51 and over and does not have life together

CurleeDSTCurleeDST Posts: 467Registered Users
Ok so I was talking with some family members yesterday and one of them has a friend who is 50 years old. Slightly overweight, cute face, active member of a black sorority - graduate chapter, divorced with a grown daughter who is away in college.

She meets a man in church who is also 50 plus years old, single, never been married, no children, a deacon at the church, and temporarily unemployed. His car is also out of commission for 6 months and he lives in a rooming house.

Fast forward 18 months later. He still lives in the rooming house, his car is fixed but can't be driven out of town, he is working as a custodian (2nd job in 12 months) and he is still with my family member's friend who is active at the same church as he is.

Situation #1:

During the earthquake he went to his girlfriend's house to stay with her. When her electricity went out he left her there and went back to his rooming house. She was left to call all over town looking for someone to stay with.

Situation #2:

They were going out on date night and ultimately come to find out date night was staying home, watching a movie, eating pizza at her house.

Situation #3:

Her daughter can't stand him and he doesn't like her either.

Situation #4:

He says he doesn't want to be married and she claims she wants to be married again.

Overall, my family member and her daughter both think men aren't honest in the beginning of a relationship and it causes situations like these. My husband, nephew and I agree that it isn't that the men lie...they may want to be in a relationship - just not with YOU!

So my family member is trying to figure out how to tell her friend to drop this loser. I told her he must have something going on that we can't see which is why he is still around 18 months later.

What do you all think? Is he a loser simply b/c he may not be as financially secure, stable and driving the nicest whip?
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Comments

  • lmariemlmariem Posts: 25Registered Users
    He sounds like a loser...and just plain old fashioned lazy...and I see a lot of woman with losers just like this guy...I often wonder what is going on in the woman's mental thinking process to think being treated this way is ok.

    Does she complain about how he treats her?
  • ninja dogninja dog Curl Neophyte Posts: 23,780Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think she's afraid that if she moves on (i.e., dumps him), she won't have anyone, and that's worse, in her line of thinking.
  • wonderdiana - shopaholic takes a napwonderdiana - shopaholic takes a nap Curl Neophyte Posts: 1,728Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I don't think men lie as a rule, and I don't think this man necessarily wants to be in a committed relationship with anyone.

    I agree that this guy sounds like a loser. The unfortunate part is I doubt anyone will be able to convince your family member to drop her beau. If any of you point out his flaws she's just going to defend him, and the more she has to defend him the more she'll be convincing herself that he isn't a loser.
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  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    I think he sounds like a loser, but not because of some of the stuff you mentioned. There's nothing wrong with being a custodian, for one, nor that it's his second job in twelve months.
    Him not having a great car doesn't make him a loser either.

    He sounds like a loser because he seems to be a jerk. He went to her place then just bailed on her when she didn't have power. His idea of date night doesn't seem to involve any effort on his part to treat this woman nicely. And if she wants to re-marry, she needs to find herself someone else. Plus, it's nice to have someone your kid actually likes.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Curl Connoisseur Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Hell yes he's a loser. I don't know if you can "tell" her that though. She probably won't accept it well.
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    I'm posting from my phone since my work computer won't let me type for some reason. Anyhow, the fact that he's a custodian and is on job number two in a year doesn't make him a loser. In this economy, it's not unusual to get laid off twice in a year. Or the custodial job is a stop gap one until he finds something better . Even if all he's done is custodial work, it's an honest living and there should be no shame in it.

    What does make him a loser is his behavior toward the friend. He showed a total lack of concern for her when he left her during a power outage. The relationship is also in trouble because they want different things-she wants marriage and he doesn't. She might not listen to anyone who tells her to dump him though. Some women think any man is better than no man because we're taught that were worthless without one.
    .



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  • CurleeDSTCurleeDST Posts: 467Registered Users
    I think he is not up to her standard because he doesn't want to get married. She does - point blank period. They need to be on the same page and she not settle to be with him b/c she may feel self conscious about her weight or think she can't do better. He knows exactly what he has in her and will milk it for all it is worth.

    Also, if you went to college and did not finish - do NOT constantly let people know you are going back and it is well over 15 - 20 years! Just let it go. That is what he does frequently.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Curl Connoisseur Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Are you serious? Hun, this is a no-brainer.

    What did he lie about? I dont see the connection. He seeems upfront (about the fact that he is a loser).
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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    CurleeDST wrote: »
    Ok so I was talking with some family members yesterday and one of them has a friend who is 50 years old. Slightly overweight, cute face, active member of a black sorority - graduate chapter, divorced with a grown daughter who is away in college.

    She meets a man in church who is also 50 plus years old, single, never been married, no children, a deacon at the church, and temporarily unemployed. His car is also out of commission for 6 months and he lives in a rooming house.

    Fast forward 18 months later. He still lives in the rooming house, his car is fixed but can't be driven out of town, he is working as a custodian (2nd job in 12 months) and he is still with my family member's friend who is active at the same church as he is.

    Situation #1:

    During the earthquake he went to his girlfriend's house to stay with her. When her electricity went out he left her there and went back to his rooming house. She was left to call all over town looking for someone to stay with.

    Situation #2:

    They were going out on date night and ultimately come to find out date night was staying home, watching a movie, eating pizza at her house.

    Situation #3:

    Her daughter can't stand him and he doesn't like her either.

    Situation #4:

    He says he doesn't want to be married and she claims she wants to be married again.

    Overall, my family member and her daughter both think men aren't honest in the beginning of a relationship and it causes situations like these. My husband, nephew and I agree that it isn't that the men lie...they may want to be in a relationship - just not with YOU!

    So my family member is trying to figure out how to tell her friend to drop this loser. I told her he must have something going on that we can't see which is why he is still around 18 months later.

    What do you all think? Is he a loser simply b/c he may not be as financially secure, stable and driving the nicest whip?

    Maybe these are my prejudices, but the two bolded would kill it for me - I'm not crazy about unemployed or the job he has and no car (for financial reasons) either, but those seem more temporary and possibly surmountable than the other two. DUH he doesn't want to be married if he reached over 50 and never did - it would probably be a bad idea to try it now after being so set in his ways.

    She should certainly raise her standards or she will end up supporting his broke ass.

    I don't think it is necessary for a man to be wealthy, have a great car, top-notch job etc. to have a successful relationship, and I understand that life throws challenges at many people, but for me personally, I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who in 50 years hasn't had some sort of an education, hasn't got some kind of profession/career, hasn't generally worked steadily though of course unemployment can happen from time to time, hasn't maintained his own place, at least renting a bachelor suite or something, and hasn't shown himself capable of forming functional relationships in the past.

    * not having a car because he wants to have a green/active lifestyle would be different for me.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • Jenny CJenny C Posts: 1,195Registered Users
    Unfortunately there isn't much you can do here. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has dumped a loser/jerk because her friends told her she should. It's something she has to do in her own time. If you point out he's a loser, she will come back with reasons that he's not. The only thing you might get her to 'see' is that they want different things since that is a fact, not your opinion.

    I'm sure she knows he's no prize, but for whatever reason she's willing to accept it.
    If you got nothing to bring to the table - don't even bother sitting down.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Saria wrote: »
    I think he sounds like a loser, but not because of some of the stuff you mentioned. There's nothing wrong with being a custodian, for one, nor that it's his second job in twelve months.
    Him not having a great car doesn't make him a loser either.

    He sounds like a loser because he seems to be a jerk. He went to her place then just bailed on her when she didn't have power. His idea of date night doesn't seem to involve any effort on his part to treat this woman nicely. And if she wants to re-marry, she needs to find herself someone else. Plus, it's nice to have someone your kid actually likes.

    There's nothing wrong with being a custodian - it's honest work - but I don't see it as a great match for a professional woman with a graduate degree, unless maybe the man is just a custodian as his day/side job but is working hard at writing novels/painting/doing music or something else and has an education and experience doing that. Even then, with such a great discrepancy in incomes and status I think there's a high risk of the relationship not working out.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Jenny C wrote: »
    Unfortunately there isn't much you can do here. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has dumped a loser/jerk because her friends told her she should. It's something she has to do in her own time. If you point out he's a loser, she will come back with reasons that he's not. The only thing you might get her to 'see' is that they want different things since that is a fact, not your opinion.

    I'm sure she knows he's no prize, but for whatever reason she's willing to accept it.

    Unfortunately, this is usually true... much to my chagrin.

    The fact that they met in church and attend the same church probably doesn't help... because she's thinking they've got a good mutual foundation for a relationship and probably feeling guilty about looking down on him or judging him because of what religious teachings allegedly say and she has to see him all the time anyway and probably a bunch of church people are up in their business, etc. etc. etc.

    eta: Maybe it's just me, but if I've reached 50, had a kid, already gone through a divorce, and have a good career and other things going for me, why in the hell would I want another man or to get married again unless it was to an absolute prince? What is marriage going to do for her at this point unless it is really fulfilling and stress-free? She isn't looking to have more kids at her age. I get the desire for sex and companionship, but is that worth having to support some broke ass person, alienate your own daughter, have people look down on you and just generally have hassles? Why would anyone choose to take that on at a time in their life when they've ended one bad marriage, kid is on the way to being independent and they can just enjoy life?
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    I was wondering why he can't drive the car out of town? :confused5:
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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    I was wondering why he can't drive the car out of town? :confused5:

    Insufficient insurance, or criminal charges in another state? Or the car is in too bad shape to go at high speeds on the highway?
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  • damsel_flydamsel_fly Posts: 457Registered Users
    He doesn't want to be married; she does.

    She needs to move on.

    She deserves more.
  • JosephineJosephine Curl Connoisseur Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    There are more issues that come before the wanting to be married part. When and where did this guy lie? He is being honest. I don't understand why she would be with him if he left her high and dry with the electricity being out. Even if everything else was right, that alone would never take a man back after that. That speaks volumes of his character. Besides that, he can't drive or get around and doesn't have his own place? Really??
  • curlyarcacurlyarca Curl Connoisseur Posts: 8,449Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote: »
    Jenny C wrote: »
    Unfortunately there isn't much you can do here. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has dumped a loser/jerk because her friends told her she should. It's something she has to do in her own time. If you point out he's a loser, she will come back with reasons that he's not. The only thing you might get her to 'see' is that they want different things since that is a fact, not your opinion.

    I'm sure she knows he's no prize, but for whatever reason she's willing to accept it.

    Unfortunately, this is usually true... much to my chagrin.

    The fact that they met in church and attend the same church probably doesn't help... because she's thinking they've got a good mutual foundation for a relationship and probably feeling guilty about looking down on him or judging him because of what religious teachings allegedly say and she has to see him all the time anyway and probably a bunch of church people are up in their business, etc. etc. etc.

    eta: Maybe it's just me, but if I've reached 50, had a kid, already gone through a divorce, and have a good career and other things going for me, why in the hell would I want another man or to get married again unless it was to an absolute prince? What is marriage going to do for her at this point unless it is really fulfilling and stress-free? She isn't looking to have more kids at her age. I get the desire for sex and companionship, but is that worth having to support some broke ass person, alienate your own daughter, have people look down on you and just generally have hassles? Why would anyone choose to take that on at a time in their life when they've ended one bad marriage, kid is on the way to being independent and they can just enjoy life?

    A lot of people marry for the first time or again later in life. Some people marry for the income. Or as you mentioned, the companionship. Being single until my last dying breath looks bleak for me. I would like to have someone close to me who could be an advocate for me outside of my family of origin or extended family. I tend to see singledom as something that works great for you in your youth but not so great for you when you're elderly.

    If I believed in sex in wedlock only, there is no way I'd give up sex and just be single and celibate forever. That alone may make me consider marrying someone. Sounds crazy, but if that's what I believed, that's what I'd have to do.

    All that said....I wouldn't marry this fool. LOL When he left to go back to his rooming house (WTF?), I would have not so politely cut him out of my life.

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  • journotravelerjournotraveler Posts: 2,816Registered Users
    Josephine wrote: »
    There are more issues that come before the wanting to be married part. When and where did this guy lie? He is being honest. I don't understand why she would be with him if he left her high and dry with the electricity being out. Even if everything else was right, that alone would never take a man back after that. That speaks volumes of his character. Besides that, he can't drive or get around and doesn't have his own place? Really??

    This. I'm not comfortable with calling people "losers." Some folks are late bloomers; others hit hard times, especially in this economy. But this demonstrates that he doesn't have her back, and to me, that is the reason to kick him to the curb.

    I once dated a guy who didn't want kids while I did. I was happy to just date him for the time being. But I broke up with him after I had a uterine biopsy and he didn't call me to see how things went. For days. He told me that I shouldn't have broken up with him over that, I should've broken up with him because he didn't want kids. I told him, if you can't follow through on the basics, then I wouldn't want to have kids with you anyway, so that's a moot point.
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  • irociroc Curl Neophyte Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think she's falling into the trap many women do. They stay with a less desirable man because they have grown to like him, he's there, and they're trying to glorify him I to being the man they truly want. Even though this man obviously isn't.

    Then they make excuses for why the shortcomings are 'okay' or why they should learn to accept them.

    As far as I'm concerned, you shouldn't have to 'accept' anything. You should be fulfilled and be happy.


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  • cailincailin Curl Connoisseur Posts: 928Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Yeah, the whole leaving when she didn't have power...not OK. Even if he did want to get married I doubt he'd be around for the whole "good times and bad" section of the contract.
  • rainshowerrainshower Posts: 4,420Registered Users
    CurleeDST wrote: »
    What do you all think? Is he a loser simply b/c he may not be as financially secure, stable and driving the nicest whip?

    i think his circumstances may be an indication of his character in that he may be the type who cannot take initiative or follow through on things, even things in his best interest, which may be why he never finished college decades later, or didn't help out his girlfriend during a crisis, or why he's a janitor (i also agree that being a janitor should not make a person an unfavorable candidate. but that he went to college indicates that he most likely wanted an earning potential greater than that of a janitor. and that decades later, he hasn't accomplished that may indicate him not taking initiative and meeting goals.)

    so in that regard, i don't think it's wrong to think that he's not a good match for your family member.

    loser? em, kind of harsh. but as you indicated, he just doesn't have his act together. my sil is mid-30s and her husband is about 51. he doesn't have his act together either.

    apparently, being self-sufficient to create stability in one's life isn't a skill that everyone has. but then again, there are people who try, but circumstances work against them in everything they attempt. it doesn't sound like the guy you describe is the latter, but :dontknow:.
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