why I don't do cosleeping

picklesgirlpicklesgirl Registered Users Posts: 1,955
Ok reason number 2 anyway I was talking to a friend of mine about babies sleeping in bed with us and she said that 3yrs ago one of her really good friends was sleeping with her 9 month old baby when mom rolled over and smothered the baby. Can you even imagine she said her friend had to move to a new appartment because they couldn't bare to live in the place where thier baby died. I'm not saying that cosleeping is wrong I know you can buy those things for your bed but I just wanted to give a little warning about it.
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Comments

  • geekygeeky Registered Users Posts: 4,995
    Everyone should do what they feel most comfortable with.

    I do know that good research on co-sleeping is hard to find. There is a big difference in co-sleeping the right way (hard mattress, no chance of being wedged in next to wall, no soft pillows or comforters, adults are sober non-smokers and don't have sleep apnea) and the wrong way and a lot of studies don't make those distinctions when looking at fatalities.

    If you choose to cosleep with your baby then you should pay just as much attention to safety as you do when choosing a crib.

    Research does show that the incidence of SIDS is greatly reduced when the child sleeps in the same room as the parents.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • picklesgirlpicklesgirl Registered Users Posts: 1,955
    for us I know cosleeping is not a good idea for us my husband and I can both be sound sleepers I'd like to hope not sounc enough that we could smother our child in bed with us but sound enough. I understand that for some people that's what works for them. For me though it's just not something that will work. Not to mention the fact that we have a pillowtop mattress and lots of pillows and blankets on our bed. I just posted that story becuase a lot of people worry aboutsleeping with a tiny baby but this baby was 9 months old.
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  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Registered Users Posts: 5,297 Curl Neophyte
    geeky wrote:
    Everyone should do what they feel most comfortable with.

    I do know that good research on co-sleeping is hard to find. There is a big difference in co-sleeping the right way (hard mattress, no chance of being wedged in next to wall, no soft pillows or comforters, adults are sober non-smokers and don't have sleep apnea) and the wrong way and a lot of studies don't make those distinctions when looking at fatalities.

    If you choose to cosleep with your baby then you should pay just as much attention to safety as you do when choosing a crib.

    Research does show that the incidence of SIDS is greatly reduced when the child sleeps in the same room as the parents.


    When I coslept w/ my daughter, I would sleep w/ no pillow, and blankets only up to my waist, so they didn't cover the baby at all. I slept almost propped up on one arm, completely on my side, with the baby in my crook. If I so much as took tylenol, I wouldn't co sleep.

    Although there was one time when I woke up in the middle of the night and put her in her bassinette - and later on my husband rolled over and pushed the cat off the bed, and when he felt it and heard the thud, he JUMPED out of bed and practically had a heartattack until I told him that I had put her in her bed.
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  • iris427iris427 Registered Users Posts: 6,002
    I plan to cosleep when I have a baby. I'm a VERY light sleeper--if my SO so much as sniffles in his sleep, I wake up. So it doesn't worry me that I will roll over and suffocate my baby.

    I think there are a lot of benefits to cosleeping, if done safely (like the things Babywavy mentioned).

    But, if it is not for you, then it's not for you. It's one of those things that people seem to get worked up over but I think everyone should just do what works best for them and their family.
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  • medussamedussa Registered Users Posts: 12,993
    Cosleeping is the best thing I've done for my children, besides breastfeed them. I also coslept the "right" way, like Babywavy and Geeky. Never had a problem. I slept well and so did my baby. Man, I really miss those days.

    If it's a potential problem for you (GY), then you're not a good candidate for cosleeping. Simple as that.
  • picklesgirlpicklesgirl Registered Users Posts: 1,955
    I completely agree that you have to decide if it's best for you and your baby/babies. I would never tell someone not to if they feel it's what's best I just wanted people to know that it's not just the tiny babies that can be smothered in the middle of the night that it can also happen to a baby that was pretty close to a year. For me cosleeping just doesn't work a lot of it is because I've seen too many cases were parents have trouble getting kids out of their bed when it's time. If you can do and it work for you then that's fine if your like me and don't want to do it or it just doesn't work then that's fine to
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  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Registered Users Posts: 791
    for us I know cosleeping is not a good idea for us my husband and I can both be sound sleepers I'd like to hope not sounc enough that we could smother our child in bed with us but sound enough.

    You can fully expect that to change - for you that is.

    Prior to having Evan, I was such a deep sleeper. I once slept through a herd of elk running through our campsite - we were in a tent. My friends could regale you with humurous tales of how I could never be woken up.

    Since having Evan - that has all changed. I hear everything!

    I was really concerned at first that I would sleep through his crying and sounds - but that has not been the case at all.
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  • RheannaRheanna Registered Users Posts: 2,614
    I don't plan on co-sleeping. I've seen too many problems out of it with the people I know who do so, but that's just me. No doubt they aren't doing it "right." They have regular mattresses, lots of blankets and pillows, etc. I also see their now 5 year olds, 3 year olds and 2 year olds who are terrified to sleep in their own beds, and parents who are desperately wanting some time alone - for sex, or just to be by themselves. I see them wishing they had never started co-sleeping.

    I co-slept with my parents and I was terrified to sleep on my own until I was 9 years old. I was ridiculously dependent on them and could not stay with other people. I was scared of the dark, I was totally homesick when I left, etc. I don't want my kids in that position, and I think I'd rather have my own bed and them have their own beds as well. I plan on having my kids in the room with me as babies though, of course, especially when they are very small.

    My personal experience with people who co-slept was not that they did it for the benefit of the baby, but instead for their own benefit. Everyone I have PERSONALLY known who co-slept did so only so they wouldn't have to deal with the baby crying and didn't do it in the right way. Now they ALL wish they had never started it because years down the road, the kids still won't sleep in their beds. I can only imagine what it is like getting no sleep due to a screaming newborn, but they did what was easy for them at the time and it's caused years of more difficulty, KWIM? When they could have maybe dealt with one really bad sleepless night, instead they have had to deal with many, many sleepless nights and countless power struggles and fights. That's totally different than what you guys are talking about, but I guess seeing the people in my life do this has turned me off to it.

    Again though, just my opinion, and I know I don't have kids - although I don't see me changing my mind on this one :). I'm certainly not passing any judgement on others who choose differently, but I do agree - please do it safely and take proper precautions as you guys are mentioning.
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  • picklesgirlpicklesgirl Registered Users Posts: 1,955
    for us I know cosleeping is not a good idea for us my husband and I can both be sound sleepers I'd like to hope not sounc enough that we could smother our child in bed with us but sound enough.

    You can fully expect that to change - for you that is.

    Prior to having Evan, I was such a deep sleeper. I once slept through a herd of elk running through our campsite - we were in a tent. My friends could regale you with humurous tales of how I could never be woken up.

    Since having Evan - that has all changed. I hear everything!

    I was really concerned at first that I would sleep through his crying and sounds - but that has not been the case at all.

    I totally see what your saying and yes when I had max I started sleeping lighter however my husband who would be in the bed with us hasn't really changed he sleeps so sound that he will actually get up and see why max is crying at night with a bad dream or whatever and won't remember it in the morning.

    Max slept in our room until he was around 3 months old and then he got moved to his own room with the new baby I'll probably do the same I may keep him in our room a bit longer but just because he'll be sharing a room with max and max doens't need to be woken up 2 hrs or so in the middle of the night. But we'll just wait and see what happens.
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  • marielle448marielle448 Registered Users Posts: 1,823
    agree wholeheartedly with Medussa. My close to 300lb hubby, the toddler, the now new toddler former baby and I all cosleep comfortably and safely since 2003 with just the older and beginnng of last year with the baby included. In many societies cosleeping is the norm to this day (and we're not talking hut villages in the amazon, also developed countries). People in those countries find it alarming that we put babies to sleep in other rooms away from the safety of mom and for that matter don't carry/wear our babies more often. For them it's not just the latest fad, it's the way things are done for the safety of the baby and also easier on mom and dad.

    We've had all sorts of arrangements including bedrails, now the crib sidecarred as an extended bedrail, etc. Like Geeky said, whatever works for your family.

    However, PG I will say that just like you brought up that one story about a mom smothering her baby and feeling guilty for cosleeping do we make parents who DON'T cosleep and their kids die in their sleep (SIDS) guilty for NOT sleeping in their room. Nope, we console them and help them move on. So unless the mom was doped up or slung the baby under the covers I think we can leave it to her and her family to grieve that lose in their own way and learn to live with the loss of their child.
  • geekygeeky Registered Users Posts: 4,995
    I only coslept a little. I loved the idea in theory but I found I was TOO light a sleeper and I did not move a muscle or ever get comfortable when the baby was in bed with me. So he slept a foot away from the bed in the co-sleeper. That was what worked best for me.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • SigiSigi Registered Users Posts: 2,379
    Our 4 year old and 2 year old still sleep with us, mostly just me since my husband keeps odd hours. When my babies were first born, they slept in the bassinette until about 5 months and then moved into the bed. I'm a very light sleeper so I was never worried about anything going wrong. I pretty much sleep in the same spot and don't roll around much either.
  • wild_sasparillawild_sasparilla Registered Users Posts: 4,306
    I'm not a mother and it'll be years before I am one, but it seems that there are mostly two options being talked about: cosleeping in the same bed and in another room. Geeky's solution seems like a good happy medium to me! I know I'd be scared stiff about anything happening to the baby in my bed, so I would do the same.
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  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Registered Users Posts: 791
    pickles- I'm sorry for being such a dummy. I didn't realize until I read more of your posts that this is not your first child. Here I am - a first time mommy - trying to tell you how it is.

    But I hear what you mean about your husband's sleep habits not changing. My boyfriend's sleep habits haven't changed at all. Evan usually only comes into bed with us during his early morning feed (about 6 am). My boyfriend doesn't even her him cry and his crib as beside our bed.
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  • mad scientistmad scientist Registered Users Posts: 3,530 Curl Neophyte
    We co-sleep ...... maybe once a week. DS is an annoying bedhog, but a good night's sleep is important for all of us, and if a slumber party is what's going to make it happen, then that's what we do.

    I co-slept with DS in the hospital right after he was born and when we were readmitted a couple of weeks later. Its just so much easier to BF a newborn in bed. But at home, we only had a double bed and it was too crowded, so DS slept in his crib in our room instead. Now that he's is a bit older and can fight back when DH accidentally bonks him in the head, its all good. We use pillows and comforters too.


  • marielle448marielle448 Registered Users Posts: 1,823
    ooops, forgot to describe a bit of our positioning too. Cosleeping worked for me because until the baby is able to defend himself like madscientist mentioned he sleeps in the crook of my arm (his whole body laying just inside of the wholelength of my arm). I was always aware of his whole body as was I aware of my toddler's position at the moment as well. Same thing when my first was a baby. Then by about the time they hit 9-10 months we still sleep snuggled (almost spooning but facing each other due to nursing) so I'm still aware of the baby's body and keeping him from getting hurt.

    It's only by about 18 months or so that Ian was sleeping between us without me keeping a hand on him all night long. I'll also be honest and I've mentioned it before. I had a kid that would not be put down. For the first two weeks we were home he would be soundly asleep, we'd put him in the PnP right next ot our bed and then slip into bed ourselves. Literally 5 minutes later he would be up. One night, exhausted I fell alseep with him on my chest slightly sitting up in bed, then we woke up at 5am - had a full nights sleep! My husband actually sat up in bed freaked out because we had all slept and he wondered where I had put the baby. I told him if this is what it took to get a good nights sleep then so be it.

    We've been able to get semi-decent sleep through horrible bouts of teething, croup, pneumonia, all night vomitting (even one time right when we'd arrived home from the hospital after having #2 ugh). Like MS I also coslept with #2 intentionally in the hospital. I'd sent hubby and the toddler home to get some rest and since I don't use the hospital nurseries there is no way in heck I was going to let the baby sleep in the bassinette with me not having a hand on him in a place like a hospital. I did have to sign a waiver for the night nurse to keep from having a cow about it LOL.
  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Registered Users Posts: 5,297 Curl Neophyte
    I only co slept occasionally, through the breastfeeding times with my little one. Usually I would put he in bed with me for the early am feedings, or mid morning feeding when I would go back to bed. Once she was at the age of moving to her own crib - in my case it was close to 3 months - we got her completely used to her crib, and that's the only place she slept.

    Since then I've only gotten her recently to take a nap with me in my bed, and that only happened once. I couldn't imagine trying to let her sleep in our bed now. We would all be so cramped!

    No, no toddlers in my bed unless it's for a bit in the morning while we're waking up.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

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  • shellibeanshellibean Registered Users Posts: 4,500
    We haven't decided what we are gonna do yet. I guess we will try all our options and see what works best. My mom said I slept in my own bed until I was like 3 or 4 and then I started gettign up and getting in bed with them b/c of nightmares, being scared,etc. I still have trouble sleeping alone and still have terrible nightmares. I also can't sleep in the pitch black if I am alone. I will def. be sensitive to these things when our baby is born. The dark is scary.
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

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  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Registered Users Posts: 5,297 Curl Neophyte
    shelli wrote:
    We haven't decided what we are gonna do yet. I guess we will try all our options and see what works best. My mom said I slept in my own bed until I was like 3 or 4 and then I started gettign up and getting in bed with them b/c of nightmares, being scared,etc. I still have trouble sleeping alone and still have terrible nightmares. I also can't sleep in the pitch black if I am alone. I will def. be sensitive to these things when our baby is born. The dark is scary.


    B has always had a nightlight, and lullabye music playing in her bedroom for bedtime. First I got one of those Fisher Price Aquarium things to put in her crib. They have those, and one with little birds. They're really cool b/c they move around and play music, and there's a little nightlight on them, and they automatically turn off, so they fall asleep to them.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • picklesgirlpicklesgirl Registered Users Posts: 1,955
    agree wholeheartedly with Medussa. My close to 300lb hubby, the toddler, the now new toddler former baby and I all cosleep comfortably and safely since 2003 with just the older and beginnng of last year with the baby included. In many societies cosleeping is the norm to this day (and we're not talking hut villages in the amazon, also developed countries). People in those countries find it alarming that we put babies to sleep in other rooms away from the safety of mom and for that matter don't carry/wear our babies more often. For them it's not just the latest fad, it's the way things are done for the safety of the baby and also easier on mom and dad.

    We've had all sorts of arrangements including bedrails, now the crib sidecarred as an extended bedrail, etc. Like Geeky said, whatever works for your family.

    However, PG I will say that just like you brought up that one story about a mom smothering her baby and feeling guilty for cosleeping do we make parents who DON'T cosleep and their kids die in their sleep (SIDS) guilty for NOT sleeping in their room. Nope, we console them and help them move on. So unless the mom was doped up or slung the baby under the covers I think we can leave it to her and her family to grieve that lose in their own way and learn to live with the loss of their child.[/quote]

    I don't think anyone made her feel guilty for cosleeping and I don't think I ever said that anybody did. I don't think she should feel guilty for cosleeping if that's what was working for them then that's what was working for them this was a complete accident just like a baby dieing in another room is a complete accident.It happened and it's nobody's fault. I didn't start this thread to say cosleeping is bad. I coslept with my parents until I was 5 and they finally had to kick me out of their bed. If you want to cosleep and that's what works for your family then great. I just know I won't be doing it.

    Ok here's a question for the parents out there that do cosleep with toddlers and more then one kid how do you and SO get any time together alone. I've just always wondered how families make that work.
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  • marielle448marielle448 Registered Users Posts: 1,823
    well I may have misinterpreted your original post but the title of the thread is THIS is why I won't cosleep. Thank you for clarifying that belittling the mom for cosleeping and then a horrible accident happening was not your intent.

    As far as the time with SO I'm always a bit amused by that. Not to make light of your question but I used to get that question even when my belly was in all its 9 months glory pregnant with #2. Obviously we make time and surprisingly enough even though we had plenty of sex while just tending to one child, we have even more now that we have 2. We take advantage of ALL the rooms in our home and the kids are usually asleep by 7pm (the toddler in our room and the smaller toddler/baby in a sling-type chair in the living room until we all go to bed together around 11pm or so).
  • picklesgirlpicklesgirl Registered Users Posts: 1,955
    well I may have misinterpreted your original post but the title of the thread is THIS is why I won't cosleep. Thank you for clarifying that belittling the mom for cosleeping and then a horrible accident happening was not your intent.

    As far as the time with SO I'm always a bit amused by that. Not to make light of your question but I used to get that question even when my belly was in all its 9 months glory pregnant with #2. Obviously we make time and surprisingly enough even though we had plenty of sex while just tending to one child, we have even more now that we have 2. We take advantage of ALL the rooms in our home and the kids are usually asleep by 7pm (the toddler in our room and the smaller toddler/baby in a sling-type chair in the living room until we all go to bed together around 11pm or so).

    I knew it lol. I was just thinking about some friends of ours who coslept with all 3 kids pretty much at the same time. I remember thinking at the time I don't want to sit on their couch. Now I know I was right :lol:
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  • marielle448marielle448 Registered Users Posts: 1,823
    yeah, and unfortunately when you have guests over or friends that's the ONE time I'm afraid of them asking the question because then of course how do you explain to them the same bed they're sleeping on or the couch they're sitting on, or *ahem* other objects around the house have been repurposed for the marital fun? :lol:
  • picklesgirlpicklesgirl Registered Users Posts: 1,955
    yeah, and unfortunately when you have guests over or friends that's the ONE time I'm afraid of them asking the question because then of course how do you explain to them the same bed they're sleeping on or the couch they're sitting on, or *ahem* other objects around the house have been repurposed for the marital fun? :lol:

    Just respond with a you don't want to know and leave at that lol
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  • SpiderSpider Registered Users Posts: 3,381 Curl Neophyte
    babywavy wrote:
    Although there was one time when I woke up in the middle of the night and put her in her bassinette - and later on my husband rolled over and pushed the cat off the bed, and when he felt it and heard the thud, he JUMPED out of bed and practically had a heartattack until I told him that I had put her in her bed.

    Sorry, but I laughed at this. Not sure if I felt sorrier for your cat or your husband. :wink:
    Don't let your heart be broken. Let it love.
  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Registered Users Posts: 791
    yeah, and unfortunately when you have guests over or friends that's the ONE time I'm afraid of them asking the question because then of course how do you explain to them the same bed they're sleeping on or the couch they're sitting on, or *ahem* other objects around the house have been repurposed for the marital fun? :lol:

    Just respond with a you don't want to know and leave at that lol

    Just flip over the cushions! :lol:
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  • Jenny CJenny C Registered Users Posts: 1,195
    I brought Lucy into bed with me a handful of times, but it would never have worked for us long term. I never felt like I could really get comfortable and go into a deep sleep.

    The only time I did it was when I was just trying to eek an hour or two more and she would not sleep in her bassinette. I couldn't imagine getting relaxed enough for a whole nights sleep.

    She slept in my room until she was exactly 3 months old, then we moved her to her crib. She had no trouble with the transition, but I was really sad.
    If you got nothing to bring to the table - don't even bother sitting down.
  • StephSStephS Registered Users Posts: 352
    Rheanna83 wrote:
    I don't plan on co-sleeping. I've seen too many problems out of it with the people I know who do so, but that's just me. No doubt they aren't doing it "right." They have regular mattresses, lots of blankets and pillows, etc. I also see their now 5 year olds, 3 year olds and 2 year olds who are terrified to sleep in their own beds, and parents who are desperately wanting some time alone - for sex, or just to be by themselves. I see them wishing they had never started co-sleeping.

    I co-slept with my parents and I was terrified to sleep on my own until I was 9 years old. I was ridiculously dependent on them and could not stay with other people. I was scared of the dark, I was totally homesick when I left, etc. I don't want my kids in that position, and I think I'd rather have my own bed and them have their own beds as well. I plan on having my kids in the room with me as babies though, of course, especially when they are very small.

    My personal experience with people who co-slept was not that they did it for the benefit of the baby, but instead for their own benefit. Everyone I have PERSONALLY known who co-slept did so only so they wouldn't have to deal with the baby crying and didn't do it in the right way. Now they ALL wish they had never started it because years down the road, the kids still won't sleep in their beds. I can only imagine what it is like getting no sleep due to a screaming newborn, but they did what was easy for them at the time and it's caused years of more difficulty, KWIM? When they could have maybe dealt with one really bad sleepless night, instead they have had to deal with many, many sleepless nights and countless power struggles and fights. That's totally different than what you guys are talking about, but I guess seeing the people in my life do this has turned me off to it.

    Again though, just my opinion, and I know I don't have kids - although I don't see me changing my mind on this one :). I'm certainly not passing any judgement on others who choose differently, but I do agree - please do it safely and take proper precautions as you guys are mentioning.

    It's not that way for all, of course. And before I had a child, I had the very same opinion as you. While I was pregnant, I discovered all the co-sleeping info and it was one of those life moments when it just all comes together and made perfect sense to me. And this was pretty late in the pregnancy, when you think you have everything pretty well planned out, lol!

    Most of the time, co-sleeping helps promote baby's feelings of security and trust toward the parents, which in turn helps the growing child develop independence, since they feel secure enough to assert it. (That's the theory of how it's supposed to work, anyway.) Mine is 5 now, and that is normally about the age they will self-transition into their own beds. Sometimes she sleeps in her bed for weeks at a time, then she will ask to sleep with us several nights in a row. I guess I just don't worry about it - I let her decide every time which bed she wants to sleep in. I figure in the big picture, the first several years of co-sleeping isn't a whole lot of time, really. Soon enough she will be scowling at my very existence. Might as well get in all the snuggles and the just-about-to-drop-off "I love you" whispers I want before that stage arrives.
  • Jenny CJenny C Registered Users Posts: 1,195
    I have a question for those who co-sleep. How do naps work? Is your child able to fall asleep on his/her own?

    My baby goes to bed at 8:00, but I don't. If we were co-sleeping how does that work? She can roll now, so I would never just put her in bed alone.

    It all seems so impractical, but maybe there is something I'm missing.
    If you got nothing to bring to the table - don't even bother sitting down.
  • marielle448marielle448 Registered Users Posts: 1,823
    how the child falls asleep is totally dependent on the child's temperament much more than where he ends up sleeping the night. For the younger one that means a bit of nursing and he's out. He goes to sleep for the evening on one of those fisher price toddler rockers that we have a down coverlet on to pad with a thin pillow. When I finally go to bed around 11pm I pick him up and take him to bed with me.

    My oldest used to nurse to sleep as well. Now he will nurse a bit, say goodnight and then head off to bed with daddy. My husband varies what he does but he usually reads a book or just rests on the bed (our bed) and then Ian falls asleep. When he's fallen asleep my husband gets out of bed and closes our door halfway while leaving the monitor on. He may wake up a time or two before my husband goes to bed usually for water or if he's had a night terror. One of us goes in, gets in bed with him for a minute to help him calm down from the night terror and then he's back to sleep.

    The whole process for Ian is usually no more than an hour, and yes that may seem long to some people but for us it works and I have friends with kids Ian's age that don't cosleep. They still spend 2 hours an evening just trying to keep the kid in their bed not to mention go to sleep. Plus they do still get up in the middle of the night so the parent responds to those needs as well in the child's bed.

    I know that around 7months - 1 year was the hardest because Ian and Ryan both needed me intensely and to nurse at that witching time around 7pm-10pm. With Ian I would just go to bed a bit early as a good friend had warned me it would happen around that time but wouldn't last long. She was right. With Ryan since Ian is already asleep in our bed that meant I'd let him nurse and doze off and on on me or in the sling. He's already outgrown it as well.

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