Fess up mommies and pregnant ladies...

geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
The other threads got me thinking. I enjoyed being pregnant but I can't say I had a huge bond to the baby in utero. I did not have cute names for him, I did not talk to him, I did not read to him, I did not play him music. That would have seemed crazy to me. He was very abstract to me. During labor, I was pretty much concentrating on what I was feeling - to the point that when he was crowning and Mark wanted me to look and feel I remember thinking "leave me alone, I am a little busy right now" I don't think it was love at first sight either. More fascination, like "OMG, I can't believe a little person came out of me with little fingers and toes and everything"


Sometimes I feel like I should feel like I was a slacker for not being instantly in love the second I found out I was pregnant, and for not enrolling my belly in college prep classes right away.

But I can't be the only one.

So fess up...
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.

Comments

  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    first time around it was all about the process (pregnancy) and what was going on with me. I definitely had a surge of Mama Bear instinct the minute I pushed Ian out but love came gradually several weeks later until I didn't know when it happened.

    The second time around it was all about the toddler outside but also the new baby. I definitely felt a bond with Ryan in utero and although I didn't talk to him Ian would and he'd touch my belly as I explained that his sibling was still in there. The love came in a rush during pregnancy but overcoming the guilt of loving another child and not feeling like I'd betrayed my firstborn didn't follow until several months later.
  • loosecurlsloosecurls Posts: 637Registered Users
    I was totally in love w/ bets in utero & did all the cutesy stuff (talking, music, etc). When she was born & I was so exhausted I wanted the nurses to take care of her so I could sleep. Fat chance. When she came home with us a few days later I was in awe of her but again, was still so tired & she was getting used to our schedule that all I wanted to do was to pawn her off on DH.

    When I was finally into the swing of being home & she wasn't sleeping PhDcow shared a little gem with me---that for her the true bonding occurred on those nights when you were up until 3 & 4 in the morning. That the next day, no matter how tired you were, you were a little more in love with that little person. It was true for me, even when my PPD started to manifest.

    Once I went on my meds for PPD & she was sleeping from 6/7 pm until 7am I really realized that I loved being home with her & that this motherhood business was great.
    Slinky's rule for NC.com:

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  • fuzzbucketfuzzbucket Posts: 996Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    It feels very surreal to me. Hubby and I make joking references to the baby, but it does not feel real. In fact, when I stop and think about being pregnant and everything that means, I feel completely overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. We want this baby very much, but that doesn't mean it ain't scary! Also, because getting pregnant was so far from what I wanted for so long ("you'll ruin your life!") I feel a bit embarrased about it.

    My SIL described what you were talking about as well. It took her a while to feel connected to this "thing" that came out of her. I think it is more common that most women would admit.
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  • internetchickinternetchick Posts: 6,191Registered Users
    With the first two I was thrilled and excited and bonded. My last child was not planned, and we only wanted 2 kids not 3. I cried when I found out I was pregnant, and they were not tears of joy. The only thing that got me through the pregnancy was focusing on and planning the home birth I had always wanted. When he was born, I was totally in love. Up until then? Not so much :?
  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,938Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I didn't talk to her, I didn't much think about her. As I've said, she was a surprise and we had a lot going on (big North to South move, a small bit of bad weather called Hurricane Katrina, moving into and getting our house set up, etc). I also had a very easy pregnancy so it was easy not to think much about it or her, other than the occasional panic and OH GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE moment.

    I loved her, and I loved her once they handed her to me. But it was a rough start, she was in NICU for four nights (and if someone told me NOW that she was going to be somewhere else for four days and other people would care for her, I'd FREAK). We spent most of our time going to doctors, she spent all of her time crying - for like five months. I didn't have the time or energy to "fall in love" with her. Like I said, of course I loved her and felt protective towards her, but it wasn't the crazy joyful can't-wait-to-see-her-in-the-morning kind of love. Once things settled down and she got better and we could all catch our breath - I am just flat eaten up with the baby love.

    I have said like a million times that I would've been so different about my pregnancy if I had any idea just how much I'd be in love with her. I totally would've taken more pictures, kept a journal, spent more time daydreaming about the nursery, talked to her, and just generally enjoyed it a lot more.

    But no, I didn't try to teach her Spanish in utero and I didn't sit around with a dreamy look on my face and my hands on my belly.
  • loosecurlsloosecurls Posts: 637Registered Users
    I'm officially a dork---I had a pregnancy journal. It covered my pregnancy & up 'til Betsy's 2nd b-day.
    Slinky's rule for NC.com:

    I suppose I can't judge you because you married a serviceman and it is wartime. Boo hoo. You must be loney sitting at home with nothing else to do but pick on people. Why don't you go masterbate again?
  • SweetPicklesSweetPickles Posts: 850Registered Users
    CGNYC wrote:
    ...she spent all of her time crying - for like five months. I didn't have the time or energy to "fall in love" with her. Like I said, of course I loved her and felt protective towards her, but it wasn't the crazy joyful can't-wait-to-see-her-in-the-morning kind of love. Once things settled down and she got better and we could all catch our breath - I am just flat eaten up with the baby love.
    Exactly. I mean, of course I loved Screamy Zora, but man did she make it hard sometimes. Now, even though we all have our moments, I am in complete lurve.
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  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    I certaninly wasn't excited since I didnt ever plan or wanted to have children. It was very tough emotionally for the first few months on top of the fact that my hormones were out of wack. But since I knew it was part of the process I just let my emotions do it's thing.

    I still dont feel this "bond" but I think it's mostly because I'm such a visual person. It all seems like pretend because I dont have something to look at. Although, the fluttering and belly kicking is a little freaky. I think I've watched too many ailien abduction movies :lol:

    I'm a pretty practical person who excels in crisis situtations. I feel well prepared about the emotional and physical aspects about what's going to happen. I come from a long line of breeding women who have very little complicatons and have babies with midwives. I'm not too concerned.

    Now that I'm feeling "normal" this part (the pregnancy) isn't so bad anymore. There's not much I can do to screw up. Once the kid gets mobile and starts getting into things, I think I'll start to worry.
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    I do suspect that it will feel very different to be pregnant again, having had a baby already.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • DarkAngelDarkAngel Posts: 2,671Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Major confession time. I don't know if I have ever mentioned this to anyone. I had a really strange delivery and did not get to see him until he was 36 hours old. By that point, I didn't want to see him. I tried to stall. No one else knew that's what I was doing but it worked. When I finally got to see him, I thought he's cute but can we stuff him back in for another few weeks. I was perfectly content most times to let the NICU nurses take over being in charge of him. I was confused when they said I could finally take him home. I wanted them to keep him longer. I liked him but it wasn't love at first site. I wasn't sure what to do with him. In retrospect, I think it was my screwed up way of coping.

    I liked him when I was pregnant. I didn't talk to him other than after my water broke and that was just in my head. I did play music for him if playing my music really loudly counts. He came out loving my music so it worked.
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  • SpiderSpider Posts: 3,381Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    The first time around with my daughter was very different- my relationship with her father was rocky to start with, and I almost didn't allow myself to get excited or enjoy the pregnancy because of him and the stress. But when I was alone, especially in the last trimester I started to bond very strongly with her because it was an "us VS him" sort of thing. Like no matter what happened, she was my baby, and I was her mom and we had each other- and that brought me a lot of comfort and strength.

    This time around with my husband is the loving, supportive, exciting time it's "supposed" to be, and my emotions and bonding are probably split between my husband for being there for me and for this new life that we're going to have together. So I feel calmer, more comfortable and more trusting of what's going to happen, but it's going to be more realistic for me once the baby's born and I have that tangible being to relate to and love unconditionally.

    There's not right or wrong way to feel. I'll be the first to say I'm not really a baby person- never have been, except with my own child (ren). Then I'm complelely mushy-gushy because they're mine.
    Don't let your heart be broken. Let it love.
  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    There are many normal stages that women go through when they give birth. All of them are just part of everything going on with you and your body.

    When I was pregnant the first time it was all about the baby b/c it HAD to be. We were living SUCH a completely different lifestyle that when I found out I was pregnant we had to do a total change in our life. There was so much focus on the baby b/c it was a HUGE change that we weren't expecting. But I don't think I talked to her or played music or sang or anything like that. There was a lot of focus on her coming, but it was very surreal.

    After I had her there was that love at first sight, and for the first few months, but at around 3 or 4 months I started having PPD issues, and I didn't want much to do with her. There were times I didn't even want to feed her. It got worse and worse, and when she hit about 8, 9 months, and started moving around and exploring I was CONSTANTLY frustrated with her.

    I feel like I lost the first year and a half of her life until I was treated b/c I was so stressed out and depressed. My husband was working all the time, so I had to do it all by myself. I honestly feel like I was the worst mother in the world at that time.

    This pregnancy is TOTALLY different so far. The focus is ALL on my toddler b/c she's here in front of me. We know I'm pregnant, and that we're going to have another baby, but since that baby isn't here yet, it's kind of secondary.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • shellibeanshellibean Posts: 4,500Registered Users
    My husband talks to my tummy and gives it kisses and stuff, but other than that- nothing really. I mean, it can't hear yet. Maybe when I know that it can hear I will start doing all that stuff. I always said
    I will read to my tummy b/c I want the baby to love reading and books.

    I have been feeling a bit guilty about somehing though. Whenever my stomach starts to hurt, liek when I get cramps (pretty often), I just want the pain to stop. And I feel guilty about feeling like that b/c if something (GOD FORBID) happened, I know I would feel horrible b/c I didn't mean it that way really. i am also very nervous about not thinking my baby is beautiful. like, i have seen some people's babys who are not very cute, adn whiel it should not matter at all, i can't help but notice. I feel like a horrible person b/c ALL babies should be considered beautiful. So, I am scared that I will get "paid back" for having those thoughts. is that terrible or what?!
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

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  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,938Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I worried about the whole Ugly Baby thing too. And I've been very careful UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHO THEY ARE not to say other people's babies are ugly because really, how much would it hurt to know someone was thinking your kid is fug? I'm thinking a lot.

    Of course, my baby was and is beautiful. Really. I have the pics to prove it.
  • rileybrileyb Posts: 1,975Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    CGNYC wrote:
    I worried about the whole Ugly Baby thing too. And I've been very careful UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHO THEY ARE not to say other people's babies are ugly because really, how much would it hurt to know someone was thinking your kid is fug? I'm thinking a lot.

    Of course, my baby was and is beautiful. Really. I have the pics to prove it.

    DOOD. Sometimes babies are not cute! I will not tell a lie! :P
    I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
  • mad scientistmad scientist Posts: 3,530Registered Users
    My experience was much like DarkAngel's, although I have no excuse because Karan wasn't a preemie.

    I was just SO TIRED and generally unwell (I lost a lot of blood) after the delivery that I just didn't want to see my baby. I just wanted to sleep. I ended up sending the baby to the nursery for a few hours the first night.

    Over the course of the next week or so, I'm sure there was at least a dozen times when I FORGOT that I had a baby! It was the weirdest thing. I would hear crying and ignore it and then realize "Wait, that's MY baby".

    I'm mortified to admit it but it took about a month for me to start feeling an attachment to my baby.

    And I never talked to the baby in utero except for the occasional "Settle down in there, Mommy wants to sleep".
  • goldencurlygoldencurly Posts: 2,385Registered Users
    With my first pregnancy, which was an accident, I was too shocked by it to accept it until it ended in a miscarriage. Then I was left with the neurotic guilt that me not wanting to be pregnant had somehow causes the miscarriage. The scarring, physically, was very bad and I was told I may not ever be able to have children. Later, years later, I had a planned pregnancy. I talked to the baby from day 1. My husband sang to her and played his guitar for her. We played classical music. We read to the tummy. Yes, we loved her before we knew her.

    This time, I have a life :lol: I do read aloud to the tummy sometimes and occasionally speak to it, but I'm not obsessive about it like I was with my daughter. I have so many things going on now....or maybe it just seems that way. I talk ABOUT the baby alot, much moreso than to it. However, now I also have a 9 year old who talks and reads to the baby, so some of the responsibility is lifted from me :lol:

    I am divorced from my daughter's father and remarried to a very different type of man. He touches the belly alot, but doesn't talk to it very much at all. Right now I think it's very abstract for him. I am big enough now that you can SEE the baby move and that is seeming to make it "more real" for hubby and his 2 daughters. One of them will touch the belly when the baby is moving, the other just stares at it wide eyed. Her father told her she can touch me and her response was, "I don't want to!!!" I told her she didn't have to. But I will tell her when it's moving and she'll watch it.

    I do have this sense of love for the baby already. But part of that is just my nature or even learned behavior. I pretty much love all children, mine and otherwise. I guess part of that comes from my childhood issues and feeling like there were times when I was not loved or I was in the way or whatever. So I've always hugged everyone's children and made them feel welcome or special and loved.
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  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    I guess part of that comes from my childhood issues and feeling like there were times when I was not loved or I was in the way or whatever. So I've always hugged everyone's children and made them feel welcome or special and loved.

    I'm sorry about your feelings as a child but the latter part of your post is one of the most loving things I've read around this board. Love it and the fact that there are poeple like you in the world. It's great to love one's own children but to love others is a gift to be nurtured.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    DarkAngel wrote:
    Major confession time. I don't know if I have ever mentioned this to anyone. I had a really strange delivery and did not get to see him until he was 36 hours old. By that point, I didn't want to see him. I tried to stall. No one else knew that's what I was doing but it worked. When I finally got to see him, I thought he's cute but can we stuff him back in for another few weeks. I was perfectly content most times to let the NICU nurses take over being in charge of him. I was confused when they said I could finally take him home. I wanted them to keep him longer. I liked him but it wasn't love at first site. I wasn't sure what to do with him. In retrospect, I think it was my screwed up way of coping.

    I liked him when I was pregnant. I didn't talk to him other than after my water broke and that was just in my head. I did play music for him if playing my music really loudly counts. He came out loving my music so it worked.

    DA, we talked about this kind of situation a lot in my doula training. It is normal to feel like this after a traumatic birth experience. It is not a screwed up way of coping--it is a normal way of coping.

    During my training, the RN who manages Women's and Infant's Services at my hospital came and told us about her traumatic birth. She had a drug-free delivery and everything went fine until 30 minutes went by and still no placenta. The doctors had to reach inside her uterus and try to manually scrape her placenta from the uterus--and remember she did not have an epidural. I think she actually ended up in the OR, faced with the possibility of a hysterectomy and never having another child. It was such a traumatic experience that it was a long time before she could bond with her baby.

    Your story also reminded me of a recent experience I had. I went to visit one of my professors and he started telling me that he had 10-day old twins in the NICU--they were born at 26 weeks. I'll never forget the way he talked about those babies--like they were someone else's, like he was almost disgusted at how small they were. He was distancing himself from loving those babies because the situation was so traumatic, and their lives so fragile.

    sorry this is a long post, but I just wanted to say that delayed bonding is more common than we think, it's just that no one wants to talk about it.
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  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    iris427 wrote:
    DarkAngel wrote:
    Major confession time. I don't know if I have ever mentioned this to anyone. I had a really strange delivery and did not get to see him until he was 36 hours old. By that point, I didn't want to see him. I tried to stall. No one else knew that's what I was doing but it worked. When I finally got to see him, I thought he's cute but can we stuff him back in for another few weeks. I was perfectly content most times to let the NICU nurses take over being in charge of him. I was confused when they said I could finally take him home. I wanted them to keep him longer. I liked him but it wasn't love at first site. I wasn't sure what to do with him. In retrospect, I think it was my screwed up way of coping.

    I liked him when I was pregnant. I didn't talk to him other than after my water broke and that was just in my head. I did play music for him if playing my music really loudly counts. He came out loving my music so it worked.

    DA, we talked about this kind of situation a lot in my doula training. It is normal to feel like this after a traumatic birth experience. It is not a screwed up way of coping--it is a normal way of coping.

    During my training, the RN who manages Women's and Infant's Services at my hospital came and told us about her traumatic birth. She had a drug-free delivery and everything went fine until 30 minutes went by and still no placenta. The doctors had to reach inside her uterus and try to manually scrape her placenta from the uterus--and remember she did not have an epidural. I think she actually ended up in the OR, faced with the possibility of a hysterectomy and never having another child. It was such a traumatic experience that it was a long time before she could bond with her baby.

    Your story also reminded me of a recent experience I had. I went to visit one of my professors and he started telling me that he had 10-day old twins in the NICU--they were born at 26 weeks. I'll never forget the way he talked about those babies--like they were someone else's, like he was almost disgusted at how small they were. He was distancing himself from loving those babies because the situation was so traumatic, and their lives so fragile.

    sorry this is a long post, but I just wanted to say that delayed bonding is more common than we think, it's just that no one wants to talk about it.


    You may know this information better than me, but there are a few different stages of post partum. One is called the "taking in stage" where the mother is kind of 'queen-like' and has everyone around her do for her.

    Another, which I can't remember the term, is the stage like you explained where the mother wants nothing to do with the baby, and typically goes to sleep, or turns away from it.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • DarkAngelDarkAngel Posts: 2,671Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Thank you, Iris. Your posts help a lot. I plan to get a doula thanks to you if we have another baby. You wanna come and be mine? :)
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  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    DarkAngel wrote:
    Thank you, Iris. Your posts help a lot. I plan to get a doula thanks to you if we have another baby. You wanna come and be mine? :)

    I'm glad I could help.

    If you come to Missouruh I'll be your doula :)
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  • PoPo Posts: 2,607Registered Users
    I'm not a cutesie person.
    3c/4a
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    babywavy wrote:
    You may know this information better than me, but there are a few different stages of post partum. One is called the "taking in stage" where the mother is kind of 'queen-like' and has everyone around her do for her.

    Hey - no one told me I got to be queen-like and have people doing stuff for me. I totally missed out. :x
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • deezee02deezee02 Posts: 1,509Registered Users
    Well, Steven was a HUGE surprise for us...i did not even know i was pregnant until 2 months along (i had a period and everything, i was on the pill) So it was hard for me to form an attachment at first. Then i did not "feel" pregnant, not morning sickness, no craving nothing, i just felt hungover for the next month and i my body was changing so i felt like a girl who had to much beer adn too many tacos the night before.

    I never gave him a cutsey name or talked to him. When we found out about his illness i threw myself into learning everything i could about it and spent the next 10 weeks at dr's appointments.

    My labor was cake. went in to be induced Sunday night, water broke on its own monday afternoon, baby at 12:12am tuesday morning. very little pain and i was up and walking less then 1 hour after his birth and discharged 11 hours later.

    Steven spent the next 6 weeks in a hospital 1 hour away from home.

    in the end, i felt cheated. I did not get to bond with him untill just recently. I did not get to sit in the recovery room and be waited on while i took care of my baby. I did not get to breastfeed. Mike did not get to cut the cord. So many things that i felt i missed out on. To top it off, i did not fall in love with him right away liek everyone said i would. Mike would look at him all cutesy and you could just see how much he meant...i did nothave that feel and i could not make myself feel that way. There was one point, i wanted nothing to do with him anymore. i was sick of the dr's and test's and surgeries. i was sick of people telling me he was going to die. I just wanted my life back

    When we brought him home, i was scared to be alone with him for the first week and a half. I wanted someone else to keep taking care of him. I wanted a baby who was allowed to sleep through the night. It gets a little easier everyday, and i know if we ever have another one i will be fearful until we see the heart and ALL 4 chambers. I also know Steven will always take priority in my life b/c he needs so much extra care.
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