CurlTalk

Change name for marriage...why?

RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
So as not to guano another thread, I thought I'd start this one on birth names versus married names. I call my name my "birth name". I don't call it my "maiden name", because I find the term offensive...the state of my hymen is no one's business.

My question: In modern society, is there any real reason anymore to take a man's name simply because of marriage?
«134

Comments

  • internetchickinternetchick Posts: 6,191Registered Users
    You are the first and only person I have ever heard relate the term maiden name to anything to do with a hymen :lol:

    No real reason why you need to take your husband's name. Nowadays I think it is all preference. No one has to really even get married anymore, let alone change their name.

    I like that me, my husband, and my children all have the same last name. I prefer it that way.
  • sarasarasarasara Posts: 1,561Registered Users
    Couldn't help but reply to this, especially since the divorce/marriage riot in a past thread.

    In Islam a woman is NOT supposed to change her 'maiden name' when she marries a man. You never see a Muslim woman reffered to by her husband's family name, people always use hers.
  • SigiSigi Posts: 2,379Registered Users
    I haven't changed my name yet and we've been married for almost 5 years. I'll do it one day, just not sure when yet. :P
  • shellibeanshellibean Posts: 4,500Registered Users
    Even though I like the sound of my maiden name better than my married name, I chose to change my name b/c I wanted that to be something that my husband and I share. Also, I knew how much it meant to him and how happy it made him that I take his last name.
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

    "...you could have a turd on your head and no one would notice."~Subbrock

    "I had an imaginary puppy, but my grandpa ate him."~Bailey
  • SpinCycleSpinCycle Posts: 724Registered Users
    I prefer my last name to his, but since we're planning on having children, I think it's best to have the same last name to reduce confusion.
    A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government. ~Thomas Jefferson
  • SpinCycleSpinCycle Posts: 724Registered Users
    I prefer my last name to his, but since we're planning on having children, I think it's best to have the same last name to reduce confusion.
    A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government. ~Thomas Jefferson
  • kimmyckimmyc Posts: 551Registered Users
    It was very important to my hubby and mine changed from a 10 letter polish name to a 4 letter last name. I have to say I don't mind signing stuff as much now. We choose not to have kids but if we did want them that would be a good reason too, to all have the same name.
    2b/3a, primarily use Jessicurl and DevaCurl products, Curls Hair Tea conditioner and various gels. I'm modified CG-ish since 5/04.
  • munchkinmunchkin Posts: 2,909Registered Users
    I guess I don't understand keeping your "maiden name."

    Why should you change your name. . . because this is now your family. The two of you are the heads of it (whether there are children or not). Only makes sense to me to change your name. Call me old fashioned but this is what I believe.
    3b/c
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    munchkin wrote:
    I guess I don't understand keeping your "maiden name."

    Why should you change your name. . . because this is now your family. The two of you are the heads of it (whether there are children or not). Only makes sense to me to change your name. Call me old fashioned but this is what I believe.

    If this is your family and you two are the heads of it, why can't the man change his name?


    I hyphenated my name. I could not see giving it up completely as it was mine for 30 years. This way I can use either or both, depending on my mood. It was mostly for the sake of having children. I wanted to have our last names at least partially the same.

    It does make it easier when everyone in the family has the same last name, but that is only because of the prejudices of society and I believe it is society's burden to change and be more accepting.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • EllaElla Posts: 392Registered Users
    I think it's a matter of personal choice, I changed my name because I knew it meant something very important to my husband (he has a very dysfunctional family so my changing my last name was very symbolic to him of starting a new branch of the family, sort of starting fresh) I don't have in problem with hyphenated names, but in my case I have a 3 syllable first name and a 4 syllable married last name, I just didn't want any more syllables :)
    Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. – P.J. O'Rourke

    There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. – Mark Twain
  • three rivers curlythree rivers curly Posts: 994Registered Users
    I thought long and hard about it. I amost hyphenated but chose not to..

    I guess for me, I had very few good memories associated with my maiden name in relation to my family. I wanted to start fresh with new memories. The new name helped. All of my best family memories have happened since I got married.
    Better everyone think your a fool, than to open your mouth and prove them right.

    Perception is not reality.

    /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fpublic.fotki.com%2Fhmiklos" class="Popup
  • mayimmayim Posts: 2,301Registered Users
    i never changed my name. now that we are divorced i am grateful that i didn't, it would be a hassle to change it back. i don't like what it symbolizes. if i get married again i won't change it. our children will have my paternal and his paternal last names, as is custom in hispanic cultures, so no problem there.

    m
    coarse, thick 3a
    modified cg



    weight.png



  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,937Registered Users
    I think it simplifies things when everyone in the family has the same last name. Esp once you have children (trust me on this one, I haven't officially added his name on to mine yet and now we have a daughter and you'd think we were the only people in the world ever to be in this situation). However you arrive at it, things are just much easier if you all share a name.
  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users
    I believe that when you get married you leave your prospective families to create a family of your own. I also like having the same last name as my husband and my kids. It makes me feel like we have our own little club :lol:

    You CAN take the wifes name - I've known someone who did this who had a destructive and abusive family life, and didn't keep in contact with his family, so he had no reason to carry on the name - OR you can make up a name of your own. I read on some wedding website that a couple had combined their last names to make up a new last name.

    In my case, and probably most cases, it's traditional to take your husbands name. Most men find pride in carrying on their family name, so why do we have to look for reasons to take that away from them.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • solangesolange Posts: 2,539Registered Users
    Professionally I use my maiden name. Everywhere else, I hyphenate.
    This works well for us.
    3C, BSL Unstretched -
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    I didn't change mine, my husband didn't change his, and the kids will have my last name and his last name without a hyphen - as mayim said, that's the Hispanic way. My husband and his family don't follow that tradition so they were a little upset at first that I didn't change my name and that the kids will have "two last names", but they're getting over it.

    Babywavy, I never got the argument about men having pride in continuing the family name. I have just as much pride in my family and my name as any man and I want to continue my name to my kids so they can be identified as part of this family. In my family we have lots of comments and sayings about our last name. Let's say it's Smith - so we say stuff like "you'll always be a Smith", "once a Smith always a Smith", "there's a whole tribe in Africa called Smith - they have the big bottoms and speak their minds", "If you're not a Smith, you wouldn't understand", etc. etc. etc. In fact, my mama, two aunts and three cousins all married people with the same last name but not related! So it's a name of both sides of the family to me.

    Yep, "maiden" means "virgin."
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


    .png


    534Pm5.png





  • DiscgirlDiscgirl Posts: 746Registered Users
    WOW. I'm surprised at the number of people on this thread who have taken their husband's name. I can only think of two of my girlfriends who did this. One of my friends and her husband gave their daughter the wife's last name. His father was an SOB.

    I know couples where the husband took the wife's name or where the two people took part of each other's names and merged it into a new last name.

    I thought most of my female friends were going to have a stroke at my college roommate's wedding when we discovered she was taking her husband's name. They all asked me why and did I know? I told them "no." We all just assumed she wouldn't. No one else we knew had.

    My other friend who took her husband's name had a horrible father. She said she took her husband's name b/c either way she was saddled with a man's name and she would rather it be the name of someone she picked and loved. Her father was truly an awful human being. She said she would have kept her name if her father wasn't such a suck hat.

    Honestly, I think it's sort of weird to take the man's name. It seems sort of a throw back to me of the days when the law regarded wives as chattel. (Don't freak. I know no one here is chattel.) If anything, taking the woman's would make more sense for inheritance stuff, "bloodlines", etc. You can't always prove paternity, but maternity is a certainty
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    babywavy wrote:
    You CAN take the wifes name - I've known someone who did this who had a destructive and abusive family life, and didn't keep in contact with his family, so he had no reason to carry on the name - OR you can make up a name of your own. I read on some wedding website that a couple had combined their last names to make up a new last name.

    In my case, and probably most cases, it's traditional to take your husbands name. Most men find pride in carrying on their family name, so why do we have to look for reasons to take that away from them.

    It depends on where you live, too.

    In New York, when you apply for a marriage license, there are places on the form for both spouses to specify a new last name. So the woman can take the man's name, the man can take the woman's name, they can both change their names to anything, they can both keep their original las tnames. Whatever. I understand in some states the options are more limited and you have to jump through a lot more hoops unless you are doing the traditional patriarchal thang.

    As for the bolded, I am sure some women take pride in carrying on their family name too. I don't think it's looking for reasons to take something away from your man if you are not comfortable with changing your identity when you get married. It's not about taking away fromthe man, it's about being true to yourself.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    Officially, I'm not changing my name. It just seems like an unnecssary hassle to me. But if someone calls me Mrs. Webjockey's Husband, or put on a card Mrs. and Dr. "Webjockey's Husband" I'm not going to make a big stink about it either. Kid will have his last name.

    Acutally, I really prefer my mom's maiden name, but I think it would hurt my father too bad if I did that.
  • ScarletScarlet Posts: 3,125Registered Users
    geeky wrote:
    babywavy wrote:
    You CAN take the wifes name - I've known someone who did this who had a destructive and abusive family life, and didn't keep in contact with his family, so he had no reason to carry on the name - OR you can make up a name of your own. I read on some wedding website that a couple had combined their last names to make up a new last name.

    In my case, and probably most cases, it's traditional to take your husbands name. Most men find pride in carrying on their family name, so why do we have to look for reasons to take that away from them.


    As for the bolded, I am sure some women take pride in carrying on their family name too. I don't think it's looking for reasons to take something away from your man if you are not comfortable with changing your identity when you get married. It's not about taking away fromthe man, it's about being true to yourself.

    I can agree with this. I don't know if I'd have felt the same ten or so years ago, but now that I'm in my late 30s and not married, I think that if I do marry, I would likely keep my name. It's who I've been for my entire life, and I'm proud of it.
    The first lesson of economics is scarcity: There is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics - Thomas Sowell
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    For me, I don't see marriage as leaving your family to start a new family. I see it as adding to the families you already have. I don't see anything wrong with taking your husband's name, or keeping your name or taking another option (like hyphenating)--whatever you (general you) feel is best for you and your family.

    I don't think I will change my name when I get married. I don't feel like I need to do that for us to be a family. It's a little too patriarchal for me.

    My SO will probably change his name at some point, from his father's last name to his mother's, since his father left them and hasn't been much of a father to him. We would rather have our future children carry on a name that means something to us.
    3027585431_55b6195e50_s.jpg3028374752_0df4d81a1b_s.jpg3028422696_8dcef38baa_s.jpg
    TickerTicker.aspx?&TT=bdy&TT1=bdy&CL=29&CT=&CG=F&O=m_nestbirds&T=t_b14&D=20080913&M1=&D1=2009&T2=&T1=Baby+Iris&CC=0&CO=&step=5&radio=A
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Discgirl wrote:
    WOW. I'm surprised at the number of people on this thread who have taken their husband's name. I can only think of two of my girlfriends who did this. One of my friends and her husband gave their daughter the wife's last name. His father was an SOB.

    I know couples where the husband took the wife's name or where the two people took part of each other's names and merged it into a new last name.

    I thought most of my female friends were going to have a stroke at my college roommate's wedding when we discovered she was taking her husband's name. They all asked me why and did I know? I told them "no." We all just assumed she wouldn't. No one else we knew had.

    My other friend who took her husband's name had a horrible father. She said she took her husband's name b/c either way she was saddled with a man's name and she would rather it be the name of someone she picked and loved. Her father was truly an awful human being. She said she would have kept her name if her father wasn't such a suck hat.

    Honestly, I think it's sort of weird to take the man's name. It seems sort of a throw back to me of the days when the law regarded wives as chattel. (Don't freak. I know no one here is chattel.) If anything, taking the woman's would make more sense for inheritance stuff, "bloodlines", etc. You can't always prove paternity, but maternity is a certainty

    I think that's WHY it was so important to take the man's last name - to determine legitimacy, inheritance rights, "ownership" of the wife and kids etc. etc. and to let the child know who their father is/was, since they know who their mother is. In the Caribbean where there is a high rate of babies born out of wedlock, it is customary for the mother to give the child the father's last name to "prove" who the father was. So if a woman has four different children with four different men, each has a different last name and it is obvious to everyone that they were born out of wedlock. So some women who are married and have all their children with the same man make sure to take the man's last name to show that all their children have the same last name and were born in wedlock. It's kind of a class/status thing. There was actually a campaign getting unmarried women to give their children their own last name so that all their kids had the same name and they would be a family with one name.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


    .png


    534Pm5.png





  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    iris427 wrote:
    For me, I don't see marriage as leaving your family to start a new family. I see it as adding to the families you already have. I don't see anything wrong with taking your husband's name, or keeping your name or taking another option (like hyphenating)--whatever you (general you) feel is best for you and your family.

    I don't think I will change my name when I get married. I don't feel like I need to do that for us to be a family. It's a little too patriarchal for me.

    My SO will probably change his name at some point, from his father's last name to his mother's, since his father left them and hasn't been much of a father to him. We would rather have our future children carry on a name that means something to us.
    [/quote]

    I agree. I see marriage as bringing someone new into your family circle and joining someone else's family circle, not leaving anything. I will NEVER leave my family and when my children are born, they will be part of it too as well as part of my husband's family.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


    .png


    534Pm5.png





  • SweetPicklesSweetPickles Posts: 850Registered Users
    I changed my last name for one purely selfish reason: aesthetics. My husband's short, simple, easy last name is about a BAZILLION times better sounding than mine was, especially when combined with my names--something writers like me have to consider. It's not weird, seemingly-unpronouncable, and easily mocked. Nope. It's boring and bland and I *heart* it.

    If I had to do it over, though, I *might* have changed mine back from the ugly Americanized spelling to the original Hungarian, and hyphenated. But probably not.
    Hair type: Completely confused: mostly 3a, some 3b parts, and even 2 in places; very fine and thin.
    Products: Elucence clarifying & MBC; CK, F/X Curl Booster Fixative Gel (when I can find it)
  • CGECGE Posts: 1,911Registered Users
    I changed mine because I wanted to.
    I used to have a signature but it disappeared and I just couldn't be bothered writing another so please feel free to ingore this.
  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users
    geeky wrote:
    babywavy wrote:
    You CAN take the wifes name - I've known someone who did this who had a destructive and abusive family life, and didn't keep in contact with his family, so he had no reason to carry on the name - OR you can make up a name of your own. I read on some wedding website that a couple had combined their last names to make up a new last name.

    In my case, and probably most cases, it's traditional to take your husbands name. Most men find pride in carrying on their family name, so why do we have to look for reasons to take that away from them.

    It depends on where you live, too.

    In New York, when you apply for a marriage license, there are places on the form for both spouses to specify a new last name. So the woman can take the man's name, the man can take the woman's name, they can both change their names to anything, they can both keep their original las tnames. Whatever. I understand in some states the options are more limited and you have to jump through a lot more hoops unless you are doing the traditional patriarchal thang.

    As for the bolded, I am sure some women take pride in carrying on their family name too. I don't think it's looking for reasons to take something away from your man if you are not comfortable with changing your identity when you get married. It's not about taking away fromthe man, it's about being true to yourself.


    I don't see my last name as my identity. I see my first name as more my identity than my last name. I see my last name as my FAMILY name, and when I become my husbands family, I take his name that represents that.

    I also think it makes a nice balance in the family. I think women are constantly trying to compete to make themselves equal to men, but in reality, we will never be equal. In fact, if we prove that we are equal in every way, we will actually not be equal, but we will be superior as women. No matter what WE accomplish, men will never be able to bear children. We forget what a HUGE ability this is that we have over men that they will NEVER be able to do. We create life and GIVE men something to pass their genes and hertiage onto. What's in a name? I think we can at least give them that.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    I changed my last name for one purely selfish reason: aesthetics. My husband's short, simple, easy last name is about a BAZILLION times better sounding than mine was, especially when combined with my names--something writers like me have to consider. It's not weird, seemingly-unpronouncable, and easily mocked. Nope. It's boring and bland and I *heart* it.

    If I had to do it over, though, I *might* have changed mine back from the ugly Americanized spelling to the original Hungarian, and hyphenated. But probably not.

    That's exactly why I'm keeping mine. It just sounds right.

    Here's to selfishness :lol:
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    babywavy wrote:

    I don't see my last name as my identity. I see my first name as more my identity than my last name. I see my last name as my FAMILY name, and when I become my husbands family, I take his name that represents that.

    I also think it makes a nice balance in the family. I think women are constantly trying to compete to make themselves equal to men, but in reality, we will never be equal. In fact, if we prove that we are equal in every way, we will actually not be equal, but we will be superior as women. No matter what WE accomplish, men will never be able to bear children. We forget what a HUGE ability this is that we have over men that they will NEVER be able to do. We create life and GIVE men something to pass their genes and hertiage onto. What's in a name? I think we can at least give them that.


    If that's what a couple decides that is best for them, then they should do that. But not all men feel that way either. My SO doesn't care if I take his name, for example. In fact, he is the one who brought up me keeping my own name, because he saw the difficulty name changing brought his mother (e.g. she had to legally change her name in two different countries, which affected her legal status there).
    3027585431_55b6195e50_s.jpg3028374752_0df4d81a1b_s.jpg3028422696_8dcef38baa_s.jpg
    TickerTicker.aspx?&TT=bdy&TT1=bdy&CL=29&CT=&CG=F&O=m_nestbirds&T=t_b14&D=20080913&M1=&D1=2009&T2=&T1=Baby+Iris&CC=0&CO=&step=5&radio=A
  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users
    iris427 wrote:
    babywavy wrote:

    I don't see my last name as my identity. I see my first name as more my identity than my last name. I see my last name as my FAMILY name, and when I become my husbands family, I take his name that represents that.

    I also think it makes a nice balance in the family. I think women are constantly trying to compete to make themselves equal to men, but in reality, we will never be equal. In fact, if we prove that we are equal in every way, we will actually not be equal, but we will be superior as women. No matter what WE accomplish, men will never be able to bear children. We forget what a HUGE ability this is that we have over men that they will NEVER be able to do. We create life and GIVE men something to pass their genes and hertiage onto. What's in a name? I think we can at least give them that.


    If that's what a couple decides that is best for them, then they should do that. But not all men feel that way either. My SO doesn't care if I take his name, for example. In fact, he is the one who brought up me keeping my own name, because he saw the difficulty name changing brought his mother (e.g. she had to legally change her name in two different countries, which affected her legal status there).


    Well, I actually said that in a previous post. Some men don't desire to carry on their family name, and in that case, why would they have to give it to their wives? Yes, I agree that it's what the couple wants.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • DiscgirlDiscgirl Posts: 746Registered Users
    That "ownership" thing is exactly why changing my name has always been a non-starter for me.

    If a man feels "diminished" by his wife not taking his name, he has more problems than he's willing to acknowledge. It's not a question of a woman finding another way to show up men, blah, blah, blah. Plus, my name is on all my stuff (degrees, credit history, work I've created), etc. I also like the fact that long lost friends can google me and have my name pop right up and let them contact me. I had it happen and it was swell.

    I'm being theoretical, b/c I'm not married. Nevertheless, I don't think I could be with a man who was insistent about me taking his name. I'd just want to know why.
«134