CurlTalk

how do you respond when your child hurts your feelings?

sherry7899sherry7899 Posts: 897Registered Users
My son is eleven, and is at that age where of course he'd rather be with friends than his parents. I told him last night we were going out this weekend for an early dinner for my birthday. His response was that he had wanted to be with his friends instead.

I was so hurt, and lost my temper with him (I did not yell, though). I did later explain calmly why I was hurt.

He did later apologize, but it is still bugging me. I think I felt especially bad since just this past weekend he had a friend stay over all weekend. We took them to the mall, out for dinner and ice skating. On Sunday morning I cooked them pancakes and made them fruit smoothies for breakfast. He spends a lot of time with friends after school and on the weekends, and I think going out with us to celebrate his mother's birthday is not too much to ask!

How do you handle it when your child says something hurtful to you?

I apologize for rambling. I am finding this pre-teen age to be very difficult, and I'm sure the teenage years will be worse. He really is a very sweet, loving and thoughtful person, but I feel like I'm seeing those traits less often lately!

Sherry

Comments

  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    I have one of those at home too. I tell him I'm very disappointed and that he's hurt my feelings. I try not to sulk but it's very hard. My son always apologizes, but it it doesn't take away the hurt feelings.
  • sherry7899sherry7899 Posts: 897Registered Users
    Thanks, Medussa. I am sorry you are going through the same thing. My husband until recently always worked nights/ weekends, so my son and I spent a lot of time alone together and were really close. I'm finding this age really difficult.

    Sherry
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    I think you and your boy are going through some normal growing pains. Hang in there.
  • PoodleheadPoodlehead Posts: 6,959Registered Users
    It doesn't sound like he was intentionally trying to hurt your feelings, he is just not at a stage in life where he realizes his wants are not the only important thing. I know it hurts, but let it go, he sounds like a great kid.

    ETA: I know you want this to be a learning experience, and it is a wonderful teachable moment, but make sure what he doesn't take away from this is that his mom can't let anything go. I am always SO guilty of this!
    Minneapolis, MN
  • sherry7899sherry7899 Posts: 897Registered Users
    Thank you both. I appreciate it. I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful at all. He just isn't like that-this is a child who used to pick up catepillars off the sidewalk and move them so no one would walk on them and kill them.

    I think I'm really struggling also because my parents were REALLY strict, and if they said you had to do something, we just did not question it or voice any type of opinion. We knew if we did that meant big trouble for us. I'm not really aware of what is "normal" at this stage.

    Poodlehead-thanks! I made a big effort today to not mention it at all. My mom would hang onto things and guilt me like crazy-I don't want to do that to our son.


    Sherry
  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Poodlehead wrote: »
    It doesn't sound like he was intentionally trying to hurt your feelings, he is just not at a stage in life where he realizes his wants are not the only important thing. I know it hurts, but let it go, he sounds like a great kid.

    I was going to say this. I think there's a difference between, say, them saying something like, "I hate you, Mom!" and "I'd really rather be with my friends." When my daughter was that age, if it was the latter I'd say, "Well, there's time to hang out with friends but tonight is a night that we're doing something for me because it's my birthday and I demand you be there." I'd say it jokingly, but she'd get the point.

    My sister and I used to have a saying when my daughter was that age that was a play on the "blood is thicker than water" expression: Friends are thicker than family.
    TWINKLES.gifTWINKLES.gifTWINKLES.gif

    Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



  • sherry7899sherry7899 Posts: 897Registered Users
    Thanks, Springcurl. That is a great point. He has never said "I hate you" or anything cruel. He just seems to speak without thinking sometimes, but we're all guilty of that :)

    Sherry
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    What does hubby say about this?
    He needs to support you...imho
    Yeah, I agree w/ what's been said.
    I'll be there soon, as well...hang in there!
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    I'm on my fourth 11 year old...

    I guess I'm just old and broken-in now, because I really don't care if they want to blow off my birthday to see their friends. I'll just have my birthday another night, or we'll have it without him. No biggie. If we can't fit it in the family schedule for 2 weeks, so be it. Kids struggle with their social life, and I don't want to add to their stress. As long as my kids are generally courteous and considerate to me and others, and meeting their school obligations, I'm happy. Backtalk and nasty words will get them punished, but just asking to see their friends rather than go out to dinner with me?!?!?!? That's not even a blip on my radar.

    I suggest you lighten up and choose your battles, or you're going to find the teen years excruciating. Teens are meant to grow UP and AWAY from us. They have to do that. It's a normal part of life.
  • misspammisspam Posts: 5,318Registered Users
    I'm with RCW on this one.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    misspam wrote: »
    I'm with RCW on this one.

    Me, too. It sounds like he's growing up and he needs a bit of independence.
    "And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
    Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
    Stolen.
  • sherry7899sherry7899 Posts: 897Registered Users
    Thanks-I appreciate the input-RCW, I can't imagine going through this four times. I totally respect your opinions and experience. I'm not going to battle him over it.

    To be honest, I didn't discuss it with my husband. He is extremely stressed with his job right now and it's not worth discussing it with him. I'd rather just move on.

    Take care,
    Sherry
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    I remember the thread you started awhile back about your son speaking to you in a different manner when his friends were around. There does come a time when kids become all about their friends. I think the key is to remember that this is developmentally appropriate and that your relationship with your son will change, as he grows.

    Do you have things that fullfill you and keep you busy? Close girlfriends? An attentive husband?
  • sherry7899sherry7899 Posts: 897Registered Users
    I'm currently job hunting, (finished school and professional exams recently) so I"m pretty isolated right now. Hopefully that will change soon.

    Thanks for asking-you're very sweet!

    Take care,
    Sherry
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    I don't know...It doesn't seem that big a deal. Let him bring one of his friends with him to dinner.
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

    "Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    To be honest, I didn't discuss it with my husband. He is extremely stressed with his job right now and it's not worth discussing it with him. I'd rather just move on.
    Why should you take on everything? Your son is his child, as well....jmo
    An attentive husband?
    I'm guessing no...
    I don't understand why women take on so much?! We should not have to do this. What if you were stressed? Just sayin'. I'm sorry...tho this stuff rubs me the wrong way. I see the mom doing it all w/o any support....
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • sherry7899sherry7899 Posts: 897Registered Users
    My husband is attentive to me and our son also. I was in a rush and didn't reply to that question.

    Sherry
  • Cali ChikCali Chik Posts: 1,494Registered Users
    I think it's so wrong to make your child feel bad for that. He didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't had to have apologized. He SHOULD want to spend time with this friends rather than you. You can explain why your b'day is important and why you would like him there without making him feel like sh*t for his natural response. Poor kid.
    subbrock wrote: »
    - don't let everybody elses long straight weave bum you out. don't let other people's big/long natural hair bum you out either. embrace what you have and rock it with confidence, because that's the only way you'll be happy. and whether you realize it or not you are somebody's influence. show them what it truly means to be confident.

    www.lifestarbeauty.com
    Hate me? Love me? then Follow me! www.twitter.com/vidastarr


  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    My mom use to say, "When they are little, they will step on your toes. When they are bigger, they will step on your heart".

    Teens want to spend time with friends over you. Go have a nice dinner with hubby. How often can you guys have alone time? Your relationship is the most important. Kids will grow up and leave and you both will be left on your own together. You need to keep your relationship good and alive.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    My mom use to say, "When they are little, they will step on your toes. When they are bigger, they will step on your heart".

    Teens want to spend time with friends over you. Go have a nice dinner with hubby. How often can you guys have alone time? Your relationship is the most important. Kids will grow up and leave and you both will be left on your own together. You need to keep your relationship good and alive.

    To the bolded, omg. I think I shall go crawl under a rock somewhere and cry. Oy! :tongue10:

    I totally agree with the second part of your post. You just reminded me of something my mom had hanging on the wall of the apartment I grew up in. It was kind of ironic because my mom had so much difficulty letting go. Perhaps this illustrated my mother's struggle:

    Your children are not your children,
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but are not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
    You are the bows from which your children
    as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
    He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far
    Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    So he loves also the bow that is stable.


    An excerpt from Kahlil Gibran's, "The Prophet."
  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,937Registered Users
    I disagree with the past few posters...or most of you guys, I guess. Friends are great, I can well remember wanting to be with my friends more than my family. It is totally normal at that age. However, children are not the center of the world They need to learn that other people's feelings count. If someone in your family asks you to a birthday dinner, you go. It means something to the other person so even if it is not the thing you want to do most in the world, you go. You act nice for a few hours, you get on with your life.

    Also, family is more important than friends. Eleven is way too young to let friends be the biggest influence. A family dinner is more important than random friend stuff, especially if you run your butt off getting them around to friend stuff all the time.

    I don't think he should be in trouble or be made to feel guilty but I think it's a good lesson - sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do because it is important to your parents. Your parents do a lot for you, you can sit through one birthday dinner and be nice. Not a big deal. It's not like you're asking him to miss prom or you're mad because he didn't PLAN a birthday dinner for you, you just want him to attend one meal with family.

    I am pretty sure at 11, he thinks his birthdays and wants are pretty meaningful and should be meaningful to you, kids need to learn to think of others. It doesn't come naturally for a while so we have to walk them through the steps.
  • sherry7899sherry7899 Posts: 897Registered Users
    Thanks, CGNYC! I really appreciate your post.

    My son was not at all in trouble for what he said, and I did not
    try to make him feel guilty or punish him. I stated my feelings to him in a calm way.

    Take care,
    Sherry
  • SpunkyCurlsSpunkyCurls Posts: 1,523Registered Users
    I totally agree with CG. That's how it was in my family growing up. I could not state it any better.

    That being said we are a really tight-knit family. All 3 of us adult kids talk with our parents a few times a week because we want to. They managed to instill in us the importance of family and not create a rift. It's totally possible to do this without being nasty.
    <insert signature line here>