CurlTalk

I got confronted by someone I defriended on Facedbook.

SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
For reference, it's THIS PERSON.

Eventually I defriened her because of her vitriolic anti-Obama rants (way back in, like September) and a couple weeks ago she confronted me.

HER:Not sure why you defriended me...sorry you felt it was necessary. I cheered you on with roller derby ( I still think it's very cool). and was happy for you when Melody went to Brazil. Yes, politically we were at odds, but I certainly wouldn't have defriended you because I didn't agree with your politics. I would have considered that narrow-minded of myself. Anyhow...sorry you didn't deem me worthy. I did, you.

ME: Hi, Christine.
I appreciate your email and I"m glad I have a chance to explain myself. First off, I like you. And I think you are a nice person and caring and I've also enjoyed your tales of Mexico and your boxers and your very interesting life. And I have appreciated all the wonderful things you've said about Mel and my darling baby niece.
I didn't defriend you because of politics. I defriended you soley because I just didn't want to read so much negativity about the president... especially from an ex-pat. I believe citizens outside the country should refrain from that.
I was probably in the wrong. And if I hurt you're feelings I am very sorry about that.

HER: Jessie, I just want to make things clear...I am an expatriate, NOT an ex-patriot. There is a distinct difference between the two. I am still a citizen, I still care deeply about the US. I just can't afford to live there. I still vote and I still pay taxes. I did not leave the US because I wanted to and although I love it here, I moved here strictly because of finances. After my marriage broke up, I had very resources left. I certainly couldn't afford to stay in California. So, again, I am an expatriate, not an ex-patriot. No, I don't like President Obama...I've been clear about that...but my being an expat should not be a reason why I can not give my opinion. The only thing that has changed is my physical address. There is such a misconception about expats...most of us leave the US because we can't afford the same kind of lifestyle there that we can have here, or we can't afford it at all, period. We don't leave because we don't care anymore.

ME: I know why you left and I know what an ex-pat is. I've just always believed that once we're on foreign soil that we don't criticize our government.
To be clear: I don't think you're an *******. On a strictly personal level: I caption the news for a living and I was hearing negativity left and right for two years non-stop and I just felt like I had to cut it out where I could.
but like I said, it was probably the wrong decision and I do apologize.

****

Funny thing is, she's moved to Mexico and is constantly bragging about how little she has to pay for stuff and how cheap she hires workers to do her yard work, etc. And yet doesn't see a correlation about why they want to come here to the US?

Have you ever been confronted about defriending someone?
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Comments

  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    No! But that's interesting. I've defriended a couple of people for the exact same reason.
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  • NalliaNallia Posts: 2,979Registered Users
    No,and I doubt I would have engaged in discussion with anyone I defriended if I was confronted with it. I'd probably just block them. To me, anyone who would start something like that is probably just looking for drama and I don't want any part of it. It would only reinforce my decision to defriend them in the first place.

    I don't think you were wrong to make that choice and I don't think you have anything to apologize for. If you felt the need/desire to explain, that's fine, but I don't think you should be apologizing or owning up to a mistake that was obviously not a mistake.
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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Yeah, I shouldn't have apologized. I should have put this in the "would you apologize if you didn't feel you were wrong" thread.
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  • KatiecurlKatiecurl Posts: 236Registered Users
    I have a couple of friends on Facebook like this who are family members, so I can't defriend them. :sad6: I just hide their news feed, so I don't ever get updates. Some other people I've hid eventually defriend me anyway, I guess because I am not commenting on their feeds enough (which is fine enough by me, lol!)
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    No and no offense but it sounds like a highschool type conversation. Who talks about not being friends anymore, let alone facebook friends anymore, especially in that much detail??

    I've had to get rid of friends in my life and there was only one had to explain a lot too but only because we were close real life friends for years and she had a brain of a child almost. It was awful.
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    I tend more toward hiding people most of the time, but you were within your rights. I suspect she's of the "blame everyone else, and life happens to me" philosophy, thus to her it's all your fault you removed her, not a side effect of her behavior.
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  • roseannadanaroseannadana Posts: 5,632Registered Users
    I've never been confronted when I defriended someone. I think it's weird unless you are great friends IRL.

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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I doubt I would unfriend someone for that reason or really any reason except if they were cyberstalking me or if they were colleagues and their access to my FB page was causing some conflict at work or something similar.

    Both have happened. In the first instance, there was no confrontation bc the reason was obvious. In the second instance, there was.

    When it came up, I just explained it was nothing personal, strictly business and we're still cool as always.

    I can't imagine unfriending someone for having strong political convictions (even if they conflicted with mine).

    So if I was unfriended for a reason like that (and noticed), I would be a tad bewildered.

    Would I try to talk about it if someone unfriended me for a reason like the above? Only if the friendship was important to me.

    I did have to block someone's feed bc she is very active w/ dog rescues and ASPCA and such and she would autofeed about 30 very long dead-dog-walking adoption alerts at a time from the orgs' databases. It would jam up my feed (and make me sad for the dogs).

    IMO, that is kind of an abuse of the system, if she's doing it from her personal page.

  • goldencurlygoldencurly Posts: 2,385Registered Users
    I have set my options differently for a few people that I don't want to see their rants. I use Facebook to keep up with my out of town kids, my IRL friends, artist buddies, and just a few others. I don't need hundreds or thousands of friends on there. If someone sends me a friend request, I accept, but I check them out and if I don't like them for any reason, I unfriend them. I have blocked people too. I do not friend work associates. Facebook is my private life, period. I have only had one person message me about unfriending them and I told her my son who is 5 can read and I do not let him see profanity, thanks and have a nice life. Then I blocked her too.
  • SunshineGrrlSunshineGrrl Posts: 3,823Registered Users
    I did have to block someone's feed bc she is very active w/ dog rescues and ASPCA and such and she would autofeed about 30 very long dead-dog-walking adoption alerts at a time from the orgs' databases. It would jam up my feed (and make me sad for the dogs).

    IMO, that is kind of an abuse of the system, if she's doing it from her personal page.

    It doesn't jack up my system, but I have a friend who does this exact same thing! Like 70 in a row. Okay, not that many, but about 30 just like you would be dead on. And my friend takes particular interest in posting Pit Bulls, which I think are the cutest dogs ever if they're sweet, so it makes me more sad.

  • legendslegends Posts: 3,073Registered Users
    The expatriate v ex-patriot thing...she's an idiot. A complete moron. I'd defriend her for that alone.

    I'm rarely on facebook so no-one has had the chance to annoy me that much yet. But I can't imagine anyone confronting me about something like that. That's bizarre.

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  • moodydovemoodydove Posts: 1,721Registered Users
    Anyhow...sorry you didn't deem me worthy. I did, you.

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  • Myradella3Myradella3 Posts: 2,481Registered Users
    I did have to block someone's feed bc she is very active w/ dog rescues and ASPCA and such and she would autofeed about 30 very long dead-dog-walking adoption alerts at a time from the orgs' databases. It would jam up my feed (and make me sad for the dogs).

    IMO, that is kind of an abuse of the system, if she's doing it from her personal page.

    It doesn't jack up my system, but I have a friend who does this exact same thing! Like 70 in a row. Okay, not that many, but about 30 just like you would be dead on. And my friend takes particular interest in posting Pit Bulls, which I think are the cutest dogs ever if they're sweet, so it makes me more sad.

    How do you stop someone's feed? I have a friend that does the same thing with her dog rescue. Maybe 20-30 a week....I like her and admire her passion for animals but it does make me sad and guilty and frustrated so I'd rather not see if I can do it without defriending her.

    I was confronted once about defriending someone. I told here that it was because of the profanity that she used. She laughed and said something about "keeping it real".
  • wavycurly40+wavycurly40+ Posts: 2,017Registered Users
    I'm also a hider rather than a defriender, so I haven't experienced this. Defriending does seem confrontational in its own way, to me, so I wouldn't necessarily be surprised at being confronted for that. But I find her response annoying. I don't know if passive-aggressive is the right term, but she's all like, "wah, wah, wah, I value you and you don't value me, I still want to be friends with you even though you've proven yourself to be intolerant as well as wrong." Um, no. That's not how you express concern over a lost friendship.

    If I ever do defriend someone over politics, though, my response will be: "I didn't defriend you because you disagree with me; I defriended you because your rants are hateful and irrational." Can you tell that I have fantasized about saying this to one or two folks?

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  • moodydovemoodydove Posts: 1,721Registered Users
    legends wrote: »
    The expatriate v ex-patriot thing...she's an idiot. A complete moron. I'd defriend her for that alone.

    I'm rarely on facebook so no-one has had the chance to annoy me that much yet. But I can't imagine anyone confronting me about something like that. That's bizarre.

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    I would have just sent her an email back with that line of text and this picture:

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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I didn't know it would show if you defriended someone. Shows you how much I know about FB. I got really sick of people who were being very immature with the politics and some real religious people. I was going a little crazy, so I just cancelled my account. I then came back and started another one and am very, very careful who I friend now. I think I have maybe 3 or 4 friends now.
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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    It does't show if you've defriended someone but she doesn't have a lot of friends so it would have been obvious to her.
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I see. Thx. It's nice to know I'm not completely clueless. :hiding:
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • SunshineGrrlSunshineGrrl Posts: 3,823Registered Users
    Myradella3 wrote: »
    I did have to block someone's feed bc she is very active w/ dog rescues and ASPCA and such and she would autofeed about 30 very long dead-dog-walking adoption alerts at a time from the orgs' databases. It would jam up my feed (and make me sad for the dogs).

    IMO, that is kind of an abuse of the system, if she's doing it from her personal page.

    It doesn't jack up my system, but I have a friend who does this exact same thing! Like 70 in a row. Okay, not that many, but about 30 just like you would be dead on. And my friend takes particular interest in posting Pit Bulls, which I think are the cutest dogs ever if they're sweet, so it makes me more sad.

    How do you stop someone's feed? I have a friend that does the same thing with her dog rescue. Maybe 20-30 a week....I like her and admire her passion for animals but it does make me sad and guilty and frustrated so I'd rather not see if I can do it without defriending her.

    I was confronted once about defriending someone. I told here that it was because of the profanity that she used. She laughed and said something about "keeping it real".

    For me here's what I do:

    Find a post of the person whose feed you want to stop. Hover over the name and on the right-hand side of the column there will be an arrow that pops up. Click hide and it will hide that one post. Once you've done that it will show that you hid the post and the option to edit subscription shows up right under their name on that post and the notice that you hid the post and you can decide what posts you want to receive or stop them all.

    Hope that made sense.

  • mad scientistmad scientist Posts: 3,530Registered Users
    I defriended my sister-in-laws. They were making catty and passive aggressive comments on FB and I was getting sick of it. In retrospect I should have put them on limited access instead and saved myself the drama but I didn't know about that option (and really it amounts to the same thing - if you have mutual friends that person will soon realize they aren't seeing all your posts). Anyways, they promptly blocked me.

    A year later one SIL told me how hurt she and her sister were was that I deleted them on FB and that I'm way too sensitive. I told her that I didn't appreciate the negativity and drama on my FB and that I thought that we need to work at getting along better when we interact in person. Didn't work lol. We still don't get along. But I don't regret getting them off my FB.
  • mad scientistmad scientist Posts: 3,530Registered Users
    Oh and I have almost everyone on the "only important updates" setting. I like to see personal status updates and the occasional photograph. That's about it.
  • wavyblondewavyblonde Posts: 1,637Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Wow, she was really childish about that. I don't blame you for unfriending her--life is too short to read annoying political rants on a social media site. I get irritated when people forward me stupid anti-Obama stuff, so I can only imagine having to look at it on my feed. I bet if you started a daily rant about how awful something is that she supports or loves, she'd change her tune.
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  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    It's FB. A website. It's not a personal tool of destruction.

    It's not like you'd want to have her on speaker phone all day. Same concept and annoyance.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    I don't agree with your position that ex-pats shouldn't criticize the government of their country of origin. Doesn't sound that much different from the position that non-citizens of a country shouldn't criticize its government.

    I also don't agree with defriending people and not telling them. I have defriended people who posted offensive or annoying things - however, I tell them first (privately.) Especially if they're someone I know and see in real life or someone who has been a reasonably good friend. Part of FB to me is the diversity of opinions you wouldn't normally have, so just having a stridently different opinion will make me hide and limit contact but not defriend or block. The only time I would defriend someone abruptly like that is if they make me feel demeaned or threatened and I don't really know them in RL.

    I don't think I would confront you like she did and create more drama, but I can relate to her feelings on this.
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    When I have fb friends with annoying posts, I usually just hide their feeds. I've had to do this to some of my younger cousins as well. Not that I don't like them, but I don't like to hear childish rants and for other friends, too many cheesy religious or inspirational quotes, I had one guy post 10-20 a day, I had to remove him from my feed, great guy though, I meet up with him when I can when he's in town.

    As far as someone who I think just sucks(which sounds like your fb friend) I suppose I would delete them. I might have missed this but is she a friend in real life? When she was living in the same city as you would you hang out on a regular basis? If not, I don't see any need for an explanation.

    Mad scientist, funny you deleted your own sister in laws, lol that could cause drama. But I don't blame you. I have a friend that writes passive aggressive stuff on her wall, it's beyond childish. I might just block her from my feed, but I'm still somewhat cordial friends with her and our families are friends so don't want to deal with the drama of deleting her.
  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Josephine wrote: »
    As far as someone who I think just sucks(which sounds like your fb friend) I suppose I would delete them. I might have missed this but is she a friend in real life? When she was living in the same city as you would you hang out on a regular basis? If not, I don't see any need for an explanation.

    I've never even met her in real life. We "met" on a Nutrisystem message board back in 2008.
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  • hippychichippychic Posts: 4,673Registered Users
    bottom line...it's your fb page so you can do what you want. if you don't want to be subjected to bs, don't.
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