Dang,Dad!You just broke my heart!

bunnylake28bunnylake28 Registered Users Posts: 10
So, I BC'd at the end of Sept of this year after transitioning for close to 2 months.I ended up cutting off 12 inches of relaxed ends. Like everyone, I was kinda self-conscious of what people will think,esp family. I had support from my bf, which I thought would be enough,but I would like to know my fam had my back too.
Well, I got the Angela Davis, woolly haired jokes from my mom's side :angry4:, so i've been keeping my distance from them for a while till I get my confidence up to face them again. I decided not to tell my dad right away cause I couldn't be disappointed again by ignorance in my family.
Today, I needed help with my car so my dad came to the rescue. It's been 2 months since the chop and I felt comfortable with facing him. I met him outside and as he walked closer to me he was trying to figure out what was different. Here it comes y'all...He took one look at my hair and said " Eww, what did you do to your hair!"
My heart dropped. Trying to hold back tears, I told him I cut the straight ends off and don't you like it? He said no. I walked closer to him while I was talking and he backed up like I had a disease! :sad5:
I have never had a close relationship with my dad and for some reason his approval means so much to me. He asked if my bf has seen it and I told him he was there helping me cut it off.He just turned his face up in disgust.
Now he did not say anything about the texture,which i thought was the issue,but it was the length. I have a twa and i pulled it back with a thin headband. He asked why it looked like that(with the headband) and I lied and said I just washed it and I was keeping the hair out of my face.
Long story short, my dad hates my hair and basically reacted like this :pukeright: in my dang face! As in the words of Miss Sophie "I's feelin really down,I's feelin mighty bad." I just needed to vent cause I can't call anyone in my fam to vent, cause they would just think it's funny.
Remember hair Sunday in Grandma's kitchen
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

Comments

  • 3c4d7zwhatevs3c4d7zwhatevs Registered Users Posts: 1,589
    I don't know what to say...I just wanted to tell I am sorry for the way your relatives treated / treats you and I hope you have some friends who provide you a close support network. And remember, family can also be who YOU choose to be around, not just people who are related by blood. Please stop giving your relatives the power to move you to tears...
    4a/3c curls
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  • bunnylake28bunnylake28 Registered Users Posts: 10
    sagehen wrote: »
    I don't know what to say...I just wanted to tell I am sorry for the way your relatives treated / treats you and I hope you have some friends who provide you a close support network. And remember, family can also be who YOU choose to be around, not just people who are related by blood. Please stop giving your relatives the power to move you to tears...

    Thanks you. Yeah, I've been trying to not let what they say effect me. It's more of the older relatives that take issue with it and have smart things to say. My younger male cousins, I mean young( ages 6-12) all like it. I have to say I respect their opinions, more than my elders,cause they have no hangups and love me for me.My friends are great as well. Plus, this board is really great. This is my first time posting, so thank you for the support!
    Remember hair Sunday in Grandma's kitchen
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • forbeeforbee Registered Users Posts: 441
    This ish happened when I first cut my ends off as well. I was expecting the ignorance from mommy's side of the family, but really disappointed when my dad, who tolerated all my other random hair phases, started making comments about my natural hair. "How are you going to get a job?" "What hairstyle are you going to wear?"

    I mean, he did get over it. He eventually offered to take my sister and me to the barber to get my hair shaped so I could wear a symmetrical afro. My mom wouldn't let me take him up on the offer, but it was nice of him to do so after all the dumb comments I've heard from everyone about my hair.

    Anyway, I understand how you feel because I felt that way. But they will get over it, hopefully. And if they don't, then you will and be so much stronger for it. Congrats on the BC though.
    last relaxer 08/08/09
    all natural since 7/30/10


    Shrinkage happens.
  • bunnylake28bunnylake28 Registered Users Posts: 10
    forbee wrote: »
    This ish happened when I first cut my ends off as well. I was expecting the ignorance from mommy's side of the family, but really disappointed when my dad, who tolerated all my other random hair phases, started making comments about my natural hair. "How are you going to get a job?" "What hairstyle are you going to wear?"

    I mean, he did get over it. He eventually offered to take my sister and me to the barber to get my hair shaped so I could wear a symmetrical afro. My mom wouldn't let me take him up on the offer, but it was nice of him to do so after all the dumb comments I've heard from everyone about my hair.

    Anyway, I understand how you feel because I felt that way. But they will get over it, hopefully. And if they don't, then you will and be so much stronger for it. Congrats on the BC though.

    Thank you forbee! I didn't know it was gonna be this hard! Plus, my dad is a minister, you think he would accept me the way I am.I believe my dad thinks I'm not feminine anymore. As he was saying goodbye,he yelled " I hope it grows fast! I wanna see it swinging off your shoulders!" Guess he didn't get the message about curly hair and shrinkage! That's gonna be a discussion for another day, I already feel it coming. Ugh!
    Remember hair Sunday in Grandma's kitchen
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • forbeeforbee Registered Users Posts: 441
    I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I'm waiting for the day when we can do what we're doing without any questions.

    Regarding the bolded, your dad sounds a little old fashioned. Haha. Hmm, the shrinkage conversation should be really interesting. Let me know how that one goes. :sad8:

    Thank you forbee! I didn't know it was gonna be this hard! Plus, my dad is a minister, you think he would accept me the way I am.I believe my dad thinks I'm not feminine anymore. As he was saying goodbye,he yelled " I hope it grows fast! I wanna see it swinging off your shoulders!" Guess he didn't get the message about curly hair and shrinkage! That's gonna be a discussion for another day, I already feel it coming. Ugh!
    last relaxer 08/08/09
    all natural since 7/30/10


    Shrinkage happens.
  • bunnylake28bunnylake28 Registered Users Posts: 10
    forbee wrote: »
    I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I'm waiting for the day when we can do what we're doing without any questions.

    Regarding the bolded, your dad sounds a little old fashioned. Haha. Hmm, the shrinkage conversation should be really interesting. Let me know how that one goes. :sad8:

    Thank you forbee! I didn't know it was gonna be this hard! Plus, my dad is a minister, you think he would accept me the way I am.I believe my dad thinks I'm not feminine anymore. As he was saying goodbye,he yelled " I hope it grows fast! I wanna see it swinging off your shoulders!" Guess he didn't get the message about curly hair and shrinkage! That's gonna be a discussion for another day, I already feel it coming. Ugh!

    Oh he is real old fashioned! I'll keep you guys posted : )
    Remember hair Sunday in Grandma's kitchen
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • empressriempressri Registered Users Posts: 4,812
    Thank you forbee! I didn't know it was gonna be this hard! Plus, my dad is a minister, you think he would accept me the way I am.I believe my dad thinks I'm not feminine anymore. As he was saying goodbye,he yelled " I hope it grows fast! I wanna see it swinging off your shoulders!" Guess he didn't get the message about curly hair and shrinkage! That's gonna be a discussion for another day, I already feel it coming. Ugh!

    Respectfully so, it's the ones in the church that are more critical and hypocritical of things. And this coming from someone that grew up and still is in church. You have to remember that your father is still a MAN of God, hence MAN and is not perfect, so one has nothing to do with the other.

    You just keep doing you little sis. But if someone is outright trying to dog you I wouldn't sit there and take it. There's a way to do everything.
    Lady Hasytal in the Land of Product in the Order of the Curly Crusaders
    "Trust is knowing your SO would do the right thing in the face of strange vagina." Nej
    [/B]
  • bunnylake28bunnylake28 Registered Users Posts: 10
    empressri wrote: »
    Thank you forbee! I didn't know it was gonna be this hard! Plus, my dad is a minister, you think he would accept me the way I am.I believe my dad thinks I'm not feminine anymore. As he was saying goodbye,he yelled " I hope it grows fast! I wanna see it swinging off your shoulders!" Guess he didn't get the message about curly hair and shrinkage! That's gonna be a discussion for another day, I already feel it coming. Ugh!

    Respectfully so, it's the ones in the church that are more critical and hypocritical of things. And this coming from someone that grew up and still is in church. You have to remember that your father is still a MAN of God, hence MAN and is not perfect, so one has nothing to do with the other.

    You just keep doing you little sis. But if someone is outright trying to dog you I wouldn't sit there and take it. There's a way to do everything.

    You are so right. He was pretty tough on me and my sis as far as executing the old school,"Pentecostal" way,ie long skirts and no listening to "worldly" music. He has definitely loosened up a lot and is pretty cool to be around now. But his comments today just took me back to being that little girl looking for acceptance from her daddy.He has definitely given me daddy issues.
    Remember hair Sunday in Grandma's kitchen
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • trpd123trpd123 Registered Users Posts: 50
    Family can be the roughest on you because they are used to seeing you a certain way. They not only know how they are used to seeing your appearance, but they also think they know you as a person and can't reason within themselves why you would do such a thing to yourself. Especially if you were a girly girl, long hair, etc. This completely goes against who they think you are as a person; and you are taking them too fast when all of a sudden, you have a changed mindset. This is why you just have to give them time. They eventually come around when they see that you are committed to it and nothing they or anyone else says will make you change your mind. And trust, they do try to change your mind!

    I am sorry that you were hurt by your father's reaction. I think that stims more from your relationship with him and your desire to have his approval moreso than his reaction. I think this is your bigger concern that you probably need to deal with. And I would know, I am a recovering people pleaser. You kinda set yourself up for hurt feelings when you ask him "don't you like it". Clearly you could see he didn't like it when he approached you with "what did you do to your hair?" Never try to get affirmation about a decision you have already made. Good or bad, you've already done it. And you are giving that other person power over your emotional state-joy if they respond well, sad or even mad if they respond badly. When all of that could have been prevented by taking control of your own emotions and standing by your decision. And if people (including fam) don't like it, they will be ok, and so will you.

    Trust me, my entire fam thought I had lost my mind. My resolve not only shut them up, but some of them started to like it, and some of them have gone natural themselves. You will be ok. Let your hair do what it does. It will grow. And in the mean time, take the focus off your hair and work on yourself and your family relationships. Take care!
  • bunnylake28bunnylake28 Registered Users Posts: 10
    trpd123 wrote: »
    Family can be the roughest on you because they are used to seeing you a certain way. They not only know how they are used to seeing your appearance, but they also think they know you as a person and can't reason within themselves why you would do such a thing to yourself. Especially if you were a girly girl, long hair, etc. This completely goes against who they think you are as a person; and you are taking them too fast when all of a sudden, you have a changed mindset. This is why you just have to give them time. They eventually come around when they see that you are committed to it and nothing they or anyone else says will make you change your mind. And trust, they do try to change your mind!

    I am sorry that you were hurt by your father's reaction. I think that stims more from your relationship with him and your desire to have his approval moreso than his reaction. I think this is your bigger concern that you probably need to deal with. And I would know, I am a recovering people pleaser. You kinda set yourself up for hurt feelings when you ask him "don't you like it". Clearly you could see he didn't like it when he approached you with "what did you do to your hair?" Never try to get affirmation about a decision you have already made. Good or bad, you've already done it. And you are giving that other person power over your emotional state-joy if they respond well, sad or even mad if they respond badly. When all of that could have been prevented by taking control of your own emotions and standing by your decision. And if people (including fam) don't like it, they will be ok, and so will you.

    Trust me, my entire fam thought I had lost my mind. My resolve not only shut them up, but some of them started to like it, and some of them have gone natural themselves. You will be ok. Let your hair do what it does. It will grow. And in the mean time, take the focus off your hair and work on yourself and your family relationships. Take care!

    I am definitely trying to work on the bolded. Also, I agree with the sudden change shocking them. I guess I really didn't think about it from their perspective,just mine. They tend to be scared of change now that I think about it. Thank you for the advice too! I am trying to work on being my true self and that is healthy and happy. I'm sure they will come around.
    Remember hair Sunday in Grandma's kitchen
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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