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Is this REALLY that unforgettable? (relationship issue)

kurlskurls Posts: 843Registered Users
My boyfriend was up this weekend, and my roommate had her fiance up also. We'll all hanging out, and my cell phone rings. It's one of my buddies from FL calling - it was 9am - and he for whatever reason was just shooting the breeze...asking how my weekend was, how I was doing, telling me about how he and his sister are coming up soon and would like us all to get together. NOW, in the midst of this 'general' conversation, everyone is mulling around and my BF comes IN the livingroom and sits next to me on the couch while I'm talking - which is fine with me because I wasn't being shady or sneaking around. Within MINUTES, he shoots me this look, jumps UP from the couch and storms off. I get off the phone minutes later, run in the back to explain myself, and he proceeds to tell me he is NOT cool with this, blah blah blah.

So we all sit down to eat, and when we're done and just talking - he brings up how RUDE it was of me to be on the phone with some other dude while HE was right there - AND while everyone was around!! How that was embarassing to him, and disrespectful...and that he feels that if I'm THAT bold to talk to a guy while he's there, then he has no CLUE what I do when he's NOT there or whom I talk to. That was MONDAY - and now it's Wed, and everytime I TALK to BF, he is bringing up how RUDE I was and how he is so hurt by what I did...how he is uneasy now about 'us', and how he now isn't sure if I'm being 'faithful' to him or not.

A QUICK flashback story on why he is THIS upset...is because my ex and I have been good friends for YEARS. I even introduced the 2 of them (ex and BF). But BF made it clear that my 'close' relationship with my ex made him uncomfortable, and although I put up a fight for months, I finally decided that it wasn't worth the hassle, and limited my association with my ex...out of respect for my BF. So THAT happened all of 3 weeks ago and is still 'fresh' in BF's mind...and he doesn't cease to remind me of THAT situation when he can.

So what can I do???? I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could. But yet, he can't let GO of this situation....underlying issue being that he feels that my guy friends all 'want' me and that having them around is disrespecting our relationship. How do I get him to let this mess GO????
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
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Comments

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • kurlskurls Posts: 843Registered Users
    Amneris wrote:
    I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.

    Quick question - WHY would that be a red flag to you?
    People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    I agree...jealously & controlling come to mind
    I wouldn't put up w/ it
    
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  • internetchickinternetchick Posts: 6,191Registered Users
    kurls wrote:
    Amneris wrote:
    I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.

    Quick question - WHY would that be a red flag to you?

    He sounds seriously insecure. I agree with Amneris. His insecurity can end up controlling your life if you let it.
  • bushyheadbushyhead Posts: 1,676Registered Users
    I don't think it was rude either, or inappropriate. It sounds like your boyfriend has major insecurity issues. He doesn't expect you to ever speak to a member of the opposite sex because it's disrespectful to him? That's ridiculous. And the fact that you were doing it "while he was right there" . . . weren't you in a separate room when you answered the phone and then he came in mid-conversation? I could understand being a little annoyed if you and BF were in the middle of a conversation, and you interrupted it to take the call, but even that wouldn't warrant the strong reaction you got from him.
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  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Posts: 2,551Registered Users
    I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

    Emergency's excepted of course.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    kurls wrote:
    Amneris wrote:
    I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.

    Quick question - WHY would that be a red flag to you?

    It's a big red flag to me too. He is trying to prevent you from having any friends of the opposite sex. That means he is trying to control you. One of the first steps of physically or emotionally abusive men is to isolate the woman from her friends and family. He is trying to isolate you from your male friends. That's not fair to you and it reveals that he has some real issues.

    It shows that he has major issues with jealousy (which relate to the control issue). He obviously doesn't trust you. From my experience, insecure people can be very dangerous--they always put concern for themselves over others and their insecurity can warp their perceptions of things. I don't necessarily mean physically dangerous or violent, but I have found that people with serious insecurities are generally untrustworthy and have other issues hiding under the surface.

    This reminds me of a man my mom used to live with. He would get extremely jealous of other men. He slowly took steps to isolate her from her friends and family. He didn't want my brother to visit because he couldn't stand my SIL. He didn't want my grandfather to visit because he didn't like my grandfather's girlfriend. He didn't want to go out to parties because social situations made him anxious. Et cetera, et cetera. She lived with him for years before truly discovering the depths of his craziness.
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  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users
    Red flag for me too.
  • kurlskurls Posts: 843Registered Users
    BF is very insecure - that I will admit. For all his status and what he has - good looks included - he is VERY insecure, which is sad.

    Either way, i FULLY admit to it being rude - cause I was on the phone for a good 30 mins, and I know I would feel some sort of way had it been the other way around: had he been at MY house, on the phone for a significant amount of time with some girl. Can't say I wouldn't catch a FIT over that myself.....but I know I wouldn't hold ONTO that and continue to harp on it for days - I'm sorry!!

    He keeps tying it into 'trust' and making it SUCH a big deal! As if I CHEATED on him or something....UGH. It's getting on my nerves.
    People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
  • KraytKrayt Posts: 765Registered Users
    Bottom line, it wasn't rude. You talked to a friend.

    He needs to grow some testicles and get the **** over it.

    You are dating a jealous pansy.
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    Is this a long distance relationship (you said he was up fo the weekend)?

    HOw often do you see each other?

    Does your "close" ex live in the same city as you?
  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,937Registered Users
    Yes, it is rude to ignore your guests to spend half an hour chatting on the phone to some random friend. I don't do that when I have guests and I can't imagine trying to entertain myself for half an hour if I were visiting a friend who decided that the person on the phone was the priority right now.

    That said, it's not worth getting huffy or holding a grudge and bringing up over and over. That's just obnoxious.
  • kurlskurls Posts: 843Registered Users
    scrills wrote:
    Is this a long distance relationship (you said he was up fo the weekend)?

    HOw often do you see each other?

    Does your "close" ex live in the same city as you?

    BF lives in Philly - which is 45 mins away. I don't REALLY consider it long-distance, but I guess it can be. Either way, because of our schedules, the most I get to see him is on weekends...although we talk everyday, 2-3 times a day!

    My ex lives here in my city - and we've been good friends forever. Of course more recently, this ex 'confessed' how he felt and that he still has feelings FOR me, which of course made my decision to limit our association MUCH easier.
    People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
  • PoodleheadPoodlehead Posts: 6,959Registered Users
    It was rude, but your boyfriend should have easily gotten over it. However, I agree with Amneris. The fact that he keeps bringing up the "trust" issue is a definite red flag. If you've never given him a reason to mistrust you, his worries are unfounded and over the top.

    That said, if I were your boyfriend and you spend half an hour on the phone with a guy who has made his intentions that clear, I'd probably be ticked off too.
    Minneapolis, MN
  • SaKkehSaKkeh Posts: 986Registered Users
    kurls wrote:
    I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could.

    I dont understand why you would even apologise for this...what did you do wrong? Nothing according to your story...so why are you apologising? Thats just giving him ammunition. Don't let him tell you who you can or cannot talk to when he is around. I unerstand why he would be insecure with the ex-boyfriend situation, but dont let him hang it pover your head and make you feel guilty for speaking to your male friends.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    kurls wrote:
    Amneris wrote:
    I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.

    Quick question - WHY would that be a red flag to you?

    Jealousy, insecurity and control issues. They are annoying as are and often escalate to worse.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Posts: 2,551Registered Users
    SaKkeh wrote:
    kurls wrote:
    I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could.

    I dont understand why you would even apologise for this...what did you do wrong? Nothing according to your story...so why are you apologising? Thats just giving him ammunition. Don't let him tell you who you can or cannot talk to when he is around. I unerstand why he would be insecure with the ex-boyfriend situation, but dont let him hang it pover your head and make you feel guilty for speaking to your male friends.

    It's not the fact that she was talking to a particular person that was rude. It's the fact that she spent more than a minute or two talking on the phone when she had guests. I don't know how anyone could say that is not rude. However, the boyfriend is making too big a deal of it and that is the red flag. Maybe he wants to break up but doesn't know how to say it.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    sdcurly wrote:
    I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

    Emergency's excepted of course.

    She was in her own home for the weekend with a house full of guests who can entertain each other, so I don't think it's rude.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • SaKkehSaKkeh Posts: 986Registered Users
    sdcurly wrote:
    SaKkeh wrote:
    kurls wrote:
    I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could.

    I dont understand why you would even apologise for this...what did you do wrong? Nothing according to your story...so why are you apologising? Thats just giving him ammunition. Don't let him tell you who you can or cannot talk to when he is around. I unerstand why he would be insecure with the ex-boyfriend situation, but dont let him hang it pover your head and make you feel guilty for speaking to your male friends.

    It's not the fact that she was talking to a particular person that was rude. It's the fact that she spent more than a minute or two talking on the phone when she had guests. I don't know how anyone could say that is not rude. However, the boyfriend is making too big a deal of it and that is the red flag. Maybe he wants to break up but doesn't know how to say it.

    Sd, what book is that written in that its "rude" to spend more than a minute or two on the phone when she has guests? Was he even IN the room with her? He's the one who needs to excuse himself and wait until she is finished with her call.
  • KraytKrayt Posts: 765Registered Users
    sdcurly wrote:
    SaKkeh wrote:
    kurls wrote:
    I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could.

    I dont understand why you would even apologise for this...what did you do wrong? Nothing according to your story...so why are you apologising? Thats just giving him ammunition. Don't let him tell you who you can or cannot talk to when he is around. I unerstand why he would be insecure with the ex-boyfriend situation, but dont let him hang it pover your head and make you feel guilty for speaking to your male friends.

    It's not the fact that she was talking to a particular person that was rude. It's the fact that she spent more than a minute or two talking on the phone when she had guests. I don't know how anyone could say that is not rude. However, the boyfriend is making too big a deal of it and that is the red flag. Maybe he wants to break up but doesn't know how to say it.

    Sounds to me like it was an out of town friend she doesn't get to talk to much. Don't think its rude. People could have conversed amongst themselves. Get over it.

    Also, agree with the jealous, insecure, needs to wake the **** up boyfriend issues.
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    CGNYC wrote:
    Yes, it is rude to ignore your guests to spend half an hour chatting on the phone to some random friend. I don't do that when I have guests and I can't imagine trying to entertain myself for half an hour if I were visiting a friend who decided that the person on the phone was the priority right now.

    That said, it's not worth getting huffy or holding a grudge and bringing up over and over. That's just obnoxious.

    ITA. You were being rude. Doesn't matter who was on the phone (male or female). But the fact that your BF can't move past it, concerns me.
  • Gemini13Gemini13 Posts: 5,000Registered Users
    Amneris wrote:
    sdcurly wrote:
    I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

    Emergency's excepted of course.

    She was in her own home for the weekend with a house full of guests who can entertain each other, so I don't think it's rude.

    Anyway, are her boyfriend and her roomate's fiance really "guests?"
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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    kurls wrote:
    BF is very insecure - that I will admit. For all his status and what he has - good looks included - he is VERY insecure, which is sad.

    Either way, i FULLY admit to it being rude - cause I was on the phone for a good 30 mins, and I know I would feel some sort of way had it been the other way around: had he been at MY house, on the phone for a significant amount of time with some girl. Can't say I wouldn't catch a FIT over that myself.....but I know I wouldn't hold ONTO that and continue to harp on it for days - I'm sorry!!

    He keeps tying it into 'trust' and making it SUCH a big deal! As if I CHEATED on him or something....UGH. It's getting on my nerves.

    He should be apologizing to you for going off on you and making a big deal over nothing. Instead, he has you apologizing to him. That is exactly how abuse (and I am including mental/psychological abuse) starts.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • SaKkehSaKkeh Posts: 986Registered Users
    Amneris wrote:
    sdcurly wrote:
    I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

    Emergency's excepted of course.

    She was in her own home for the weekend with a house full of guests who can entertain each other, so I don't think it's rude.

    Precisely. Its not like they were alone and she proceeded to spend two hours on the phone and completely ignore him. That I could understand him beign upset about.
  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Posts: 2,551Registered Users
    Gemini13 wrote:
    Amneris wrote:
    sdcurly wrote:
    I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

    Emergency's excepted of course.

    She was in her own home for the weekend with a house full of guests who can entertain each other, so I don't think it's rude.

    Anyway, are her boyfriend and her roomate's fiance really "guests?"

    I do think it's rude. A guest is anyone in you invited into your home who doesn't live there. Manners seem to be going out of style.
  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Posts: 2,551Registered Users
    SaKkeh wrote:
    Amneris wrote:
    sdcurly wrote:
    I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

    Emergency's excepted of course.

    She was in her own home for the weekend with a house full of guests who can entertain each other, so I don't think it's rude.

    Precisely. Its not like they were alone and she proceeded to spend two hours on the phone and completely ignore him. That I could understand him beign upset about.

    How can you not ignore someone in the room when you are talking on the phone? Whether there are other people there or not, he was her guest not theirs.
  • SaKkehSaKkeh Posts: 986Registered Users
    I'd love to hear what Kurls thinks about this. Do you consider your BF a "guest" in your home?
  • SaKkehSaKkeh Posts: 986Registered Users
    sdcurly wrote:
    How can you not ignore someone in the room when you are talking on the phone? Whether there are other people there or not, he was her guest not theirs.

    In that case, they ALL had the right to blow up in her face then. I dont think it was about her ignoring him as a guest. It was about his jealousy over her speaking to a male on the phone. I am almost sure he would nto haev behaved that way if she was speaking to her mother on the phone
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    sdcurly wrote:
    Gemini13 wrote:
    Amneris wrote:
    sdcurly wrote:
    I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

    Emergency's excepted of course.

    She was in her own home for the weekend with a house full of guests who can entertain each other, so I don't think it's rude.

    Anyway, are her boyfriend and her roomate's fiance really "guests?"

    I do think it's rude. A guest is anyone in you invited into your home who doesn't live there. Manners seem to be going out of style.

    So if a family member visits for a month, you can NEVER take a personal phone call from anyone else? I think that's kind of ridiculous. When my husband and I were dating, he visited me at grad school for 2 weeks. I lived with my aunt so he stayed there too. She and I took phone calls, and I had homework to do, chores to do, rehearsals, auditions etc. etc. Life didn't stop for my boyfriend. Whenever possible, we did stuff together, but he understood that I was a busy student. It was NYC - he was perfectly capable of finding stuff to do on his own without me coddling him.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • KCLKCL Posts: 1,663Registered Users
    kurls wrote:
    My boyfriend was up this weekend, and my roommate had her fiance up also. We'll all hanging out, and my cell phone rings. It's one of my buddies from FL calling - it was 9am - and he for whatever reason was just shooting the breeze...asking how my weekend was, how I was doing, telling me about how he and his sister are coming up soon and would like us all to get together. NOW, in the midst of this 'general' conversation, everyone is mulling around and my BF comes IN the livingroom and sits next to me on the couch while I'm talking - which is fine with me because I wasn't being shady or sneaking around. Within MINUTES, he shoots me this look, jumps UP from the couch and storms off. I get off the phone minutes later, run in the back to explain myself, and he proceeds to tell me he is NOT cool with this, blah blah blah.

    So we all sit down to eat, and when we're done and just talking - he brings up how RUDE it was of me to be on the phone with some other dude while HE was right there - AND while everyone was around!! How that was embarassing to him, and disrespectful...and that he feels that if I'm THAT bold to talk to a guy while he's there, then he has no CLUE what I do when he's NOT there or whom I talk to. That was MONDAY - and now it's Wed, and everytime I TALK to BF, he is bringing up how RUDE I was and how he is so hurt by what I did...how he is uneasy now about 'us', and how he now isn't sure if I'm being 'faithful' to him or not.

    A QUICK flashback story on why he is THIS upset...is because my ex and I have been good friends for YEARS. I even introduced the 2 of them (ex and BF). But BF made it clear that my 'close' relationship with my ex made him uncomfortable, and although I put up a fight for months, I finally decided that it wasn't worth the hassle, and limited my association with my ex...out of respect for my BF. So THAT happened all of 3 weeks ago and is still 'fresh' in BF's mind...and he doesn't cease to remind me of THAT situation when he can.

    So what can I do???? I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could. But yet, he can't let GO of this situation....underlying issue being that he feels that my guy friends all 'want' me and that having them around is disrespecting our relationship. How do I get him to let this mess GO????

    I actually kind of see your boyfriend's point of view. I don't think you meant to be rude, but I'm thinking that it would be extremely rare for your ex- to just want to be platonic friends with you and have no romantic/sexual intentions at all.

    I can understand why your boyfriend was upset and I don't think that it means that he is jealous, insecure, or has deep issues.
    If there were more people on earth who desired their own happiness more than the unhappiness of others we would have a paradise ~ Bertrand Russell
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