CurlTalk

Fiance isn't a fan of the curls.

My fiance doesn't like my curls. When we first met I always straightened my hair and did so for the first three years of our relationship, only wearing it curly on a rare occasion, but it was doing so much damage and didn't grow for over a year. Finally, I got fed up and started going back to my curly roots... but my fiance doesn't like it.

He's told me that I am more attractive with straight hair and that I should wear it curly only 20% of the time. When we are going to have a "date night" he asks me to straighten my hair. It makes me feel very, very unattractive when my hair is natural. He likes to drive with the windows down, which as a curly with picky hair, that's a big no-no, and he hates that too.

Does anyone else have this problem? I would love it if he loved my hair. I've seen his ex that he was with for years before me, and she has curlier hair than I do and she NEVER straightened it. It makes me feel kind of like, "why was it ok for her, and not for me?"

It drives me nuts.
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Comments

  • JessiebananaJessiebanana Posts: 940Banned Users
    Obviously he's your fiance and you're committed to him, but I wouldn't want to be with someone that superficial. The things that *initially* attract you to someone often change, like hair length, weight, makeup, etc, so while some people might say you met him that way. I say it's just hair and he shouldn't be so hung up on it, especially if it's making you feel bad about your appearance. It's a really self centered attitude.

    What if you wanted to wear your hair in a pixie cut, what would he think then?
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  • greencup13greencup13 Posts: 596Registered Users
    I've never been with a guy that liked curly hair. My current bf met me with curly hair but knew me in highschool with straight hair. I straightened it probably 3 times in 3 years with him and every time he tells how much he likes it. He never told be he hated my curly hair, i dont think he reall cares I wonder what it would be like to have a guy like my curly hair lol.


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  • Auntie BubbsAuntie Bubbs Posts: 1,068Registered Users
    As has been said, obviously if he's your fiance, you're committed to him, but I personally would have a hard time being with someone in that kind of serious commitment, if that person made me feel bad about something that was so much a part of me. I love my hair, and it makes me feel good about myself to embrace and love my curls. To be with someone who hated them would make me feel like they hated a part of me I loved so much, it would really hurt me.

    I think you have a bigger issue than just that he hates your hair.
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  • FancyFreeFancyFree Posts: 6Registered Users
    You really need to talk to him about this, not us. It's one thing to prefer you the way he met you, but it's another to tear you down and make you feel ugly for having curly hair. That's the way the hair grows out of your head and it's not changing anytime soon. You need to explain to him how awful it makes you feel and ask him to stop coming on so strongly about it. You're dedicating your life to this guy, and if he can't handle one change, what happens when you put on weight? Or start going grey? Or if you want to dye your hair? If he doesn't stop going on about your hair after you talk to him, I would seriously rethink spending the rest of your life with this guy.
  • greencup13greencup13 Posts: 596Registered Users
    Have you told him that it upsets you?


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  • RustinaRustina Posts: 894Registered Users
    Does he have bad memories of his relationship with his ex? Maybe your curls remind him of his time with her and that's why he doesn't like your hair curly.


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  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,332Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    If a couple came into my office (I am a psychotherapist) and they had this issue between them, I would be very direct with the fiance. I would ask him, are you in love with her, or her hair? I would tell him - them - that life changes all of us - we get fat, we get thin, we get wrinkles, we get middle aged bellies, we get gray, we get bald - and I would tell him that he may as well begin to get used to these processes now, because they will happen all one's life. Frankly, and I dont mean to offend you, Chrystal, I think that his attitude is very immature, and very controlling. What will happen if you marry, have children, and put on some extra pounds? will he stop loving you, will he stop finding you attractive? I know some will disagree with my stridency on this issue, but I have seen too many women suffer in life because we do not meet the Madison avenue standard of beauty - or someone doesnt understand that life is change.
  • mcherycemcheryce Posts: 363Registered Users
    First of all, No you are NOT committed to him. You said fiance not husband. Second, what if you have curly children, then what?? You need to have a serious talk before you get married.
  • Jas76Jas76 Posts: 2,283Registered Users

    I've seen his ex that he was with for years before me, and she has curlier hair than I do and she NEVER straightened it. It makes me feel kind of like, "why was it ok for her, and not for me?"

    It drives me nuts.

    Ok, herein may lie your explanation. Did it end badly with her? Maybe your curls remind him - consciously or not - of her. And maybe that's not a positive correlation?

    And I must say, I agree that you fall in love with a person, not their look. Marriage is a lifetime commitment (or at least that's the intent when one enters into it), and your hair, skin, body, etc will change. Having kids will change your body in ways you've never imagined. And his will change too, of course.

    Turn the tables for a second - what if he went bald? Would you still love him? Find him attractive? What about when his belly starts to expand? His hair turns gray? Will you demand that he dyes it so it's not "offensive" to you?? Do either of you realize how rude that would sound?

    Not trying to say this guy is a worthless a-hole, or that you are some weak little doormat!! It very well could be that in many other aspects things are wonderful! Enviable! But even the greatest guys in the world need to get some perspective. I think you should point out the concepts some of us are stating here. Do it in a calm but direct manner, and let him know how it makes you feel. Turn the tables on him (just in making an example), see of that makes him understand more.

    Good luck!!
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  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,332Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Jas, you are being very kind. Maybe he didnt learn anything from the previous relationship, which is also a common problem. Contributing to the skyrocketing divorce rate. Oh, well, of the soapbox with me; this is a hair site, after all.
  • JessiebananaJessiebanana Posts: 940Banned Users
    mcheryce wrote: »
    First of all, No you are NOT committed to him. You said fiance not husband. Second, what if you have curly children, then what?? You need to have a serious talk before you get married.

    I would just like to clarify, I didn't mean she was committed in that she couldn't end things with him. My intent was to express respect for the relationship she has with him. Most of us consider agreeing to marry someone a big deal. I agree with Myrna though. I do think this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. It could be a indicator of a bigger problem.
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  • mcherycemcheryce Posts: 363Registered Users
    I got that. I was emphasizing the not part to make a point. So many ppl (me included last time around ) think the engagement is too late to speak up on stuff or change your mind. That's the only reason I did that. Better late than never if a deal breaker arises to address it vs ignore/overlook. Not saying the curly thing is a deal breaker. That's not our call.
  • MKcurlyMKcurly Posts: 103Registered Users
    When we are going to have a "date night" he asks me to straighten my hair.

    I'm sure I'm going to have my head bitten off but here it goes.

    I think you should do it for him. Think of it like wearing lingerie or getting a wax. You don't need to straighten you hair 80% of the time but if your getting dolled up for a date night, it's for him.

    He loves you, he accepts you. He hasn't said that he's ending it unless you straighten your hair every day. All he's done is expressed a preference for your appearance. This is a hair site and many people are hyper sensitive when it comes to their hair but honestly I don't think it's that big of a deal.
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,332Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I dont think its the same as getting a wax or wearing lingerie. How would you feel - using your analogy of the wax - if your guy said he didnt like your genital area au natural, and said he thought you should wax it because he didnt like it unwaxed? How would you feel if he said he did not think you were sexy unless you wore lingerie? Anyway, she did say his attitude made her feel "very, very unattractive", and that is the bottom line; she doesnt need to feel unattractive because he needs to grow up and stop being controlling. The issue here is the difference between choosing to do something that you think will please your guy, versus feeling forced or obligated to do so.
  • mcherycemcheryce Posts: 363Registered Users
    As far as the date night thing, I actually thought the same thing. If it's a turn on, go for it. Only be concerned if curly hair is a turnoff.
  • proudcurlygirlyproudcurlygirly Posts: 478Registered Users
    :angry3:I would be very offended if my partner said he wasn't a fan of my curls and insisted I straighten my hair. If you love wearing your hair curly, he should respect that. Your curls are a part of you and if he wants to change that aspect of you, and you give in, what else will he insist you change to please him? You could politely point out how hurt you feel and ask him how he would like it if you remarked on something about his appearance you didn't like and asked him to change it against his will. (Hopefully this might make him realise and think twice!)

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  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,332Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    See, we make these mistakes. Someone says "I want you to wear your hair straight, I dont find it attractive - you attractive - curly". Instead of paying attention to the sick feeling we get in our gut (because of attachment to the person making the demand), we try to override that sick feeling; we say, Oh its not so bad, oh, he is really a good guy; we try to deny, minimize and fix the problem. It is not HER problem. It is HIS problem, and its just my opinion as a shrink and a woman, but Chrystal, please pay attention not just to the controlling behavior, but to that sick feeling you have in your stomach. That is intuition saying something isnt right. Chrystal, I hope you can take something from this discussion here. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; and sometimes it is something that makes you ill and you decide you cant live with it.
  • NinjaretteNinjarette Posts: 3,982Registered Users
    First off, the fiance doesn't have to like the OP's hair. But attempts to make her feel unattractive/ugly, because her hair grows curly, should raise a red flag. That's my concern here - not to mention he seems a bit controlling with the "only wear your hair curly 20% o the time". Where did he get that number?

    OP, how do you feel about your curly hair? Do YOU love your hair curly, or do you actually think you're more attractive with straight hair - and the only reason you're wearing it curly is because you want to stop the damage? How important is hair to you? That's key. I love my kinky/coily hair, and if a man tried to "lessen" my value, because I wear my hair naturally, that would cause me to look at him differently - not myself.

    The solutions (on the surface) are very simple: You can give into his wishes, or you can stand your ground. It's "only hair" is true...but that goes both ways. Since it's "only hair", then he needs to have a seat and chill. You can always get a "straight" wig for "date nights", or you can find a man who would love to take you, and your curly hair, out on a date.

    Lingerie you can take on and off, and to men, it's what's underneath they're trying to get it. Yeah, it's all about "visuals" for them, but not wearing sexy lingerie doesn't make a woman "unattractive". It's just enhancement. It can add "spice" to the recipe. However, there are physical characteristics that are a part of you...they come with the package, and sometimes altering those characteristics to be more acceptable to a man makes us feel like we don't measure up, which chips away at our self esteem and causes resentment down the road. You can set yourself up for a rocky ride later on.

    Also, the whole "maybe his ex had curly hair, and you remind him of her..." idea doesn't hold water. She has two arms and legs, like the last woman (I'm assuming), so that must remind him of her too, right? People are individuals, even though we have similarities. Relationships are more than "hair', and if he's locked up in the mind because his fiance has curly hair like his ex, then it's time to ask why he's stuck and won't move on.

    Good luck, OP.
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  • MarciMarci Posts: 225Registered Users
    My fiance doesn't like my curls. When we first met I always straightened my hair and did so for the first three years of our relationship, only wearing it curly on a rare occasion, but it was doing so much damage and didn't grow for over a year. Finally, I got fed up and started going back to my curly roots... but my fiance doesn't like it.

    He's told me that I am more attractive with straight hair and that I should wear it curly only 20% of the time. When we are going to have a "date night" he asks me to straighten my hair. It makes me feel very, very unattractive when my hair is natural. He likes to drive with the windows down, which as a curly with picky hair, that's a big no-no, and he hates that too.

    Does anyone else have this problem? I would love it if he loved my hair. I've seen his ex that he was with for years before me, and she has curlier hair than I do and she NEVER straightened it. It makes me feel kind of like, "why was it ok for her, and not for me?"

    It drives me nuts.

    Sounds just like my (otherwise wonderful) boyfriend who said I look 100% more attractive with my hair straightened and anyone who said otherwise was lying. Then he backtracked, and said he only "prefers" straight hair. So I replied that I "preferred" guys with a six-pack but what am I going to do because I'm with him. I haven't heard a peep since that, and he's even gone out to buy my curly hair products for me. Stand firm and if he makes it much of an issue, be prepared to defend yourself. It gets easier, I promise, once he puts things in perspective and realizes that its YOUR hair not his. Best of luck :)
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  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,332Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Well, there are men - of all ages - and there are boys - of all ages. A man - who loves his woman - does not make her feel bad about herself. And certainly not over her hair, for heaven's sake. Maybe some people have not experienced suffering and tragedy in their lives. It kind of puts in perspective what is really important. If the OP's b/f dislikes her hair that much, he should find a barbie doll with straight hair. Her hair is part of who she is.
  • Jas76Jas76 Posts: 2,283Registered Users
    Ninjarette wrote: »

    Also, the whole "maybe his ex had curly hair, and you remind him of her..." idea doesn't hold water. She has two arms and legs, like the last woman (I'm assuming), so that must remind him of her too, right? People are individuals, even though we have similarities. Relationships are more than "hair', and if he's locked up in the mind because his fiance has curly hair like his ex, then it's time to ask why he's stuck and won't move on.

    Good luck, OP.


    Ok, I agree with the second half of that. But actually, negative association DOES hold water. I'm not saying it makes what he's doing OK, not at all. In fact I'd say it may even ADD to the issues.

    The "she has two arms and legs" point isn't valid here. Unless there is a case of abnormality or injury, we all have 2 arms and legs. We DON'T all have curly hair. There is a possiblity that an association is being made BECAUSE of that.

    I had a student once who was afraid of one of my staff members. Finally after talking to her about it she realized that it was because he reminded her of her step dad. Once she realized that, she was over it.

    Another example, my mother HATES my auburn/red hair. It's a big part of why I used to dye it blonde or brown for years. A few years ago she realized her sister (whom she had a falling out with years ago and they haven't spoken since) uesd to dye her hair a similar color. Once she realized she was making that negative association, she got a lot better about it.

    Several years ago I had a friend who wanted to set me up with her friend, but he refused to go out with me because he had a "no redhead policy" - he had had his heart broken by one. (Fine by me - clearly he had issues! HAHA!)

    That may not be what's at work here, for sure, but I threw it out as a possible cause or contributing factor, in the hopes it might help the OP in some way. Maybe if that WERE the cause, the OP's fiance would have the same reaction - realize and acknowledge that association and it changes his perspective. (I suspect it's more likely an immature, controlling nature, however, but one never knows.)

    Yes people are individuals, but that doesn't mean that everyone - consciously or not - follows that line of thinking.

    In the end, it doesn't really matter what the cause is - it's not acceptable to tell someone "change this thing about your appearance for me". I hope the OP will address this issue and I hope it resolves!
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  • Jas76Jas76 Posts: 2,283Registered Users
    Myrna wrote: »
    Well, there are men - of all ages - and there are boys - of all ages. A man - who loves his woman - does not make her feel bad about herself. And certainly not over her hair, for heaven's sake. Maybe some people have not experienced suffering and tragedy in their lives. It kind of puts in perspective what is really important. If the OP's b/f dislikes her hair that much, he should find a barbie doll with straight hair. Her hair is part of who she is.

    HERE HERE, Myrna!!!
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  • MKcurlyMKcurly Posts: 103Registered Users
    Myrna wrote: »
    I dont think its the same as getting a wax or wearing lingerie. How would you feel - using your analogy of the wax - if your guy said he didnt like your genital area au natural, and said he thought you should wax it because he didnt like it unwaxed? How would you feel if he said he did not think you were sexy unless you wore lingerie? Anyway, she did say his attitude made her feel "very, very unattractive", and that is the bottom line; she doesnt need to feel unattractive because he needs to grow up and stop being controlling. The issue here is the difference between choosing to do something that you think will please your guy, versus feeling forced or obligated to do so.

    Myrna, It IS the same thing as a wax. My SO thinks I'm attractive down there but prefers everything "cleaned up". I do it 3 or 4 times a year, waxing is an enchantment of my sexuality like wearing lingerie and makeup. Strengthening your hair every now and then to make you self more attractive to SO isn't s huge deal!! He never called her ugly or unattractive with curls, just a preference for it straightened, like when they meet.

    Have none of you ever said to your SO, shave your beard before we go to... I have. I want, NEED, my SO to be clean shaven before we go to see my parents. He does it monday-friday and generally doesn't on the weekends. I think he looks much more attractive clean shaven and he knows it. Plus I hate kissing him when his face is scratchy. I've also instructed him "it's time for a hair cut" or "let me trim your bangs". Even if he went bald or grew out a full beard I would still love him but I would prefer a full head of hair cut just so and a clean shave.

    He never said, go get a chemical treatment, never wear it curly or that Chrystal looked ugly. He hurt your feeling and you should probably let him know. But why not. When you shower it will spring back up the same way makeup washed off
  • kimmidawnkimmidawn Posts: 900Registered Users
    Ninjarette wrote: »
    First off, the fiance doesn't have to like the OP's hair. But attempts to make her feel unattractive/ugly, because her hair grows curly, should raise a red flag. That's my concern here - not to mention he seems a bit controlling with the "only wear your hair curly 20% o the time". Where did he get that number?

    ^^this is exactly what stood out to me. Everyone has preferences; however, he shouldn't put her down/make her feel bad just because she doesn't do her hair the way he likes it.
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  • Jas76Jas76 Posts: 2,283Registered Users
    MK - but you CHOOSE to get waxes. You feel it enhances your sexuality. It's not your SO saying "wax, bc you are unattractive without it". Maybe your SO has expressed a preference for that, but it has apparently not been done in such a way that you feel obligated or negative about yourself, etc.

    The OP, however, does. I think the two situations are different. You said you do it 3-4 times a year - he's telling her to do it 80% of the time, and that sounded like his COMPROMISE. And, he's making her feel "very unattractive". So that's why it's a problem. Enough of one that she felt the need to seek out advice on this forum!

    Clearly it bothers her, and therefore she should address it!
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  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,332Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    There are men who think an au natural genital area is unacceptable. I wonder: when did it become acceptable or required, for grown women to appear to be pre-*****cent? Sorry, MK, it is not the same. What if your SO demanded that you wax your genitals? what if he demanded you wax your legs, your underarms? what if he said, you know, I think you'd look so much better with bigger breasts - I want you to consider getting implants?? MK, what you choose as a woman, to do with your own body, is yours to decide. Her fiance was wanting to control how she wore her hair, and made her feel bad in the process. What if you started feeling ashamed of your private area, because it was not waxed? How do you think that would impact your sexuality, and your sexual relationship with your SO? Just sayin'. I notice we have not heard from the OP. I am feeling bad about that.
  • Jas76Jas76 Posts: 2,283Registered Users
    I feel bad, too! I hope she knows that we are just trying to have her back!!
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  • NinjaretteNinjarette Posts: 3,982Registered Users
    Jas76 wrote: »
    Ok, I agree with the second half of that. But actually, negative association DOES hold water. I'm not saying it makes what he's doing OK, not at all. In fact I'd say it may even ADD to the issues.

    The "she has two arms and legs" point isn't valid here. Unless there is a case of abnormality or injury, we all have 2 arms and legs. We DON'T all have curly hair. There is a possiblity that an association is being made BECAUSE of that.

    I had a student once who was afraid of one of my staff members. Finally after talking to her about it she realized that it was because he reminded her of her step dad. Once she realized that, she was over it.

    Another example, my mother HATES my auburn/red hair. It's a big part of why I used to dye it blonde or brown for years. A few years ago she realized her sister (whom she had a falling out with years ago and they haven't spoken since) uesd to dye her hair a similar color. Once she realized she was making that negative association, she got a lot better about it.

    Several years ago I had a friend who wanted to set me up with her friend, but he refused to go out with me because he had a "no redhead policy" - he had had his heart broken by one. (Fine by me - clearly he had issues! HAHA!)

    That may not be what's at work here, for sure, but I threw it out as a possible cause or contributing factor, in the hopes it might help the OP in some way. Maybe if that WERE the cause, the OP's fiance would have the same reaction - realize and acknowledge that association and it changes his perspective. (I suspect it's more likely an immature, controlling nature, however, but one never knows.)

    Yes people are individuals, but that doesn't mean that everyone - consciously or not - follows that line of thinking.

    In the end, it doesn't really matter what the cause is - it's not acceptable to tell someone "change this thing about your appearance for me". I hope the OP will address this issue and I hope it resolves!

    You get sarcasm...that's what that was.

    The point is there may always be something about someone that reminds them of a past relationship. The student being afraid of a co-worker doesn't apply here, because she wasn't in a relationship with the guy...and afraid of him in spite of it.

    If you're (anybody) ready to move on, then you move past that. that's the bottom line. If you'd (anybody) rather continue with the faulty association, go ahead...but don't bring another person into that mess. My last boyfriend wasn't a good one, and he wore Kangol hats. But I don't raise a barrier to every man who wears them.

    I never said people don't associate certain things with certain people, but no that doesn't hold water. You don't get a pass to demean me, because your ex had some similar physical characteristic. That's just like people who write off an entire race of people, because they had one bad experience. No, that doesn't fly with me...and they need to get over it, or go where there are only people like them.

    So, we'll just have to respectfully disagree on this one.
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  • wavymomwavymom Posts: 292Registered Users
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  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,332Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I am sorry, but I am still having a problem with this. Maybe because I am older than most of you curlies on the site, and when you age, you know that we are all mortal, and our once perfect bodies are going to bag, sag, gain or lose weight, etc. Thank G-d you dont have to lose your hair because you have to have chemotherapy; Ill bet the husband or fiance or boyfriend would LOVE your curls if you lost your hair, G-d forbid, due to this terrible disease. I guess I feel, if he doesnt like your curls - tough. He should man up and realize that you have curly hair, period. In ten years, you may be unhappy he is losing his hair, but I bet you dont make him feel bad about something he cannot help. Our society has such superficial values sometimes it is very disturbing to me.
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