Made a tentative decision I'm pretty sad about...

RheannaRheanna Posts: 2,614Registered Users
I think I've decided Ava will be my only child. Obviously I wouldn't be having another anytime soon with my relationship situation. I want to be married before having another. While she was wanted, she wasn't planned, and I don't want to do that again...

But I think I've decided I'm done period. I always thought I would have at least 2 kids. But she's so difficult, and she sleeps so little, that I just don't know if I could ever go through this again. I was pretty sick while I was pregnant and then just miserable and in pain and unable to sleep, and I don't know that I could go through THAT again (I know - all pregnancies are different, but still...) with a child to take care of.

And then going through this no sleep thing now for over a year.

And everything with her is like a constant battle. She bites and hits and throws tantrums and I feel like my patience and energy are going to give out by the end of the day and then we start the sleep battles...

I wouldn't change her, honestly, because all her intensity and stubbornness come with sooo much sweetness and intelligence as well. But it's SO DRAINING. If I knew a second baby would be guaranteed mellow, content, laid back, and reflux free (oh, and a good sleeper!) I would totally go for it.

I also know this time period later will seem like a very short period in her life, and it will be. But that doesn't change the fact that I haven't slept well in over a year and I'm exhausted.

Anyone else been there?

I'm hoping I will change my mind one day. Because I love being a mother (most of the time!) and I hate to think I'll never have another baby... I just don't know. I guess I'm venting.
DPTFm5.png

Comments

  • nynaeve77nynaeve77 Posts: 7,135Registered Users Curl Novice
    (((Rheanna))) I think it's okay to only want one kid, just like it's okay to want 4 or 5 or none. Only you can decide what works for your family. It's not a wrong or right answer, except in what works for you guys.

    I have my two, and sometimes I think I want a third, then think I must be crazy to want to go through another pregnancy, sleepless nights, potty training, etc. I'm 95% sure I'm done, but even with one under a year old, I sometimes get a little baby fever. It comes and goes. I think that's pretty normal
    "Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest."--Linus, A Charlie Brown Christmas


    My fotki: http://public.fotki.com/nynaeve77/
    Password: orphanannie
  • DarkAngelDarkAngel Posts: 2,671Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think what you are feeling is normal even for people who do decide to have more children later. It's okay to have just one and to know it now. You're still fairly relatively young so you may change your mind. Or maybe you won't. Either was is just fine as long as it is what is right for you and your family.

    I could not understand why people had more than one child until my oldest was over two. The first two years are hard. I changed my mind because suddenly he got a lot easier at two. Being full on verbal helped a lot. Then I had my baby and was certain that two was it. Bash was a challenging infant which helped me come to that decision. Now, I am pregnant with #3 and am okay with having three.
    image.php?type=2&o=5&c=1&date=2009-10-07&babyname=Sebastian

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Theodor Seuss Geisel
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Give yourself some time, and some sleep, before you make any permanent decisions. I think it's fine when people don't want to have children or only want one, and I support them in their decisions, but it doesn't sound (to me) like you are truly there. Sleep, economics, and a solid relationship could make all the difference in your future childbearing decisions.

    In the meantime, get some REALLY reliable birth control.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    DarkAngel wrote: »
    I think what you are feeling is normal even for people who do decide to have more children later. It's okay to have just one and to know it now. You're still fairly relatively young so you may change your mind. Or maybe you won't. Either was is just fine as long as it is what is right for you and your family.

    I could not understand why people had more than one child until my oldest was over two. The first two years are hard. I changed my mind because suddenly he got a lot easier at two. Being full on verbal helped a lot. Then I had my baby and was certain that two was it. Bash was a challenging infant which helped me come to that decision. Now, I am pregnant with #3 and am okay with having three.
    Wait, when did this happen?!
    Did I miss something?:lol:
    Congrats!
    It's all clear now....sneaky you
    
    :clown:
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • RheannaRheanna Posts: 2,614Registered Users
    Give yourself some time, and some sleep, before you make any permanent decisions. I think it's fine when people don't want to have children or only want one, and I support them in their decisions, but it doesn't sound (to me) like you are truly there. Sleep, economics, and a solid relationship could make all the difference in your future childbearing decisions.

    In the meantime, get some REALLY reliable birth control.

    Thanks everyone for understanding and the support and advice. I think the bolded could possibly be very true. I'm probably NOT really there as far as being done because it does make me so sad, but I just can't see me going through this again. As DarkAngel mentioned, Ava's just really challenging and always has been. It may get easier for us too. With everything that gives her more independence, things get a bit easier it seems (and harder in other ways, but easier in terms of frustration from her) so maybe it will get easier later. I keep thinking, ok, she's only 1 now, how hard will it be when she's 2 or 3? But maybe for her it will be easier. She gets so very frustrated and maybe more communication and mobility will help. We shall see. It isn't like I'm going and getting my tubes tied or anything now, but I felt pretty sure of my decision the other night.

    PS: CONGRATULATIONS DARK ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :toothy7:
    DPTFm5.png
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    Rheanna wrote: »
    I think I've decided Ava will be my only child. Obviously I wouldn't be having another anytime soon with my relationship situation. I want to be married before having another. While she was wanted, she wasn't planned, and I don't want to do that again...

    But I think I've decided I'm done period. I always thought I would have at least 2 kids. But she's so difficult, and she sleeps so little, that I just don't know if I could ever go through this again. I was pretty sick while I was pregnant and then just miserable and in pain and unable to sleep, and I don't know that I could go through THAT again (I know - all pregnancies are different, but still...) with a child to take care of.

    And then going through this no sleep thing now for over a year.

    And everything with her is like a constant battle. She bites and hits and throws tantrums and I feel like my patience and energy are going to give out by the end of the day and then we start the sleep battles...

    I wouldn't change her, honestly, because all her intensity and stubbornness come with sooo much sweetness and intelligence as well. But it's SO DRAINING. If I knew a second baby would be guaranteed mellow, content, laid back, and reflux free (oh, and a good sleeper!) I would totally go for it.

    I also know this time period later will seem like a very short period in her life, and it will be. But that doesn't change the fact that I haven't slept well in over a year and I'm exhausted.

    Anyone else been there?

    I'm hoping I will change my mind one day. Because I love being a mother (most of the time!) and I hate to think I'll never have another baby... I just don't know. I guess I'm venting.

    My oldest was a relatively easy baby and still I could not even conceive of having another (bad pun, sorry) till he was 2 1/2. Young babies are terribly draining. So you might change your mind yet.
    But even if you don't it's fine. I, for one, really liked being an only child. And life is so much easier with one. I don't regret having 2 but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like with one.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • cosmicflycosmicfly Posts: 1,814Registered Users
    My oldest was also a relatively easy baby and I did not think I wanted another one until he was nearly 3. Babies are just draining, especially if you have obligations other than your baby (such as work or school). Even then, I wasn't convinced. Now I have 3 and I am 99% certain I am done- I am 36 and my relationship is not where I would like it to be and it is draining. Aidan has been a very challenging toddler- he is bright and stubborn and advanced in terms of his cognition and language but very emotionally immature which results in lots of tantrums and times when he is just completely lacking the development of self control.

    If the decision makes you sad, then don't resolve that it is a permanent decision- it is the decision that is right for you right now. I do not want any more children but sometimes I get some baby fever and it makes me sad to think that I will probably never have another little baby. So what I have told myself is that if circumstances change, I would reconsider my decision not to have more children.

    Oh, and congratulations, DarkAngel :)
  • DarkAngelDarkAngel Posts: 2,671Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Thank you for the congrats, ladies.
    image.php?type=2&o=5&c=1&date=2009-10-07&babyname=Sebastian

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Theodor Seuss Geisel
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    DarkAngel - congrats! when are you due?

    Rheanna - I think it is too soon to tell what will happen. I remember you worrying you wouldn't have any children, and here you are with one, so you just never know.

    For me, I've always wanted 4 (could go for 3 which is looking more likely now), but after my son I was NOT interested in conceiving any time before he was 2 and didn't really get baby fever until he was about 2 1/2 - he is very high-energy too! I was scared to even have sex before then! I think your body knows when it is ready, and mine was not ready until he quit nursing at 3. I feel that this was the perfect time for me. Everyone is different.

    I have thought of the advantages of only children, and there are definitely some - you have a lot more time, energy and money to spend on them for one. There are more and more only children and I think it is less of a rarity than it used to be. You are blessed with one, and whether you have more or not you'll still be blessed.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


    .png


    534Pm5.png





  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    My first was kind of easy, but we had sleep issues as well. We didn't really start sleep training until he was one year old, and honestly, a lot of the mistakes we made were because we were new parents. We did things completely differently withour second child, and to this day she's always been an awesome sleeper.

    I think I agree mostly with RCWs comments. I think if you were to revisit in a few years, have other aspects of your life figured out, you might find that you want another kid. The first year is always the hardest, IMO. Although, with an almost 9 and 5 year old here, I am finding that each year has its challenges.
    :rambo:
  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Novice
    Sleep, economics, and a solid relationship could make all the difference in your future childbearing decisions.

    Yep. I never really wanted kids, but I love being a mom. I disliked pregnancy with a passion that I couldn't even describe...I was also in a bad relationship and things were even harder in my household and in my life.

    Now I'm in a relationship with someone who says he absolutely wants a lot of kids in the future. I'm really unsure because my experience wasn't great, and I've explained as much as I can about how I feel (it's early in the relationship, but a deal-breaker). Funnily enough, I think that I would want more kids if I had a solid relationship. I want a family, and I want my daughter to have more in-house siblings.

    If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said there isn't a chance in hell.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Give yourself some time, and some sleep, before you make any permanent decisions. I think it's fine when people don't want to have children or only want one, and I support them in their decisions, but it doesn't sound (to me) like you are truly there. Sleep, economics, and a solid relationship could make all the difference in your future childbearing decisions.

    In the meantime, get some REALLY reliable birth control.

    I agree with this completely, especially the bolded. My daughter was unplanned and she took a while to sleep well too and I was insanely stressed and overwhelmed for the first year or so. There were times when my husband and I thought we could never go through that again. But things got a lot better and I am in a completely different place now than I was a year ago. Now we are expecting #2 and while I'm nervous to do it all again, I'm really excited and I feel like it is the best decision for us.

    Don't stress yourself out about making any permanent decisions right now. Just see how things go. Focus on being Ava's mom and if having another baby is the right thing for you one day, you will know.

    Have you read any books on sleep techniques? Getting my daughter to sleep through the night made a huge difference in my mental health and my ability to parent her and cope with the stresses of motherhood. GL.
    3027585431_55b6195e50_s.jpg3028374752_0df4d81a1b_s.jpg3028422696_8dcef38baa_s.jpg
    TickerTicker.aspx?&TT=bdy&TT1=bdy&CL=29&CT=&CG=F&O=m_nestbirds&T=t_b14&D=20080913&M1=&D1=2009&T2=&T1=Baby+Iris&CC=0&CO=&step=5&radio=A
  • RheannaRheanna Posts: 2,614Registered Users
    Thanks everyone for the support!
    iris427 wrote: »

    Have you read any books on sleep techniques? Getting my daughter to sleep through the night made a huge difference in my mental health and my ability to parent her and cope with the stresses of motherhood. GL.

    Iris, yes. We've tried a couple different techniques and we had luck with the "Ferber Method" but then she got sick, and I got sick, and it took literally ONE NIGHT of sleeping with her while we were both sick and now we're back to her waking up and screaming every few minutes to get in the bed with me. I can't sleep train again now due to living situation (I'm staying in basically a detached bedroom at my parent's house, they will.not.listen to her crying on the monitor, and my only other option is to stay outside. Plus, we have to share a very small bedroom and I think that's making it worse.) I'm hopefully moving in about a week if everything goes well and then I'm going to give her a couple weeks to get adjusted to the new place and ST again, so hopefully I'll be resting again soon. She did good with it for a few weeks, although I didn't sleep through the night... I was always up checking on her, lol.

    ETA: To clarify on the ST thing, we did it in September before and I just stood outside waiting on the intervals. It's a wee bit chilly to stand outside for so long now!
    DPTFm5.png
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Rheanna wrote: »
    Thanks everyone for the support!
    iris427 wrote: »

    Have you read any books on sleep techniques? Getting my daughter to sleep through the night made a huge difference in my mental health and my ability to parent her and cope with the stresses of motherhood. GL.

    Iris, yes. We've tried a couple different techniques and we had luck with the "Ferber Method" but then she got sick, and I got sick, and it took literally ONE NIGHT of sleeping with her while we were both sick and now we're back to her waking up and screaming every few minutes to get in the bed with me. I can't sleep train again now due to living situation (I'm staying in basically a detached bedroom at my parent's house, they will.not.listen to her crying on the monitor, and my only other option is to stay outside. Plus, we have to share a very small bedroom and I think that's making it worse.) I'm hopefully moving in about a week if everything goes well and then I'm going to give her a couple weeks to get adjusted to the new place and ST again, so hopefully I'll be resting again soon. She did good with it for a few weeks, although I didn't sleep through the night... I was always up checking on her, lol.

    ETA: To clarify on the ST thing, we did it in September before and I just stood outside waiting on the intervals. It's a wee bit chilly to stand outside for so long now!

    Ugh how frustrating. My daughter won't sleep if I'm in the room either. I hope you can get her sleeping better once you move to your new place.
    3027585431_55b6195e50_s.jpg3028374752_0df4d81a1b_s.jpg3028422696_8dcef38baa_s.jpg
    TickerTicker.aspx?&TT=bdy&TT1=bdy&CL=29&CT=&CG=F&O=m_nestbirds&T=t_b14&D=20080913&M1=&D1=2009&T2=&T1=Baby+Iris&CC=0&CO=&step=5&radio=A
  • RheannaRheanna Posts: 2,614Registered Users
    iris427 wrote: »
    Rheanna wrote: »
    Thanks everyone for the support!
    iris427 wrote: »

    Have you read any books on sleep techniques? Getting my daughter to sleep through the night made a huge difference in my mental health and my ability to parent her and cope with the stresses of motherhood. GL.

    Iris, yes. We've tried a couple different techniques and we had luck with the "Ferber Method" but then she got sick, and I got sick, and it took literally ONE NIGHT of sleeping with her while we were both sick and now we're back to her waking up and screaming every few minutes to get in the bed with me. I can't sleep train again now due to living situation (I'm staying in basically a detached bedroom at my parent's house, they will.not.listen to her crying on the monitor, and my only other option is to stay outside. Plus, we have to share a very small bedroom and I think that's making it worse.) I'm hopefully moving in about a week if everything goes well and then I'm going to give her a couple weeks to get adjusted to the new place and ST again, so hopefully I'll be resting again soon. She did good with it for a few weeks, although I didn't sleep through the night... I was always up checking on her, lol.

    ETA: To clarify on the ST thing, we did it in September before and I just stood outside waiting on the intervals. It's a wee bit chilly to stand outside for so long now!

    Ugh how frustrating. My daughter won't sleep if I'm in the room either. I hope you can get her sleeping better once you move to your new place.

    Thanks. I'll be moving hopefully in a week or so, so I'm looking forward to it. I've never not shared a room with her, so I'm sure it will be hard, but I know we'll both sleep better in separate rooms. Before I lived here, I rented a mobile home and the bedrooms were kind of far apart and I was always worried about a fire. This place is a house and the bedrooms are right next to one another, so I think I'll feel comfortable letting her sleep alone.
    DPTFm5.png

Leave a Comment

BoldItalicStrikethroughOrdered listUnordered list
Emoji
Image
Align leftAlign centerAlign rightToggle HTML viewToggle full pageToggle lights
Drop image/file