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Would you be okay with this?

NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
Your SO maintaining a friendship with an ex, and seeing them occasionally (occasionally as in two or three times a year)?
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
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  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users
    Yes, and it's not hypothetical. SO gets together with one of his exes every few months or so. They're friends now, so, yeah. That's what friends do.
  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users
    I always try to trust someone I date, unless they give me a reason not to, so... yes. I would be okay with that. I have dated guys who were good friends with ex girlfriends, and I became friends with them as well.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

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  • PerriPPerriP Posts: 6,613Registered Users
    Yes. I currently work down the hall from my ex. We see each other all the time and are good friends. His wife also works down the hall.
    Even when we didn't work near one another we'd see each other now and then. I can't imagine a time when that would not be the case. And if I expect a SO to be okay with that I would need to be okay with him having the same type of relationship with an ex.

    All of that being said it would depend on how things were handled. If there was sneaky stuff going on that is a different thing

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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    It depends on how secure I felt with the SO.
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  • dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
    Yes, if the past is truly the past in terms of romantic feelings on both parts, which I'd have to trust my partner to be honest about. If feelings were still there for either of them, no.

    I am much less likely to remain friends with someone I dated, but would be very likely to remain friends with my husband if we divorced - we've been together for 17 years and have a daughter. Any new person would need to be okay with that. And, if I were getting a divorce I would have exhausted all hope of reconciliation (counseling, prayer, planning, etc.) so feelings would not be important - it's ovah :-)!
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  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Posts: 19,238Registered Users Curl Dabbler
    I would be (and am) fine with it. My boyfriend is still close with the mother of his oldest son. She visits, they go to dinner, etc.

    I'm friends with various exes. Some I see rarely, others more often. I'm going to a concert with one of them next week.
    I always tell my current boyfriend the situation and they have to choose how they deal with it.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm friends w/ several of my exes. When I'm in a relationship, I will curtail the amount of face-to-face time I spend w/ them but I don't cut them off completely. I expect my SO to respect that and I would respect his likewise (if I believedhis intentions were honorable).

    To me, the issue is why they are spending time together and what they are doing.

    One of my exes, for example, is the biggest video game junkie. So a few weeks ago, I decided to buy a video game system for my kids for Christmas and I enisted the help of this exbf. He hooked up all four of his game systems so I could compare and he went w/ me to Best Buy to help me pick out all the stuff I would need.

    To me, that was totally innocent and anyone who would object to that has a problem.

  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    Thanks ladies, ugh, why can't my ex date one of you lot?
    His new girlfriend is getting all up in his face about our friendship. I haven't seen him since they started dating (mainly because he was deployed) but we spoke, and when he was here he had mentioned to her that he would be seeing me for coffee and she flipped out. I told him lets not do it until she can get a grip, and now that he's back for Xmas, and getting posted in another city for the next two years, he "snuck off" to coffee with me last night. She won't meet me, and according to my ex, she doesn't trust women since her last BF cheated. Whatever.
    I'm just frustrated. I support their relationship, give him advice, etc, yet if she ever met me she would be a total B to me.

    I'm over it, I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable by thinking him and I could maintain a friendship.
    "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    It really depends on the people involved. Some people can remain friends with exes, some can't - and shouldn't. If he "snuck" off to meet with anyone, especially an ex, I'd be livid!
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  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    It really depends on the people involved. Some people can remain friends with exes, some can't - and shouldn't. If he "snuck" off to meet with anyone, especially an ex, I'd be livid!

    She would be.
    That's for him to evaluate I guess.
    "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Narnia wrote: »
    It really depends on the people involved. Some people can remain friends with exes, some can't - and shouldn't. If he "snuck" off to meet with anyone, especially an ex, I'd be livid!

    She would be.
    That's for him to evaluate I guess.

    True. But be aware that by sneaking off and telling you (especially if he laughed or joked or complained) your exbf is guilty of treating the current gf rather disrespectfully and compromising the intimate bond they are supposed to share WITH YOU.

    Be careful.

  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Sneaking is usually a telltale sign of cheating, maybe that's not the case here. But yeah she'd be right to be mad if she found out.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Sneaking is usually a telltale sign of cheating, maybe that's not the case here. But yeah she'd be right to be mad if she found out.

    It's definitely laying the groundwork for cheating IF either you or this guy has any residual feelings left. (Not all cheating is physical.)

    Not trying to insult you but just waving a little flag in the distance.

  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    Sneaking is usually a telltale sign of cheating, maybe that's not the case here. But yeah she'd be right to be mad if she found out.

    It's definitely laying the groundwork for cheating IF either you or this guy has any residual feelings left. (Not all cheating is physical.)

    Not trying to insult you but just waving a little flag in the distance.

    Oh, I see it believe me. It would never be between him and I, but I know he is capable as our relationship ended based on his infidelity.
    Last time he was here, like I said, he said she would be mad and therefore wouldn't see me. Yesterday he texted and asked if I'd like to go for coffee, and I responded "wow, permission was granted finally! Definitely, sounds good." assuming that he was "allowed". It wasn't until an hour into the conversation that yes, she would be mad, but it was important to him to see me before he moved away.

    I know he has feelings for me still, not necessarily in that intimate/relationship way, but that he cares about me and my well-being. I was his first serious relationship, and the first girl that he ever loved, and right or wrong, we went through a lot together (good old military life!) and we have a strong bond.
    I am incredibly supportive of his relationship and would love to meet her. I was disappointed to find out that he didn't tell her he was meeting with me beforehand, and also to find out that if we met, she would not be nice to me or happy to meet me.

    All that said, he is moving away and I won't see him again, so the point is moot now. I am just a touch bothered that she would be like that.
    "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    Sneaking is usually a telltale sign of cheating, maybe that's not the case here. But yeah she'd be right to be mad if she found out.

    Agreed. And this happened with us - he had a friend who is female, and they had never dated. He denied talking to her at all and then I found out that they skyped multiple times when he was deployed in Afghanistan. He insisted that it was innocent, but my point always was that I would be fine with it if he had told me from the beginning when I asked, but because he lied to me I assumed there was something to hide. I always told him "those with nothing to hide, hide nothing."
    "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
  • roseannadanaroseannadana Posts: 5,632Registered Users
    I would not be ok with my husband sneaking off to have lunch with his ex, and I wouldn't like him getting relationship advice from her either.

    If things are above board, that's ok.

    I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    I would not be ok with my husband sneaking off to have lunch with his ex, and I wouldn't like him getting relationship advice from her either.

    If things are above board, that's ok.

    No I wasn't asking if it was okay to sneak off and see your ex. I already know the answer to that ;)
    "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    So this guy cheated on you and you want to be his friend? And somehow you're annoyed with his current girlfriend? When you know firsthand he's a cheater? You can't see her point of view on this and be empathetic to her?

    I personally would go out of my way to not see this guy.
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  • dee-naturedee-nature Posts: 630Registered Users
    If your not gonna be comfy with seeing him occasionally you should prob not be friends.

    In his GF point of view i would be bothered thats just me. If she dont like it and he continues to sneak behind her back it shows lack on regard for her feelings and thats wrong. u shouldn't be a part of that.

    I must say hanging out with my ex reminded me of why i fell for him and we started dating again. We broke up cus he cheated (dont judge me) we were high school sweethearts and he has expressed for 8 yrs his remorse for what he did. But he was my first love and we were bestfriends. When i decided to forgive and be friends we saw each other on a regular (a little less than often and a little more than occasionally ).

    If u wanna be strictly friends make sure all feelings are put to the side one both ends.
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  • KurlyKaeKurlyKae Posts: 3,413Registered Users
    Narnia wrote: »
    he "snuck off" to coffee with me last night. She won't meet me, and according to my ex, she doesn't trust women since her last BF cheated. Whatever.
    I'm just frustrated. I support their relationship, give him advice, etc, yet if she ever met me she would be a total B to me.

    I'm over it, I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable by thinking him and I could maintain a friendship.

    Bold #1: Sneaking off is a good reason not to be trusted.

    Bold #2: She doesn't trust women? No, it's the man she doesn't trust. If she doesn't understand that, she'll never be able to trust him. In the past relationship, the man was the problem, not the woman he cheated with. Why do women do this???
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  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users
    ^ I don't always get that myself. Often the other woman does not even know.

    It would be a different situation if the woman he cheated with was a close friend or relative who knew about your relationship and how much you loved him. Yeah, I've had that happen. I was livid at both but even more so at her because she was supposed to be my good friend. Guys come and go but...

    I do think sometimes women end up in a situation like that and have a harder time trusting other women but you really do have to look at it based on the individual situation.
    When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    KurlyKae wrote: »
    Narnia wrote: »
    he "snuck off" to coffee with me last night. She won't meet me, and according to my ex, she doesn't trust women since her last BF cheated. Whatever.
    I'm just frustrated. I support their relationship, give him advice, etc, yet if she ever met me she would be a total B to me.

    I'm over it, I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable by thinking him and I could maintain a friendship.


    Bold #2: She doesn't trust women? No, it's the man she doesn't trust. If she doesn't understand that, she'll never be able to trust him. In the past relationship, the man was the problem, not the woman he cheated with. Why do women do this???

    Yea, I guess she doesn't understand it. When he told me that, I questioned it too, but apparently that is what she has said. *shrug*

    And yea, we are still friends even though he cheated. Colour me crazy, but I'm okay with being his friend, without getting into the details.
    "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
  • SunshineGrrlSunshineGrrl Posts: 3,823Registered Users
    Fifi.G wrote: »
    ^ I don't always get that myself. Often the other woman does not even know.

    True statement. I was the person the guy was cheating with and I had no clue. He told me he was getting divorced and they were just waiting for the court date or something. I can't remember, it was long ago and all I heard was "we'll be divorced soon." He took me over to his house for a little fun and games one day. He mentioned his current-soon-to-be-ex wife had broken her ankle at the fair (I think). But when I was leaving (it was my lunch break, so only a little fooling around happened), I happened to notice her purse on the piano. She was still living there. That was enough to call everything quits for me. I will not put up with that. It's supremely unfair to both of us, but especially the one he's currently with. I had no idea he was still with her until that moment and the minute I found out, it was beyond over.

    It was an extremely bad judgement call on my part. I will not under any circumstances date anybody who is "separated." Show me the divorce papers, then we can discuss dating.

    Still...despite his (the previous guy's) shady goings on, I would not have a problem with a SO who still sees his ex. As long as it was just a friendship. And I would want to meet her. I feel like a SO deserves trust until proven unworthy of it. The minute they prove unworthy of it, what's the good in being together? If I cannot trust someone, the relationship kind of goes down the tube. I'm willing to make the commitment to fix it, but he has to prove himself worthy of the trust after that.

    I suppose it would be easy to "not trust women" because he pulled that garbage, but she wasn't the one who was keeping secrets and lying. It was him and all him. We're both adults (he better be an adult or I have worse problems than infidelity), he needs to be held accountable for his decisions and don't pass that blame to someone who likely had no clue what was going on, on either side (whether you were the one cheated on or the one they were cheating with).

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Hell no. Thankfully bf feels the same way I do as he does on all important matters so far :).
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Narnia wrote: »
    It really depends on the people involved. Some people can remain friends with exes, some can't - and shouldn't. If he "snuck" off to meet with anyone, especially an ex, I'd be livid!

    She would be.
    That's for him to evaluate I guess.

    True. But be aware that by sneaking off and telling you (especially if he laughed or joked or complained) your exbf is guilty of treating the current gf rather disrespectfully and compromising the intimate bond they are supposed to share WITH YOU.

    Be careful.

    Yep he definitely doesn't sound that into her.
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users
    I wouldn't necessarily trust his version of why his girlfriend doesn't want him seeing you.
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  • LAwomanLAwoman Posts: 2,949Registered Users
    No.

    I too am thankful that my boyfriend feels the same way.

    eta: Your ex sounds shifty. I am not sure why you'd want to maintain a friendship with anybody like that but hey- to each her own.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    LAwoman wrote: »
    No.

    I too am thankful that my boyfriend feels the same way.

    eta: Your ex sounds shifty. I am not sure why you'd want to maintain a friendship with anybody like that but hey- to each her own.


    I obviously don't know the guy so it's not like I can defend him, personally. But sometimes ppl don't make a good mate but they can be a fun drinking buddy or not a good parent but a great spouse or not the best travel companion but a wonderful sex partner, etc.

  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    LAwoman wrote: »
    No.

    I too am thankful that my boyfriend feels the same way.

    eta: Your ex sounds shifty. I am not sure why you'd want to maintain a friendship with anybody like that but hey- to each her own.


    I obviously don't know the guy so it's not like I can defend him, personally. But sometimes ppl don't make a good mate but they can be a fun drinking buddy or not a good parent but a great spouse or not the best travel companion but a wonderful sex partner, etc.

    Yeah, I mean it's not like we are close-see-each other all the time kind of friends. I don't tell him my intimate details, and he doesn't really either. The advice I give him is really not about their intimate details. We don't talk about that stuff. It's more like deployment/army related stuff. I went through the ringer with him because he tried out for and got accepted to special forces when we were together. It's mainly like "hey if you would've done XYZ differently, it would've helped me" type advice, so he knows maybe do/don't do that with her.

    The friendship is definitely more beneficial to him. Maybe it is shady (okay, it probably IS shady), but he feels a connection/bond with me, and there are times where he is feeling down about things (almost always work related), and because I'm the only person he ever went through that with, he calls me to discuss/vent because he knows I'm the only one that will understand. It is infrequent though. In the last 7 months he has called three times, and then we also went to coffee the other night.

    She knows we talk over text, and she isn't excited about it, but it is what it is. She has no reason to be upset that we speak, and no boundaries are ever crossed between us. I would love to meet her, but she is insecure and doesn't want to like me. Fair enough, just don't understand why - which is why I asked the original question. I wasn't sure if I was being ignorant to think that exes could be friends when they are now in other relationships.
    "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Lol you went and had coffee with him and think there's nothing shady on his end, especially him knowing his gf is not even cool with you guys talking? Yes you're definitely ignorant in this case!
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