CurlTalk

What is this? Low self-esteem?

SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
HER: I had a blind date tonight. The minute he met me he said, "Oh. I thought you had red hair" sounding all disappointed.

ME: Sounds like a jerk.

HER: Yeah. Pretty much the whole night he made jerky comments about me.

ME: Ew. What an asz.

HER: But that just made me MORE attracted to him because it's a challenge, you know? Like, what can I do that will make him like me?

ME: Nothing. Because if he's criticizing you on the first date, clearly he's going to continue to find fault with you no matter what you do for him.

HER: Yeah... But he's so hot!

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Comments

  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Devaluing of women? Dehumanizing of men, so rather than looking for a fellow human being, she's looking for a pretty image?

    Unhealthy, and likely to whine to you about it later?
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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    It's so disheartening to hear the above conversation coming out of the mouth of a 37 year old woman-- I just always feel like at some point you get over that.

    I got an email from her last night saying she can't wait to talk to me when she sees me because she's been a bad, bad girl but I shouldn't judge because Saturday was a full moon. Of course, whatever she did may not actually be with the above guy because she's a serial OK Cupider. But I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users
    Springcurl wrote: »
    It's so disheartening to hear the above conversation coming out of the mouth of a 37 year old woman-- I just always feel like at some point you get over that.

    I got an email from her last night saying she can't wait to talk to me when she sees me because she's been a bad, bad girl but I shouldn't judge because Saturday was a full moon. Of course, whatever she did may not actually be with the above guy because she's a serial OK Cupider. But I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself.

    I have a friend like that. She's 34. I think with my friend it helps her feel not as lonely. But ive known her since we were teenagers an d shes always been that way.

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  • theliothelio Posts: 5,374Registered Users
    37!!!!???? I swear I thought you were talking to someone in their early twenties.

    I have heard of women becoming more attractive to men who insults them, but they tend to be young and just don't know any better.

    its just disrepectful and she needs a kick to the head if she doesnt see that.
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    Yeah, I think it's a manifestation of low self-esteem. A woman like this doesn't actually want a relationship at all (even though she says she does), and clearly doesn't think she deserves to be treated well. Someone who behaves this way just wants attention and drama to fill the void of loneliness in their life. If you always have some kind of jerk to complain about and talk to your friends about, then you always have something "interesting" to say, and you always have something "interesting" to think about when you're home alone and the rest of your life is dull and unfulfilling.

    If this woman found some things to occupy her time and energy in some other kind of way that would fill the loneliness and the boredom, she could probably accept finding a real man who's nice to her.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • rouquinnerouquinne Posts: 13,495Registered Users Curl Dabbler
    a dear friend of mine has been married for 13 years to someone who puts her down all the time.

    drives me mad!

    when i go to Toronto, i spend time with her alone rather than have to hear him.

    :(
    My blog:

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  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users
    .
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I guess some people are more comfortable w/ put downs and abuse and drama bc that's what they experienced growing up and what has come to seem normal to them.

    But there's no way of knowing whether the guy meant the red hair comment or any of his other comments as put downs or not.

    Some people read a lot into innocent comments.

    So it's hard to tell what's going on.

  • wonderdiana - shopaholic takes a napwonderdiana - shopaholic takes a nap Posts: 1,728Registered Users
    I would say this is a mixture of self-hatred and a tenuous grasp on reality.
    2C/3A -- wurly!
  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    Ew, she falls for negging. :/
    por-que-no-te-callas.jpg
  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users
    Saria wrote: »
    Ew, she falls for negging. :/

    That's what I was thinking!


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  • theliothelio Posts: 5,374Registered Users
    Saria wrote: »
    Ew, she falls for negging. :/

    But at 37, a woman should know better! I know kids who wouldn't fall for that crap!!
  • legendslegends Posts: 3,073Registered Users
    That specific comment doesn't sound that jerky to me, but of course that would depend on the context and tone. (Why would he think she had red hair, anyway?)

    If he said other things that were unquestionably insulting and she still wants to date with, it could be low self-esteem, or a "men will be men" attitude. You know--a man can be a douchebag on several levels, or just plain incompatible with you, but as long as he's reasonably attractive and isn't a total loser then you should give it a go, because you'll get to have a MAN in your life!!!
    Eres o te haces?
  • claudine19claudine19 Posts: 4,486Registered Users
    I hate, hate, hate the "men will be men" excuse for obnoxious behavior.
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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    I just emailed her to ask her if it was that guy and she responded "no, it's worse." of course she didn't say who. My guess until she tells me is actually a guy who used to date but would never commit and actually say he was her boyfriend. So she broke up with him, then he started stalking her. Literally. He emails her at least monthly and she ignores him. But he's a musician so she sees him when she goes out to clubs.

    She frequently gushes, "But he's so hot! Why does he have to be so hot?"

    She also said in her last email, "I will admit that I crave drama in my relationships. I don't do drugs so I guess I do drama."

    You know, I drive with her three times a week to practice. I listen to her OK Cupid dating stuff politely,etc. but she also knows my life and I find it surprising that she would admit that she craves drama when my life is so quiet and by choice VERY drama free.

    Now I have to figure out what to say so that I don't sound all disapproving and judgy-- which I totally am.


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  • claudine19claudine19 Posts: 4,486Registered Users
    Say nothing at all. And if she remarks on your silence, say, "It's just not my cup of tea."

    People who live like this often require an audience.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    That could be due to a lot of things or a combination of many:
    *Previous emotional abuse (which then becomes what she's used to and therefore what she wants)
    *Shallowness
    *Immaturity
    *Plain stupidity (sorry)
    *General manipulative personality (You can't make someone like you)
    *Drama Queen

    Saria wrote: »
    Ew, she falls for negging. :/

    That's what I was thinking!


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    Yup, good call!
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  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Posts: 19,238Registered Users Curl Dabbler
    My insecure 48 year old bipolar sister is a serial dater, sometimes dating 2 or 3 guys at a time, mostly strangers she met online. The rest of her life is just as much of a mess. It makes me anxious but it's gotten to the point where I just don't want to hear about it anymore. She whines that I don't care about her. It's certainly not true. She's been my favorite person in the world since the day she was born. But it's not my job to take care of her so I've left her to make her own bad decisions.

    I hope your sister 'outgrows' it.
    {{hugs}} to you.
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  • slinky1slinky1 Banned Posts: 1,612Banned Users
    I've noticed that some people who stay single and childless for years beyond the "norm" never leave that 20-something mindset. In regard to a lot of things. Well, even people in mid-age who find themselves single. I honestly think that the act of dating just brings that out in some people.
    ;)
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    slinky1 wrote: »
    I've noticed that some people who stay single and childless for years beyond the "norm" never leave that 20-something mindset. In regard to a lot of things. Well, even people in mid-age who find themselves single. I honestly think that the act of dating just brings that out in some people.

    I disagree, I know parents and non single people who have this mindset. It's who you are regardless of your marital status. It's really weird when parents are this way because it usually affects their parenting skills.
  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Well, I've got to drive with her for about 90 minutes tonight-- 45 minutes to and from practice. I would seriously like advice about what if anything to say to her? I just think she's probably going to be looking at me for something but what?

    Here's her part of the email chain just so you can really see what I'm dealing with:
    are you going tuesday b/c i have -um- things to tell you. don't judge- last night was a full moon.

    I answered that I was going but didn't ask what it was about. Then in her response to me she wrote:
    i will fill you in tuesday during the ride on what a bad, weak person i was last night. i'm sure you can guess where this is going....

    I told her I had a feeling that I knew where it was going. She responded:
    WHAT happened isn't the bad part. it's WHO with. ugh.

    Again, I didn't respond and she continued in another email with:
    i try to be good but in some ways i thrive off of relationship drama. i don't do drugs i do drama. ha ha.

    So finally I wrote:
    So'd you sleep with the guy who was mean to you your whole date?

    Her response:
    the guy who was disappointed me hair wasn't redder?? noooo never went out with him again. ignored his two texts.

    it's worse.

    Of course didn't tell me who. I know wants me to ask, which I have steadfastly avoided doing. But in 2 hours I'm picking her up for practice and I'm going to have to listen to all this in person.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users
    Would STFU work?


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  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Would STFU work?


    Siri types my posts for me.

    LOL If I didn't have to drive in a car with her, absolutely.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users
    Honestly, there are some people that you just need to listen to, or 'hear' when they talk about this kind of stuff and not really reply much. They will either stop, or they just want someone to listen to them talk.

    I don't know that there is anything "wrong" with her, since I don't know her very well.

    If she bothers you so much, can you stop driving with her? It sounds like you don't like her very much.
    :rambo:
  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    M2LR wrote: »
    Honestly, there are some people that you just need to listen to, or 'hear' when they talk about this kind of stuff and not really reply much. They will either stop, or they just want someone to listen to them talk.

    I don't know that there is anything "wrong" with her, since I don't know her very well.

    If she bothers you so much, can you stop driving with her? It sounds like you don't like her very much.

    The funny thing is, I like her a LOT. I think more than anything I'm very surprised by this turn of events. She's a heavy dater and I've always listened to her dating stories because they're interesting and neat and very different from the way I live my life. But the actually dating, being attracted to, and sleeping with guys that she admits aren't good for her is new.

    Or maybe just new to me. Maybe she's just feeling more comfortable with me and that's why she's telling me.

    I've known her for about a year and a half, but in November she transferred from another skating league to my league and so I've gotten to know her a lot better.

    But listen I can certainly do. I just really don't want to come off as judgmental or mean to her because I don't want to hurt her feelings.
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    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Personally, I don't like hearing that my friends sleep around or engage in risky behaviors. But I do love listening to (PG rated) stories of dates they've been on...and I love telling stories about my dates.

    Maybe the story will be funny or there will be some point to it?

    If she's not hurting herself, then why be resistent to the conversation?

    But if she is hurting herself, then yeah, that is awkward bc that kind of stuff Ps me off and I wind up scolding and preaching.

    Aren't you happy, tho, that she cut the one guy off who you thought was an azz? That's positive...

    eta -- I typed this before I read your last post. Yes, that's tricky. But unless she's an idiot, she will figure out who is good and who's not good...eventually.

  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users
    Personally, I don't like hearing that my friends sleep around or engage in risky behaviors. But I do love listening to (PG rated) stories of dates they've been on...and I love telling stories about my dates.

    Maybe the story will be funny or there will be some point to it?

    If she's not hurting herself, then why be resistent to the conversation?

    But if she is hurting herself, then yeah, that is awkward bc that kind of stuff Ps me off and I wind up scolding and preaching.

    Aren't you happy, tho, that she cut the one guy off who you thought was an azz? That's positive...

    eta -- I typed this before I read your last post. Yes, that's tricky. But unless she's an idiot, she will figure out who is good and who's not good...eventually.

    This.

    I guess when she starts to talk about stuff that you don't neccessarily approve of, you can just listen and not judge, it is her life, you know? Or, you can say, 'Ew...I don't want to hear about THAT part of the date!' or whatever. I am sure that there is a tactful way of telling her that you don't want to hear it.

    I wonder, if the next time it came up if you just told her that it doesn't sound healthy for her to date/sleep with people that aren't good for her, she will just end up hurt in the end, etc. Something like that.

    She's probably comfy enough with you to be telling you all of this to where if you said while smiling or laughing, 'That doesn't sound like a good thing...'

    i don't know. it's been a while since I heard a dating story from someone...let alone been on a date myself!
    :rambo: