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"In a Relationship" with somebody you have never met in person...

CanItBeChristineCanItBeChristine Posts: 6,343Registered Users
...am I a skeptic or is this common?

I am asking this not because I am being judgmental but because I'm really curious if this is something that happens often in the Internet world and becaues I'm concerned my friend is moving too fast. (Classic NC.com disclaimer!)

I recently reconnected with an old friend that I was never really close with to begin with, so there are obviously things I don't know about her. She does a lot of Match.com and OKCupid dating, which I honestly admire, because I'll talk to guys who seem great and chicken-out and never meet them. She meets a lot of guys who are traveling here on business, and at least two in the past couple of months had said they'd being willing to move here to be with her, and she had to convince one that he should stay in the same state as his children. (Thought that was weird. What kind of a man would need convincing about something like that?!)

One guy told her he had one child on their in-person date, and then she noticed on his profile it said 2. She was rationalizing it saying, "He was SO STARRY-EYED when he was talking to me...maybe he just said the wrong number?"

(I can't imagine a guy being opposite Angelina Jolie and forgetting how many children he has!)

She's been talking to a guy who is in the army and stationed out of the country. He's apparently flying-out to meet her on leave in a few weeks. They've been talking for a week-and-a-half.

She texted me last night with, "So I have a boyfriend."

He asked her to be his girlfriend, over text message, she accepted and asked if she could make it "Facebook official" (which she did) and went on to post a dozen status updates about how she's the luckiest girl in the world, finally found the right person, with his initials and hearts all over the place.

Am I being a skeptic or is she jumping-the-gun a bit????? I feel like she's setting herself up to be really disappointed.
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Comments

  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    She should watch Catfish!

  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    Sounds like she has a pattern of choosing guys who are long-distance or otherwise unavailable for an actual in-person relationship.

    Consciously or unconsciously, she must be getting something out of it. It's certainly an easy thing to fall into because on-line or over text it is easy to present an "improved" version of yourself and also easy to fall for the "improved" version of someone else.
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  • sarah42sarah42 Posts: 4,034Registered Users
    I think that's crazy.
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  • annabananaliseannabananalise Posts: 1,913Registered Users
    Jumping the gun is an understatement.

    Ya she should watch Catfish.

    I want some catfish :(
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    I'd be concerned for her overall emotional and mental stability.
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  • iBellaMorenaiBellaMorena Posts: 5Registered Users
    Yeah. I would be skeptical. With all of the lies on the internet and you are never sure the person is who they claim. She should ask for a Skype session if she hasn't already.

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  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    She should watch Catfish!


    HA!!! I came in to say the same thing!! :thumbleft:
  • NejNej Posts: 2,444Registered Users
    I think it's strange. I tend to meet people pretty quickly if I meet them online. I'm surprised how many people have emotionally invested in me before we've even met! It's like dude! You don't know me!!
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    geeky wrote: »
    Sounds like she has a pattern of choosing guys who are long-distance or otherwise unavailable for an actual in-person relationship.

    Consciously or unconsciously, she must be getting something out of it. It's certainly an easy thing to fall into because on-line or over text it is easy to present an "improved" version of yourself and also easy to fall for the "improved" version of someone else.

    Yes, I had a friend that always had long distance relationships. Most of them she's just met once through a friend. Her last 'boyfriend' was one she never met in person. She was introduced online or phone through a friend and they talked everyday for almost 3 years. She was heartbroken when it ended and very bitter for a long time. They had an emotional relationship(so I heard some athlete admitted to this and it was on espn news yesterday) but I do believe there is something wrong with that when you are expecting it and defining to be something more.
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    This friend doesn't have much self esteem, does she?

    As geeky pointed out, it sounds like a pattern of looking for men who are unavailable. And desperation at the same time.

    When I had a long distance relationship it was someone I met through a mutual friend and we talked constantly, for about a month and a half (maybe more, maybe less - I'm guessing because I don't remember) before we met in person. I still didn't consider it being in a relationship until after we'd met in person a couple times.

    I wouldn't judge her for this, but the situation itself is certainly one indicating she has some emotional issues to work out for herself. She could absolutely fall in love with a member of the military at a distance; to me that's not the part that's in question. The repeated distance and the immediate jumping on the love train are both warning signs that there's something going on with her which has nothing to do with him. Members of the military (both genders) or anyone who is isolated from their family/friends/home in a stressful or boring situation can have a tendency toward more immediate intimacy just as a result of the situation, so it doesn't necessarily raise red flags to me about the guy.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

    Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

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  • dee-naturedee-nature Posts: 630Registered Users
    She should watch Catfish!
    PERFECT ANSWER. I agree with this


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  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users
    Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

    Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

    i was reading through to see if anyone mentioned this.

    i don't think anyone is in a real romantic relationship with someone they've never SEEN in person and TALKED to over the phone, alot. there should be skyping, talking and some in person visits before you can say you're a real couple. if the person does not really exist you can't have a relationship. plain and simple.

    *** eta...i will say one of my best friends in the whole world i met on here. she lives in another state. we became friends after a thread, that lead to a pm that lead to many emails, phone conversations, becoming fb friends, sharing pictures and so on. we finally met in person after like 2-3 years. it was funny, everything was exactly as we'd both said, we hung out for a weekend and then resumed our friendship via emails and talking like always. it is a real friendship because neither of us were lying, it was pretty verifable we're both real people and friendships don't necessarily require the same level of in person contact that a romantic relationship would in my opinion. ***
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

    Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

    i was reading through to see if anyone mentioned this.

    i don't think anyone is in a real romantic relationship with someone they've never SEEN in person and TALKED to over the phone, alot. there should be skyping, talking and some in person visits before you can say you're a real couple. if the person does not really exist you can't have a relationship. plain and simple.

    *** eta...i will say one of my best friends in the whole world i met on here. she lived in another state. we became friends after a thread, that lead to a pm that lead to many emails, phone conversations, becoming fb friends, sharing pictures and so on. we finally met in person after like 2-3 years. it was funny, everything was exactly as we'd both said, we hung out for a weekend and then resumed our friendship via emails and talking like always. it is a real friendship because neither of us were lying, it was pretty verifable we're both real people and friendships don't necessarily require the same level of in person contact that a romantic relationship would in my opinion. ***

    And I think it's a bit different for platonic friends vs a romantic relationship bc in the latter, you kinda need there to be some sexual chemistry which you can't guage in emails, etc.

    But w/ a platonic friend, I obviously don't care and how you look and carry yourself wouldn't matter that much me.

  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    I've met a few people on this board and an unrelated one that I consider friends. I think it is different like Spiderlashes said, the chemistry element is not an issue in friendships. I think another difference is that I and most people I know don't go on message boards to hook up with people or to sell themselves to anyone, so most people (and yeah, there are troll/alias exceptions) tend to represent themselves in a pretty straightforward manner. So when relationships develop it tends to be in a pretty normal, organic way.

    I will say that even with my platonic friends when I met them IRL, it took a little while to get used to how they look and how they sound because my mentla picture was always a little different. It did not impact the friendship, but I could see how it would totally impact a romantic/sexual relationship
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
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    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    Even if you assume that everything the person has told you is true, and every picture is actually them, and you've talked on the phone, and even video-chatted, I don't personally believe someone can really be in a romantic relationship (meaning a "more than just platonic friends" relationship) without having met in person. I think there are certain aspects that are not measurable or quantifiable about how we as human beings behave, act, smell, touch each other (or don't touch each other), the little ticks we do that we don't even notice, etc. that play too large a role in who a person truly is, to make it possible for that romance to truly develop without meeting in person.

    I do think people can become emotionally invested, and even love someone, and friendship in this way I think is totally possible. But I don't think you can fall IN love, or have a more-than-platonic relationship with someone you've never met. There are aspects of a romantic life partner that are different than friendship aspects (and I don't mean sex), that I just can't be explored via other means of communication...these are the things that we just can't put into words.
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  • CurlyBeauty_JayCurlyBeauty_Jay Posts: 35Registered Users
    She should watch Catfish!

    My thought exactly!
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

    Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

    I guess so, he was lied to but why is this news? I don't understand why we need to know about this at all?? People get tricked/duped sometimes. It sucks but what's the point of announcing it to the world?
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    Josephine wrote: »
    Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

    Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

    I guess so, he was lied to but why is this news? I don't understand why we need to know about this at all?? People get tricked/duped sometimes. It sucks but what's the point of announcing it to the world?

    I'm under the impression there's a good chance that he wasn't actually tricked but was part of the hoax in order to get publicity?
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users
    I have mixed emotions on this. It worries me as well, and fOr myself, it's a giant NO! My best friend has different feelings about it. He does a hefty amount of on line chatting. This is how he met the guy he is currently involved with. They have been talking, non stop, for a few months now. It moved from on line, to text and telephone calls. Until a few weeks ago, they had never met in person. They have spent 2 days around each other, and at this point they are in a relationship and both are "in love". This makes me nervous. The guy lives 6 hours away. As many know, 'long distance' has it's own set of issues.

    I can however understand that they have built a mental connection first. This guy does seem to be who he says he is, so far. What the future holds, we shall see. I have tried to keep an open mind and remain supportive YET honest.

    I think there are many dangers in establishing a relationship, and the L word, with someone you have spent no time (or 48 hours) face to face with.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    Josephine wrote: »
    Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

    Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

    I guess so, he was lied to but why is this news? I don't understand why we need to know about this at all?? People get tricked/duped sometimes. It sucks but what's the point of announcing it to the world?

    I'm under the impression there's a good chance that he wasn't actually tricked but was part of the hoax in order to get publicity?

    Okay, so just making sure, this is for publicity - whether he's in on it or not. It's just annoying that this stuff makes news. I know it does when other famous pointless people do so(paris hilton, kim k, etc) but was surprised an athlete is trying to get fame this way.

    I read an article on it and this is the funniest reply ever
    "This is kind of like when Jan Brady dated George Glass on the Brady Bunch"

    LOL
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    there's the chemistry issue You can be perfect in every way, but no attraction. Sometimes you feel attraction, until you kiss and there's nothing . Chemistry isn't predicable.

    Compatible physical affection needs are very important. I don't' mean just sex, I mean cuddling, touching in general, kissing, hugging, etc. Some people like a lot, some people don't. If you're too different, you're going to drive each other crazy, or miserable. Since people tend to be more affectionate a the beginning of a relationship, it's kinda hard to predict if it's going to be right down the road after the hormones calm down. I think it would be too easy to get emotionally attached before you know some very vital things.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I agree (w/ Fifi...forgot to quote). One or two mtgs does not a relationship make. You have to learn the person. The real person. Not just the "persona" they are spoonfeeding you in emails. There is so much you miss when you don't spend face time w/ someone on a regular basis in a variety of settings.

  • naaomiijnaaomiij Posts: 23Registered Users
    My boyfriend and I started dating before we met in person, a friend introduced us. We did Skype a lot and he visited me 2-3 months in to our relationship, then I visited him for a month about 6 months in. We've been together for almost a year and a half and I live with him now and am happier than ever. I do believe you can get to know someone if you really talk to them. However, this sounds like she's jumping the gun a bit. I became friends with my boyfriend before either of us said anything about liking one another. It was important to me, I feel that it helps a lot in my opinion versus just looking to date. If that makes sense?

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  • coilynappcoilynapp Posts: 4,233Registered Users
    My dear sister is in one of these. I just roll my eyes. She's not very good at picking partners honestly.
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  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users
    I agree (w/ Fifi...forgot to quote). One or two mtgs does not a relationship make. You have to learn the person. The real person. Not just the "persona" they are spoonfeeding you in emails. There is so much you miss when you don't spend face time w/ someone on a regular basis in a variety of settings.

    Absolutely. Spending time face to face is so very important. Not just what a person says, but how they say it, is important. You have to see them to fully be able to read them.

    I worry that the physical interaction will be lacking, and thats not just "gettin' physical". lol. Though that is a part of relationships.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Josephine wrote: »
    Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

    Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

    I guess so, he was lied to but why is this news? I don't understand why we need to know about this at all?? People get tricked/duped sometimes. It sucks but what's the point of announcing it to the world?
    In the age of the Internet and 24-hour news channels, the definition of news has changed quite a bit.

    I honestly don't really understand the details, the more I read. I just looked at another article about the matter but couldn't finish it. I wouldn't be totally surprised to hear Manti Te'o is in on the hoax. But it is a lame way to get your 15 minutes.
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

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  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    Josephine wrote: »
    Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

    Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

    I guess so, he was lied to but why is this news? I don't understand why we need to know about this at all?? People get tricked/duped sometimes. It sucks but what's the point of announcing it to the world?

    I'm under the impression there's a good chance that he wasn't actually tricked but was part of the hoax in order to get publicity?

    It's not just for 15 minutes of fame in this case, though, if Manti is involved. It is for publicity which was part of his campaign for the Heisman - more name recognition, etc., and more chance to make millions straight out of college. It's gone from a joke hoax to attempting to manipulate emotions to get millions out of it. Heck, it was that even if he was deceived, which I doubt given how contradictory stories were... and I think his parents were in on it, too. His father gave too many statements as if he had met this girl when he really didn't to think he was oblivious to it all.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Funny photo my former manager put in fb(he went to Alabama)

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  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,937Registered Users
    It doesn't sound like your friend even really WANTS a "real" in-person relationship so for the level of attention/commitment she's looking for, this is "real" enough for her.

    There are people (immature, insecure people) who thrive the drama of meeting someone new, dating long-distance, "falling in love," dramatic "break ups" - but they don't really want to sustain a REAL relationship. They even like the version of themselves they get to present to these people who don't really know them. If that's what she's looking for, she's probably found about the best way of doing it. Chances are, she's finding guys who are looking for about the same thing.
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