CurlTalk

Is ok to be friends with exes

anagrayanagray Posts: 12Registered Users
Curious to know your opinion on your significant other establishing a friendship with their ex after the fact that the two of you have been together for a year? Is it ok? Not ok? Would you be wary?
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  • NaeShelleNaeShelle Posts: 49Registered Users
    Eh. I've always had the position that, if we're in a relationship, we were in it because we were great friends - at least, I don't find myself in a relationship if the other person and I weren't great friends first.
    That being said, if we were such great friends (or friends period) and dating didn't work out, it's OK. Because, we were friends first, meaning we can be friends again.
    Of course, it's not going to be easy just jumping back into a friendship; in a relationship, there are obviously different feelings than there were when you two were dating.
    Still, I'd be OK with it. If we were good friends in the first place, our relationship (platonic or otherwise) should be able to withstand the trials (and, in this case, ultimate dismantlement) of a romantic relationship.

    Then again, I don't find myself in too many relationships because of the above "friend" reason. So, maybe I'm not the best fount of knowledge...

    *And please note that this is coming from a teenager. So, as much "relationship" experience as I could have possibly had in my lifetime. Still, I think mine is a view point one could have at nearly any age...
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  • sleepymekosleepymeko Posts: 1,002Registered Users
    Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

    I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.
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  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    It depends.

    If one of the exes is still carrying a torch for the other, then it is not OK. If one of the exes is trying to pull some shady stuff and undermine the current relationship, not OK.

    Otherwise, why not.
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  • Fifi.GFifi.G Posts: 15,490Registered Users
    I agree with Geeky. If we mutually have no romantic feelings toward each other, I'm 200% fine with it. If I still have feelings for him, or vice versa, it's a huge no.

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  • rouquinnerouquinne Posts: 13,499Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    if children are involved - yes. i've heard it helps.

    otherwise, no.

    i am NOT friends with any ex.

    and i say this because i saw one of my best friends remain friends with an ex of hers in the hopes that he'd "come around".

    eventually... he did.

    unfortunately, she was living with someone else at the time. when The Ex "declared himself" the day after xmas 2010, she went home and threw her live-in boyfriend out, even though they had a great and stable relationship. and The Ex had broken my friend's heart TWICE before, by dumping her at the slightest provocation.

    my friend and The Ex are now married, but another person was badly hurt in the process. i will never think the same of her again because of that.

    so ... no, it's NOT okay to be friends with an Ex. to move forward with your life, you have to be free of all encumbrances.
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  • SCGSCG Posts: 5,416Registered Users
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

    I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.

    Yeah, that's generally where I fall on this topic, as well...

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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm friends w several of my exes. Why not?

    If the current SO objected, I would tone down the friendship, out of respect. But I would still have friendly feelings toward the ex, even if we didn't still hang out or talk much.

    I don't understand the problem...

  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    rouquinne wrote: »
    if children are involved - yes. i've heard it helps.

    otherwise, no.

    i am NOT friends with any ex.

    and i say this because i saw one of my best friends remain friends with an ex of hers in the hopes that he'd "come around".

    eventually... he did.

    unfortunately, she was living with someone else at the time. when The Ex "declared himself" the day after xmas 2010, she went home and threw her live-in boyfriend out, even though they had a great and stable relationship. and The Ex had broken my friend's heart TWICE before, by dumping her at the slightest provocation.

    my friend and The Ex are now married, but another person was badly hurt in the process. i will never think the same of her again because of that.

    so ... no, it's NOT okay to be friends with an Ex. to move forward with your life, you have to be free of all encumbrances.

    Based on this one bizarre incident??

    But people get dumped all the time, ex or no ex.

  • kimmidawnkimmidawn Posts: 900Registered Users
    I'm friends w several of my exes. Why not?

    If the current SO objected, I would tone down the friendship, out of respect. But I would still have friendly feelings toward the ex, even if we didn't still hang out or talk much.

    I'm of this frame of mind as well. My best guy friend, L, is a guy I dated for six months way back when and the guy I dated after him, E, wasn't completely comfortable with us being friends (he was of the mind exes should not be friends), so I cut back on how often and how much L and I talked (L lived a few states away so when E wanted to talk to him on the phone, I was more than happy to put them on the phone and they talked for a few minutes), but I would not have completely cut L out of my life.

    The way I think, I would have no problem compromising for a significant other, but I would not give up a friend for a significant other (assuming there's no disrespectfulness going on).
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  • rouquinnerouquinne Posts: 13,499Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Based on this one bizarre incident??

    not just this one time - i`ve seen it happen before, with men as well as women. this just happens to be the most extreme example i`ve recently had experience with...
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  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    In general, it hasn't been possible for me to remain friends with most of my exes. One or both of you often still have residual feelings and it's hard to dial a relationship back after you've been intimate. Hanging on to someone like that can keep you from moving on. Recently, I was friends with one of my exes (although not particularly close), but a few months ago, I ended up hiding him from my news feed on FB as I found him extremely annoying. I realized he probably always was that way but I willfully ignored it until I was able to get enough distance from the relationship.
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  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm friends w several of my exes. Why not?

    If the current SO objected, I would tone down the friendship, out of respect. But I would still have friendly feelings toward the ex, even if we didn't still hang out or talk much.

    I don't understand the problem...

    Me too. There are very few exes I have that I'm not friends with anymore. I actually think there is only one that I wouldn't be friends with because I never liked him as a friend in the first place, we just fell into a relationship.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    SCG wrote: »
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

    I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.

    Yeah, that's generally where I fall on this topic, as well...

    Same here. I guess if I wasn't totally in love about to marry the guy and we were just dating I could see myself being friends. But I only date seriously and have two exes. I'm kind of friends with one ex and it's odd but I keep in touch since we both deeply love and care for each other. It would get weird if we lived in the same city and actually saw each other. I haven't seen him since we broke up. My last ex, still working on getting rid of him completely. I'm bad at breakups.
  • NejNej Posts: 2,444Registered Users
    I stay in touch with exes but as long as there are feelings you can never be friends in the true sense of the word.

    Once I meet someone else I think it's best to cut ties out of respect Unless its a truly platonic friendship.


    Eta: I have zero contact with the ex I was going to marry. The only ones I am friendly with now are the ones where the transition from lover to friend was easy.



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  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

    I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.

    Here.

    Most of my exes are from long term relationships. If my long term relationship ended, it ended badly. I stay in relationships until I've drained the life out of them. Afterwards there's nothing left but contempt.

    I've stayed friends with guys I've 'dated', but only superficially.

    I did stay friends with one guy I was with for a long time in high school. But I felt the relationship tended to be one sided and it wasn't worth the slight disrespect I felt it was towards my current bf to continue the friendship.

    To the OP, if an ex of my boyfriend came up out of the blue and wanted them to be friends, yes, I'd take issue with that.

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  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Posts: 19,251Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I am friends with 3 exes (I was with them 10+ years each). I have drinks with ex#1 when he comes to town and we email every few weeks. I see ex#2 occasionally and we text or talk on the phone every few months. I see or talk/text/email ex#3 a couple times a week. He is my best friend.
    I can't see myself giving up my friendships for any reason, so any current boyfriends are told of them and have to choose how they deal with it.
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  • LAwomanLAwoman Posts: 2,949Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I feel amicably towards all of my exes (except the most recent one) and am even "Friends" with a few of them on Facebook.

    But "friends" in the sense of calling, texting, getting together every so often- NO! Definitely not.

    However that's my stance on the matter. To each her own!
  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm also against friends with exes in Facebook. Why is it necessary to keep tabs on someone you used to have sex with? (Unless you're actually hang-out-with type friends)

    But I think Facebook is the devil anyway. ;p

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  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users
    I have no problem with it. Even after my boyfriend left me (and wound up marrying) this chick I knew had a crush on him. (They were not exes, though. Still wouldn't matter)

    The was I look at it (now), if he wants to be with me, he'll be with me.

    I'm facebook friends with my first BF. Haven't seen him since college. I've only had three other actual boyfriends and I'm not friend with them, I don't count the men I just dated and/or slept with. I'm still friends with most of them.
  • sleepymekosleepymeko Posts: 1,002Registered Users
    iroc wrote: »
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

    I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.

    Here.

    Most of my exes are from long term relationships. If my long term relationship ended, it ended badly. I stay in relationships until I've drained the life out of them. Afterwards there's nothing left but contempt.

    I've stayed friends with guys I've 'dated', but only superficially.

    I did stay friends with one guy I was with for a long time in high school. But I felt the relationship tended to be one sided and it wasn't worth the slight disrespect I felt it was towards my current bf to continue the friendship.

    To the OP, if an ex of my boyfriend came up out of the blue and wanted them to be friends, yes, I'd take issue with that.

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    I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

    I really don't have interest in being friends with them. Whatever we had, it was what it was and I feel like for me, I cannot move on if they're still hanging around me. I need to disconnect myself from that person.

    I even go as far to delete all contact with them (including FB). I just don't want to SEE what it is they're doing. And I think I'm smart for doing this because so many of my friends get upset or feel weird when they see that their ex has found someone else. I don't go through that because I don't see it. Nor do I go looking for info on them.

    All of this helps me to completely get over the person 100%, to the point when I am finally "fine" I don't see the point of being friends with them anyway.

    The best way to describe how I feel about my exes is indifference. I have disconnected myself so much from them that I don't care what they do, who they're dating, nothing. And in a way it makes me feel empowered. Because all that time away has made me realize they weren't the best person for me and I'm better w/o them in my life.
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  • texascurlytexascurly Posts: 1,967Registered Users
    I can't be friends with exes. We broke up for a reason and once I'm done with someone, I'm DONE. I hate it when they come out of the woodwork to wish me a happy birthday, Merry Christmas or whatever... It's like they think they are making my day better and the reality of is they are pissing me off!!

    Nope, no friends of exes for me. I don't want to know when they start dating someone else or anything like that. I'm not friends in real life or on facebook with exes. :thumbdown:
  • poisonivypoisonivy Posts: 1,551Registered Users
    I'm really good friends with my x but we have 2 kids together. A lot of people think its weird but he is even super close to my 4 younger kids who are not his. My 9 year old spends a lot of entire weekends at his house! I know it's rare but it's definitely the rrbest thing when kids are involved.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

    I really don't have interest in being friends with them.

    What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

    I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.

  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

    I really don't have interest in being friends with them.

    What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

    I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.

    I'm like this. Most of my relationships didn't end because of anger, but just because they were stagnant or we lost that kind of interest or didn't have the same life goals. I don't blame them or myself for that. Sometimes relationships don't work out for reasons other than someone doing something "wrong."
  • sleepymekosleepymeko Posts: 1,002Registered Users
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

    I really don't have interest in being friends with them.

    What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

    I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.

    Nope. Because the friendship would be a reminder that this relationship was a failure. Also, I may still have romantic feelings for them so I still cut them off. Cutting them off is me getting over someone.

    Like I said, I have plenty of friends. I don't need more. If the relationship was just the wrong timing, that's fine and everything but I still wouldn't keep in contact with you and it has happened before. Actually, I still get kind of pissed off because I wasted my valuable time with someone when either I or he knew it wasn't right.

    I'm OK being friends with someone if I haven't invested anything in the relationship. But that isn't a relationship, we were just "seeing" each other. Going on a few dates and deciding this isn't going to work out is perfectly fine with me and I'm OK being friends with them. Since mainly, we were not in a relationship in the first place.

    But if I was actually in a relationship with a guy and he randomly tells me this isn't the perf timing, I would be pissed off since he should've told me sooner. And yup, I still wouldn't be friends.
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  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

    I really don't have interest in being friends with them.

    What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

    I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.



    Then that leaves it open to start back up again, or the chance of something happening together.

    If I was still okay with this person, still though they were a good person, still found them attractive, what would stop me from maybe making a mistake again and getting involved with them? If feelings were there once, who's to say they couldn't be there again?

    That to me is even more reason to not stay friends with an ex. Or why I wouldn't want a current boyfriend to be friends with their ex.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    iroc wrote: »
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

    I really don't have interest in being friends with them.

    What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

    I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.



    Then that leaves it open to start back up again, or the chance of something happening together.

    If I was still okay with this person, still though they were a good person, still found them attractive, what would stop me from maybe making a mistake again and getting involved with them? If feelings were there once, who's to say they couldn't be there again?

    That to me is even more reason to not stay friends with an ex. Or why I wouldn't want a current boyfriend to be friends with their ex.

    I guess bc you would see their limitations/inappropriateness as a partner and also bc you would have moved onto someone else romantically and lost your feelings for the original person.

  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    iroc wrote: »

    What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

    I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.



    Then that leaves it open to start back up again, or the chance of something happening together.

    If I was still okay with this person, still though they were a good person, still found them attractive, what would stop me from maybe making a mistake again and getting involved with them? If feelings were there once, who's to say they couldn't be there again?

    That to me is even more reason to not stay friends with an ex. Or why I wouldn't want a current boyfriend to be friends with their ex.

    I guess bc you would see their limitations/inappropriateness as a partner and also bc you would have moved onto someone else romantically and lost your feelings for the original person.


    Rationally, yes. But matters of the heart are not rational. And once you have feelings for someone, (i'm talking a relationship, not just a couple of dates) somewhere those feelings are going to be there.

    I think what you're proposing is a nice idea, but it kind of seems like playing with fire to me To 'trust yourself' that you are going to be trustworthy to your current partner, while you're doing things that continues establishing a relationship with someone you once loved.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    Nope. Because the friendship would be a reminder that this relationship was a failure...Actually, I still get kind of pissed off because I wasted my valuable time with someone when either I or he knew it wasn't right.

    But would it realy be a failure or a waste of time if you got a great, lifelong friend out of the deal?

    Who is to say, yrs later after the feelings have died down, etc., he wouldn't be the one to introduce you to your future spouse or something?

    I get that you already have a lot of friends but it's kinda cool to be friends w/ someone who knows you...differently than your other friends know you. Not in a freaky way (LOL) but just that he might have some special insight into your personality that other people don't...esp in the area of dating.

    Not trying to argue w/ you personally, just making conversation on the topic.

  • sleepymekosleepymeko Posts: 1,002Registered Users
    sleepymeko wrote: »
    Nope. Because the friendship would be a reminder that this relationship was a failure...Actually, I still get kind of pissed off because I wasted my valuable time with someone when either I or he knew it wasn't right.

    But would it realy be a failure or a waste of time if you got a great, lifelong friend out of the deal?

    Who is to say, yrs later after the feelings have died down, etc., he wouldn't be the one to introduce you to your future spouse or something?

    I get that you already have a lot of friends but it's kinda cool to be friends w/ someone who knows you...differently than your other friends know you. Not in a freaky way (LOL) but just that he might have some special insight into your personality that other people don't...esp in the area of dating.

    Not trying to argue w/ you personally, just making conversation on the topic.

    I already have several great lifetime friends, I don't need more. And I do NOT like having males as friends. Every male friend I have ever had has tried to make a move on me. IMHO a man will sleep with you as long as you give him the "OK". Men think differently than women do and I think a 100% platonic friendship is impossible.

    I do have male "friends" (more as acquaintances) but I never spend time with them. I spend my free time with my girlfriends.

    Also, I am exactly the same person that I am in a relationship and with friends. There is no "different" person. If anything, I avoid men who I find myself behaving strangely or differently around because I know I'm not being myself. I don't like being set up either.

    IDK. I think it works for some people but it's just not something I do. I have my girlfriends. If I have close male friends they are typically gay. I keep straight men at an arms length after from my past experiences, them one day getting too drunk and trying to makeout with me, etc. Did you know my first kiss was by a male friend?! Actually, most of my kisses have been by male friends who have made a move on me. I just don't like to keep them around too much.
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