bedtime i doing something wrong?

itsjustmeghanitsjustmeghan Posts: 652Registered Users
so, maybe this is more because of comments other people have made to me more then a personal feeling, but i wanted some reassurance...
my husband and i both work full time. owen goes to daycare. the only time i get to see my little boy is in the evenings during the week.
so our bedtime routine is, we both bring him upstairs, get him changed and into his jammies and then we all go lay on our bed. i nurse him, and he usually plays around inbetween us on the bed for a little bit. we read books to him, and he enjoys rocking on his hands and knees, petting our faces, being silly, and having a good time. then eventually he nurses again and falls asleep, we move him to his crib, and then DH and i go downstairs and finish up whatever we want to get done for the evening.
i feel guilty though. like i'm doing something wrong. like i'm supposed to put him in his own bed and cry it out, but i can't imagine doing that. we all love our playtime on the bed before he sleeps. he goes down for naps at daycare no problem during the day, so i know he self soothes fine. he also goes down fine for the night if other people are babysitting in the evening. but i guess i am being selfish with my time with him, and since he goes down fine otherwise for other people, i want him to have that special time with us.

i'm getting lots of pressure from family members to start putting him down to bed the "normal" way. and i feel guilty like i'm doing something horrible and ruining my child.

i guess i just want to hear "he'll be fine. your routine is okay. do what's best for you and your family." because i'm not getting that at all from my family right now... my husband, fortunately, is feeling the same thing i do. we both cherish that half hour-hour time each evening we have with him. solid owen snuggle time.

so tell i messing up our child?
3A Once again on the quest for BSL healthy curly hair....


  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    posted on your other then you moved it so I'll repost:

    you are doing SOOOOO well. Seriously you will not mess him up by giving him time that you both love spending with him. I know there are hard core schedulers, I'm not one of them.

    Ian and Ryan have both had rhythms to most of their days and although those rhythms change according to their age and season it's pretty easy to pick up on them and fit our family's needs. I remember when Ian was much younger I felt bad and super guilty because he wasn't making it to bed before 9pm. See everyone else was putting their own kids to bed at 7pm. What I failed to realize was that Ian was taking a nap other kids didn't take in the afternoon and then we got to spend time with Daddy who got home late and he was in a great mood to go to bed at 9pm. So that is what fit our family despite it not being the norm.

    I know another mom who's husband works the nightshift so their family rhythm is completely different. They go to sleep around 2am, sleep in very late just in time for daddy to get home and spend time with them, they still get out for afternoon playdates and then get to spend time with daddy again before he heads out for work. Works for them, the family's needs are met and so what if it doesn't fit the mold?

    Once I let go of that I've realized that going with the flow and change while still respecting the needs of the FAMILY (not just one specific family member) is what works for us.

    I have found that people who do the whole, "well I did X, Y, Z just like we've done for the past 9 months and he won't go to sleep!" are the ones in for a rude awakening when the kids sleep cycles shift and change as they age.
  • sundaysunday Posts: 535Registered Users
    My feeling is that if your son seems happy with your routine, then he probably is. I'm just jealous that you can move your son after he has fallen asleep without him waking up and freaking out! How old is he?
    3 something
    fotki pw: sunday
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    I think you are doing fine. As long as you are all happy with the routine and he gets enough sleep, no reason to change anything. I used CIO as an absolute last resort because nothing else worked for us. No offense to your family, but I think you'd have to be smoking crack to suggest CIO to someone whose routine is working as well as yours is.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • mad scientistmad scientist Posts: 3,530Registered Users
    Your routine sounds great to me!

    Our routine is going up to Karan's room, and playing around (usually this involves Karan opening up the sock drawer and pulling out all his socks...), looking at books and then eventually getting into the rocker and snuggling until he starts drifting off to sleep and then I put him into his crib.

    Karan is not at all a cuddly kid.... except for those minutes before he goes to sleep. There is no way I'm giving those precious moments up! Like with Owen, I know that Karan can put himself to sleep (he does during the day, and most night I put him down awake), so I don't think there's anything wrong with him falling asleep on Mommy every now and again.

    It it makes you feel better, I'm getting flack from DH about the fact that Karan still doesn't regularly sleep through the night. He really thinks we should let him CIO but I'm not going to do it (ok I tried once and lasted all of 15 minutes). I also know that Karan can self-soothe and so if he's up and crying at night, that tell me that he needs something even if it is just a cuddle from Mommy. I don't care if he's 14 months old now I'm still not going to let him cry.

  • itsjustmeghanitsjustmeghan Posts: 652Registered Users
    thanks for the support. i guess i needed to hear that i'm doing okay. i get so stressed out feeling guilty for doing it this way, but doing the CIO method seems so counter intuitive to me. the baby cries because he needs something, and it's natural for you to want to take care of him. some of the people suggesting that method told me stories about their child puking repeatedly and them having to "let them sleep in it" because the baby was just doing it to get their just seems so wrong to do that to a baby. maybe it's just me...

    i think eventually we'll move the routine to his bedroom and do something like mad scientist's.

    owen still wakes up during the night too for a snack. once a night. i let him fuss around in his crib for a while before i go get him. sometimes he hums himself back to sleep. other times, he just needs that refill i guess.
    silly baby

    owen is 9 months old as of yesterday. getting so big.
    3A Once again on the quest for BSL healthy curly hair....
  • DarkAngelDarkAngel Posts: 2,671Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    If it works for you and your DH, then it is the perfect solution. No one else has to live in your house so their input is worthless.

    You will know if and when CIO or a variation of it is a better solution for you. If never, great.

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Theodor Seuss Geisel
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I think that you're doing just fine. It's working for you guys, and it's working for him.

    We do a routine as well, and yeah, sometimes she ends up fussing in her crib before falling asleep. We do go in and check on her...and she usually doesn't cry for more than 10 minutes. Most babies fuss when they are trying to sleep.

    We also did a modified CIO with my son when he was around this age. Eventually, they do need to learn to get to sleep on their own, and most of the time, there is some fussin'.
  • three rivers curlythree rivers curly Posts: 994Registered Users
    No one knows your family dynamics better than you. Really, if it is working for everyone keep it up. The routine will change as he grows, but we have found with Anna (5) that we go with what works for her. If he were getting up 20 times and it was a problem, then I'd say make a change. Right now, it seems like you have a very sweet bit of family time - who would want to give that up?
    Better everyone think your a fool, than to open your mouth and prove them right.

    Perception is not reality.
  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Posts: 791Registered Users
    Just do what works for you and your son. He probably enjoys the bonding time as much as you and your dh do.

    As much as we try, it's hard not to let those little comments people make undermine our confidence as parents.
    Long, blonde, 3a/mostly b hair.

  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    My mom was adament about getting her to settle herself to sleep on her own. I started putting her to bed and letting her cry it out little by little from the time she was like 3 months. I STILL feel guilty like I did it too soon.

    On the other hand, my daughter goes to bed SO well. She's always been fine with bedtime, and when I tell her it's time to bed she gathers up her stuffed animals and meets me at the stairs. She's been doing this since she was a year.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.

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