CurlTalk

Catty Remarks, Cloaked in Sugar

KindredsTwin1983KindredsTwin1983 Posts: 347Registered Users
Hey guys,

Just curious how the folks here handle backhanded compliments?

About a month ago, I had a remark made to me by a former coworker. We were discussing a mutual friend of ours that left to get married to some lawyer.

She said, 'Yea when you're stunningly beautiful there's gonna be some guy that wants to scoop you up and take care of you. I mean you're cute, but lets be honest you're NOT stunningly beautiful.' Then we moved on to talk about other topics.

Ouch.....that stung and dug into me like none other, and unfortunately still stings to this day. I wish I had have said something to call her out and even still try to think of ways to make a dig at her to make her feel bad.

I guess in short, that comment wasn't necessary. I'm not sure why she felt she needed to point that out. She said it in a very casual way, like talking about the weather. I wanted to tell her later that I was really hurt by that comment, but it's too late now.

Anyways, I need some advice on how to arm myself for these types of comments. You know, the backhanded, innocent little comments that really really bite. The ones that make you question yourself, and feel really bad.

I don't want to stoop down to anyone's level, just handle it in a way that the other person will think twice about what they are saying.
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Comments

  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    I usually call people out on backhanded compliments, though in a somewhat humorous way.
    What you posted is not a backhanded compliment though. It's a straight-up dig. I wouldn't even know what to say to that. Your friend isn't obligated to find you beautiful, but there is zero need to tell you something like that!
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  • missbanjomissbanjo Posts: 3,088Registered Users
    Yikes, insensitive! I'm not quick on come-backs so I wouldn't have continued the conversation. I'd have stopped talking right then & there and quite possibly walked away. Or if it really irritated me I'd just give them a stare <You are an insensitive moron> and then walked away. I'd have thought of a million things to say later no doubt.
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    I would have said, what about you? :laughing6:
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  • waviewavie Posts: 237Registered Users
    I've been in situations like this before. And I always think of the perfect comeback when I'm lying in bed that night, thinking about the situation. :sad7:

    I think the best thing you could do is give em a mean old stare, like missbanjo said.
    Just stare into their eyes and don't break eye contact...
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  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    Saria wrote: »
    I usually call people out on backhanded compliments, though in a somewhat humorous way.

    This. Point out how rude they were by making a joke about it. Usually this will cause people to back peddle, and you'll know they got the message.
    "And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
    Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
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  • ScarletScarlet Posts: 3,125Registered Users
    I wouldn't call what she said to you a backhanded compliment. It was just an insult. And it was mean.

    Sometimes the best way to handle it is to just distance yourself from the person.
    The first lesson of economics is scarcity: There is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics - Thomas Sowell
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    I give it back, if I'm thinking quickly enough:

    "Yes --- I suppose we're both in that boat."

    or

    "I'm glad I'm cute. I mean, some people don't even have that much," and then look right at her.

    If it's someone you're close to, however, I would bring it up later, no matter how much time has passed. Saying, "You know, that was pretty mean," can really lift a weight off one's shoulders, especially if you been carrying it a long time (as I would be, too).

    I'm sorry that happened. I don't know why some of us women do things like that. It gives us all a bad rap, and it's.......creepy.
  • NalliaNallia Posts: 2,979Registered Users
    Where is the sugar in the comment? Or the compliment? I don't see either.
    ninja dog wrote: »
    I give it back, if I'm thinking quickly enough:

    "Yes --- I suppose we're both in that boat."

    or

    "I'm glad I'm cute. I mean, some people don't even have that much," and then look right at her.

    If it's someone you're close to, however, I would bring it up later, no matter how much time has passed. Saying, "You know, that was pretty mean," can really lift a weight off one's shoulders, especially if you been carrying it a long time (as I would be, too).

    I'm sorry that happened. I don't know why some of us women do things like that. It gives us all a bad rap, and it's.......creepy.
    +1
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  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 11,970Registered Users Curl Novice
    Scarlet wrote: »
    I wouldn't call what she said to you a backhanded compliment. It was just an insult. And it was mean.

    Sometimes the best way to handle it is to just distance yourself from the person.

    +1 I hope she gets a swift hard case of monilia. B*tch.
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  • anonymous_59737anonymous_59737 Posts: 485Registered Users
    I would have said, what about you? :laughing6:

    Exactly!

    My first response when I read about the colleague's comment was: "Well, it seems neither of us are burdened with that problem".
    Hootie-hoo! - Chef Carla
  • anonymous_59737anonymous_59737 Posts: 485Registered Users
    Saria wrote: »
    I usually call people out on backhanded compliments, though in a somewhat humorous way.
    What you posted is not a backhanded compliment though. It's a straight-up dig. I wouldn't even know what to say to that. Your friend isn't obligated to find you beautiful, but there is zero need to tell you something like that!

    Yep.
    Hootie-hoo! - Chef Carla
  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    what ninj said, I don't know why females do that sometimes...

    but if it was me and I would of caught it (i usually don't catch insults until hours later which is very annoying because then it bothers me to death), I would of just straight up called her out. It might sound like I'm joking because when I am joking I talk in a very serious tone, I would of said something like : " YOU CALLIN' ME UGLY!?" and she would of been like "no I said you were cute.." and I would of interrupted her telling her that she's basically calling me ugly and then I would of ended it with a "Don't talk to me, Don't associate yourself with someone who's NOT stunningly beautiful" and then walk at a high speed away so she can't apologize.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Extremely interesting, as I was going to post a similar thread but changed my mind.

    That was pretty out of the blue for your coworker to say. Is that how it happened, so abruptly?

    Sometimes IRL I can dish out a witty reply. But in actuality I usually just ignore things like that. It's a combination of half hearing what people say (my attention span leaves much to be desired, as does my hearing) and being too shocked to function properly when the insult occurs. By the time my brain catches up, it's often too late to say something then.

    It happened to me the other day, in fact. A lady at the gym commented on my workout gear (so I was wearing orange, blue and purple...so what?). She mumbled and had an accent. So I didn't really hear her and chose to assume she'd complimented me or said something unremarkable. THEN womany woman said, "You're not going out in that, are you?!" At that point her intent became clearer...hee.

    Edit: turtles, I love ya! You crack me up...
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  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    "Womany woman"! ^

    Hee!
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    wavie wrote: »
    I've been in situations like this before. And I always think of the perfect comeback when I'm lying in bed that night, thinking about the situation. :sad7:

    I think the best thing you could do is give em a mean old stare, like missbanjo said.
    Just stare into their eyes and don't break eye contact...
    Like this? I love this gif:

    27ybswk.gif
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

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  • nynaeve77nynaeve77 Posts: 7,135Registered Users
    Wow, that was rude! My jaw would've hit the floor if someone said that to me (even if it's true in my case that I'm more cute than beautiful, it doesn't need to be said!). I probably would've made a joke because that's my defense mechanism. I don't know why some people feel perfectly free insulting other people's looks. What do people gain by being mean like that? Is it really THAT big a boost to their sad egos?
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  • anonymous_59737anonymous_59737 Posts: 485Registered Users
    nynaeve77 wrote: »
    Wow, that was rude! My jaw would've hit the floor if someone said that to me (even if it's true in my case that I'm more cute than beautiful, it doesn't need to be said!). I probably would've made a joke because that's my defense mechanism. I don't know why some people feel perfectly free insulting other people's looks. What do people gain by being mean like that? Is it really THAT big a boost to their sad egos?

    Guess when their egos are so lacking, every little bit helps! (Am feeling like a Tesco advert right now...)
    Hootie-hoo! - Chef Carla
  • vain???janevain???jane Posts: 197Registered Users
    Hey guys,

    Just curious how the folks here handle backhanded compliments?

    About a month ago, I had a remark made to me by a former coworker. We were discussing a mutual friend of ours that left to get married to some lawyer.

    She said, 'Yea when you're stunningly beautiful there's gonna be some guy that wants to scoop you up and take care of you. I mean you're cute, but lets be honest you're NOT stunningly beautiful.' Then we moved on to talk about other topics.

    Ouch.....that stung and dug into me like none other, and unfortunately still stings to this day. I wish I had have said something to call her out and even still try to think of ways to make a dig at her to make her feel bad.

    I guess in short, that comment wasn't necessary. I'm not sure why she felt she needed to point that out. She said it in a very casual way, like talking about the weather. I wanted to tell her later that I was really hurt by that comment, but it's too late now.

    Anyways, I need some advice on how to arm myself for these types of comments. You know, the backhanded, innocent little comments that really really bite. The ones that make you question yourself, and feel really bad.

    I don't want to stoop down to anyone's level, just handle it in a way that the other person will think twice about what they are saying.

    the only response fitting is this question- "What is your agenda saying that to me?" put these fools on the spot, they won't say why they said it, they will start to backtrack to save face because they know they look bad when you call em out. ♥
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  • vain???janevain???jane Posts: 197Registered Users
    or you could've said "do you feel better about yourself now that you made that comment about me?". when you put her insecurities all on blast she will be shamed and try to backtrack. ♥
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  • afrosheenqueenafrosheenqueen Posts: 5,400Registered Users
    ^^^ I like those responses, VJ!
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  • KindredGhost1983KindredGhost1983 Posts: 1,187Registered Users
    Ahhh, the funniest thing about catty remarks cloaked in sugar is that no matter what, they are ALWAYS based in a person's insecurity and jealousy. They can package it up as something different, but its just that.

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  • missgeemissgee Posts: 26Registered Users
    I agree with Vane???Jane. I also would have added in how her statement was uncalled for, and ended the conversation by walking away.
  • slinky1slinky1 Banned Posts: 1,612Banned Users
    When people do something like that, it is almost always about them, and not about you...which I'm sure is the case here.

    Unfortunately, there are many ignorant people who would intensely admire the straight-shooting, honest qualities of this person. Many believe that it is important to say what other people can't...How dumb...Those people don't know it's simple as hell to have no self-control.

    Sometimes, it actually is about you (not you you...but general you) being a total jerk, or coming off as arrogant and unaware. This is something we all need to check on.
    ;)
  • xyzioloxyziolo Posts: 232Registered Users
    Phoenix wrote: »
    wavie wrote: »
    I've been in situations like this before. And I always think of the perfect comeback when I'm lying in bed that night, thinking about the situation. :sad7:

    I think the best thing you could do is give em a mean old stare, like missbanjo said.
    Just stare into their eyes and don't break eye contact...
    Like this? I love this gif:

    27ybswk.gif

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  • xyzioloxyziolo Posts: 232Registered Users
    or you could've said "do you feel better about yourself now that you made that comment about me?". when you put her insecurities all on blast she will be shamed and try to backtrack. ♥
    :thumbleft:
  • roseannadanaroseannadana Posts: 5,632Registered Users
    Oh no she didn't! Her "let's be honest" comment could have been turned around as "You mean, let's be rude?"

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  • automaticflowersautomaticflowers Posts: 3,465Registered Users
    WTF is wrong with her, saying something like that?

    The most I can ever manage when people pull that crap is a sarcastic, "Gee, thanks!" because the only other thing that I'm thinking in the heat of the moment is "A-hole!" and you can't just run around calling people a-holes. It still gets them to backpedal a bit, though, and I like to watch jerks squirm. ;)

    It sucks to have that kind of negative comment simmering in your mind whenever you run across that person, so if it'll help you feel better you could still call her on it.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I've had this happen before and I just look at them and laugh and then walk away laughing. No rude comments back, but they get the message that I'm not affected by their comments.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • forbeeforbee Posts: 441Registered Users
    slinky1 wrote: »
    When people do something like that, it is almost always about them, and not about you...which I'm sure is the case here.

    Unfortunately, there are many ignorant people who would intensely admire the straight-shooting, honest qualities of this person. Many believe that it is important to say what other people can't...How dumb...Those people don't know it's simple as hell to have no self-control.


    Sometimes, it actually is about you (not you you...but general you) being a total jerk, or coming off as arrogant and unaware. This is something we all need to check on.

    Yeah, I hate how people are always saying rude things with the disclaimer "just being real." It seems to me like most of the time, they're just being rude.

    I don't understand why people make these remarks. I do know that on days I am feeling particularly bad about myself, I am more prone to noticing bad things about other people, whether those things are real or not. But I wouldn't "be honest" and say it to them. Ever.
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  • wavyblondewavyblonde Posts: 1,637Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Yep, I'd have said something like Vain???Jane suggested. The first thing that came to mind for me would be, "Wait, why would you even say something like that? We're not even talking about me...?" Or I'd make a joke like, "Wow, if that's the kind of stuff you say when someone HASN'T asked for your opinion, I'd hate to hear what you really think."

    Women who say nasty things like that are usually counting on the fact that you'll be so stunned that you will just take the hit. Always, always call them on it. They didn't say it on accident.
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