Vent: My mom doesn't approve of me going natural.

GabyRM915GabyRM915 Posts: 21Registered Users
Hi, I'm Gaby, I'm 18 years old and my last relaxer was on May 15, 2010. Although I've only been one and a half months transitioning, I have about two and a half inches of new growth already (my hair grows REALLY fast :thumright:) My roots are tightly curly probably 4a but the rest of my new growth is wavy, like 2a, probably because I use a satin wrap at night.

**For all of you who think I'm probably crazy for thinking I have this much growth, I KNOW it's my natural growth because when my hair is wet, my line of demarcation is two and a half, maybe three inches down my hair, and it's a lot thicker, while my relaxed ends are really thin looking (can't wait to cut them off!)**

Anyways the deal is that my mom doesn't approve of me going natural, even though it's probably the healthiest thing I've done to my hair in all my life (I started relaxing it at ten:angry7:). She's taken me to dominican salons to have it relaxed, which is less harsh than black salons I've been to, because they totally burned my hair and scalp:cry:. (By the way, my mom's hispanic from Nicaragua and my dad is black)

When I was little I was naturally curly, probably 3c, and really shiny, but she wanted it straight so she would blowdry it (which obviously devastated the curl and made it frizzy), and then put my hair in tight braids. I didn't know any better and kept getting my hair relaxed until the Dominican women in the salon kept making comments about how straight my hair was when I would go get it relaxed again. That sparked my curiosity to grow my hair out and see it in it's pure form.

My mom keeps telling me how no one will like me with an "afro" and I will never get a decent job because no one successful has curly hair, they straighten it. "Look at Oprah and Michelle Obama, do they "go natural"??! No!" She doesn't understand, because she has straight, wavy hair, so does my little sister, she had hair down to her back, it was beautiful and curly down to her back, but they BLOWDRYED it and BRUSHED it when it was dry, so it got damaged, and she had to go get a hair cut and flat-ironed, now it's down to her shoulders. My heart was broken that day, she had such beautiful hair.
My other sister wants to keep relaxing her hair, which is fine, but she says she doesn't like curly hair. I get so mad, because her REAL hair IS curly.

My mom and grandma are hispanic, they don't understand that me and my sister's hair is BIRACIAL, it's not meant to be straight and damaged. Also, my new growth is not growing up like an "afro", it's wavy and growing down, I've kept my length and snipped off broken ends myself.

Is anyone going through the same thing? Do you family or friends dissaprove of your going natural. I think it's wrong. Curly/kinky hair is gorgeous!!! I can't wait to have all my hair natural:occasion9:



Cleanser:Tresemme Curl Moisturizing Shampoo
Conditioner: Herbal Essences Hello Hydration
Deep Treatment: DevaCurl Heaven in Hair (weekly)
Style: Moroccan Oil Curl Control Cream

soft, thick, shiny kinky curly 3c! :flower:


  • pretebrowneyespretebrowneyes Posts: 248Registered Users
    A friend of mine went through this with her mother and grandmother a couple years back (she was 18 too). Her mom would always tell her "you need a perm" and tease her because she knew her daughter wanted to be natural...but thought it was messy or hippyish or whatever.

    My suggestion to you, and what worked for my friend, is having a support system of friends that encourage your natural hair and support your decision. My friend used to text me nightly saying the DarknLovely box was calling her...and I'd talk her down.

    Right now she's about 3 yrs completely natural and has had sisterlocs for 2 of those years. She loves her hair, her mother's accepted it...and all's well that ends well. Hope this helps you out some :hugs:
    *MopTop Maven Healthy Hair Challenge 2011*:wave:

    PrePoo- EVOO
    LowPoo- Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap bar
    Shampoo- ORS Creamy Aloe
    Clarifying poo- Suave Daily Clarifying shampoo
    DC- GVP Conditioning Balm
    PT- GVP K-Pak reconstructor
    Leave in- Giovanni Direct leave-in *with kimmaytube recipe*
    Moisturizer- water+aloe vera juice+castor oil+jojoba oil spritz
    Sealant- jojoba oil
  • OperaDivaOperaDiva Posts: 354Registered Users
    I'm so sorry that you're facing this from your mom! Natural hair is gorgeous, to me there is nothing that will get you further in life than being yourself. Ask your mom how she would feel if you lied about your age or your racial background? Tell her you feel the same way about relaxers, you think it's lying about something that is a part of you!
    Jessica, proud mama to Hunter (9-18-09)
    3a/F/ii, high porosity

    Co-wash: Suave Naturals Tropical Coconut, V05 Volumizing
    Conditioner: AOGPB, Garnier Sleek and Shine
    Leave in: Suave Naturals Tropical coconut
    Gel: LA Looks Mega hold, Ecostyler Black, SOTC with shea butter/cocoa butter/sweet almond oil
    Off-day spritz: Lavender mist
    Hair likes Obscene amounts of protein
    Hair dislikes
    Too much oil

    CG since 5/8/10
  • niquabear3niquabear3 Posts: 9Registered Users
    I BC'd a month ago to about 1/2" and my hair is about an 1 1/2" long now. I did it because my hair was damaged to the point where parts of my head was less than an inch long and it was getting harder to hide, plus I was burned badly after a home relaxer (never let anyone but a pro do it) and then the burns got infected. (Yeah a lot, I know)

    My dad hadn't seen me in 6 months and when he picked me up at the airport, he looked at me and said "This isn't my child". I was expecting hug and got pushed away. :cry: When he finally asked why I cut it, I explained and after he asked why didn't I just trim the ends!!! :angry5:. I wanted to yell at him and tell him how dumb :scratch: that question was.

    Right now he is the only one that's ignorant about it. But he's warming up to it. Everyone else likes it so far and their only opinion is that I need to find a way to enhance my curls.

    So I completely understand your dilemma!
  • zami31zami31 Posts: 5Registered Users
    I'm so sorry you are not getting the support for your immediate family. :neutral: I've been natural for almost 10 years. (best thing I've ever done for my hair, my self esteem and my early morning routine) When I did the BC, my Aunt told me, "You look like a rough-neck man! Why did you do that? You'll be wearing a wig in 1 week." I cried for 3 days...then I looke at my beautiful, natural self in the mirror and said "FORGET THEM ALL! It's my hair and I love it!" :love10:

    Try to remember, sometimes people let society's negative views of African American women to stay trapped in the past. :shaking2: Whatever you decide to do with your hair is YOUR decision to make!

    I support you! I love you beautiful natural sister! So go to the mirror, smile and LOVE YOU TOO!

    *BC 8/99
    *TRUE type 5c Course Thick
    *trying to "grow out"
    *product junkie (b/c no product will give me the look I want)
  • curledlovecurledlove Posts: 444Registered Users
    I went through the same exact thing. I have been natural for nearly 3 years now and I also made the decision when I was 18. My mom and aunt (and all the other curly women in my family) relax their hair. Both of them said the same things about curly hair being unprofessional and messy looking. I pretty much just ignored their comments and continued doing what I thought was best for my hair. Now, 3 years later, everyone in my family loves my natural hair. Everyone says its more 'ME', of course it is, its what God gave me. All I can tell you is do what you feel is best for your hair while still respecting your mother. If that doesn't work tell her how much money she will be saving if you don't relax anymore, that worked like a charm on my mom.
    I made it! Tailbone length stretched, WL curly

    Teri Laflesh's book "Curly Like Me" sits on my desk and everytime I get frustrated and an impulse tells me to shave my head, I look at it in hopes that one day my hair will graze the top of my butt.


  • msnappturallyhappymsnappturallyhappy Posts: 36Registered Users
    Hey Gaby :wave:
    I think alot of us have family members who give us negative feedback for wanting to wear our hair in its natural state. I know last June my mother would constantly fight with me over my hair. She forced me to get a perm for my high school graduation (i barely had any new growth :angry4:) when I had just had a perm only 4 weeks prior due to my prom. I was sooo mad with her. But anywho she's getting use to my hair (I did the BC in May 2010)...somedays she hates how i style it BUT she has come to realize that it's my hair and that i'm my own individual.
    Good Luck with your hair journey!!!
  • pinkd78pinkd78 Posts: 29Registered Users
    Yes actually it has.
    I am a teen andI just finished transitioning this year, I have 4a and some 4b hair

    I have not had any one I know support me. The only person I know that is okay with it is my aunt who is natural. Although she hasn't said anything, I know she supports me since she lent me a book she baught on natural hair.

    people who aren't in my family have made comments. Like you look better with straight hair, or you should straigthen it.

    But my family has said worse stuff.

    My mother said to me when i just started transitioning that i should do something with my hair. She wants me to get a texturizer, or braids. She has even been in a bad mood and mentioned that i embarass her.
    What bugs me is that she thinks her hair is so kinky and complains, when it is less kinky than mine, since she is more mixed than I am (her mother was chinese, black/white mix with hair that i guess to be within the type 2 category) and complains when she has to get a relaxer, I have never seen my mothers natural hair but have seen some childhood pictures and it looks to be 3c.

    Another thing that bugs me is that they refuse to learn about natural hair and relaxers and think the only natural style is the afro or dreadlocks, which isn't true, since there are tons of styles like braidout, twistouts, wash n go's, bantu knot outs etc.
    They also think that most black hair can't grow that long, but look at erykah badu.

    It has gotten better recenly, they only seem annoyed when I mention natural hair now, instead of objecting.
    My sister says i would look cute with an afro, and my mom baught me and afro pick one day by suprise, which shows she is accepting me not relaxing.

    oh, and about not getting a job, show her this article here
    it is about the Cheif executive officer of Xerox, Ursula burns who is natural.

    GabyRM915, it may not be true for you, but just give your family some time to accept your natural hair and try to show them styles and information about it, it might just help.

    And another thing to remember, its you hair, not theirs. What i learned is that you know what is right for you. Plus there are a whole bunch of great websites, magazines, articles, blogs for naturals that besides this one.
  • seniyaseniya Posts: 21Registered Users
    I'm going through the same exact thing with my mom. My dad's black and my mom's white. She relaxed my hair when I was 11 because it was soooooo thick. I dunno if anyone else has been to the mixed chicks website and seen the little girl in the slides -- I looked just like the before picture.
    I guess I shocked her -- about a month ago I just cut it all off and started from scratch. She nearly died. Since then whenever we look at pics she's like, look how long and pretty your hair was. And she keeps asking, how are you going to deal with it? It's gonna be so thick.

    Worse I'm 21, just out of university and looking for the job and she keeps saying, people love hair and I don't look feminine anymore.

    I think it's because she's from a different race and a different generation. She's really caught up on this long hair thing.

    But all the best, I think mom's will always be moms. I know they mean well...
    BC: June 2nd 2010

    Current Length: Six inches, I'd like to believe

    Routine: Wash and goes with VO5. Profectiv Hair Strengthener + Castor Oil + Water. Elasta QP Feels Like Silk on lazy days.
  • metalsporksmetalsporks Posts: 5Registered Users
    I understand. My mom has curly hair that she keeps uber short or else she will do like I would like to do and pull it back into a ponytail (I just want it off my face during my pregnancy!) and has been using this "natural" shampoo that is expensive at the natural food store while I have been using shampoo as little as possible.

    She actually said the other day how great my hair looked and asked how I did it. I told her straight up about plunking (plopping reminds me of using hte restroom) and that I hadn't done anything but a water rinse for 4 days. Upon hearing this she said "Oh, well you should wash it cause it's oily and you are getting dandruff." I agree that I need to wash it again with something here soon but very minimally. My hair looked the best it has in years! >< And I only get dandruff from washing my hair because my scalp (and body) is so sensitive to the chemicals (like SLS) that it dries out very rapidly! I can't do the baking soda no poo solution as I am uber sensitive and allergic (skin-wise) to baking soda but come on mom! >< Grrr...:spiderman:

    But then again, I put on a little bit of makeup today and had my hair like that and upon seeing me my husband stuttered and started giggling nervously. :) So you know what I am saying to you (and myself)? Go for it! If your hair is healthier and looks better than ever then do it! I am currently growing out my color (I want to be back at normal color) so I understand the root type issues but if they look healthy then you must be doing something right! :happy6:
  • mollydollfacemollydollface Posts: 33Registered Users
    Hey Gaby. I've literally just recently been letting my hair go curly, I have 3a-3b hair. I never chemically relaxed it, but I used to iron it everyday. Everyone who's seen it, my family and my friends and boyfriend usually compliment it, except my mom. Which is strange because she is the type to tell me everything I do looks cute, but she actually said 'I like your hair straight.' She didn't say it mean, but everyday she has been asking me why I'm not straightening it. It's sad, because when she was younger she had perfect spirals in her hair.. So I'm sorry your mom doesnt understand, maybe when she see's it all grown out, she will realize how beautiful it is!
    :blob3:3a, Medium Porosity, Medium density, medium texture.
    Current Products: Still Figuring out a routine, but as of now; Natures Gate Tea Tree Shampoo for dry Irritated scalps,Yes! To Carrots Pampering Conditioner (Co-Wash), Natures gate Sunflower and Pomegranate Conditioner, AG Fast Food (LI), TIGI Curls Rock Curl Amplifier, Pantene Curl Gel.:blob3:
  • Sha111Sha111 Posts: 5Registered Users
    I was about your age (a little younger) when I went natural. My family didn't approve. All growing up, I hated getting my hair relaxed. A few months before my 17th b-day, I decided to go natural. When I told my mother, she said that I had to do my own hair and that she wasn't going to help. Instead of chopping all my hair off, I just got it braided. Whenever I took the braids out, I cut the old permed hair off little by little. Eventually it was all out and I wore a curly afro. About 3 years ago, my mother had a change of heart and went natural herself. Now she has a a baby fro of her own. My fro has since grown and I still love it. I think natural hair is the most versatile hair style a person can have.

    So, do what you want. It's your life and your body. Your mother and sister should love and respect you regardless of your hair style. If going natural is making you happy, that's all that matters. Ignore them... I definitely did.
  • lil_earthmommalil_earthmomma Posts: 35Registered Users
    I'm the only curly in my family! It's so hard because I get told my hair looks messy, unkempt, weird... blah blah blah. :cwm10:

    You do your hair the way you want! I don't understand the idea that only straight haired people are successful. Sheesh what a silly concept!
    3b-c, growing it out (it's really short right now, peices in the front just touch my nose if I stretch them out! lol), no-poo, no cones :toothy4:

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