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White Adoptive Mom's Hair Rant

adthomasadthomas Posts: 5,525Registered Users
This is a rant from a white woman who adopted a black child from Africa and is constantly getting unsolicited advice and criticism from black women. I'm glad this mom is standing up for herself. And just because a black child has a black mother doesn't mean the mother knows how to care for her hair. I see black moms slapping relaxers and weave in their young kids' hair. I've seen an infant with a braid extensions and beads. I do think she was a little too broad in saying all black women don't like to see children with afros. I don't know why she engages the critics. I would just tell them "mind your business" and keep it moving.


Dear Black Women Giving Me Hair Advice about My African Daughter: Please Stop
Yes, it's real. No, you can't touch it. :wav:
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Comments

  • coilynappcoilynapp Posts: 4,233Registered Users
    Her daughter is so cute! And her hair is gorgeous. These black women need to STFU. We know how among us there are many (definitely not all black women) who just cringe at the sight of kinky hair. It's so unfortunate. Frankly, these women need to keep their hate to themselves and mind their own business. Just because the lady is white doesn't mean she doesn't know how to take care of her baby's hair--she did her own research and is doing a marvelous job. These same women will have babies who have edges starting behind the ear because they are so busy slapping a relaxer on their baby's head to get the kink out. SMDH
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  • ss40ss40 Posts: 1,790Registered Users
    Honestly I know Black women who can't do their little Black girl's hair & folks stare, hate, & offer unsolicited advice. It won't stop whether you are white or not. She needs to learn to snap back on those people & keep it moving.

    That little girl's hair is cute regardless of the style its in.

    These are my curlfessions
    :nike:About my hair:
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  • YltnelisYltnelis Posts: 54Registered Users
    All I can say is that mother is a lot nicer than I would be to complete strangers who feel they have the right to provide me with unsolicited advice pertaining to my child. This conversation right here just had me floored:
    Cashier: What’s you name, sweet little girl?
    Naomi: Naomi
    Cashier: You sure are pretty.
    Cashier, to me: Have you ever thought of fixing her hair?
    Me: Yes, I learned how to braid and I take care of it, but it’s been braided for so long I wanted to let the parts rest a bit and give her hair a chance to be natural.
    Cashier: Well, I have been looking at it, and I can tell you don’t know what you are doing. (Then, she proceeds to give me directions to a braid shop in my hometown.)
    Cashier, to Naomi: How does your mom fix your hair normally?
    Naomi: in twists, in beads, in braids, in an afro….
    Cashier: Well, you sure are pretty, but you’d be even prettier if your mom took you to a braid shop.
    Seriously?? You are a random cashier, you don't know anything about this woman other than the fact that she is white and her daughter is black, and based on that you feel that it's your place to not only address the mother but the daughter as well. Some people have serious nerve. I understand that the mother doesn't want to act a fool in front of her child, and she doesn't want to make it obvious to her daughter that there is tension and negativity with the way some people view hair. But she has to put her foot down. Yes, as a mother you want to lead by example and not just go off on strangers, even if their behavior warrants it. But she can let them know that this is her child and they are disrespecting her boundaries when they approach her this way. You can't tell me that some of these women haven't seen black mothers who have jacked up their daughters' hair, but I bet they never say a word to them about it.
  • MsCurl83MsCurl83 Posts: 289Registered Users
    People always offer unsolicited advice about hair. But not everyone can take of someone else's hair or even their own. She is definitely doing the best she can and with what she's learned. But I would definitely check anyone with their rude comments. if you have nothing nice to say don't say it. Sometimes people open their mouths without playing the recording of their thoughts first.
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  • ss40ss40 Posts: 1,790Registered Users
    I think this mom should take a class on African American families. Those comments aren't meant to be hurtful. I think the Black people she is being approached by mean well. They see that child as a part of our community regardless of who is raising her. This mother is defensive. Who wouldn't be? But she thinks this is about her adopting a Black child. Its about her daughter becoming a Black woman. There are grown women who are natural & we know how hard it is to overcome the stares, the glass ceiling, etc. That's a reality we are challenged with. Hopefully her daughter won't have to be. But those people are trying to be helpful even though its coming out wrong.

    When I think about it, my mom couldn't do my hair sometimes & I ended up right in a hair salon from a press or getting it braided by someone else's mom. She wasn't going to have her hair looking fresh & me looking jacked up & we are both Black.

    These are my curlfessions
    :nike:About my hair:
    weekly shampoo-HE Honey I'm Strong
    daily conditioner-HE Honey I'm Strong (use as li)
    go to style-Pocahontas braids
  • adthomasadthomas Posts: 5,525Registered Users
    ss40 wrote: »
    I think this mom should take a class on African American families. Those comments aren't meant to be hurtful. I think the Black people she is being approached by mean well. They see that child as a part of our community regardless of who is raising her. This mother is defensive. Who wouldn't be? But she thinks this is about her adopting a Black child. Its about her daughter becoming a Black woman. There are grown women who are natural & we know how hard it is to overcome the stares, the glass ceiling, etc. That's a reality we are challenged with. Hopefully her daughter won't have to be. But those people are trying to be helpful even though its coming out wrong.

    When I think about it, my mom couldn't do my hair sometimes & I ended up right in a hair salon from a press or getting it braided by someone else's mom. She wasn't going to have her hair looking fresh & me looking jacked up & we are both Black.

    These are my curlfessions

    Maybe in some cases the mom is being defensive but a lot of times there is a racial overtone to the criticism and it is more harsh. I have heard black people say about white mothers with black children "she shouldn't have laid with a black man if she wasn't going to learn to do that child's hair." I have also heard people say they can't stand to see " little black kids with white moms and their hair sticking up all over their heads." Take that same hair and I don't believe these well meaning people would approach a woman they didn't know from Adam and give unsolicited hair advice if she was Moesha and not Becky. Yet only Becky needs the intervention? And I see little white kids whose hair looks a mess. Who is looking out for them? Is anybody talking to their mamas all crazy?

    My friend is a foster parent who is white and she has had two black boys in her home. I gave her advice but because she asked me.
    Yes, it's real. No, you can't touch it. :wav:
  • KilajoKilajo Posts: 786Registered Users
    I think the comments are intended to sting and be hurtful a lot of times. There are still a lot of people against transracial adoption.

    What these people say to a white mother, many won't say to a black mother if they don't know them/aren't family and many of these same people think it's just dandy to see black moms put weaves and relaxers in their 3 year olds head.

    There is this horrible mentality of any style that clearly shows traces of a child's african roots being a bad thing. My MIL was PRAISING my daughter's straightened natural hair on Christmas while at the same time praising God she didn't have "those dooky braid twists in" that she usually wears. As far as I'm concerned people with this mentality can GTFOHWTBS, including the people the writer is referring to in her blog!

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  • ricotdorothyricotdorothy Posts: 436Registered Users
    Kilajo wrote: »
    I think the comments are intended to sting and be hurtful a lot of times. There are still a lot of people against transracial adoption.

    What these people say to a white mother, many won't say to a black mother if they don't know them/aren't family and many of these same people think it's just dandy to see black moms put weaves and relaxers in their 3 year olds head.

    There is this horrible mentality of any style that clearly shows traces of a child's african roots being a bad thing. My MIL was PRAISING my daughter's straightened natural hair on Christmas while at the same time praising God she didn't have "those dooky braid twists in" that she usually wears. As far as I'm concerned people with this mentality can GTFOHWTBS, including the people the writer is referring to in her blog!

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    I Totally Agree. angry9:
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  • Always@nightAlways@night Posts: 566Registered Users
    I agree with this mom on most of her points that she mentioned, but two in particular really stood out to me.
    "The black women and white women often disagree about what looks nice on the other races hair"
    And second
    " That her daughter IS black but at the end of the day it is HER daughter"
    Firstly my mother was very creative and skilled doing my hair in its natural state as child, but being the young inpatient girl I was, I would often complain and pout about the time it took and ask her to put my hair in a "puff pony tail", which she did. I remember being at some ceremony with my mom at a table seated with black women and one white woman who had a black daughter. The white woman cooed and awed over my simple but neat pony puff and asked my mom how she got my hair so shiny sleek and thick looking, as her and my mom talked, i noticed the black women rolling their eyes and scoffing and talking amongst themselves. My mother noticed this also and simply asked what was so funny. One of the women seated with us ignored my mother and told the white woman that " she shouldn't ask hair advice from a woman that clearly didn't know how to do her own daughter's hair". Which obviously pissed my mother off... And they started arguing but anyway the white woman looked astonished and said to them that she thought my hair looked gorgeous and saw nothing wrong with it...her daughter also agreed with her that she thought my hair looked nice.
    Which just made them laugh and we ended up moving to another table.
    Looking back at this now much older I was only about 6 at the time.... I am astonished at the nerve of those women.
    I also remember getting lots of compliments from caucasians about my pony tail puff, as well as getting asked by some black women if my mom ever pressed my hair.

    But just like the mom in the article said I was my mothers daughter and as long as she was happy with my hair and I was happy with my hair what did it matter to anyone else?
    It was thick, long, and healthy.
    It really isn't/ wasn't anyone else's business was it?
    Why some people feel the need to give their two cents about something that has nothing to do with them is beyond me.
    I am aware that some people actually have good intentions when giving others hair care advice they aren't seeking. But i suppose it all depends on how that person responds to the "helpful advice" they are receiving.
  • honeysweet20honeysweet20 Posts: 361Registered Users
    what if many black people adopted European white babies? tis all I got. Anyway the people who are complaining about a white woman adopting an african baby but not keeping her hair laid, gets the side eye from me, because why are you so focused on the little well cared for, going to have a chance at education, possibly a loving home, toys, clothes, good health, having little girl? and out of alllll the things to complain about, you choose hair????? Seriously? Are you adopting african babies left and right? Well are you? That's right the majority of these complaining black women aren't. So hurshh:afro: and let the little black girl hair breeave
  • ss40ss40 Posts: 1,790Registered Users
    I wasn't taught to think the worst of ppl so I assume they are showing a level if concern. Also case in point, there ate plenty of Black women who will quickly educate other black women they don't know about their Child's hair.

    These are my curlfessions
    :nike:About my hair:
    weekly shampoo-HE Honey I'm Strong
    daily conditioner-HE Honey I'm Strong (use as li)
    go to style-Pocahontas braids
  • KilajoKilajo Posts: 786Registered Users
    I think it's pretty obvious that these comments are intended to hurt. I never said in every case. There may very well be situations where a person is concerned and would tell a black mother the same thing. However, I hear of situations all the time where white mothers are told how to do their black child's hair, but at least around this area, I never hear anyone complain about a 2 or 3 year old having her hair braided up in extensions or getting a "perm."

    Anyway, it also is not really a matter of whether a person's mother teaches her to see the best in people--but to your point my mother taught me to see the best in people as well, but when looking not to look through rose-colored glasses.
  • ss40ss40 Posts: 1,790Registered Users
    I wasn't directing my comment at you. I was directing it at the author of the blog. The white mother. She automatically went to a place of defense. She acts like everyone should be grateful that she adopted a little black girl. As if only someone in her shoes can comment on that child's hair. For all she knows those same white ppl who love her daughter's hair could be laughing at her behind her back. We don't know. I respect someone who's willing to give input instead of staring like a nutcase. Even if what they say is mean. I get the vibe that this woman is defensive simply because she adopted a little black girl.

    In short if you can't take the heat don't adopt. Because we all know the reality of our society, right or wrong, is what it is. She won't change that with a rant. If she wanted to change that she would have been more assertive with those people who approached her.

    These are my curlfessions
    :nike:About my hair:
    weekly shampoo-HE Honey I'm Strong
    daily conditioner-HE Honey I'm Strong (use as li)
    go to style-Pocahontas braids
  • ss40ss40 Posts: 1,790Registered Users
    Read her other blog posts. She's on that bs. I was more sympathetic until I read a little more.

    These are my curlfessions
    :nike:About my hair:
    weekly shampoo-HE Honey I'm Strong
    daily conditioner-HE Honey I'm Strong (use as li)
    go to style-Pocahontas braids
  • KilajoKilajo Posts: 786Registered Users
    Oh, ok, I thought it was directed at me. I apologize for making that assumption.

    I now live in a town, that is very different than how/where I grew up. Amongst so many other ignorant comments I've heard so many times, comments such as, "what she gonna do if that kid has nappy hair," in regards to a woman expecting a biracial child, or "what she want to adopt that black baby for." I also hear about a mom that adopted a biracial child, that she doesn't know how to do the child's hair. This little girl has the most beautiful curly hair. Once she wore it out and I complimented her. My MIL's response was, "now why you go and tell that girl her hair's pretty...you know it's a mess." This was said in front of the child, who is 4.

    These comments don't come from a place of concern. They really are meant to hurt. So, I admit, I'm looking at this from a different place and from my own experiences. I see exactly what the writer is saying based on what I've seen myself in this environment.

    So anyway perhaps if I had never experienced this place, I would have very similar views to yours. I don't know. I just see what this mother is saying and I can see why she's defensive. I'd be pissed too if I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's best for my child's hair and a lot of people criticize what I do with her hair, especially knowing there are black mother's (perhaps the same ones commenting) that aren't practicing the best hair care techniques for their daughter.
  • ricotdorothyricotdorothy Posts: 436Registered Users
    Kilajo wrote: »
    Oh, ok, I thought it was directed at me. I apologize for making that assumption.

    I now live in a town, that is very different than how/where I grew up. Amongst so many other ignorant comments I've heard so many times, comments such as, "what she gonna do if that kid has nappy hair," in regards to a woman expecting a biracial child, or "what she want to adopt that black baby for." I also hear about a mom that adopted a biracial child, that she doesn't know how to do the child's hair. This little girl has the most beautiful curly hair. Once she wore it out and I complimented her. My MIL's response was, "now why you go and tell that girl her hair's pretty...you know it's a mess." This was said in front of the child, who is 4.

    These comments don't come from a place of concern. They really are meant to hurt. So, I admit, I'm looking at this from a different place and from my own experiences. I see exactly what the writer is saying based on what I've seen myself in this environment.

    So anyway perhaps if I had never experienced this place, I would have very similar views to yours. I don't know. I just see what this mother is saying and I can see why she's defensive. I'd be pissed too if I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's best for my child's hair and a lot of people criticize what I do with her hair, especially knowing there are black mother's (perhaps the same ones commenting) that aren't practicing the best hair care techniques for their daughter.

    I agree with this also. Out while displaying the natural curl pattern- is NOT a mess.:protest: That does not indicate a lack of proper hair care. What does indicate a lack of proper care is dryness, breakage, over processing, over manipulation and rough handling. The presence of this very website is all about this.
    [FONT=&quot]
    SL
    ~APL~BSB~BSL~MBL~[/FONT][FONT=&quot]WL [/FONT]

    You never stop learning... :color:
  • KilajoKilajo Posts: 786Registered Users
    Ugh, I just read some of her other posts. Her problem is not her daughter's hair, her ability to do it or black women commenting on that ability or lack thereof. She's raising this child to be a conservative Republican and hangs out with Bristol Palin and Mitt Romney!!! Poor baby!
  • ricotdorothyricotdorothy Posts: 436Registered Users
    Kilajo wrote: »
    Ugh, I just read some of her other posts. Her problem is not her daughter's hair, her ability to do it or black women commenting on that ability or lack thereof. She's raising this child to be a conservative Republican and hangs out with Bristol Palin and Mitt Romney!!! Poor baby!

    Wow, really?! *Falls over dead* LeSigh. I am without words.:sad1:
    [FONT=&quot]
    SL
    ~APL~BSB~BSL~MBL~[/FONT][FONT=&quot]WL [/FONT]

    You never stop learning... :color:
  • KilajoKilajo Posts: 786Registered Users
    Kilajo wrote: »
    Oh, ok, I thought it was directed at me. I apologize for making that assumption.

    I now live in a town, that is very different than how/where I grew up. Amongst so many other ignorant comments I've heard so many times, comments such as, "what she gonna do if that kid has nappy hair," in regards to a woman expecting a biracial child, or "what she want to adopt that black baby for." I also hear about a mom that adopted a biracial child, that she doesn't know how to do the child's hair. This little girl has the most beautiful curly hair. Once she wore it out and I complimented her. My MIL's response was, "now why you go and tell that girl her hair's pretty...you know it's a mess." This was said in front of the child, who is 4.

    These comments don't come from a place of concern. They really are meant to hurt. So, I admit, I'm looking at this from a different place and from my own experiences. I see exactly what the writer is saying based on what I've seen myself in this environment.

    So anyway perhaps if I had never experienced this place, I would have very similar views to yours. I don't know. I just see what this mother is saying and I can see why she's defensive. I'd be pissed too if I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's best for my child's hair and a lot of people criticize what I do with her hair, especially knowing there are black mother's (perhaps the same ones commenting) that aren't practicing the best hair care techniques for their daughter.

    I agree with this also. Out while displaying the natural curl pattern- is NOT a mess.:protest: That does not indicate a lack of proper hair care. What does indicate a lack of proper care is dryness, breakage, over processing, over manipulation and rough handling. The presence of this very website is all about this.

    Right! I wish you could tell my MIL that so she would know I'm not the only one out there that thinks natural hair is beautiful and certainly not a "mess" when out!!
  • ss40ss40 Posts: 1,790Registered Users
    Kilajo wrote: »
    Kilajo wrote: »
    Oh, ok, I thought it was directed at me. I apologize for making that assumption.

    I now live in a town, that is very different than how/where I grew up. Amongst so many other ignorant comments I've heard so many times, comments such as, "what she gonna do if that kid has nappy hair," in regards to a woman expecting a biracial child, or "what she want to adopt that black baby for." I also hear about a mom that adopted a biracial child, that she doesn't know how to do the child's hair. This little girl has the most beautiful curly hair. Once she wore it out and I complimented her. My MIL's response was, "now why you go and tell that girl her hair's pretty...you know it's a mess." This was said in front of the child, who is 4.

    These comments don't come from a place of concern. They really are meant to hurt. So, I admit, I'm looking at this from a different place and from my own experiences. I see exactly what the writer is saying based on what I've seen myself in this environment.

    So anyway perhaps if I had never experienced this place, I would have very similar views to yours. I don't know. I just see what this mother is saying and I can see why she's defensive. I'd be pissed too if I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's best for my child's hair and a lot of people criticize what I do with her hair, especially knowing there are black mother's (perhaps the same ones commenting) that aren't practicing the best hair care techniques for their daughter.

    I agree with this also. Out while displaying the natural curl pattern- is NOT a mess.:protest: That does not indicate a lack of proper hair care. What does indicate a lack of proper care is dryness, breakage, over processing, over manipulation and rough handling. The presence of this very website is all about this.

    Right! I wish you could tell my MIL that so she would know I'm not the only one out there that thinks natural hair is beautiful and certainly not a "mess" when out!!

    I agree. I was told I would run back to the creamy crack when I told family members I was going natural. I have the you're of family who said don't Curr my sons hair because it'll grow back nappy! Wth. I tell folks I know well what to do with their baby's hair because they're clueless talking about Vaseline & water & soon a perm & wondering why it won't grow. It annoys me. Yes I know crazy very well & they are still stuck on the "good hair issue". Hate to say it but they are ignorant. Not mean though they just don't know they are contributing to a poor self image.

    Someone just told someone else I know in a nice round about way she should straighten her hair if she's not going to maintain it while its natural. She's never said that to me. She wasn't being mean she was being critical because she was tired of seeing the style. I did a twistout on her hair & its healthier than mine. Folks just talk but they don't always say much.

    These are my curlfessions
    :nike:About my hair:
    weekly shampoo-HE Honey I'm Strong
    daily conditioner-HE Honey I'm Strong (use as li)
    go to style-Pocahontas braids
  • KorkscrewKorkscrew Posts: 1,834Registered Users
    People on both sides annoy the &**t out of me sometimes lol ...

    On the one hand, yeah, this white lady and some others actually seem to embrace their adopted kid's natural hair by allowing the kid to walk around showing off the hair that God gave her (And it's sad that doing that is considered so radical). But on the other hand, you have some whites who contribute to the problem. I recall being babysat by a white lady who would take my sister's 3c/4a hair and do unholy things to it, practically ripping it all out of her skull to try and "tame" it. She wanted it straight so it would look "pretty" :rolleyes: And that lady was never satisfied that my hair wasn't straight and was unhappy w/it because it's as thick as a forest.

    On the other side, thank God for our growing curly movement, where black and non-black people very much treat natural hair as beautiful and sacred, because obviously it is and always was. ... Then again, you have people like my Mom, who is mostly black but is from the Old School of West Indian culture and has one basic belief that has informed her hair "care". She believes Africa isn't a continent - it's a jungle. Best to avoid anything associated with Africa, including black hair, including her own. Instead, she plays up her limited English ancestry and makes her "nappy hair" "presentable" by pressing it.

    Unsolicited crap advice to tame curly/coily hair comes from all sides IMO, but I think it often (but not always) stems from a single source: Colonialism and the resulting racism. Some white people still think everything should be a reflection of their image, and so they become angry or repulsed when someone dares to not have straight hair. And then some black people internalize that white racism and feel shame when seeing natural hair on themselves or others. It makes some so anxious they try and control it with "advice" IMO.
  • LovemenappyLovemenappy Posts: 332Registered Users
    Sooooooo......does she also have an issue with white mom's giving her hair care advice? Obviously not.

    Having experience with a lot of these mom's (white women who adopt African children), I understand where she's coming from, and I mostly don't sympathize. I understand getting unsolicited advice can get annoying and even offensive, but with the exception of a few incidents she mentioned, I don't believe even THE MAJORITY of these women had malevolent intentions. Many of these white adoptive moms will be of the Republican "I am colorblind" ilk. While it is NOT the place of these women to try and tell the white mom how to take care of her child's hair, you have to start SOMEWHERE. Yes, a lot of "us" dont know how to take care of our hair ourselves, but black women generally know....something. A good portion of white people are still surprised that we don't have to wash our hair on a daily bases. Natural hair is a mystery to many black women so it's sure, and expected, to be an anomaly to a white woman. I don't think that's an unfair assumption.

    Quite frankly I believe half of her frustration and resentment is due to the fact that many of the people offering her advice ARE black women. That's not to say that these black women don't have their own racial hiccups...they may...my point is that by the nature of her article.....she does too. I don't believe she would have been offended if the people offering her advice were white moms with black children. I believe she stated that a few of the black women recommended websites to her and styling advice etc? Ok. Then she talks about how she found a wonderful site for "white moms with black kids" on managing hair. Ok. I guarantee you that website has cumulated advice from various natural hair websites. I'm not trivializing her experience, but I am taking into consideration the perspective that it's coming from.

    One thing I have noticed, and this may be just my experience, but white moms with biological biracial children (if they are interested in their child's hair) are more receptive to advice no matter WHO it comes from (black white or whatever). White women who have simply adopted transracially are less likely and rather get advice within their "clique". They have their own websites, their own hair accessory websites (they dont go get beads and satin caps from the BSS), their own hair groups, and they are almost always receptive to advice that comes from "their clique" exclusively. They'll lurk and take tips from black natural hair sites all day long...and share them in their groups and websites as their own, but they will never join those natural hair groups or participate. Maybe they feel like they are being judged (most likely), unfairly....I understand....but the reason I don't sympathize with her is because I feel like in the majority of these situations, her issue is WHO is offering her advice.....
  • KorkscrewKorkscrew Posts: 1,834Registered Users
    I don't believe she would have been offended if the people offering her advice were white moms with black children.

    I don't doubt for a moment that some white moms w/black children devalue black women's opinions out of a racist instinct. And what's also true is that some black women have delivered "hair advice" to white women (for their black children) in a racially-tinged, rude way, making them fearful of any future hair advice from black women.

    And yeah, the inverse is also true: Sometimes it only takes one white lady spewing some racist ish to a black lady, for that black lady to stop entertaining white opinions. Avoidance of a whole group isn't the answer in either case. Am just being descriptive here.

    God bless American - one of the greatest, most racially charged empires on earth :boxing: ... I've always felt blacks and whites in particular, have a love-hate relationship full of drama.
  • NvmbrCurlssNvmbrCurlss Posts: 732Registered Users
    I'm a caseworker, foster and adoptive. I want to keep this short:

    There are not always African American homes available when an African American child needs placement. I encourage any curly who reads this post to consider foster care/adoption for this very curly reason. Furthermore, I am African American and I have Caucasian adoptive parents. My mother washed and conditioned my hair once per week, and left it alone cuz she did NOT have a CLUE. Ironically my hair was at its thickest, longest and freshest, done this exact way :)

    I would encourage this adoptive mother to keep pulling up her big girl pants, cuz racial criticism is alive and well. It will always be her job to protect her girls in a way their bio mother could not. A simple "I'm not seeking hair advice" (exit here), BEFORE the unsolicited comments take full form should suffice.
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  • Angels3Angels3 Posts: 25Registered Users
    Sooooooo......does she also have an issue with white mom's giving her hair care advice? Obviously not.

    Having experience with a lot of these mom's (white women who adopt African children), I understand where she's coming from, and I mostly don't sympathize. I understand getting unsolicited advice can get annoying and even offensive, but with the exception of a few incidents she mentioned, I don't believe even THE MAJORITY of these women had malevolent intentions. Many of these white adoptive moms will be of the Republican "I am colorblind" ilk. While it is NOT the place of these women to try and tell the white mom how to take care of her child's hair, you have to start SOMEWHERE. Yes, a lot of "us" dont know how to take care of our hair ourselves, but black women generally know....something. A good portion of white people are still surprised that we don't have to wash our hair on a daily bases. Natural hair is a mystery to many black women so it's sure, and expected, to be an anomaly to a white woman. I don't think that's an unfair assumption.

    Quite frankly I believe half of her frustration and resentment is due to the fact that many of the people offering her advice ARE black women. That's not to say that these black women don't have their own racial hiccups...they may...my point is that by the nature of her article.....she does too. I don't believe she would have been offended if the people offering her advice were white moms with black children. I believe she stated that a few of the black women recommended websites to her and styling advice etc? Ok. Then she talks about how she found a wonderful site for "white moms with black kids" on managing hair. Ok. I guarantee you that website has cumulated advice from various natural hair websites. I'm not trivializing her experience, but I am taking into consideration the perspective that it's coming from.

    One thing I have noticed, and this may be just my experience, but white moms with biological biracial children (if they are interested in their child's hair) are more receptive to advice no matter WHO it comes from (black white or whatever). White women who have simply adopted transracially are less likely and rather get advice within their "clique". They have their own websites, their own hair accessory websites (they dont go get beads and satin caps from the BSS), their own hair groups, and they are almost always receptive to advice that comes from "their clique" exclusively. They'll lurk and take tips from black natural hair sites all day long...and share them in their groups and websites as their own, but they will never join those natural hair groups or participate. Maybe they feel like they are being judged (most likely), unfairly....I understand....but the reason I don't sympathize with her is because I feel like in the majority of these situations, her issue is WHO is offering her advice.....

    I have to disagree, a majority of these intentions ARE coming from a negative perspective. Yes a few seem very polite and helpful but most of the comments are coming from women who have probably been raised to hate their natural hair texture and to conform to society's view as beautiful (long,straight hair). It gets tricky from here but I do get the feeling that most of these women see this lady as an outsider who is making the black culture look bad by not conforming to society's standards. You blame her for not being comfortable asking black women for advice. If a specific group of people are constantly berating you for doing something wrong (in their eyes) of course your not going to ask for their advice! For the most part this lady may believe black women look down on her for what shes doing, its not something you can let go and ignore easily. These white women, black child websites are hardly made because these women think they're better then black hair sites, its because its some place they can go without the fear of being looked at as an outsider. And most of the advice these women gave from the article is complete trash. This is the same advice these kinds of women gave to my white mother and it destroyed my hair. Its sad that people look down on others for trival things like that.. Gotta love our society.
  • coilynappcoilynapp Posts: 4,233Registered Users
    I'm really confused about why it's so hard to conceive that these comments were not from a place of helping but a place of negativity. I mean come on! We see this kind of behavior from black to black women ALL.THE.TIME.

    You give unsolicited advice when you think there is something wrong, or someone is doing something in a way that you wouldn't do. There is nothing wrong with the way this mother does her dd's hair.

    When black women use the phrase "have you ever thought about FIXING that hair" that is a negative comment. The lady has done her research, she does her dd's hair beautifully why would she need to "fix" that hair? Because it's kinky and not relaxed? Because she lets her daughter be proud of her natural curls and kinks? I bet you the ladies who were "giving her advice" had a relaxer on (or straight weave or lace front). No matter who was telling me that, I would be offended.

    I mean, look at what they did to Gabby not too long ago for some halo fuzz after she won a Gold Medal. Seriously.


    /end rant.

    ETA: She says that this only happens when she goes out with her dd and her hair is in an afro. If this was "just helping" it would happen when her hair was in braids/twists as well as ponies. All the time. Not just when the girl's hair is out.
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  • NinjaretteNinjarette Posts: 3,982Registered Users
    oops...duplicate post
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  • NinjaretteNinjarette Posts: 3,982Registered Users
    adthomas wrote: »
    Maybe in some cases the mom is being defensive but a lot of times there is a racial overtone to the criticism and it is more harsh. I have heard black people say about white mothers with black children "she shouldn't have laid with a black man if she wasn't going to learn to do that child's hair." I have also heard people say they can't stand to see " little black kids with white moms and their hair sticking up all over their heads." Take that same hair and I don't believe these well meaning people would approach a woman they didn't know from Adam and give unsolicited hair advice if she was Moesha and not Becky. Yet only Becky needs the intervention? And I see little white kids whose hair looks a mess. Who is looking out for them? Is anybody talking to their mamas all crazy?

    My friend is a foster parent who is white and she has had two black boys in her home. I gave her advice but because she asked me.

    This. All of it.
    I'm black, and I don't just walk up to folks and start giving advice to people...doesn't matter what the motivation may be behind wanting to do so. It's rude and out of order. With all the jacked up kids' heads (those with black mothers) I see, too many of us need to have seats.
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  • NinjaretteNinjarette Posts: 3,982Registered Users
    coilynapp wrote: »
    I'm really confused about why it's so hard to conceive that these comments were not from a place of helping but a place of negativity. I mean come on! We see this kind of behavior from black to black women ALL.THE.TIME.

    You give unsolicited advice when you think there is something wrong, or someone is doing something in a way that you wouldn't do. There is nothing wrong with the way this mother does her dd's hair.

    When black women use the phrase "have you ever thought about FIXING that hair" that is a negative comment. The lady has done her research, she does her dd's hair beautifully why would she need to "fix" that hair? Because it's kinky and not relaxed? Because she lets her daughter be proud of her natural curls and kinks? I bet you the ladies who were "giving her advice" had a relaxer on (or straight weave or lace front). No matter who was telling me that, I would be offended.

    I mean, look at what they did to Gabby not too long ago for some halo fuzz after she won a Gold Medal. Seriously.


    /end rant.

    ETA: She says that this only happens when she goes out with her dd and her hair is in an afro. If this was "just helping" it would happen when her hair was in braids/twists as well as ponies. All the time. Not just when the girl's hair is out.

    Totally agree with this. Bottom line is you shouldn't go around giving unsolicited advice to STRANGERS (especially)...period. If you start there, you can pretty much not have to worry about your motives being suspect. IF you decide to go against that general rule, you open yourself up to all the side eye that's coming your way, because your manners are missing. SImple as that. All the "She COULD have meant...." is irrelevant. We don't know what was behind the advice, but we all know that unsolicitated advice is USUALLY not received well. That's all anyone needs to know when deciding whether or not to tell somebody something they didn't ask to be told.

    It reminds me of the whole Zahara Jolie-Pitt situation, where black women were all up in arms about Zahara's hair "looking dry" and "raggedy". Give me a break.
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  • coilynappcoilynapp Posts: 4,233Registered Users
    ^^ITA. Not only is unsolicited advice not usually received well, unsolicited advice is often (I really would say always) laden with judgement.

    You can't blame this mum for reacting the way she did ESPECIALLY after noticing that the "advice" comes only when her dd is sporting a cute a$$ afro. COME ON!!!!!!! No need to make assumptions there...we already know why she is getting "advice". And yes, she would react the same way if it were white women saying the same thing--the thing is, white women wouldn't tell her anything about her girl's afro...

    Why do people think it's ok to just go giving "advice" without being asked. I've never understood this. I can be in an isle shopping but I WILL NOT DARE tell someone anything about what they should get if they are looking at the same things as me unless they ask me. And unsolicited advice always irks me...I mean, who asked you? Thanks.
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