her kiddos. :( I think that if it were me, I'd offer to take the kids out every so often (one-on-one if they're difficult to manage together), like an honorary auntie.

    I am curious about the dad's role in all this. Does he just let mom make all the calls? Is he afraid to speak up so he doesn't upset her? Or does he just not see a problem?
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  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Springcurl wrote: »
    I think she's a lazy parent, I don't think she's spoiled. And I don't think she's a bad person. For all the money she has, I wouldn't want her life.


    I don't know how to go about making suggestions if she has the resources and isn't doing it herself. Most of my suggestions are how to do things without spending a lot of money, cause I don't have any. It seems like it would be easy to find things to do if you have the money. Unless you just don't care. And you can't make someone care.


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  • inheritedcurlsinheritedcurls Posts: 2,954Registered Users
    Josephine wrote: »
    Springcurl wrote: »
    IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

    If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?

    I think she's a lazy parent, frankly. And if you never wanted them in the first place well, then, it's even easier to just switch on the TV and go read your book or clean the house.

    The little girl just went into full day kindergarten this year and so now she's doing some volunteering... but it's at the school. Before that it was a lot of mall shopping.

    She sounds lazy and spoiled. She doesn't work and her kids are in school, really what is she complaining about? She should get a job then. Maybe then they can justify and afford a nanny for most of the time.

    Maybe she is depressed or has PPD. I think many woman can have this and not even know. She needs to see her doctor first...both she and her kids are suffering with what is happening now. I would talk to her first about her health...suggest her seeing a doctor... go from there...
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