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Thoughts on this ask out

spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
A man on friendly terms w/ a woman he is interested in sends her this text:

Let me know when you are single again, mentally and physically, so we can go out.

Reasonable? Intrusive? Straightfoward? Goofy?

Comments

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    A man on friendly terms w/ a woman he is interested in sends her this text:

    Let me know when you are single again, mentally and physically, so we can go out.

    Reasonable? Intrusive? Straightfoward? Goofy?

    It's a little presumptive and cocky (assumes that even if she is not in a relationship, she may be mentally hung up on an ex, assumes that she isn't available to him only because she is in a relationship or has baggage from one, assumes that she would go out with him once she is single.) My opinion as to whether it is intrusive or unwelcome depends on the relationship between the two and what they have discussed in the past.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • Parissy198907Parissy198907 Posts: 479Registered Users
    I think it's straightforward. I admire his honesty.
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  • DedachanDedachan Posts: 1,644Registered Users
    Reasonable? From a strictly rational aspect, yes. But there are societal conventions one must consider.

    Intrusive? No. I would say it's even a bit lazy. He wants her to hold his place in line, and he does this by sending a text? But maybe there's been some previous flirting and he's already dropped a few hints...dunno.

    Straightfoward? Yes.

    Goofy? Hopefully. If this guy has a quirky sense of humour, I'd understand. If not and you're supposed to read it in all seriousness, then it's just off putting.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    To me, putting something like that in a text makes it seem not serious. The question is whether it's not serious because he's a guy playing the field who just wants to throw a bone out there or if he is serious but wants to appear casual to guard against rejection. This seems that it should be a serious conversation you have face-to-face. In fact, I recall years ago having such a conversation.... with my now-husband. Texting is great, but I don't think it is appropriate for heavy emotional topics where you need to see the person's face and body language, or conversations where the meaning is ambiguous and it needs to be clear whether the person is being "goofy" or not.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    It would depend on the context for sure.

    On the surface it sounds like a guy I wouldn't bother with because it seems disrespectful of current relationships.


    However, it depends what conversations they've had. I could see if she's discussed that she's emotionally wrapped up and trying to disentangle herself from something, and isn't ready to have anything happen with him it could be totally appropriate. I'm having trouble picturing it as even potentially goofy, though!
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    There's more...

    Her: Why, am I going to be dusted for fingerprints?

    Him: No, but it would be nice to spend time with you and you're not thinking about anyone else.

    Her: Sorry, but you don't get to control people's thoughts. :)
    And how many times have people said to you, "hey, Joe, let's go out...but only if you haven't slept with anyone else for the past six months"?

    You are crazy. You know it doesn't work that way!

    Him: Yeah, I'm crazy for you! :)


    My issue w/ it is that he is jumping the gun. Whe you ask someone out, the best you're going to get in terms of a guarantee or whatever is that the other person is not in a committed relationship. You can't control who else she is or is not thinking about or with whom she is or is not physically involved. In the early stages of dating someone, aren't you always supposed to assume the other person is dating other people and possibly sleeping w/ other people?

    Maybe the object of your affection is thinking about someone else. Maybe she isn't. So let the best man win. If the two of you are compatible, and you handle your business, any other love interests will fade into the background.

    I read this and I say to myself: what a damn nerve to believe he can dictate who she sleeps with...much less, who she thinks about!

    Presumptuous, exactly, Amneris. And, yes, doesn't seem to grasp normal societal conventions, Dedachan. Or thinks he is above them.

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    So his issue is that she is single but he thinks she is still thinking about someone else? And he doesn't want to go out with her even casually until she is completely over that person? Or is it that he wants to go out with her exclusively immediately and doesn't want her to be sleeping with or dating anyone else?

    In that case, he sounds insecure.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Are they already friends?

    I can see it from someone with whom there's already a non-dating relationship. When I've gotten involved with friends it was exclusive from the start because we already had the emotional involvement there. And no way they would have wanted to get involved while I was pining over someone else.

    If I'm starting to date someone with whom I don't have a friendship relationship already I start with the assumption they are dating others. I can't handle dating multiple people at once well so I am almost immediately going to be seeing a guy exclusively, but don't think it's reasonable to be asked to do so immediately, and wouldn't ask it of someone else.

    Now as far as *sleeping* with someone - I actually think it's totally reasonable to ask someone to wait 6 months since there are thoughts about that being safest as far as STD testing being able to show positives when they should show up...
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    NetG wrote: »
    Are they already friends?

    I can see it from someone with whom there's already a non-dating relationship. When I've gotten involved with friends it was exclusive from the start because we already had the emotional involvement there. And no way they would have wanted to get involved while I was pining over someone else.

    If I'm starting to date someone with whom I don't have a friendship relationship already I start with the assumption they are dating others. I can't handle dating multiple people at once well so I am almost immediately going to be seeing a guy exclusively, but don't think it's reasonable to be asked to do so immediately, and wouldn't ask it of someone else.

    Now as far as *sleeping* with someone - I actually think it's totally reasonable to ask someone to wait 6 months since there are thoughts about that being safest as far as STD testing being able to show positives when they should show up...

    I agree, NetG. I know my values on this differ from those of most people, but no way would I date someone who is currently sleeping with other people or who has recently been doing so. I wouldn't even want to go on a first date with someone if that is what they were all about. I wouldn't ask them not to do it, but I'd find out if they were doing it, and if they were, that would show me that their character, values etc. clearly would not be compatible with mine and it would be a waste of time to go out. But the conversation spidey provided didn't seem to suggest that that is what is being discussed. I was surprised that it jumped into a conversation about "sleeping with." Clearly I'm naive when it comes to this type of stuff.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    There's more...

    Her: Why, am I going to be dusted for fingerprints?

    Him: No, but it would be nice to spend time with you and you're not thinking about anyone else.

    Her: Sorry, but you don't get to control people's thoughts. :)
    And how many times have people said to you, "hey, Joe, let's go out...but only if you haven't slept with anyone else for the past six months"?

    You are crazy. You know it doesn't work that way!

    Him: Yeah, I'm crazy for you! :)


    My issue w/ it is that he is jumping the gun. Whe you ask someone out, the best you're going to get in terms of a guarantee or whatever is that the other person is not in a committed relationship. You can't control who else she is or is not thinking about or with whom she is or is not physically involved. In the early stages of dating someone, aren't you always supposed to assume the other person is dating other people and possibly sleeping w/ other people?

    Maybe the object of your affection is thinking about someone else. Maybe she isn't. So let the best man win. If the two of you are compatible, and you handle your business, any other love interests will fade into the background.

    I read this and I say to myself: what a damn nerve to believe he can didctate who she sleeps with...much less, who she thinks about!

    Presumptuous, exactly, Amneris. And, yes, doesn't seem to grasp normal societal conventions, Dedachan. Or thinks he is above them.

    Re: bold underlined. I would assume possibly seeing other people but I would not assume sleeping with other people. As I said, maybe I am out of touch on this, but to me, multiple simultaneous sexual partners are a big red flag and a character/moral failing of sorts, so I would want to KNOW if this were the case because this would not be someone suited for me and vice versa. I would not be comfortable at all with that and would be worried that if it worked out and we became sexually involved, there would be a risk to me of disease. I hope I am never, ever single again, because even just having to consider these possibilities grosses me out!
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote: »
    There's more...

    Her: Why, am I going to be dusted for fingerprints?

    Him: No, but it would be nice to spend time with you and you're not thinking about anyone else.

    Her: Sorry, but you don't get to control people's thoughts. :)
    And how many times have people said to you, "hey, Joe, let's go out...but only if you haven't slept with anyone else for the past six months"?

    You are crazy. You know it doesn't work that way!

    Him: Yeah, I'm crazy for you! :)


    My issue w/ it is that he is jumping the gun. Whe you ask someone out, the best you're going to get in terms of a guarantee or whatever is that the other person is not in a committed relationship. You can't control who else she is or is not thinking about or with whom she is or is not physically involved. In the early stages of dating someone, aren't you always supposed to assume the other person is dating other people and possibly sleeping w/ other people?

    Maybe the object of your affection is thinking about someone else. Maybe she isn't. So let the best man win. If the two of you are compatible, and you handle your business, any other love interests will fade into the background.

    I read this and I say to myself: what a damn nerve to believe he can didctate who she sleeps with...much less, who she thinks about!

    Presumptuous, exactly, Amneris. And, yes, doesn't seem to grasp normal societal conventions, Dedachan. Or thinks he is above them.

    Re: bold underlined. I would assume possibly seeing other people but I would not assume sleeping with other people. As I said, maybe I am out of touch on this, but to me, multiple simultaneous sexual partners are a big red flag and a character/moral failing of sorts, so I would want to KNOW if this were the case because this would not be someone suited for me and vice versa. I would not be comfortable at all with that and would be worried that if it worked out and we became sexually involved, there would be a risk to me of disease. I hope I am never, ever single again, because even just having to consider these possibilities grosses me out!

    I think it's safe to say most people would prefer their new dating partner not be sexually involved w/ other people. (I hope, anyway. LOL)

    I, personally, find it gross and uncomfortable to be in a situation where I am physically involved w/ two people, and it's nothing I've ever been able to do/maintain. But my understanding is that some people are more than OK w/ that..esp men, but many women, too.

    But preferences aside, is it fair or proper to ask a woman to confirm prior to a first date that she is not in any way physically involved w/ someone else or even mentally involved? I mean, is it really the business of a man who wants to take a woman out on a first date when she has last been intimate w/ someone or if she entertains any romantic feeings for someone besides himself.

    Shouldn't that kind of discussion and disclosure come after a mutual connection is established and a decision to take things to the next level is made?

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Amneris wrote: »
    There's more...

    Her: Why, am I going to be dusted for fingerprints?

    Him: No, but it would be nice to spend time with you and you're not thinking about anyone else.

    Her: Sorry, but you don't get to control people's thoughts. :)
    And how many times have people said to you, "hey, Joe, let's go out...but only if you haven't slept with anyone else for the past six months"?

    You are crazy. You know it doesn't work that way!

    Him: Yeah, I'm crazy for you! :)


    My issue w/ it is that he is jumping the gun. Whe you ask someone out, the best you're going to get in terms of a guarantee or whatever is that the other person is not in a committed relationship. You can't control who else she is or is not thinking about or with whom she is or is not physically involved. In the early stages of dating someone, aren't you always supposed to assume the other person is dating other people and possibly sleeping w/ other people?

    Maybe the object of your affection is thinking about someone else. Maybe she isn't. So let the best man win. If the two of you are compatible, and you handle your business, any other love interests will fade into the background.

    I read this and I say to myself: what a damn nerve to believe he can didctate who she sleeps with...much less, who she thinks about!

    Presumptuous, exactly, Amneris. And, yes, doesn't seem to grasp normal societal conventions, Dedachan. Or thinks he is above them.

    Re: bold underlined. I would assume possibly seeing other people but I would not assume sleeping with other people. As I said, maybe I am out of touch on this, but to me, multiple simultaneous sexual partners are a big red flag and a character/moral failing of sorts, so I would want to KNOW if this were the case because this would not be someone suited for me and vice versa. I would not be comfortable at all with that and would be worried that if it worked out and we became sexually involved, there would be a risk to me of disease. I hope I am never, ever single again, because even just having to consider these possibilities grosses me out!

    I think it's safe to say most people would prefer their new dating partner not be sexually involved w/ other people. (I hope, anyway. LOL)

    I, personally, find it gross and uncomfortable to be in a situation where I am physically involved w/ two people. But my understanding is that some people are more than OK w/ that..esp men, but many women, too.

    But preferences aside, is it fair or proper to ask a woman to confirm prior to a first date that she is not in any way physically involved w/ someone else or even mentally involved? I mean, is it really the business of a man who wants to take a woman out on a first date when she has last been intimate w/ someone or if she entertains any romantic feeings for someone besides himself.

    Shouldn't that kind of discussion and disclosure come after a mutual connection is established and a decision to take things to the next level is made?

    I don't think it's anyone's business if you are mentally involved with anyone or what you think about at any stage of a relationship. But I absolutely think it's fine for a man or a woman to ask if a person is sexually involved with anyone else and their recent sexual history, as that directly affects the askee's health if they get sexually involved, and as I said, may indicate their character by some standards. I wouldn't want to get involved, fall hard and THEN find out they're having regular booty calls with three other women, or were doing so a month ago.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • nynaeve77nynaeve77 Posts: 7,135Registered Users Curl Novice
    Amneris wrote: »
    I hope I am never, ever single again, because even just having to consider these possibilities grosses me out!
    Heh, me too. I didn't like the dating game much before I was married, and I think I'd hate it even more now. So much stress!
    "Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest."--Linus, A Charlie Brown Christmas


    My fotki: /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fpublic.fotki.com%2Fnynaeve77%2F" class="Popup
    Password: orphanannie
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote: »
    But I absolutely think it's fine for a man or a woman to ask if a person is sexually involved with anyone else and their recent sexual history...

    Before the first date? And as a condition of asking for or accepting a first date?

  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    Have they already established that there is a mutual attraction?

    Blame it on the cell phone...
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Amneris wrote: »
    But the conversation spidey provided didn't seem to suggest that that is what is being discussed. I was surprised that it jumped into a conversation about "sleeping with." Clearly I'm naive when it comes to this type of stuff.

    I didn't take it that way at first, but I think that's how folks were taking the "physically single" part of it?

    Again, context really matters - are they already emotionally involved as friends, or are they near strangers?

    Actually, "I'm crazy about you" would creep me out if it were coming from a virtual stranger. There's a whole lot more to me than looks and if he only knows my appearance and thinks that, from my experience, ick. He won't be likely interested in me as a person.

    Drawn to, attracted to, and really wanting to get to know me better? Sure. But crazy about that early? No, buh-bye.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    LOL. I am "her" in this story. (Tho I am usually not the "her" in other stories I post about.)

    I've known this guy for quite a while and he has always liked me. I've toyed w/ the idea of going out on a date w/ him but...it hasn't happened for various reasons.

    Yes, a relationship I had been in for about a year ended a few months ago and I have been casually going out w/ men here and there recently.

    He knows the timeline and he knows roughly the extent of my feelings for the previous bf.

    Honestly, at this moment, I am just not a great candidate for someone to pursue for a serious commitment. And I have said as much. (Though I think I am great catch to date casually! LOL)

    His problem is that he always complains to me that by the time he realizes I am truly single again and works up the courage to ask me out, I've already met someone else and he "misses his chance" each time.

    The truth is, I'm not looking for anything serious right now, but I would be interested hanging out w/ him and seeing if there is any connection beyond platonic friendship. And if there is, when I'm interested in being in a serious relationship, I would let him know.

    But it seems as though he needs some kind of official declaration on my part that I haven't been doing this, I won't be doing that, I can't ever think about this... Like I am supppsed to cease any and all mental and physical involvement (no matter how innocent) w/ everyone else for a certain ength of time such that he is reassured he has no competition, in order for him to go out w/ me.

    And to me, that is not how dating works. I don't feel I should have to be accountable to him on that level before we go out on even one date.

    eta - Plz don't misunderstand: This is not some major life crisis I'm grappling with and desperately need help with. I just put it out there as fodder for discussion...bc I just thought the opposing PsOV were interesting.

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Amneris wrote: »
    But I absolutely think it's fine for a man or a woman to ask if a person is sexually involved with anyone else and their recent sexual history...

    Before the first date? And as a condition of asking for or accepting a first date?

    I probably wouldn't do it THAT early, but I certainly would well before it got serious. Each person has their own standards on this. If sex on the first date is a possibility, then it makes sense to ask. I don't think asking before the first date as a condition of going on the date is a bad idea.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    LOL. I am "her" in this story. (Tho I am usually not the "her" in other stories I post about.)

    I figured as much, spidey.

    What you said confirms to me that he is insecure. I agree with you that you shouldn't have to be that accountable to him or justify your private thoughts or every little thing you do. If he's waiting for you to be a complete blank slate, he'll be waiting forever because you are a person with a past and a history and he can't erase all of that.

    I think your idea of hanging out and seeing where it goes makes sense. Have you suggested that, and what did he say?

    Here's another question: when people say "dating" or "seeing each other" do others assume that that is a euphemism for "having sex?"
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote: »
    Amneris wrote: »
    But I absolutely think it's fine for a man or a woman to ask if a person is sexually involved with anyone else and their recent sexual history...

    Before the first date? And as a condition of asking for or accepting a first date?

    I probably wouldn't do it THAT early, but I certainly would well before it got serious. Each person has their own standards on this. If sex on the first date is a possibility, then it makes sense to ask. I don't think asking before the first date as a condition of going on the date is a bad idea.

    No guy who knows me is going to think sex on the first date is a possibility! Including this guy.

    It's just that men don't indulge these kinds of "manipulative" behaviors from women (i.e., confirm to me that you aren't thinking about any other women before I go out w/ you...). We take our chances and go. It psses me off that a man would expect me to indulge him in this.

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Amneris wrote: »

    Before the first date? And as a condition of asking for or accepting a first date?

    I probably wouldn't do it THAT early, but I certainly would well before it got serious. Each person has their own standards on this. If sex on the first date is a possibility, then it makes sense to ask. I don't think asking before the first date as a condition of going on the date is a bad idea.

    No guy who knows me is going to think sex on the first date is a possibility! Including this guy.

    It's just that men don't indulge these kinds of "manipulative" behaviors from women (i.e., confirm to me that you aren't thinking about any other women before I go out w/ you...). We take our chances and go. It psses me off that a man would expect me to indulge him in this.

    I know what you're saying. But it sounds like he just said to let him know when you're not thinking about someone else. I didn't like the presumptuous way in which he said it, but he's certainly entitled to ask, and you're certainly entitled not to engage if you don't like it. And as a woman, I would absolutely ask if I wanted to know, and not just "take my chances and go".

    I think that's the tricky part of going from good friends to dating. Your good friend knows all the ins and outs of your relationships and baggage you would never share with a man you just met. I think of my best guy friend who knows stuff about my past my husband doesn't know (because it wasn't relevant by then, not out of any attempt to deceive) as well as stuff about my marriage. Likewise, I know all about his past decade and a half of dating, all his breakups, etc. If I were to lose my husband, best guy friend is definitely a quality person worth dating, but I could see what we know about each other being a minus as well as a plus. You have to build on the fact you're comfortable with one another but kind of pretend that the other stuff doesn't exist.

    Like for example, let's say you once made a comment about loving muscular guys and being attracted to your current boyfriend due to his physique and this guy is very skinny. You may not have meant it as an absolute, or you may have changed your mind since then, or you might be able to overlook that for other qualities, but in his mind, you're constantly comparing him to your muscular ex, because he's insecure.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote: »
    LOL. I am "her" in this story. (Tho I am usually not the "her" in other stories I post about.)

    I figured as much, spidey.

    But I'm usually not! LOL
    Amneris wrote: »
    What you said confirms to me that he is insecure. I agree with you that you shouldn't have to be that accountable to him or justify your private thoughts or every little thing you do. If he's waiting for you to be a complete blank slate, he'll be waiting forever because you are a person with a past and a history and he can't erase all of that.

    Yes, we are grown. Good and grown. We aren't high school kids.
    Amneris wrote: »
    I think your idea of hanging out and seeing where it goes makes sense. Have you suggested that, and what did he say?

    Yes, I have. And he says (I'm paraphrasing): I want to go out w/ you but I don't want to be wasting my time if you are still hung up on someone else. Nor do I want to be that kinda sucker who wines and dines a woman only to watch her go home to the other guy who she's really into and he says 'Did you have a nice dinner? Now come on over here to papa for dessert.' :laughing5: LOL
    Amneris wrote: »
    Here's another question: when people say "dating" or "seeing each other" do others assume that that is a euphemism for "having sex?"

    I don't assume that bc I have "dated" and "gone out w/" and considered myself "seeing" lots of men and there was no sex. But mostly, I don't assume anything about other people's relationships or think about them in that way or care.

    At this stage in my life, I do assume, generally, the men I date have had active sex lives over the span of many years with multiple people. Once I start to feel like our relationship might become sexual, then we talk about how long it's been, if anything is still going on and are they willing to get tested and be monogamous, etc

    But I certainly wouldn't hit someone over the head w/ those questions prior to the first date.

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Based on the response he gave you to your suggestion of hanging out, he sounds like someone I'd ditch. Why would he be "wasting his time" if you are already friends and he genuinely enjoys your company? And who's to say that you wouldn't get over the person you're hung up after you saw what he had to offer? And so what if you have dinner with him and "dessert" with someone else? Is he that cheap or easily wounded that he can't spare the expense of a dinner or two or the thought of providing it? Plus, who says he has to pay for the dinner? Perhaps you guys could split it or sometimes it would be your treat. He sounds very unappealing to me.

    I don't think you should "hit people over the head" with extensive questions about their entire history before a first date. But for me, I would want to know if they are currently or very recently intimately involved. I don't want some other person (or persons) mistakenly thinking they are exclusive coming after me or causing drama, for example. So I guess I'd find a way to ask about that in a tactful manner.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    A man on friendly terms w/ a woman he is interested in sends her this text:

    Let me know when you are single again, mentally and physically, so we can go out.

    Reasonable? Intrusive? Straightfoward? Goofy?

    My first thought was, is this guy serious? It sounds very cocky, IMO. That he thinks that he's ALL that, that he's been waiting for you, so you need to jump at the chance to experience his prowess.

    I'd try to think of something witty to fire back at him. He sounds too cocky for me.

    I am not sure about the insecurity that others have mentioned...but it sounds like HE doesn't think about past relationships or other people when he's dating? I'd call him out on that. IMO, it's pretty much impossible to NOT think of your past relationships, or other people sometimes. Not that you have to act on those feelings, but I will admit that I still occasionally think of my HS boyfriend...and I wouldn't doubt that my husband thinks of his previous long term relationship. It's not like we are CALLING these people, but to THINK of them occasionally? That's ok with me.

    He almost sounds controlling. Think of HIM and ONLY HIM.

    I dunno.
    :rambo:
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote: »
    Based on the response he gave you to your suggestion of hanging out, he sounds like someone I'd ditch. Why would he be "wasting his time" if you are already friends and he genuinely enjoys your company? And who's to say that you wouldn't get over the person you're hung up after you saw what he had to offer? And so what if you have dinner with him and "dessert" with someone else? Is he that cheap or easily wounded that he can't spare the expense of a dinner or two or the thought of providing it? Plus, who says he has to pay for the dinner? Perhaps you guys could split it or sometimes it would be your treat. He sounds very unappealing to me.

    I don't think you should "hit people over the head" with extensive questions about their entire history before a first date. But for me, I would want to know if they are currently or very recently intimately involved. I don't want some other person (or persons) mistakenly thinking they are exclusive coming after me or causing drama, for example. So I guess I'd find a way to ask about that in a tactful manner.

    He doesn't sound like someone I'd be into either.

    In terms of dating history, if it's a first or second date, I might not ask too many questions. By the third date, if things are looking a little more serious, I am going to be curious if he's dating other people. I wouldn't ask about sexual history until we got to that point, or if it came up somewhere else OTHER than the bedroom.

    Thinking back to my dating days...13 years ago...the subject of exclusivity ALWAYS came up around the second or third date. I do NOT date men who date other women at the same time they are dating me. It just leaves TOO much in the open and makes me feel as though I cannot trust them. Who is to say that he's dating me and three other women, and sleeping with someone else? I don't like that.
    I also didn't date more than one man at a time.
    :rambo:
  • cailincailin Posts: 899Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    His problem is that he always complains to me that by the time he realizes I am truly single again and works up the courage to ask me out, I've already met someone else and he "misses his chance" each time.

    Welp, tell him to sh or get off the pot. "work up the courage to ask you out" makes him sound like a bellyaching teenager from a John Hughes movie. Either he wants to take a chance and date you, or he doesn't. No caveats and all that jazz just date you, how you are, right now.

    Personally I always think "I'm not looking for something serious until I find a guy with who I want to be serious" I'd tell him to stop being all insecure and rulesy and start being so incredibly awesome that you wouldn't want to think of anyone else but him.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    cailin wrote: »
    His problem is that he always complains to me that by the time he realizes I am truly single again and works up the courage to ask me out, I've already met someone else and he "misses his chance" each time.

    Welp, tell him to sh or get off the pot. "work up the courage to ask you out" makes him sound like a bellyaching teenager from a John Hughes movie. Either he wants to take a chance and date you, or he doesn't. No caveats and all that jazz just date you, how you are, right now.

    Personally I always think "I'm not looking for something serious until I find a guy with who I want to be serious" I'd tell him to stop being all insecure and rulesy and start being so incredibly awesome that you wouldn't want to think of anyone else but him.

    Too funny! And exactly how I feel!

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