A Child's Death...What's the bigger tragedy?

Butterfly_CurlzButterfly_Curlz Posts: 955Registered Users
So about 2 weeks ago one of my male cousin's got into a car accident & unfortunately his 4yr old daughter got killed. I'm sure we all agree that this is a tragedy however I believe the way the mother is acting now is waaaaaay worse.

Some bkground: My cousin doesn't have a license, the mother of the child also does not have a license. The mother of the child got into a accident a wk before this one but drove away from the scene of the accident bc she didn't want to get in trouble for not having a license. Also, the two of them fight like cats & dogs.

So on the day of the accident the mother drives to pick up my cousin along w/their daughter & my cousins other child. At some point they get into a confrontation (physical) on the highway, she loses control of the vehicle, it flips & the little girl dies.

My cousin got released from the hospital immediately but his son & the child's mother had to stay overnight. Unknown to my cousin, the child's mother & her family made plans to have a "private family viewing" for the little girl & then ship her body to NY to bury her. We found out ab the viewing and when our side of the family showed up they refused to let any of us in. However after sometime they finally let in my cousin & my aunt & uncle. Everyone else had to wait outside.

Then they decided to bury the little girl in Jersey instead of NY but my cousin still was not welcome/invited to the funeral. To top it all off, my cousin received a notice in the mail stating that he had to appear in court bc the mother was filing a restraining order aginst him bc "he had killed their baby".

Excuse me but what a crock of BS!!!!!! Right wrong or indifferent both of them need to accept responsibility for what happened. Neither of them were suppossed to be behind the wheel in the first place & while it is still unclear ab who struck first I think that detail is irrelevant. If the mother who was driving hit him first clearly she was dead wrong. However he did not have to strike her bk. He clearly could not have stopped her from hitting him or stopped the vehicle but he didn't have to react knowing his children were in the bk of the car.

Second if he hit her first then of course he was dead wrong. However being the one behind the wheel the mother definitely should not have hit bk but rather pulled over & called the cops for assistance. Either way they both played a role in the death of their daughter.

I am not attempting to play the blame game however I do believe that in a time like this they should be coming together as a support to one another instead of trying to say one person is more at fault then the other and making a horrible situation into an even bigger tragedy.

Idk...any thoughts?

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Comments

  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    IMO, I guess it doesn't sound like they'd come together during a time like this. She's looking for someone to blame for the child's death, and he's the perfect person for her to do that with.

    I feel for both of them, I hope that it all works out.

    I am assuming there is a police report or something from the accident? Is there a way that he can get a hold of that before going to court for the restraining order? Maybe it says something about them fighting. I dunno.
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  • roseannadanaroseannadana Posts: 5,633Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    What an awful thing to have happen. It's hard to say without knowing the whole story but if the mother was driving and your cousin assaulted her while driving, she could have lost control of the car just trying to fend off the assault.

    Anyway, the bigger tragedy is the child has died, not that the parents are estranged. Eventually, they may find peace with each other, but the child is still gone.

    I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  • CurlyCurliesCurlyCurlies Posts: 1,641Registered Users
    Apparently their relationship was already on the rocks, I don't see how the death of their child is supposed to make it better, especially when one (or both) of their actions were responsible for her death.

    I agree that she should not having been driving, but if his assault caused the wreck (& really I can't see how it wouldn't) I'd be tempted to lay most of the blame on him, too. Really, I'm surprised that neither one of them was arrested.
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  • Butterfly_CurlzButterfly_Curlz Posts: 955Registered Users
    M2LR wrote: »
    IMO, I guess it doesn't sound like they'd come together during a time like this. She's looking for someone to blame for the child's death, and he's the perfect person for her to do that with.

    I feel for both of them, I hope that it all works out.

    I am assuming there is a police report or something from the accident? Is there a way that he can get a hold of that before going to court for the restraining order? Maybe it says something about them fighting. I dunno.

    Good suggestion. I'll be sure to mention that to him.
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  • Butterfly_CurlzButterfly_Curlz Posts: 955Registered Users
    What an awful thing to have happen. It's hard to say without knowing the whole story but if the mother was driving and your cousin assaulted her while driving, she could have lost control of the car just trying to fend off the assault.

    Anyway, the bigger tragedy is the child has died, not that the parents are estranged. Eventually, they may find peace with each other, but the child is still gone.

    I didn't mean to give the impression that that was what I was implying. It is a horrible tragedy that they lost their child, however I was referring to the fact that during a time where they should be mourning & celebrating their child's life & the joy she bought them they are (well actually she is) instead focused on making each other the "bad person" in the situation.

    Which to a certain extent I can see (it's hard to accept the fact that you played a role in your own child's demise) & since they had a history of always fighting I can see things getting pushed this far, however its almost like can't you for once be civil? I mean he still has another child to raise who also lost his little sister. Why not focus on that?
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  • Butterfly_CurlzButterfly_Curlz Posts: 955Registered Users
    Apparently their relationship was already on the rocks, I don't see how the death of their child is supposed to make it better, especially when one (or both) of their actions were responsible for her death.

    I agree that she should not having been driving, but if his assault caused the wreck (& really I can't see how it wouldn't) I'd be tempted to lay most of the blame on him, too. Really, I'm surprised that neither one of them were arrested.

    Well they are still investigating her at the moment. However your statement in the first part is my entire point. To me it doesn't matter well he or her struck first. To a certain extent they both made choices that day that lead to their child's death (no matter whether it was driving w/out a license or striking first or second) & for that reason only they should not be pointing fingers. I'm not in the least saying they should become best friends but they could/should be civil. If not for anything else than for the other child thats still suffering as well.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Sounds like a "blame game" to me. Who the hell hits the driver of a car? You can't get any stupider than that. I don't care who hit first, you don't ever hit the driver, unless you have a death wish.

    Sounds like they are BOTH continuing their assholic ways, even after they BOTH killed their daughter. I'm sickened and appalled. Really.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I think it is very tragic that this poor child had to endure both of these people as parents and she had to lose her life because of their fighting. I feel no pity for either of them.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • fraufrau Posts: 6,130Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    omg, what an awful story. so sorry.
  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Sounds like a "blame game" to me. Who the hell hits the driver of a car? You can't get any stupider than that. I don't care who hit first, you don't ever hit the driver, unless you have a death wish.

    Sounds like they are BOTH continuing their assholic ways, even after they BOTH killed their daughter. I'm sickened and appalled. Really.
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    I think it is very tragic that this poor child had to endure both of these people as parents and she had to lose her life because of their fighting. I feel no pity for either of them.

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  • cyndicyndi Posts: 3,341Registered Users
    Sounds like a "blame game" to me. Who the hell hits the driver of a car? You can't get any stupider than that. I don't care who hit first, you don't ever hit the driver, unless you have a death wish.

    Sounds like they are BOTH continuing their assholic ways, even after they BOTH killed their daughter. I'm sickened and appalled. Really.

    This.

    I'm surprised she wasn't arrested on the scene for driving without a license and involuntary manslaughter. Actually, if he did hit the driver the driver he should be charged with the same thing (even if he didn't hit her first). I'm sorry, but there's no excuse for grown people hitting each other while operating a moving vehicle. I think they should both be charged.
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  • EilonwyEilonwy Posts: 12,391Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    To top it all off, my cousin received a notice in the mail stating that he had to appear in court bc the mother was filing a restraining order aginst him bc "he had killed their baby".
    Somehow I think the court is gonna find that frivolous.

    When something sad happens, people look for something or someone to blame because that's psychologically easier than accepting that tragic coincidences and accidents occur. It's not that people who do that are weak, it's just an aspect of human psychology that we need to place definitive blame somewhere. People may blame themselves, or they may blame others -- even other victims.
  • CurlyCurliesCurlyCurlies Posts: 1,641Registered Users
    cyndi wrote: »
    Sounds like a "blame game" to me. Who the hell hits the driver of a car? You can't get any stupider than that. I don't care who hit first, you don't ever hit the driver, unless you have a death wish.

    Sounds like they are BOTH continuing their assholic ways, even after they BOTH killed their daughter. I'm sickened and appalled. Really.

    This.

    I'm surprised she wasn't arrested on the scene for driving without a license and involuntary manslaughter. Actually, if he did hit the driver the driver he should be charged with the same thing (even if he didn't hit her first). I'm sorry, but there's no excuse for grown people hitting each other while operating a moving vehicle. I think they should both be charged.

    Yep, this is what I was getting at. A child is dead and her parents could have prevented it. Somebody should have been charged with something. I guess that's one for the police & the DA to figure out.
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  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Sounds like a "blame game" to me. Who the hell hits the driver of a car? You can't get any stupider than that. I don't care who hit first, you don't ever hit the driver, unless you have a death wish.
    .

    This all the way.
  • WiregirlWiregirl Posts: 1,695Registered Users
    Trenell wrote: »
    Sounds like a "blame game" to me. Who the hell hits the driver of a car? You can't get any stupider than that. I don't care who hit first, you don't ever hit the driver, unless you have a death wish.
    .

    This all the way.

    I would blame him for her death too!! But they both sound like *******s!
  • kat180kat180 Posts: 6,280Registered Users Curl Novice
    Who drives a car with their daughter in the back without a license?

    Who gets into a physical fight in a moving car? I agree - it doesn't matter who started the fight, if he hit her while she was driving he should be charged. She should be investigated because she was driving without a license with a child in the car. The real tragedy here is that a child died because two grown people couldn't act responsibly.

    Im not surprised she has banned him for the funeral. If the car crashed because he attacked her - of course she is going to blame him. I would to. It seems they could barely look at each other without fighting before this - I don't know why you think it might be possible for them to forgive each other and come together now.

    Its difficult enough to do this when the couple are close and loving. A child's death can have a devastating affect on a family - particularly on the parent's relationship. With circumstances like this...

    I am sorry for your family.
  • MaloryMalory Posts: 379Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    My BIL and SIL lost a daughter to crib death when she was only a few months old.

    Losing a child, whatever the circumstances, affects you so strongly that it affects your ability to think clearly and to react to things properly. You are temporarily mentally unbalanced.

    After the death, both my BIL and SIL said and did some very bad things that they both regret now.

    I wouldn't make any judgements about either parent, as neither of them are in their right minds at the moment.
  • multicultcurlymulticultcurly Posts: 5,136Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I feel bad for the surviving child. Considering that the parents were irresponsible before the other child's death, there is no telling what stupidity may lie ahead as they grieve their loss.
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm guessing there were no seatbelts involved here.
    I feel for kids that have stupid parents.
    The child cannot take care of themselves...it does really take a village.. gb the surviving sibling...
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  • Butterfly_CurlzButterfly_Curlz Posts: 955Registered Users
    I'm guessing there were no seatbelts involved here.
    I feel for kids that have stupid parents.
    The child cannot take care of themselves...it does really take a village.. gb the surviving sibling...

    Actually the only person who wasn't wearing a seatbelt was my cousin. Everyone else including the two children were belted in. They said the flipping of the car caused major head trauma and that is what killed her.
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  • Butterfly_CurlzButterfly_Curlz Posts: 955Registered Users
    kat180 wrote: »
    Who drives a car with their daughter in the back without a license?

    Who gets into a physical fight in a moving car? I agree - it doesn't matter who started the fight, if he hit her while she was driving he should be charged. She should be investigated because she was driving without a license with a child in the car.

    Im not surprised she has banned him for the funeral. If the car crashed because he attacked her - of course she is going to blame him. I would to. It seems they could barely look at each other without fighting before this - I don't know why you think it might be possible for them to forgive each other and come together now.

    Its difficult enough to do this when the couple are close and loving. A child's death can have a devastating affect on a family - particularly on the parent's relationship. With circumstances like this...

    I am sorry for your family.

    The bold statement above is my entire point. I completely agree that they are BOTH at fault. However I do not believe that one should accept any more responsibility or catch any more blame than the other because they both made stupid, irresponsible choices that caused their child's death.

    It is debateable about who hit first, second or whatever & rt. now that is really beside the point (other than like others stated for legal charges to be made). I have no expectation of them to be sitting down & singing & holding hands. I am well aware of the grieving process & the function of human nature. I have 3 post bachelors degrees & yrs of experience working in psychology as well as grieveing through personal experience.

    However I simply believe that there in lies the fault in most people. Yes it is human nature to respond in certain ways, particulary during such a tragic time however grieve & then handle the situation like an adult. Take your personal feelings out of the equation and do what's necessary for that surviving child. They may hate each other & that is all fine & well. However don't further punish the living child for the mistakes of the parents.

    That is all I'm simply stating. Besides a major part of being a parent is doing what is best for the child despite our personal feelings (again we all know from the original story that they are lacking in this area) & one would be under the impression that this would be a "wake up call" if ever there was one to say hey, we need to get our "ish" together before we suffer a worse loss. No one said it is easy but it is necessary.

    *On a side note the mother of the child & her family made a trip all the way down here fom NY to attempt to "put an end" to the memorial service we have planned next month. They were invited however they approached the church stating that they "didn't know who we were and why was this being done w/out their permission".

    They were well aware of the plans & if they really were genuinely interested & had questions they could have called my aunt or dad to ask for clarification. Its all so sad...needless to say they left the church upset because the memorial service is still happening.
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  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    What an awful thing to have happen. It's hard to say without knowing the whole story but if the mother was driving and your cousin assaulted her while driving, she could have lost control of the car just trying to fend off the assault.

    Anyway, the bigger tragedy is the child has died, not that the parents are estranged. Eventually, they may find peace with each other, but the child is still gone.
    +1
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  • MixedUpCurlyChickMixedUpCurlyChick Posts: 2,568Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm so sorry, Jaylens. This is a really sad story. Unfortunately, a lot of times when families experience a tragedy like this, it only gets worse b/c ppl need someone to blame. I don't know that either parent is more to blame- only the two of them and possibly the remaining child know what really happened that day. They were both irresponsible and wreckless for several reasons. Either way, it sounds terrible and scary. I hope the surviving child is getting some counseling and/or therapy to process this. And I hope your family finds peace.
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