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Just a stupid SIL and hair-related rant

spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
The history is that my exhsband has an older sister w/ whom I've NEVER gotten along. (I aways got along fine w/ his brothers and their wives.)

The sister is about 6 years older than my exhusband and never married and never had an kids. She is unattractive and overbearing...probably why she doesn't date, either.

When I met my exhusbnd, he used to take his sister out to the movies every friday night and pay for everything and drive, etc. This had ben going on for years. I always found it odd but I didn't object to it per se, but I did get very annoyed about it on two occasions shortly before we got married.

Things btwn the sister and me got pretty bad and she told him not to marry me and also refused to watch our 3 y/o at the last minute when I went into labor w/ our younger child bc she was mad at me.

Eventually, the tension put distance btwn my exhusband and his sister and they didn't see each other much during the latter part of our marriage.

Now we're divorcing and he and his sister are close again and she is taking an interest in my kids. And I have absolutely no problem w/ that.

Except that she does things to undermine me.

My kids take swimming classes on Sunday evenings. She has asked my exhd to bring them by her house afterward so she can wash their hair. (Not sure why.)

This makes them late coming home and late going to bed but I try to overlook it.

I use Elucence shampoo and conditioner (and Elucence Clarifying for the chlorine) on my daughter and I send some over to my exhd's house, too, so he can use it on her. After years of experimentation, I just find it works the best.

But my former SIL, who has been balding for many years and just shaves her hair off like a man, insists upon using other products on my daughter's hair...and pressing it after the washing.

I've told my daughter to ask her aunt to plz use what I've provided and let it dry naturally (no direct heat).

But my former SIL is telling my daughter that she knows more about hair than I do and that I don't know what hair is supposed to feel like. She says Elucence are "adult" products and therefore inappropriate for her. She is almost 8!!!

IDK what products she is using on my daughter and will not tell my daughter what they are.

I haven't spoken to her in years and we are not on friendly terms, so it's not like I can just nonchallantly call her up and ask her to use the Elucence. I doubt it would be received well.

My daughter has very dry brittle hair and the weekly swimming lessons don't help. So I am trying to baby it w/ the best products I can find. (She has their hair...)

I'm starting to feel violent and assaultive. Someone plz talk me down!!!:rambo:

Comments

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,177Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I'm not sure why you can't just ask her to use a certain shampoo. If she doesn't listen and is undermining you in front of your kids, why would you let them see her? I know she's an aunt, but still.
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    While it's understandable that this woman wants to maintain a relationship with your kids, there is no need for her to do basic hygiene with them. If she refuses to use the products you provide for your daughter's hair and won't lay off the heat, she doesn't get the right to do her hair anymore. Period. If your daughter's hair gets heat damage or gets extremely brittle, that woman doesn't sound like she'd have a clue on how to nurse it back to health. She can see the kids before they go swimming. Or on Saturday.
    Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
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  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,860Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Connoisseur
    If you don't want to confront her, or don't think it'll go well, I would just tell hubby they are getting home too late on Sundays and need to come straight home after swimming. They can visit with aunty before.


    Washing their hair is just weird :lo:
    I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
    Audrey Hepburn
  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    No. Just no. Your daughter, your rules. Talk to the harpie.
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,742Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Sorry, but they're a weird family. They're strangely controlling and vindictive. Maybe the SIL wants to live vicariously through you, since you have what she's never had (marriage and kids). Plus you're pretty, so I can see how she'd be extra jealous. Maybe you should start lowering your expectations of them. Seriously. That way, you won't get as mad when they do something stupid.

    As for the hair thing though, if auntie couldn't respect my wishes when I'm being nice enough to let her see my kids to begin with, then I wouldn't let them visit her anymore.
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

    "Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    ITA with telling your ex that they are coming home too late and need to just come home after swimming.

    She can make other arragements to see them and she doesn't need to take care of their basic hygiene needs. That just sounds crazy, IMO. she needs to be in control of SOMETHING from what it sounds...

    Unfortunately, this means that you need to say something to your ex, take a stand, and make it so she doesn't have that control/choice.
    :rambo:
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    DP
    :rambo:
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I can't prevent her from seeing my kids, unfortunately.

    When they are w/ their father, he calls the shots.

    I can't prevent her from washing my daughter's hair or using her choice of shampoo.

    The idea about telling him they are coming home too late is a good one! That may be my only option.

    I don't think she will honor my wishes if I call and ask (that's putting it mildly). I can try but I worry it will lead to a lot of backlash.

    Has anyone run into a similar situation?

  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Not that situation specifically, but there were times when my MIL would make decisons that I didn't really care for, so I took away the ability for her to NEED to do that by controlling what I or the kids did prior to going to her house...whether it was making sure they were full and didn't get fast food while they were there, etc. or makign sure that they knew that mom still had rules even though they were at grandma's.

    It sounds like your SIL is "my way and I don't care what mom has to say" about all of this, which makes it a little more difficult, especially if your ex isn't willing to at least partially work with you on this one. Why he can't tell her, 'You don't need to wash their hair...' is beyond me.

    Anyways, i think that in order to avoid confrontation with him or with her, telling him they get home too late is probably the way to go. Especially since it's a Sunday, you can always also blame it on needing to get ready for school Monday, etc. It just makes it easier for everyone/they get a chance to be home and get settled, etc. You realyl could use almost any 'reason' for them needing to be home earlier.

    I think I'd also fear your SIL screwing up your daughters hair to the point where it is damaged and costs $$ to try and fix...and she'd likely not help much if you needed to take your daughter to a salon or something, KWIM?
    :rambo:
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    M2LR wrote: »
    Not that situation specifically, but there were times when my MIL would make decisons that I didn't really care for, so I took away the ability for her to NEED to do that by controlling what I or the kids did prior to going to her house...whether it was making sure they were full and didn't get fast food while they were there, etc. or makign sure that they knew that mom still had rules even though they were at grandma's.

    It sounds like your SIL is "my way and I don't care what mom has to say" about all of this, which makes it a little more difficult, especially if your ex isn't willing to at least partially work with you on this one. Why he can't tell her, 'You don't need to wash their hair...' is beyond me.

    Anyways, i think that in order to avoid confrontation with him or with her, telling him they get home too late is probably the way to go. Especially since it's a Sunday, you can always also blame it on needing to get ready for school Monday, etc. It just makes it easier for everyone/they get a chance to be home and get settled, etc. You realyl could use almost any 'reason' for them needing to be home earlier.

    I think I'd also fear your SIL screwing up your daughters hair to the point where it is damaged and costs $$ to try and fix...and she'd likely not help much if you needed to take your daughter to a salon or something, KWIM?

    So on my wknds, I can tell him it's too late to bring them to her house for hairwashing.

    But I have no control over what he does on his wknds.

    Yes, I am def worried about her hair getting damaged, what w/ the chlorine, the bad products and the pressing! That is why I am pissed. My exhd and his sister have problem hair (thin all over, balding, slow growing, etc.)

  • sarah42sarah42 Posts: 4,034Registered Users
    Can DD wear a bathing cap while swimming to protect her hair? Then would there be a need for her to have it washed afterward?
    ehLB.jpg
  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users Curl Connoisseur


    I can't prevent her from washing my daughter's hair or using her choice of shampoo.
    ?

    Yeah you can. Send a all the products you use with your little girl. Tell SIL to only use that on your daughter hair.
  • CurlyCurliesCurlyCurlies Posts: 1,641Registered Users
    sarah42 wrote: »
    Can DD wear a bathing cap while swimming to protect her hair? Then would there be a need for her to have it washed afterward?

    I agree with this. You need to remove the need for your SIL to do anything to her hair.

    I don't know what your daughters hair type is (I think I remember that you said you were mixed?) but if it's in the 3 - 4 range, you can also braid/twist her hair a la beads, braids, and beyond (/home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fbeadsbraidsbeyond.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fstyle-gallery.html%3Fm%3D1" class="Popup). This way, it'll be too much trouble for her to undo the style to wash and press it.
    33abhqq.gif
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    M2LR wrote: »
    Not that situation specifically, but there were times when my MIL would make decisons that I didn't really care for, so I took away the ability for her to NEED to do that by controlling what I or the kids did prior to going to her house...whether it was making sure they were full and didn't get fast food while they were there, etc. or makign sure that they knew that mom still had rules even though they were at grandma's.

    It sounds like your SIL is "my way and I don't care what mom has to say" about all of this, which makes it a little more difficult, especially if your ex isn't willing to at least partially work with you on this one. Why he can't tell her, 'You don't need to wash their hair...' is beyond me.

    Anyways, i think that in order to avoid confrontation with him or with her, telling him they get home too late is probably the way to go. Especially since it's a Sunday, you can always also blame it on needing to get ready for school Monday, etc. It just makes it easier for everyone/they get a chance to be home and get settled, etc. You realyl could use almost any 'reason' for them needing to be home earlier.

    I think I'd also fear your SIL screwing up your daughters hair to the point where it is damaged and costs $$ to try and fix...and she'd likely not help much if you needed to take your daughter to a salon or something, KWIM?

    So on my wknds, I can tell him it's too late to bring them to her house for hairwashing.

    But I have no control over what he does on his wknds.

    Yes, I am def worried about her hair getting damaged, what w/ the chlorine, the bad products and the pressing! That is why I am pissed. My exhd and his sister have problem hair (thin all over, balding, slow growing, etc.)

    On his weekends, then you might have more of an issue.

    You can send some product with your daughter to his house, but that still won't guarantee that your SIL will use it. I am not sure that there is any way around that, other than your ex stepping up and telling his sister to not wash their hair using her [EMAIL="cr@p"]cr@p[/EMAIL].

    if you're not there, and it's not your weekend, then I really don't know how you'd address it. Even if you get mad, talk to her, talk to him, send product...it still sounds like she's going to do what she wants...if not even do it MORE because she knows it upsets you.

    I don't know that you could maybe get your daughter more involved, maybe she could tell her aunt that she likes your shampoo better and to please not use her stuff on her hair? Maybe make it look as though it's your daughter's idea, not yours? (I do this with my kids, "Hey, next time grandma asks you about blah blah blah, please tell her blah blah blah." and they do, and they don't mention that I told them to tell her that). Maybe your daughter can communicate that she doesn't liek the pressing, and likes her hair better when it's dried naturally?

    I am sure that there is a way around this, but with the dislike that SIL has for you, I am nto sure how you'd address it without making it worse!
    :rambo:
  • journotravelerjournotraveler Posts: 2,816Registered Users
    sarah42 wrote: »
    Can DD wear a bathing cap while swimming to protect her hair? Then would there be a need for her to have it washed afterward?

    I agree with this. You need to remove the need for your SIL to do anything to her hair.

    I don't know what your daughters hair type is (I think I remember that you said you were mixed?) but if it's in the 3 - 4 range, you can also braid/twist her hair a la beads, braids, and beyond (Beads, Braids and Beyond: Style Gallery). This way, it'll be too much trouble for her to undo the style to wash and press it
    .

    This sounds like a good solution. What a nightmare and a real power tug-of-war.

    Kind of reminds me when I was visiting my grandmother and my dad's sister, whose hair was a different texture from mine, decided that my hair didn't have enough "sheen." And then she proceeded to unload half-a-jar of Ultra Sheen on my head. I looked a hot mess. A greasy hot mess.

    But the difference between my situation and your daughter's is that I could wash the grease out. As others have noted, your SIL could do serious damage to your daughter's hair.
    3B corkscrews with scatterings of 3A & 3C.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm trying to figure out how the SIL being "unattractive" is relevant to this story...

    Your beef is with your husband. If you don't like how the kids' hair is being treated, you need to take it up with him. He is the one letting his sister mess up their hair.
  • KilajoKilajo Posts: 786Registered Users
    I'm trying to figure out how the SIL being "unattractive" is relevant to this story...

    Your beef is with your husband. If you don't like how the kids' hair is being treated, you need to take it up with him. He is the one letting his sister mess up their hair.

    I took her post as she also has had beef with the SIL. I've been there myself with both my SILs and my MIL. During that time I probably called them worse things than unattractive. Sometimes a person just needs to vent and it may take a form that doesn't seem relevant to the issue, but I completely can understand why.

    Or, maybe it is relevant in that she's using unattractive to mean her SIL doesn't have any hair, doesn't know how to grow/care for hair, and therefore shouldn't be messing with her daughter's hair. JUST KIDDING! lol
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I'm trying to figure out how the SIL being "unattractive" is relevant to this story...

    Your beef is with your husband. If you don't like how the kids' hair is being treated, you need to take it up with him. He is the one letting his sister mess up their hair.

    I don't mean to sound petty. This woman is like 19 or 20 years older than I am. It's not a jealousy thing to me at all. When I met her, I really admired her and wanted to like her bc she is an intelligent and accomplished woman.

    I just mention that bc she hasn't dated in years. Her last relationship was in the 80s. She doesn't date or have kids and I think she is frustrated by that. And resentful. (I think she was interested in adopting kids at one point but I guess that didn't work out or maybe she changed her mind.)

    M2LR and TNB explained exactly what I mean; that she has this weird need to control. And she does it to her other brothers' wives and she tries to parent their kids, too. But it's different in my case for various reasons.

    When I've told other people about her, they just say she needs to get laid or maybe I should introduce her to someone.

    And I actually tried to fix her up w/ one of my older male friends when I was dating my exhd, but he said no when he saw her pic.

    Maybe it's not that relevent but I think she'd be less overinvolved in other people's lives if she had a more satisfying personal life of her own. I could be wrong...

    My exhd is never gonna stand up to her now. He wouldn't when we were married so he certainly won't now.

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,177Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    [

    Maybe it's not that relevent but I think she'd be less overinvolved in other people's lives if she had a more satisfying personal life. I could be wrong...

    I had a couple of friends like this. They are slowly becoming eliminated from my life. When I say a person is unattractive, it's also and mainly on the inside.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm trying to figure out how the SIL being "unattractive" is relevant to this story...

    Your beef is with your husband. If you don't like how the kids' hair is being treated, you need to take it up with him. He is the one letting his sister mess up their hair.

    I don't mean to sound petty. This woman is like 19 or 20 years older than I am. It's not a jealousy thing to me at all. When I met her, I really admired her and wanted to like her bc she is an intelligent and accomplished woman.

    I just mention that bc she hasn't dated in years. Her last relationship was in the 80s. She doesn't date or have kids and I think she is frustrated by that. And resentful. (I think she was interested in adopting kids at one point but I guess that didn't work out or maybe she changed her mind.)

    M2LR and TNB explained exactly what I mean; that she has this weird need to control. And she does it to her other brothers' wives and she tries to parent their kids, too. But it's different in my case for various reasons.

    When I've told other people about her, they just say she needs to get laid or maybe I should introduce her to someone.

    And I actually tried to fix her up w/ one of my older male friends when I was dating my exhd, but he said no when he saw her pic.

    Maybe it's not that relevent but I think she'd be less overinvolved in other people's lives if she had a more satisfying personal life of her own. I could be wrong...

    My exhd is never gonna stand up to her now. He wouldn't when we were married so he certainly won't now.



    It just seems really petty to mock on her looks. You probably wouldn't have done that if the situation involved an unattractive male relative. Gods forbid if a woman dares to be ugly...it makes the world hate her. I suspect that you used that descriptor to color your story.

    I really try not to judge womens' child status based on my life choice to be a mother. There are many women (many of them here on this board) who are perfectly happy being childfree and it really bothers them that the world seems to want to blame everything about them on that childfree status. It's a very sexist attitude.

    ANYWAY...

    Your story seems to be that your children are coming home (late) with messed up hair. They are in the care of their father during that hair messing up. HE is the one who needs to be addressed. If I were you, I wouldn't give a rat's ass how it happened, but I'd be letting him know it was unacceptable to wreck their hair and make them late for bedtime on a school night and he needs to FIX it. Now. I don't care how. Just get them home on time, with decent hair. Period. What he does with his sister is his own business.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    It just seems really petty to mock on her looks. You probably wouldn't have done that if the situation involved an unattractive male relative. Gods forbid if a woman dares to be ugly...it makes the world hate her. I suspect that you used that descriptor to color your story.

    What difference does it make? Color the story. Don't color the story. Who cares? You don't know her and it's tangential to the rant.
    I really try not to judge womens' child status based on my life choice to be a mother. There are many women (many of them here on this board) who are perfectly happy being childfree and it really bothers them that the world seems to want to blame everything about them on that childfree status. It's a very sexist attitude.

    That's wonderful for you. But I happen to think it is related to the story bc this particular woman has a very strong interest in "mothering" her neice and nephews, even when she oversteps the real mothers' boundaries. Not just mine, but her other two SILs too.

    So, yes, ANYWAY...I know it's really an issue btwn me and my exhd but that doesn't make it any easier to address.

  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    It just seems really petty to mock on her looks. You probably wouldn't have done that if the situation involved an unattractive male relative. Gods forbid if a woman dares to be ugly...it makes the world hate her. I suspect that you used that descriptor to color your story.

    What difference does it make? Color the story. Don't color the story. Who cares? You don't know her and it's tangential to the rant.
    I really try not to judge womens' child status based on my life choice to be a mother. There are many women (many of them here on this board) who are perfectly happy being childfree and it really bothers them that the world seems to want to blame everything about them on that childfree status. It's a very sexist attitude.

    That's wonderful for you. But I happen to think it is related to the story bc this particular woman has a very strong interest in "mothering" her neice and nephews, even when she oversteps the real mothers' boundaries. Not just mine, but her other two SILs too.

    So, yes, ANYWAY...I know it's really an issue btwn me and my exhd but that doesn't make it any easier to address.


    The she's-an-ugly-mama-wannabe just makes you look petty. And maybe that pettiness is flavoring your argument with the husband. Perhaps if you back off his sister and just address him, without trying to control what he's doing with the kids and his sister while they're in his care, he'll be more amenable to your request that he take better care of their hair and get them home on time on school nights.

    Unless you want to take this hair issue to court, I think trying to get him to cooperate might serve you better.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    It just seems really petty to mock on her looks. You probably wouldn't have done that if the situation involved an unattractive male relative. Gods forbid if a woman dares to be ugly...it makes the world hate her. I suspect that you used that descriptor to color your story.

    What difference does it make? Color the story. Don't color the story. Who cares? You don't know her and it's tangential to the rant.
    I really try not to judge womens' child status based on my life choice to be a mother. There are many women (many of them here on this board) who are perfectly happy being childfree and it really bothers them that the world seems to want to blame everything about them on that childfree status. It's a very sexist attitude.

    That's wonderful for you. But I happen to think it is related to the story bc this particular woman has a very strong interest in "mothering" her neice and nephews, even when she oversteps the real mothers' boundaries. Not just mine, but her other two SILs too.

    So, yes, ANYWAY...I know it's really an issue btwn me and my exhd but that doesn't make it any easier to address.


    The she's-an-ugly-mama-wannabe just makes you look petty. And maybe that pettiness is flavoring your argument with the husband. Perhaps if you back off his sister and just address him, without trying to control what he's doing with the kids and his sister while they're in his care, he'll be more amenable to your request that he take better care of their hair and get them home on time on school nights.

    Unless you want to take this hair issue to court, I think trying to get him to cooperate might serve you better.

    There's nothing for me to "back off" of. I haven't mentioned this to my exhd or his sister. Any pettiness I may or may not be engaging in, is limited to this board.

    I just talked to my daughter about it twice. The first time I said, "make sure you bring the hair products I gave you with you to auntie's house so she can use them on you."

    And the second time, I asked my daughter if her aunt used the producs I gave her. And my daughter said, "I asked her to but she said 'I've been around the block a few times and I know how to wash hair. Just like your mother can wash hair, I can wash hair, too. Those products are for adults; these (hers) are better for you'."

    And then my daughter said after her hair was washed, dried and pressed, her aunt said, "See, this is how your hair is supposd to feel."

    I haven't brought it up yet to my exhusband. And I have not and probably would not to my SIL bc we haven't spoken in 5 years.

    I will probably mention it to him in an email I'm sending to him today about our holiday visitation schedule.

    But I'm not holding out much hope...it seems like a fight I can't win...hence the rant/vent here.

  • theliothelio Posts: 5,374Registered Users
    I'm not a mother, but I am an "auntie". If my nieces' and nephew's parents asked me not to no certain things I will not do those things. i am not their mother. end of story. Your sil has over stepped her bounds. I'm sorry, but pressing a childs hair who is not your own, when they mother obviously does not, is wrong on so many levels.

    I have known a few woman like your SIL. They wanted the family but never got it, so like to have "surrogates". They can be control and go over parents heads to feel like a mother. I think you should go to your husband first. if nothing changes, go to her.
  • legendslegends Posts: 3,073Registered Users
    So is explaining to your daughter that not all elders deserve to be respected at all times completely out of the question? Because I'd be tempted to tell her to fight her aunt when it comes to getting her hair pressed.
    Eres o te haces?
  • violetsviolets Posts: 1,689Registered Users
    legends wrote: »
    So is explaining to your daughter that not all elders deserve to be respected at all times completely out of the question? Because I'd be tempted to tell her to fight her aunt when it comes to getting her hair pressed.

    That might be too much to handle at 8. She would have to be a defiant child to begin with.


    I would tell the ugly s-i-l and the ex husband to use your products and not to press her hair OR she won't be allowed to go to aunties house.

    I know you can't control what they do on his weekends but if you repeat it they might actually respect mom for once. Keep saying it.

    I cringe when A goes to dad and uses shampoo. It makes his hair brittle. I let it go bc he is a boy and I use kinky curly at home. He has stepbrothers so I don't want them to make fun of him carrying a bottle that is pink! I do tell him to use conditioner but god knows what conditioner they have. Actually, I know his dad always uses that conditioner-shampoo in one which is horrible, so I feel your pain.

    Pressing her hair when I don't want it, would make me speak up.

    Telling the child to speak up works with my stepdaughter. I don't know that her mom is asking her to say so but nobody is blowdrying that hair on her! " It gives me split ends" LOL. It's funny bc she is so serious about it.

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