"I won't take you anywhere, but if you're going somewhere special I'll come along."

Would/do you have a problem with this? Opinions, please, and thanks.
«1

Comments

  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    Uh, yeah.......and hell naw!
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    Here's another variation:

    "I won't take you anywhere, but I feel some type of way when I see you making plans and dressing up to go out with your girlfriends, so NOW can we go somewhere? But you'll have to tell ME where you want to go, what you want to do, and when."

    ".....and I'll never bring up the subject again NOR want to go anywhere unless YOU bring it up first. Unless I see you making plans to go out with your girlfriends again....."
  • curlyarcacurlyarca Posts: 8,449Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    That person has issues. My response (of the day, apparently): "*****, please."

    "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

    4a, mbl, low porosity, normal thickness, fine hair.
  • CheetaraCheetara Posts: 2,182Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Who said that to you?
    Sort of CG sometimes, but not really
    2B, medium? normal porosity and elasticity?

    Cleansers -
    Suave Clarifying, Philosophy Happy Birthday Beautiful

    Stylers - BRHG, re:coil, Ion Hairspray

    I live in the NYC area.


  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    It's never been said out loud, but years' worth of actions/inactions that say the exact same thing.


    Yet *I'm* the one with the "problem"..... :confused5::roll:
  • automaticflowersautomaticflowers Posts: 3,465Registered Users
    That all sounds very irksome. I'd just keep making my plans without him.

    My SO doesn't like to do anything, either. What's with some guys?
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    It's never been said out loud, but years' worth of actions/inactions that say the exact same thing.


    Yet *I'm* the one with the "problem"..... :confused5::roll:

    Someone actually saying something like that, and you interpreting actions to mean that are two TOTALLY different things.

    I think it is your problem if you want to go out with the guy and don't suggest it. Some people just aren't planners or initiators. It's not his problem that he isn't a planner or initiator of plans. You're the one that has the problem with it. It seems like he's willing to go out on the town with you if you set it up--that's a lot more than some guys! And it's only human nature to see someone doing something that looks like fun and then want to do it, but otherwise not have the energy or desire to want to go about it. I don't sit at home on my comfy couch and TV thinking how awesome it would be to be backpacking around Europe right now...but when I see my friend's facebook posts while I'm stuck at work, of course I want to do it too!
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I'd have to stop seeing someone like that.
    :rambo:
  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Posts: 20,724Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    When I read that statement I thought to myself "Why would anyone put up with that?" But then I realize, I put up with a similar deal. One of the guys I date is kind of phobic about crowds and people and such. He lives in a cabin in the woods and doesn't go out much (besides his kids' school and sporting events). But if I want him to go to dinner, movie, fair, festival with me he will certainly make the effort to go. Once in awhile he surprises me and makes plans for us to do something fun. And if there's something he doesn't want to do, I just go with friends or family or by myself. Not the end of the world. And hey, he has many other qualities that make up for his less than stellar social behavior.
    --I'm located in Western PA.   --I found NC in late 2004, CG since February 2005, joined the forums in May 2005, started going grey in late 2005.   --My hair is 3B with some 3A, currently at mid back length when dry,  texture-medium/fine, porosity-top is low, middle is medium, ends are porous, elasticity-normal.   --My long time favorite products are Suave & VO5 conditioners, LA Looks Sport Gel, coconut oil, honey, vinegar.   
    --My CG and grey hair progress -  
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    --My article at NaturallyCurly about going grey - 
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  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I just think it sounds weird.
  • nynaeve77nynaeve77 Posts: 7,135Registered Users Curl Novice
    I do think it's kinda strange if he wants to crash your girls' night out. Otherwise, I think maybe he's not the most creative at thinking up outing ideas. My DH is that way. I usually have to suggest and set it all up; he doesn't mind going out, but he just doesn't know what to do! Sometimes, he surprises me with fun things, though.
    "Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest."--Linus, A Charlie Brown Christmas


    My fotki: http://public.fotki.com/nynaeve77/
    Password: orphanannie
  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    Sounds like he's either a narcissistic bum, or he's got some kind of social anxiety.
    "And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
    Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
    Stolen.
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    Someone actually saying something like that, and you interpreting actions to mean that are two TOTALLY different things.

    I think it is your problem if you want to go out with the guy and don't suggest it. Some people just aren't planners or initiators. It's not his problem that he isn't a planner or initiator of plans. You're the one that has the problem with it. It seems like he's willing to go out on the town with you if you set it up--that's a lot more than some guys! And it's only human nature to see someone doing something that looks like fun and then want to do it, but otherwise not have the energy or desire to want to go about it. I don't sit at home on my comfy couch and TV thinking how awesome it would be to be backpacking around Europe right now...but when I see my friend's facebook posts while I'm stuck at work, of course I want to do it too!

    She nailed it.

    It's completely passive aggressive and unhealthy for you to attribute these feelings to someone who isn't expressing them, blame that individual, get angry, etc., yet never express what you're feeling.

    Sounds like someone who doesn't want to initiate going anywhere, has no desire to do so, and you probably have never asked that this individual do so.

    If you don't want to be with someone like that (and personally, I don't) then either learn to accept it, ask that person to take the effort and set expectations of what you want clearly, concisely, without all the blame you're laying in this post, or MOVE ON. Getting mad and *****ing about it and being unhappy, then spreading the unhappiness - just not cool, not healthy, and unfair to both of you.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • helloyellowbirdhelloyellowbird Banned Posts: 1,632Banned Users
    He sounds crazy.
    eIZWI.gif
    :love10:
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    NetG wrote: »
    Who Me? wrote: »
    Someone actually saying something like that, and you interpreting actions to mean that are two TOTALLY different things.

    I think it is your problem if you want to go out with the guy and don't suggest it. Some people just aren't planners or initiators. It's not his problem that he isn't a planner or initiator of plans. You're the one that has the problem with it. It seems like he's willing to go out on the town with you if you set it up--that's a lot more than some guys! And it's only human nature to see someone doing something that looks like fun and then want to do it, but otherwise not have the energy or desire to want to go about it. I don't sit at home on my comfy couch and TV thinking how awesome it would be to be backpacking around Europe right now...but when I see my friend's facebook posts while I'm stuck at work, of course I want to do it too!

    She nailed it.

    It's completely passive aggressive and unhealthy for you to attribute these feelings to someone who isn't expressing them, blame that individual, get angry, etc., yet never express what you're feeling.

    Sounds like someone who doesn't want to initiate going anywhere, has no desire to do so, and you probably have never asked that this individual do so.

    If you don't want to be with someone like that (and personally, I don't) then either learn to accept it, ask that person to take the effort and set expectations of what you want clearly, concisely, without all the blame you're laying in this post, or MOVE ON. Getting mad and *****ing about it and being unhappy, then spreading the unhappiness - just not cool, not healthy, and unfair to both of you.

    I know I asked for opinions and I am always open to them when I post...but I am genuinely confused at the tone of your response.

    In response to the bolded, I have tried and tried and tried and tried to discuss this problem...tried to remedy it....many times. Without any change.

    I'm not trying to come across as some high-living diva who needs to be wined and dined on the regular.....but when we do get into arguments on this subject---which inevitably arise when I'm about to go do something with my family or girlfriends---I'm made to feel that way, which is very far from the truth. I feel hurt that I *ALWAYS* have make the effort.....very one-sided. And when I say "effort" I mean every.single.thing.

    When I said that it seems as if *I* am the one with the 'problem', I was referring to the reactions from both him and our marriage counselor at the time. (I guess I should have clarified, I dunno)

    Thanks to all for responding.
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    If it came across as I think you are a diva for wanting him to make plans, I apologize. I don't think that at all.

    I think it's unfortunate that it's this much later that you are realizing you're not getting what you want.

    But from your tone of your post and how you worded things, I would guess you do not communicate your feelings and what you need clearly enough. You seem to be with someone who takes no initiative and has zero creativity, but will go along when you suggest things/want to do things. Unfortunately, you can only change your own behavior, not that of others.

    You can say "I would like you to plan outings for us every other Friday, and I'll make plans for us on alternate Saturdays" or some other very direct and clear "you need to step up" plan, which would show that you're still going to do your share (or more than your share), so you're not trying to pass off all burden. You can decide you aren't able to live with someone like this anymore. You can decide to just accept things as they are, because x, y, and z are so wonderful about your relationship it's worth accepting someone who isn't your ideal. There are many options.

    But it sounds like you need to start by changing how you communicate and not making assumptions. Some people simply aren't plan-makers. Getting angry and adding emotional weight to that fact isn't going to fix things, but will ensure it's much harder for things to get better. It doesn't sound like the lack of planning is any indication of feelings toward you or attempt to belittle you or make you seem less of a person, but that this is how you're taking it. However, you're dealing with the fundamental nature of an individual. Sure, the planning and stuff will happen while you're being courted, but once real life settles in, you have to figure out how to handle the lack of something you want.

    Again, you're not unreasonable to want someone who will voluntarily step up and reach out and make plans. However, that's not who you're married to. So the question is, how can you either compromise or move on? (I think if you love someone enough to have married them, compromise is very possible, as long as you try to be understanding and not accuse someone of thinking/saying things they don't, and he'll try too.)

    My guess is that you say "why don't we ever do anything?" so when you discuss going out he jumps on going with you... and you feel that it is somehow an insult. That he's trying, in his own way, and you're getting mad at that, too. No, he's not giving you what you need - but does he even understand what it is you need?
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    My guess is that you say "why don't we ever do anything?" so when you discuss going out he jumps on going with you... and you feel that it is somehow an insult. That he's trying, in his own way, and you're getting mad at that, too. No, he's not giving you what you need - but does he even understand what it is you need?


    Why do you keep telling me what has happened, what I have done or not done? You are assuming a lot in all that you have said, most of which is not true at all.

    As far as "or MOVE ON."..... I've posted a few things here over time on the topic, and some posters here may already be familiar with what's been going on with me.

    And I'm sorry if "b*tching about it" has been a problem. I honestly wasn't aware that I posted about things THAT much; venting on NC helps me out a lot.

    Thanks to all for your responses.
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users

    When I said that it seems as if *I* am the one with the 'problem', I was referring to the reactions from both him and our marriage counselor at the time. (I guess I should have clarified, I dunno)

    If he's fine with the way things are, and you're not, and no one is actually getting abused or anything....then it is your problem.

    You can accept it as it's just how he is, you can get better at communicating your needs to him, or you can leave. It's all what YOU can do to remedy the problem, because it's a problem for you.

    Of course, if you decide on option 2 (improving your communication about the problem), he should be receptive if you have a solid relationship.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    Just do whatcha wanna do & fargo him!
    is that better?
    
    :evil4:
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    My guess is that you say "why don't we ever do anything?" so when you discuss going out he jumps on going with you... and you feel that it is somehow an insult. That he's trying, in his own way, and you're getting mad at that, too. No, he's not giving you what you need - but does he even understand what it is you need?
    Why do you keep telling me what has happened, what I have done or not done? You are assuming a lot in all that you have said, most of which is not true at all.

    As far as "or MOVE ON."..... I've posted a few things here over time on the topic, and some posters here may already be familiar with what's been going on with me.

    And I'm sorry if "b*tching about it" has been a problem. I honestly wasn't aware that I posted about things THAT much; venting on NC helps me out a lot.

    Thanks to all for your responses.

    If you don't want advice, why are you posting about it?

    Honestly.

    I said I'm *guessing.* I didn't say it was what happened. But your tone in your post implies certain things. You did NOT communicate well here, you were not direct here, you just implied and stated massive assumptions you later stated were things he hadn't said. I'm guessing you communicate with him in the same manner. Just check out your thread title, even. It implies he actually said these things. You're angry at him, when I bet he thinks he's doing what you want by going along. Does he know you don't like that, or you have taken it to have a big emotional meaning which is probably opposite from what it actually means?

    I don't think I've read any of your posts about this subject elsewhere so am not using some other history against you, and am not in any way complaining that you post too much about it. I'm saying that from the way you typed your complaints on the board, I am guessing that instead of using healthy, clear, direct communication with him, I am guessing you attack him even when he IS trying.

    Does that mean I think you don't deserve to be happy, or that you're asking too much in wanting someone who will take initiative? No, not at all. I don't think that's asking a lot. However, given how you expressed yourself here, I'm guessing you haven't actually asked for that, expressed yourself, or tried to figure out a compromise so he gives and you give, too. Instead, you appear to want someone who doesn't naturally take initiative to completely change, and haven't in any way shown an ability to clearly express that, or said anything which indicates you ever have.

    If you want to be happy, you have to give somewhat, and appreciate what he does - because if you don't, and if you get mad when he DOES try, he won't try. I don't believe in blame in relationships. It gets in the way of trying to fix things. I do believe in direct communication, and openly and honestly expressing what you feel without attributing negative feelings and blame to others when they likely don't feel that way. I think 99% of relationship problems can be fixed with non-accusatory communication and acceptance of who the other person it.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • XyzXyz Posts: 685Registered Users
    I disagree with the posts above. I don't know the specifics of the situation, but I believe non-verbal communication is just as valid (if not more so) than verbal communication. If the title of the thread is the read you are getting from your husband and you have articulated in therapy that it is what you feel he is saying to you when he never makes plans to be with you, then I think you are justified to vent about it here.

    Total bias showing: It bugs me when women say things like some men aren't good at making plans or some men can't take initiative. I can't see it. As a group men are known as go-getters. They like to challenge and conquer. They have made some of the greatest inventions of our time. The same men who supposedly can't take initiative to take their spouses out are the same ones who can spend 7 hours learning to program a high-tech television remote and take apart a sports car and put in the latest engine. If they aren't doing something, sometimes it's because they don't want to and they think they can get away with it. Wives are worth more than that. I would never back down and accept - So and so just can't make plans so I will have to make all the plans in the relationship. Ranty Friday out! :protest:

    That said, I hope it all works out.
  • legendslegends Posts: 3,073Registered Users
    Xyz wrote: »
    I disagree with the posts above. I don't know the specifics of the situation, but I believe non-verbal communication is just as valid (if not more so) than verbal communication. If the title of the thread is the read you are getting from your husband and you have articulated in therapy that it is what you feel he is saying to you when he never makes plans to be with you, then I think you are justified to vent about it here.

    Total bias showing: It bugs me when women say things like some men aren't good at making plans or some men can't take initiative. I can't see it. As a group men are known as go-getters. They like to challenge and conquer. They have made some of the greatest inventions of our time. The same men who supposedly can't take initiative to take their spouses out are the same ones who can spend 7 hours learning to program a high-tech television remote and take apart a sports car and put in the latest engine. If they aren't doing something, sometimes it's because they don't want to and they think they can get away with it. Wives are worth more than that. I would never back down and accept - So and so just can't make plans so I will have to make all the plans in the relationship. Ranty Friday out! :protest:

    That said, I hope it all works out.
    All of this, especially the bolded. You've told him how you feel several times, if he still needs sepcific instruction ("you make plans every friday..." I mean, seriously?), then HE is the one with the problem--he's either not very smart or he just doesn't care about how you feel.
    And while many/most women would just accept that type of behavior because "that's just how men are," you shouldn't be made to feel like your in the wrong for refusing to do so.
    Eres o te haces?
  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    NetG wrote: »

    You did NOT communicate well here, you were not direct here, you just implied and stated massive assumptions you later stated were things he hadn't said. I'm guessing you communicate with him in the same manner. Just check out your thread title, even. It implies he actually said these things. You're angry at him, when I bet he thinks he's doing what you want by going along. Does he know you don't like that, or you have taken it to have a big emotional meaning which is probably opposite from what it actually means?

    .

    .
    Totally agree with an entire post. Straight up communication is the key. And assumptions can be the devil. Case in point, sometimes if I don't return my mother's phone calls right away or it goes straight into voicemail, she thinks I'm ignoring her so she walks around all day with hurt feelings. When all the while I was either called into work or I didn't have reception so I didn't get a missed call.

    I liked NetG's advice on telling him direction on such and such date, I would like you to plan something. My husband sucks at planning things but is down to do things with me. I used to (and still at times )get annoyed. But I realized, for him, all he wanted to do was to spend time with me. The other "stuff" was just frosting.
  • BoomygrrlBoomygrrl Posts: 4,940Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I can relate to your husband...in a way. My husband is the one that makes the plans 90 percent of the time (if not more often than that). He's a social butterfly. That's one of the things I love about him. My nature is "couch potato." I like to go out...but not as often. With him, I now go out pretty often...and although I have to psych myself up sometimes to go (as that couch looks sooooo comfortable), I end up enjoying myself most of the time and it's worth it to tag along.

    I think requiring him to plan every other Friday might be a bit much if he's a couch potato at heart. However, he does need to take more of an initiative (as I do too in my relationship).

    So you've been to therapy. What does he say in these sessions? When you go out with your friends, is it EVERYTIME you go out that he wants to tag along? Does he ever do anything just with his friends?
    I do sometimes go out with my friends...but again the planning part is often an obstacle. My friends have busy lives, so about once a month (or once every two months), I will throw out a suggestion that we need to go to the movies or go out to eat, then another friend will either run with it or it'll fizzle out. They are as bad as I am at times.

    I call my husband "Entertainment Committee." He doesn't seem to mind, so it's not an issue in our relationship. I know I need to step up, for my own sake. I hate that I'm a couch potato...but I am. My husband is my motivation for going out. He makes plans, "that sounds fun, oh but the couch is comfy, but I know I'll have fun if I get off my behind, oh the couch...is that a head ache I have? Boomygrrl, just go! Dang!!"
    That's right, I said it! I wear scrunchies!!

    I am a sulfate washing, cone slabbing, curly lovin' s.o.b. The CG police haven't caught me yet.
    :blob8:

    3a/3b
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    NetG wrote: »
    Who Me? wrote: »
    Someone actually saying something like that, and you interpreting actions to mean that are two TOTALLY different things.

    I think it is your problem if you want to go out with the guy and don't suggest it. Some people just aren't planners or initiators. It's not his problem that he isn't a planner or initiator of plans. You're the one that has the problem with it. It seems like he's willing to go out on the town with you if you set it up--that's a lot more than some guys! And it's only human nature to see someone doing something that looks like fun and then want to do it, but otherwise not have the energy or desire to want to go about it. I don't sit at home on my comfy couch and TV thinking how awesome it would be to be backpacking around Europe right now...but when I see my friend's facebook posts while I'm stuck at work, of course I want to do it too!

    She nailed it.

    It's completely passive aggressive and unhealthy for you to attribute these feelings to someone who isn't expressing them, blame that individual, get angry, etc., yet never express what you're feeling.

    Sounds like someone who doesn't want to initiate going anywhere, has no desire to do so, and you probably have never asked that this individual do so.

    If you don't want to be with someone like that (and personally, I don't) then either learn to accept it, ask that person to take the effort and set expectations of what you want clearly, concisely, without all the blame you're laying in this post, or MOVE ON. Getting mad and *****ing about it and being unhappy, then spreading the unhappiness - just not cool, not healthy, and unfair to both of you.

    I know I asked for opinions and I am always open to them when I post...but I am genuinely confused at the tone of your response.

    In response to the bolded, I have tried and tried and tried and tried to discuss this problem...tried to remedy it....many times. Without any change.

    I'm not trying to come across as some high-living diva who needs to be wined and dined on the regular.....but when we do get into arguments on this subject---which inevitably arise when I'm about to go do something with my family or girlfriends---I'm made to feel that way, which is very far from the truth. I feel hurt that I *ALWAYS* have make the effort.....very one-sided. And when I say "effort" I mean every.single.thing.

    When I said that it seems as if *I* am the one with the 'problem', I was referring to the reactions from both him and our marriage counselor at the time. (I guess I should have clarified, I dunno)

    Thanks to all for responding.


    Can you sort of paraphrase a recent discussion you had w/ him on this topic? To give us an idea if his tone is aggressive, clueless, disinterested, timid, etc.?

  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    legends wrote: »
    Xyz wrote: »
    I disagree with the posts above. I don't know the specifics of the situation, but I believe non-verbal communication is just as valid (if not more so) than verbal communication. If the title of the thread is the read you are getting from your husband and you have articulated in therapy that it is what you feel he is saying to you when he never makes plans to be with you, then I think you are justified to vent about it here.

    Total bias showing: It bugs me when women say things like some men aren't good at making plans or some men can't take initiative. I can't see it. As a group men are known as go-getters. They like to challenge and conquer. They have made some of the greatest inventions of our time. The same men who supposedly can't take initiative to take their spouses out are the same ones who can spend 7 hours learning to program a high-tech television remote and take apart a sports car and put in the latest engine. If they aren't doing something, sometimes it's because they don't want to and they think they can get away with it. Wives are worth more than that. I would never back down and accept - So and so just can't make plans so I will have to make all the plans in the relationship. Ranty Friday out! :protest:

    That said, I hope it all works out.
    All of this, especially the bolded. You've told him how you feel several times, if he still needs sepcific instruction ("you make plans every friday..." I mean, seriously?), then HE is the one with the problem--he's either not very smart or he just doesn't care about how you feel.
    And while many/most women would just accept that type of behavior because "that's just how men are," you shouldn't be made to feel like your in the wrong for refusing to do so.

    Some PEOPLE are not good planners. Some PEOPLE are not good initiators at plans. Some of these people are men. Some of them are women. No one, at leat no one I've seen on this thread, is saying that just because he's a man he's excused from planning things.

    If you don't like the specific characteristics of your partner, you need to work together to change it, or to let it go, or to get a new partner.


    And I would also like to know how these conversation are going--what's being said, and sure, even what the body language is. But I'm afraid we'll get all interpretations and projected anger instead.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    legends wrote: »
    Xyz wrote: »
    I disagree with the posts above. I don't know the specifics of the situation, but I believe non-verbal communication is just as valid (if not more so) than verbal communication. If the title of the thread is the read you are getting from your husband and you have articulated in therapy that it is what you feel he is saying to you when he never makes plans to be with you, then I think you are justified to vent about it here.

    Yes, I have articulated until I can articulate no more. Half the time we went to sessions, I would be the only one talking while he slumped in his chair and fiddled, even when the therapist tried to engage him or asked him questions. We finally had to stop going when he stopped showing up and I would be there by myself. Even when the therapist was seeing him alone, even though the therapy was under my insurance.

    Total bias showing: It bugs me when women say things like some men aren't good at making plans or some men can't take initiative. I can't see it. As a group men are known as go-getters. They like to challenge and conquer. They have made some of the greatest inventions of our time. The same men who supposedly can't take initiative to take their spouses out are the same ones who can spend 7 hours learning to program a high-tech television remote and take apart a sports car and put in the latest engine. If they aren't doing something, sometimes it's because they don't want to and they think they can get away with it. Wives are worth more than that. I would never back down and accept - So and so just can't make plans so I will have to make all the plans in the relationship. Substitute "television remote/sports car" with "comic books/comic book conventions" and you've basically nailed it. Ranty Friday out! :protest:

    That said, I hope it all works out.
    All of this, especially the bolded. You've told him how you feel several times, if he still needs specific instruction ("you make plans every friday..." I mean, seriously?), then HE is the one with the problem--he's either not very smart or he just doesn't care about how you feel.
    And while many/most women would just accept that type of behavior because "that's just how men are," you shouldn't be made to feel like your in the wrong for refusing to do so.

    Can you sort of paraphrase a recent discussion you had w/ him on this topic? To give us an idea if his tone is aggressive, clueless, disinterested, timid, etc.?

    Me, earlier in the week:
    There's a concert coming up this weekend, C. invited me to see ***. I was going to go because they don't do concerts in this area much and it's someone I really wanted to see.

    Him: *WEARY SIGH and long-suffering look heavenward*

    I notice this, and after so many times of seeing this reaction, just don't bother to react to it.

    Me, the day of the event...after being snapped at all day and noticing--in silence--increased agitation, slamming things around, and attitude: Um, what is the problem, why are you acting funny?

    Him, completely heated: WHY do you ALWAYS get upset with me every time you want to go somewhere!?! WTF is your PROBLEM!!!

    Me: What are you talking about! All I did was ask you a question. You've been a complete ass to me today and you do this same identical sh*t EVERY time I go somewhere and it gets close to time for me to leave to go.

    Him: *turns around and leaves, shuts himself in a room *

    Me: trying to finish up and get ready to leave

    Him, waiting until I'm in the car, come outside in a complete tizzy: WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK!!!

    Me
    : I'm guessing the thing ends around 12. I'll be back after it's over!

    Him, yelling: We're going to have A Talk when you get back. Do you hear me?? We Are Going To Have A Talk.

    Me, extremely pissed off, drives away in a fury.

    The next morning:

    Him: NOW can we go somewhere??! WE never spend time together. NOW can we go somewhere???

    Me: But you don't EVER act like you want to GO anywhere! If I never ever suggested it, you would stay in that room the entire weekend drawing and working on your comic books! I don't even go anywhere hardly, and you know this already! Even when we go, I have to either drag you away or you're complaining to your friend on the phone that I "made" you go "on the spur of the moment"!!!

    Him: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! We'll go somewhere together next weekend, then! I'll make sure we go somewhere, find something for us to do.

    The next weekend comes and goes without any change whatsoever.....until the next time an event comes along and I go alone. And PLEASE do not get the impression that I go out a lot, because I don't. It's just that I'm trying to get out more now, and not be SO housebound and isolated because I haven't been doing too well with that. So it's not like I'm some party animal.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Was there every any infidelity in his life? Either in your marriage or in a previous relationship? You don't have to answer, just throwing that out there to think about.

    Is C male or female? How far away was the concert? Why didn't you ask him if he wanted to attend the concert w/ you and C?

    Sounds like he is a homebody/hermit but feels very threatened when you go out? Then promises to take you out to get you off his back or keep you from making plans w/ someone else? But doesn't follow thry? Is that an accurate description?

    Did you ever have The Talk when you got back?

  • irociroc Posts: 7,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm not judging you. I hear what you're saying, and I think your irritations are totally valid.


    The whole "I'll do it all because I'm accepting that you're not that way and we have to work together in our relationship" blah blah blah - is going to get old in any situation.

    Who wants to be the one doing all the planning? And does that not make you feel shortchanged, or less important because he can't make an effort to plan something for the two of you?

    Totally annoying, I get it. And I don't see any reason why anyone HAS to put up with, or work extra hard to make things happen for the two of you to spend time together.

    JMO.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • CheetaraCheetara Posts: 2,182Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    The way you guys fight sounds awful! Cursing, name calling, etc. makes it seem like there's general disrespect and resentment on both sides.
    Sort of CG sometimes, but not really
    2B, medium? normal porosity and elasticity?

    Cleansers -
    Suave Clarifying, Philosophy Happy Birthday Beautiful

    Stylers - BRHG, re:coil, Ion Hairspray

    I live in the NYC area.


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