Betrayal - what do you do? Updated (last page)

curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 12,231Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
If you feel profoundly betrayed by someone you loved (like an SO cheating or a friend sleeping with your husband) do you confront them? What if you feel it won't do any good? Do you cut off the relationship and just let time go by and hope you heal?

Is anger and confrontation helpful or does it just fan the flames? There's a saying that what you pay attention to grows. Do you just keep it inside and divert your attention to other things? How do you get over feeling deepy betrayed? Has it affected your ability to trust?

Not idle questions but the situation is too painful for me to describe. I'm not ready to open up. Wondering how others deal with extreme betrayal. I feel like I will never completely trust another human being again.
2/c Coarse hair med. density.
Highly porous. Color over grey.
I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
Every day is a gift :flower:
«1

Comments

  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    I'm so sorry curlypearl.

    If I was in a situation of betrayal, I would honestly, most likely, ignore them for a while, because I know I would be too hurt to actually be able to get out what I'm feeling, I usually tend to choke up when the moment is tense.

    I don't know if this would help, but it helps me, maybe write them a letter, you don't even have to label it to them. Write what you want to say, then reread it and maybe if you feel strong enough, you could just read it to them, or fix it first if you feel it's too hostile. You could even just throw it away. I know just writing it down and getting it out of my head makes me feel better. I can write for days when I feel hurt, sometimes it's just the same thing over and over, but it still helps.
    tumblr_mji9u1Fwza1rh1wv4o1_500.jpg
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 12,231Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Thanks, Turtles. This has been the greatest disappointment of my life.

    I've thought about writing a letter. I'm not sure I would mail it, or read it to him. I may see a shrink to ask if I should confront this man. I just don't seem to be getting over it, and it has poisoned my faith in people.

    It is so painful. It's like having believed deeply in God and finding out there is no God. I am shaken. My whole belief system is confused. I feel very alone and fearful of trusting even my closest friends. I feel like I was a fool for many years. Sometimes I have been deeply depressed and feel like my life is over or worth nothing.

    Thanks for your kindness in responding to me. I'm not bitter towards other people, just fearful and mistrustful, but I do believe on this website that people are being honest for the most part. The anonymity of the web helps in that way. I hope good things happen in your life because you are a very kind and sensitive person.

    ETA I'm definitely going to write a letter and re-read it over several days. Then I'll decide if I want to send it or see him and read it to him. Thanks again.
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • Butterfly_CurlzButterfly_Curlz Posts: 955Registered Users
    Curly please check your messages.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Hair Type: A head full of THICK, normal porosity curls/coils that I am TOTALLY in LUV with!
    (Transitioned for 16 & 1/2 months)


    Loving:love10:: MC LI Condish, Raw shea butter, Coconut & Grapeseed Oil, SM raw shea butter shampoo,HEHH Conditioner, Braggs ACV & Egg, Mayo & EVOO PT's



    event.png


    event.png
  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    Best of luck CP, I really hope everything goes well for you!
    You're too sweet of a person to deserve anything but the best! (I hope that's worded correctly)

    *cyber hugs*
    tumblr_mji9u1Fwza1rh1wv4o1_500.jpg
  • mayimmayim Posts: 2,301Registered Users
    i don't know you or your situation, and i know not everything works for everyone, so i don't presume this will be the solution for you - but here's how i dealt with my experience with profound, life-shattering betrayal:

    i embraced my rage, sense of loss, betrayal, hurt, anger, etc. and just instinctively gave in to it full force -

    i raged, wreaked havoc, sobbed, rended my clothes, and in every way i felt to - i expressed it, to anyone who would listen, to my betrayer, to god, to myself.

    that lasted for about a day.

    then it dawned on me that i was grieving for something that never was - that i was making room in my heart and mind for someone who simply did not love me (could not have, if he could have done what he did).

    and i just walked away and haven't looked back! no regrets, nothin.' i realized that it wasn't about me at all, so i had nothing to feel bad about. he was a jerk, he betrayed me, end of story. i realized that it meant nothing at all about me, and that was for some reason a very liberating thought. i just accepted the fact that what i had thought was, wasn't in the end.

    i think it was wild~hair that recommended the book 'journey from abandonment to healing' and i am finding it to be very helpful.

    i also like 'mastery of love' by don miguel ruiz. a little corny/self-helpey, but at the same time pretty profound.

    best wishes for healing (& strength and peace!) ~

    m
    coarse, thick 3a
    modified cg



    weight.png



  • Butterfly_CurlzButterfly_Curlz Posts: 955Registered Users
    mayim wrote: »
    i don't know you or your situation, and i know not everything works for everyone, so i don't presume this will be the solution for you - but here's how i dealt with my experience with profound, life-shattering betrayal:

    i embraced my rage, sense of loss, betrayal, hurt, anger, etc. and just instinctively gave in to it full force -

    i raged, wreaked havoc, sobbed, rended my clothes, and in every way i felt to - i expressed it, to anyone who would listen, to my betrayer, to god, to myself.

    that lasted for about a day.

    then it dawned on me that i was grieving for something that never was - that i was making room in my heart and mind for someone who simply did not love me (could not have, if he could have done what he did).

    and i just walked away and haven't looked back! no regrets, nothin.' i realized that it wasn't about me at all, so i had nothing to feel bad about. he was a jerk, he betrayed me, end of story. i realized that it meant nothing at all about me, and that was for some reason a very liberating thought. i just accepted the fact that what i had thought was, wasn't in the end.

    i think it was wild~hair that recommended the book 'journey from abandonment to healing' and i am finding it to be very helpful.

    i also like 'mastery of love' by don miguel ruiz. a little corny/self-helpey, but at the same time pretty profound.

    best wishes for healing (& strength and peace!) ~

    m

    I completely agree w/u and couldn't have said it better. I am dealing w/some very recent extreme life changing betrayal as well and I did the same. I cussed him out when ever the opportunity arised and I still will if I want to (and he accepted/accepts it bc he knew he had done an horrible thing).

    However it struck me to that I was getting upset about something that was never meant to be. If it was then it would have been and its thats simple. Relationships take work but they shouldn't be hard. If it is it wasn't meant for you. Especially when the other person doesn't cherish or respect you the way you deserve to be.

    I don't know how many people have seen the movie diary of a mad black woman but there is a scence in there that has always stayed w/me. Tyler Perry said "that people try to keep relationships together that God himself is trying to tear apart". That couldn't be further from the truth.

    Often times when we get to such extreme situations of betrayal in a relationship after many little things have already occurred. It is not the first time we noticed something in our relationship that made us wonder "hum"? Often times we were being wispered to all along but for whatever reason we chose to overlook it and continue.

    I personally am trying to look at my situation as a God send. I know there is a good man out there for me. One who will put as much energy and love into me as I do into him and that I am looking forward to. I am not saying that it will be easy but grieve and then move on & look forward to the future because when God takes something away its always because he has something better for you in store!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Hair Type: A head full of THICK, normal porosity curls/coils that I am TOTALLY in LUV with!
    (Transitioned for 16 & 1/2 months)


    Loving:love10:: MC LI Condish, Raw shea butter, Coconut & Grapeseed Oil, SM raw shea butter shampoo,HEHH Conditioner, Braggs ACV & Egg, Mayo & EVOO PT's



    event.png


    event.png
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Oh, cp.

    I don't have good advice, but I hope you're okay.

    Your Friend,
    Ninja
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    Tons of (((hugs))) cp!
    I have a great book rec...lemme find it & I'll post.
    I'm one of those folks that has to get some kind of closure...what little it might be, ya know?
    I also think it's important to talk things out w/ someone you trust...hubby & a coupla close friends usually do the trick for me to help me make sense of things, ya know?
    I'm sorry you're dealing w/ a man that doesn't want to man up......we are here for you!
    And, of course, PM me anytime!
    Also, I'd be happy to send you the book I have...just say the word...really....I want to.. (((more hugs)))

    Ok, I actually have 2 books...
    ~How Could You Do This To Me? Learning To Trust After Betrayal
    Dr. Jane Greer w/ Margery D. Rosen
    ~When Friendship Hurts. How To Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon Or Wound You
    Jan Yager, Ph.D.
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    Don't blame yourself. I know that's what I do. I think things like "I should have known" and "How did I not realize this?" and "I'm such an idiot". You're not. YOU didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. You're wonderful and worthwhile, and someone treating you poorly doesn't change that.

    I think you should try to open up to some close friends, if you haven't already done that. Let people show you that you can still trust them. And spend the rest of your time focusing on how awesome you are. Do your favorite things, eat your favorite foods, see your favorite people, watch your favorite TV show for 10 hours in a row on the couch...whatever it is, just do stuff to remind you that you're YOU and you're great and whoever betrayed you doesn't affect that you're YOU and you're great.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    (((HUGS))) I'm sorry you are going thru this. You've gone thru so much with your health and trying to find a job that you really don't need this in your life.

    Recently I started a thread that I just found out that back in the 80's my husband (now ex) slept with my best friend. I always knew he was a cheater, but never thought I would be betrayed by both of them.

    My reaction was to say what I needed to say and now I never want to see or hear from either ever again. I've been divorced for 20 years and I've realized that I have dated men who I knew I would never settle down with. I guess I've been gun shy. Now that I know about this betrayal, I don't trust people either.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • SpaghettiHeadSpaghettiHead Posts: 1,510Registered Users
    CP....first of all...I'm so sorry you're going through something so horrible....
    I've been there myself....after 15 years of marriage, I found out that my husband had been cheating with a friend of mine. Not a super close friend, but a friend nonetheless. I sort of took the same approach as Mayim. I was hurt...I was so angry...I was incredibly scared. I confronted both of them....I wrote him a letter, I gave her a call. I yelled, I cried, I threw things...I let every single emotion I was having out. And I normally am not like that. I talked to everyone I could about it. I started to reflect on our entire marriage and realized there were so many things that I let slide because I loved him...and so many signs that I probably overlooked. And then I was done with it. I of course cut her out of my life completely....I had a family wit him, so that wasn't an option there, but I decided that if he didn't respect me enough not to do those things to me then he didn't love me the way I wanted to be loved, I didn't want him. And I walked away. I haven't looked back since. It's been about 4 years. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. Especially when he continuously begged me to come back. It was hard on the kids too. (I think that was the hardest part on me, was how it affected them) But in the end, it's been the best thing I ever did. I stuck it out, and I'm happier now than I ever have been. The kids are happier too.
    The bottom line is that no one wants to go through something like this. It's NEVER easy, and yes it hurts. You have to deal with it the way that makes you feel best. For me it was deciding that I wasn't going to wallow in being a victim, I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself and wonder what I did wrong. For me it was getting angry and realizing it was a flaw in him, not me, and I didn't need it anymore. As far as trust...it didn't really affect me that way. I try my best to realize that not everyone is bad or does hurtful things just because one did. There ARE good people. Try not to let this poison your relationships with others. I know it's a challenge, but you have to do it.
    Huge hugs to you.....I hope you find your way.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • redhedgrlTredhedgrlT Posts: 178Registered Users
    Tons of great advice already. I wholeheartedly agree with the let it all out option. If you don't it will just make you sick, bitter, angry and resentful. You will feel all of these things initially anyway but at least they will not fester and you WILL be able to move on.

    I feel for you we have all been there at some point in our lives. I know I am a stranger but I will send hugs anyway. Good luck and do not be afraid to fall apart at first just make sure you start to rebuild.

    (((curlypear)))
    Texture: Medium
    Porosity: Normal
    Elasticity: Normal

    I guess i am just average go figure.
  • nynaeve77nynaeve77 Posts: 7,135Registered Users Curl Novice
    (((cp))) I'm so sorry you're having to go through such a horrible thing. :( You don't deserve it.
    "Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest."--Linus, A Charlie Brown Christmas


    My fotki: http://public.fotki.com/nynaeve77/
    Password: orphanannie
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Me, I just beat my guy up and almost got arrested. That's how I dealt with it.

    You might want to try a different approach however.
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

    "Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    No laughing emoticon available, for some reason, but if there were, I'd post it here, re: P. ^
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    :laughing1: :lol: :laughing8:
    note to self, don't f w/ the phoenix
    
  • BoomygrrlBoomygrrl Posts: 4,940Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Sorry you're going through this, curlypearl.
    I agree with SpaghettiHead's advice.

    Phoenix, we're good, right? (note to self: don't piss off Phoenix)
    That's right, I said it! I wear scrunchies!!

    I am a sulfate washing, cone slabbing, curly lovin' s.o.b. The CG police haven't caught me yet.
    :blob8:

    3a/3b
  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Posts: 2,551Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I don't know what I would do so I can't advise you, but you seem to be really sweet and I can't believe someone could be so rotten as to turn on you like that. The only thing that really helps I think is time, and if you can a good therapist for just a few sessions to get it out.
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Boomygrrl wrote: »
    Sorry you're going through this, curlypearl.
    I agree with SpaghettiHead's advice.

    Phoenix, we're good, right? (note to self: don't piss off Phoenix)
    LOL...we're totally cool! :laughing3:
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

    "Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Phoenix wrote: »
    Boomygrrl wrote: »
    Sorry you're going through this, curlypearl.
    I agree with SpaghettiHead's advice.

    Phoenix, we're good, right? (note to self: don't piss off Phoenix)
    LOL...we're totally cool! :laughing3:

    Phoenix took a lot of flak on the board for what happened, but it was one of the best stories ever set down here, at least in my time.

    I, at least, found a lot of perverse satisfaction in her method. Finally! A guy gets what's coming to him!

    They never see it coming, either.
  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm sorry for your troubles, curlypearl. You're such a nice person on these boards, it sucks that something bad would happen to you.
    turtles wrote: »
    I don't know if this would help, but it helps me, maybe write them a letter, you don't even have to label it to them. Write what you want to say, then reread it and maybe if you feel strong enough, you could just read it to them, or fix it first if you feel it's too hostile. You could even just throw it away. I know just writing it down and getting it out of my head makes me feel better. I can write for days when I feel hurt, sometimes it's just the same thing over and over, but it still helps.

    This is good advice for any troubling situation. Writing is extremely therapeutic for some reason, I've used it many times. I also have a friend who does therapeutic writing workshops locally.
    curlypearl wrote: »
    ETA I'm definitely going to write a letter and re-read it over several days. Then I'll decide if I want to send it or see him and read it to him. Thanks again.

    Good! Yes, and you can send it or not, it will still help you. That's the beauty part.
    mayim wrote: »
    i think it was wild~hair that recommended the book 'journey from abandonment to healing' and i am finding it to be very helpful.

    Oh, I'm so glad you found it helpful! Such a coincidence to see it mentioned here now. I was just thinking about it yesterday and recommending some of the exercises to someone, after not having thought about it in quite a while. And thinking I should pick up some of the exercises again, they're so powerful. :)
  • EilonwyEilonwy Posts: 12,391Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I don't have advice, but I'm so sorry that happened.
  • OBBOBB Posts: 4,174Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    my ex cheated on me in our 5 year relationship. we were going to get married. i tried forgiving which was difficult but i finally did. i tried forgetting but i couldnt. it was about 5 years after our breakup before i could date again. i lost so much time i cant get back. i wish i had the courage to walk away from her when it happened. you really dont know if the decision you make is the right one until years later. good luck GP
  • TRBLTRBL Posts: 5,294Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    {{{curlypearl}}}
    When I grow up, I wanna be a Jiujitsu Turtle!

    My british name, courtesy of Ninja Dog Shade Haven-Staffordshire: TRBL Hough Jewelstone Turtleneck

    Its chaos a few hairs at a time. ~Minxy

    "Dispute not with her: she is lunatic." -Richard III
  • eche428eche428 Posts: 2,782Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    (((((HUGS))))) to you CP. You're one of my favorite people here and I hate to see you sad. I hope you can find solace soon and learn to trust again.
    < member since 2006 (no idea where 1969 came from :toothy10:).

    [FONT=&quot]Med/high porosity; color treated; med [FONT=&quot]d[/FONT]ensity 2c/3a.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Summer: (high dew point) co-wash [FONT=&quot]& leave-in [/FONT]Matrix Biolage Cleansing Conditioner for Curly Hair[FONT=&quot]. [/FONT]Ouidad Climate Control Heat & Humidity Gel.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Spring and Fall: (perfect dew point) co-wash & leave-in Curl Junkie Repair Me! or [FONT=&quot]CJ [/FONT]BeautiCurls Strengthening Hair Conditioner; f[FONT=&quot]ollo[/FONT]wed by [FONT=&quot]CJ Pattern Pusha & [/FONT]Curl Queen.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] W[/FONT]inter: (low dew point) add in [FONT=&quot]CJ [/FONT]Coffee-Coco Curl Creme Lite[FONT=&quot].[/FONT][/FONT]
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 12,231Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    (((Hugs))) to everyone for your support and for sharing your stories. I really appreciated your honesty and frankness. I was so upset writing about it that I stayed away from nc.com for several days because I just couldn't face dealing with it - even just to read the responses.

    I have found out that he did something awful to someone else as well.

    I actually found out about the betrayal two years ago and it has taken me this long to accept that I had no choice but to break off the relationship. In spite of the signs, I didn't want to give him up. I think I have finally learned that I can live without him.

    Here's to better days ahead! :occasion5: Thanks again - truly!
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Glad you checked in. I was wondering how you were.
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 12,231Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Something happened to restore my faith in people. It's like night turning into day. I'm feeling a great deal better. Just wanted to update. :sunny:
    2/c Coarse hair med. density.
    Highly porous. Color over grey.
    I love all the Curl Junkie products. Still experimenting with gels and curl creams. Still hoping for 2nd day hair....
    Every day is a gift :flower:
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I'm glad you are feeling better. It's time to move on. You are a wonderful person and shouldn't waste anytime on a loser.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • maria_imaria_i Posts: 1,765Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    (((HUGS)))
    3a/b.
    Mexico City.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

Leave a Comment

BoldItalicStrikethroughOrdered listUnordered list
Emoji
Image
Align leftAlign centerAlign rightToggle HTML viewToggle full pageToggle lights
Drop image/file