Mother issues

LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
So, my mother called tonight. For most people, it wouldn't be news, but in my case it is since I can't remember the last time she called me. Then again, I can't remember the last time I called her either. Probably around Christmas.

We're estranged. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that 8 years ago, she had me sign on a house for her. It's legally in my name, but she's supposed to be making the payments. Over the last few years, she has had a hard time making the mortgage because it's increased several times since we bought it. The insurance has gone up and the mortgage company from hell has a clause in their contract that states that if the property tax isn't paid in a particular year, they will pay it for you, but they'll tack the payment to the mortgage. Over all this time, I've given her money to pay the light bill, the car note, the satellite TV bill and part of the mortgage. She does not make enough money to cover the mortgage and some of the toys she has and I told her several times that if she wants to ease her financial problems, she either needs to give up the satellite dish, get a 2nd job and/or take in a boarder. The house has 6 rooms and she is the only one living there. Ridiculous. She has many excuses as to why she can't do what I suggest (TV reception is poor where she lives and it's her only entertainment, she is too tired to get a 2nd job after working all day, she doesn't trust strangers enough for them to live there, etc). 2 years ago, I got fed up and flat out told her that I was being used and I wouldn't do it anymore. Ever since then, our relationship has been icy since she feels that I am selfish. She also has the attitude that since she gave birth to me and raised me that I now "owe" her. I realized awhile ago that if the situation were reversed that she would have every right to tell me to grow up and stand on my own two feet. But because she is my mother and is older than me, than I am supposed to just keep quiet and be docile and to automatically respect her. Well, respect goes both ways. She shouldn't get a free pass just because we share the same DNA. I would not have allowed a friend to treat me the way that she treated me for so long.

Anyway, tonight she said that she'd been calling for the past few days and wondered where I was because I didn't answer. I was on vacation in Canada for a week and just got back yesterday. I didn't tell her this beforehand because then she'll wonder why I'm spending money on travel and on myself and not supporting her. Then she asked if I was sending something for Mother's Day since I didn't send her anything for Christmas. I'd said that I couldn't afford to send her anything for Christmas. She then ranted that I was able to afford to get my father a sweater but that I couldn't get anything for her. The main reason why I got my father a gift is because he doesn't treat me like an ATM, but like a daughter. She was calling from her job, so I didn't really want to call her out at that point, but I am just so angry. The situation with her is extremely painful for me. I wish we could have a real relationship but it won't happen until my mother actually regards me as a daughter. I did write her a letter explaining some of what I've said here, but I think she'll view it as harsh and our rift will just continue. Sorry for the long post. I really don't know any other way to deal with this.
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Comments

  • kenzie!kenzie! Posts: 5,055Registered Users
    I'm so sorry you're in this situation.....

    May I ask why you signed for the house and continue to pay for things?? Please don't feel like you have to answer this at all.
    Rock Chalk Baby!! If you aren't from Kansas, you just won't understand!

    Dame Kenz Matilda Jayhawk-Rocksalt, heir to the family diamonds.
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm sorry. I don't think there's anything you can do to mend your relationship. The balls in her court in that matter. She needs to learn to treat you with respect.

    If it was me, then I'd say some tough love is in order. She's already reversed your relationship, run with it. She is taking advantage of you, if she pulled that crap with the bank or a landlord, then she'd be on the street.

    It's one thing to help a person when they're down on their luck. But she isn't even trying to live within her means.
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    May I ask why you signed for the house and continue to pay for things?? Please don't feel like you have to answer this at all.

    It's ok.

    I never really wanted to agree to it, but at the time I didn't feel as though I had a right to say no. I felt that being dutiful was the only way that I would feel loved and accepted by my mother. Remember, she has an entitlement complex and feels that I owe her somehow. In fact, the situation has shown me just how manipulative and selfish she can be, which are aspects that I never fully saw before. I accept responsibility for my part in it. In fact, I would love to cut our losses and just sell the damn place, but she won't have it. Some friends have told me to just sell it from under her, but it seems so heartless and cold to me.
    Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
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  • kenzie!kenzie! Posts: 5,055Registered Users
    LadyV69 wrote: »
    May I ask why you signed for the house and continue to pay for things?? Please don't feel like you have to answer this at all.
    It's ok.

    I never really wanted to agree to it, but at the time I didn't feel as though I had a right to say no. I felt that being dutiful was the only way that I would feel loved and accepted by my mother. Remember, she has an entitlement complex and feels that I owe her somehow. In fact, the situation has shown me just how manipulative and selfish she can be, which are aspects that I never fully saw before. I accept responsibility for my part in it. In fact, I would love to cut our losses and just sell the damn place, but she won't have it. Some friends have told me to just sell it from under her, but it seems so heartless and cold to me.

    Honestly if I were you, I would prepay 3 or so months in a townhouse or apartment and tell her she can move in there or find her own place because you're going to sell the house. Its in your name, you're the one paying for it, its up to you what to do with it. Cympreni is right, the ball IS in her court, and you may have to employ some tough love.

    Of course, take all advice with a grain of salt. This is what I would do, and it may not be right for you.
    Rock Chalk Baby!! If you aren't from Kansas, you just won't understand!

    Dame Kenz Matilda Jayhawk-Rocksalt, heir to the family diamonds.
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    Of course, take all advice with a grain of salt. This is what I would do, and it may not be right for you.

    I could do that. But then, often, when people post on public forums about their relationship issues, they know what it is that they should be doing and the advice people give just validates what they should do. So it may not be so simple to just take it or leave it :D
    Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Sounds like she's working you over...softening you up with a guilt-trip only mothers are capable of...so that you'll send her money for Mother's Day. Be strong.
  • SpringcurlSpringcurl Posts: 8,002Registered Users
    Some people might not understand this:
    We're estranged. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that 8 years ago, she had me sign on a house for her. It'

    I have to say I completely get it. My mother made me do something similar once to the tune of about $8,000. It ruined my credit for years because I couldn't make the payments.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
    TWINKLES.gifTWINKLES.gifTWINKLES.gif

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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    Please do not let her guilt trip you!
    Heck, even when direct DNA is not involved, I know it can be hard...g/l & take care of yourself.........
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • freecurlfreecurl Posts: 281Registered Users
    I strongly recommend a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
    This book has helped me tremendously in setting boundaries with family and friends.
    This book has literally changed my life.
  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,938Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    LadyV69 wrote: »
    Of course, take all advice with a grain of salt. This is what I would do, and it may not be right for you.
    I could do that. But then, often, when people post on public forums about their relationship issues, they know what it is that they should be doing and the advice people give just validates what they should do. So it may not be so simple to just take it or leave it :D

    Then what are you asking?

    The most logical thing to do is sell the house and let her live within her means. What you probably want is for her to grow up, take care of her own stuff, and thank you for supporting her for so long. What is going to happen is that she's going to continue to live beyond her means and you're going to pay for it.

    She is a grown woman. She is the way she is and she always will be.

    It's a HOUSE. This is going to be a problem till it's paid off. How long will that be? A while, I'm guessing.

    Sell the house. She can live in an apartment she can afford. Lots of people do. It won't be easy for you to break the news, but is it going to be easy for you to be mad about this house for the next 25 years? Wouldn't you rather put out this fire now, be mad for a while, and then start working past it - or you could just drag this on forever till the house is paid off.

    I appreciate it's a tough situation. Probably most people do. Most all of us have parents and few of us have parents we think are perfect.
  • kat180kat180 Posts: 6,280Registered Users Curl Novice
    God just sell the house- its not worth getting into serious money problems over. She does NOT need a 6 bedroom house. She cannot afford it and neither can you. She wont like it but its time for her to grow up.

    Tell her neither of you can afford it anymore so you are selling up- be firm. Give her a few months to get things in order, and help her look for an apartment within her means. Don't back down whatever she says. If she becomes completely impossible, just sell the thing and build bridges later.
  • VTmomVTmom Posts: 2,487Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    This sounds like a really tough situation. Can I ask why that particular house was bought when she couldn't afford it? Was her financial situation better 8 years ago, or was it understood that it was a house she would never be able to afford? I think your only recourse may be to sell it...or else it's going to drain you until it's paid off. I know it's much easier for us to say what we think you should do, than it is for you to actually do it. Good luck.
    The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention.

    I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. (Invictus - William Ernest Henley)

    Just think I used to worry 'bout things like that,
    Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny, 'til I wound up poor and fat,
    Nowadays I kind of worry where my mind's been at,
    Just think I used to worry 'bout things like that. (Delbert McClinton - I Used to Worry from Never Been Rocked Enough)
  • CsaracCsarac Posts: 861Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    CGNYC wrote: »
    LadyV69 wrote: »
    Of course, take all advice with a grain of salt. This is what I would do, and it may not be right for you.
    I could do that. But then, often, when people post on public forums about their relationship issues, they know what it is that they should be doing and the advice people give just validates what they should do. So it may not be so simple to just take it or leave it :D

    Then what are you asking?

    The most logical thing to do is sell the house and let her live within her means. What you probably want is for her to grow up, take care of her own stuff, and thank you for supporting her for so long. What is going to happen is that she's going to continue to live beyond her means and you're going to pay for it.

    She is a grown woman. She is the way she is and she always will be.

    It's a HOUSE. This is going to be a problem till it's paid off. How long will that be? A while, I'm guessing.

    Sell the house. She can live in an apartment she can afford. Lots of people do. It won't be easy for you to break the news, but is it going to be easy for you to be mad about this house for the next 25 years? Wouldn't you rather put out this fire now, be mad for a while, and then start working past it - or you could just drag this on forever till the house is paid off.

    I appreciate it's a tough situation. Probably most people do. Most all of us have parents and few of us have parents we think are perfect.

    I 100% agree with this. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and hope you can find the strength to change this situation. Even though the ball is in her court, SHE is NEVER (and I say this with as gently as I can on the internet), and I mean NEVER going to change, honey. So all you can do is change how YOU interact with her and it's probably time to make some changes so you are not financially and emotionally manipulated for however long you have this house. Once she gets over her anger at you selling, you will at the very least have a chance to start healing your relationship but as long as she is manipulating you and you are resenting her, you are both stuck.

    Good luck with this! Remember, NO ONE is allowed to make you miserable. No one.
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  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    Thanks to all who have posted so far.

    What makes it so difficult is that I don't feel that I can be honest with her. She's the type that prefers to stick her head in the sand rather than deal with reality. She'd probably be overjoyed if I went back to being the docile daughter I was in my teens and 20's, but to a large extent, those years were hell for me. Obviously, trying to please her has been nothing but a nightmare for me. It wasn't until a few years ago that I really began to stand up to her and apparently, she can't take it. I'm amending the letter to state that I intend to have that house sold. We're already barely speaking. If she chooses to leave my life for good, I haven't lost anything.
    Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
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  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    Anyway to get the house put in just her name? It sounds like you've paid your daughter 'dues' plus some.

    There should be no strings attached. You don't owe your mother a house or money or anything if she's able to work a job and doesn't have some serious illness where she couldn't. She gave you life and now it's your life to live.
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    The reason why the house is in my name in the first place is because she has bad credit. If she defaults on the mortgage, I can't afford to pay it and my rent too (we live about 1800 miles apart). So it's risky for my credit to even keep the house. I halfway expect her to disown me when she reads in my letter of my intention to sell the place, but there isn't much alternative.
    Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
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  • GRUGRU Posts: 32Registered Users
    Being disowned isn't always such a bad thing.

    Eight years ago, my mother disowned me because I put my sick dog to sleep without getting my mother's permission first. (I'm 41yo now... you do the math!)

    She has forbidden my father, brother (and his wife and five sons) and all of my aunts/uncles/cousins from maintaining contact with me. She's always had some pretty major control issues (in case you couldn't already tell!), so I'm not that surprised that my father and brother went along with it, but I was surprised at how far-reaching her control was when it came to extended family. The only relatives who will still communicate with me are 3rd/4th/5th cousins who live out of state.

    I live 25 minutes away from my parents, and they haven't seen my son since his 2nd birthday, 8+ years ago. Fortunately, my son doesn't remember them (they were never all that connected to him even before the rift -- my mom hated being a grandmother b/c that meant she was "old"... newsflash, if you were born in the 1930s, YOU ARE OLD WHETHER YOU HAVE GRANDKIDS OR NOT!!!!). My son knows that my parents -- particularly my mother -- have a mental illness, and that as a result they don't know how to love properly, and that's why we don't see them or have anything to do with them. He never missed what he never knew, and he has so much love in his life from other sources around him that he really isn't missing out on anything.

    Anyway, didn't mean to steal your thread or anything -- just wanted to point out that you CAN survive being disowned, and in a really dysfunctional relationship, it can often be a good thing. Going through a holiday season about a year after my own disowning, one day I looked over at Hubster and said, "You know what? I don't even miss them!" That, if nothing else, drove home to me what a GOOD thing this ended up being in the end.

    It hurt like heck to know that my mother really didn't love me (something I'd suspected my whole life was finally confirmed), but it also felt good to know that I was now strong enough to get myself out of that situation. It's almost like leaving an abusive spouse... my mother may not have beat me physically, but she sure did spend my entire life (up until 8 years ago) abusing me emotionally.

    ((((HUGS)))) Hang in there... you CAN get through this!
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    You're def doing the right thing, even tho I imagine it isn't easy...
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    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    Being disowned isn't always such a bad thing.

    In the long run, it might not be in my particular case. I've barely spoken to my mother in the past two years anyway, so the permanent non-communication wouldn't be a big stretch. In the short term, though, it is kind of devastating. For a while, I've known intellectually that my mother doesn't love me. I haven't accepted that emotionally. I think it's because it's every society's expectation that all mothers love and nurture their children. When you're an unloved child, it hurts, because you're cheated out of one of the basic necessities of life. What makes this even harder is that my mother wasn't neglectful or physically abusive. She made sure I had a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes on my back. If anything, she tended to be controlling and overprotective, so growing up, I thought she cared a little too much. Now that I see that it was probably the opposite, it's been hard for me to accept.
    Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
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    Leave-In: KCKT, Giovanni Direct Leave-In, CJ Smoothing Lotion
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  • GRUGRU Posts: 32Registered Users
    LadyV69 wrote: »
    In the long run, it might not be in my particular case. I've barely spoken to my mother in the past two years anyway, so the permanent non-communication wouldn't be a big stretch. In the short term, though, it is kind of devastating. For a while, I've known intellectually that my mother doesn't love me. I haven't accepted that emotionally. I think it's because it's every society's expectation that all mothers love and nurture their children. When you're an unloved child, it hurts, because you're cheated out of one of the basic necessities of life. What makes this even harder is that my mother wasn't neglectful or physically abusive. She made sure I had a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes on my back. If anything, she tended to be controlling and overprotective, so growing up, I thought she cared a little too much. Now that I see that it was probably the opposite, it's been hard for me to accept.

    I think a big part of my healing has been learning just how truly DAMAGING it is for a child to grow up in a conrolling, manipulative environment. Like you, I wasn't beaten, I had clothes and food and all that jazz. I had it in the back of my head that I didn't really have a right to complain, because some kids had it so much worse than I did, ya know?

    Well, that's a bunch of horsepoop -- just because I wasn't beaten or molested doesn't mean that I had what I needed in my childhood. Love is just as crucial for a child's well-being as food and shelter, and the plain and simple truth was that I didn't get what I *needed*... not providing love is just as harmful as not providing food, and there is no excuse for raising a child that way.

    I remember a time when my son was about 2-3yo and he was sick, so I had stayed home from work with him. We were cuddled up on the couch watching his favorite Pooh movie, and I looked over at Hubster, who was doing some work at the kitchen table. I asked him if his mom used to do this when he was sick... sit and cuddle on the couch with him. He looked at me like I was crazy.... duh, of course she did! That's the kind of thing my mother was incapable of doing. Not because she didn't love me or because she wanted to hurt me, but because she simply didn't understand (and therefore was incapable of) what it took to be a parent. That was one of several "lightbulb moments" for me.

    I'll probably never know *why* my mom is the way she is. My maternal grandmother was totally NOT like my mother (she was one of the few relatives who I always knew loved me, and she'd be royally ticked off at my mother for the way she's been acting), and my uncle was a very involved, affectionate, hands-on kind of dad with his kids, so it's not that my mom learned her "parenting style" from her own family of origin.

    Another big lightbulb moment for me was reading this book: It's Not Your Fault: How Healing Relationships Change Your Brain & Can Help You Overcome a Painful Past The first few chapters deal with brain development in children, and how being deprived of loving, secure relationships causes the brain to not develop the "normal" pathways that a typical child's brain would have. Reading a developmental psychology textbook will reinforce those same concepts of how a baby's primary caregiver is instrumental in guiding the "inner pathways" in the child's brain as it develops.

    I'd always thought that it was *me* that was the problem... and this of course was reinforced by my mother's constantly finding fault with me. The thing I've come to realize is, it's not that my mother didn't love me because I was a depressed, confrontational child. I was a depressed, confrontational child because my mother didn't love me.

    One more major lightbulb moment (as you can see, I've had several!) was a couple years ago when I took an Al-Anon quiz. Even though my mom didn't drink alcohol at all, I answered "yes" to about 16 of the 20 questions. Then when I got to the end of the quiz, it said, "If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, Al-Anon can help you."

    That was actually more than a lightbulb moment -- it really blew my mind! How come I scored so high on a test for the children/family members of alcoholics when neither of my parents were drinkers? And that's when I learned what codependence was all about. I used to think it just meant "enabling" but it really is so much more than that. It's about trying to control the environment around you to make up for the things in your life that are beyond your control. And it's about feeling guilty or responsible for things that aren't really your job to worry about. This book helped me to see that light: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself


    It does hurt -- I'm not going to lie to you about that. But it *does* get better over time.

    (((HUGS)))
    --combination 3b/3c, CG method since Oct 2009
    --former Product Junkie, now a Product Minimalist
    --using henna to cover gray and add oomph to strawberry-blonde hair
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    If you're looking for anymore opinions, mine is that you should sell the house. In this market it will probably take a while, so she will have plenty of time to get used to the idea and find a less expensive place to live. Or maybe her credit is better now and she might want to buy it from you (at a lower interest rate and lower purchase price which would make the payment affordable for her???)

    I'm sorry you are going through this.

  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    Sorry for updating this so late, but this was the first time I actually had time to search for this thread.

    So, about two days before Mother's Day, my mom called and left a message. I had gone out that night after work and by the time I got home, it was late. So I returned the call the next morning. Basically, she apologized and said that she'd never disown me and that she didn't mean to make me feel as though I was just an ATM to her. She then stated that she hadn't asked me for a dime in two years. Which is true, but I had to tell her to stop doing so. She also stated that she is squeaking by regardless and that she wouldn't let me put her out of "her" house. Which legally isn't hers since it's in my name. She then went on to state that she thought I hadn't wanted anything to do with HER which is why she hardly has called me for the last couple of years. More mind *******. I didn't want to have anything to do with her until I was positive that I would be treated as a human being. Then she wondered why I was still holding on to this "grudge" over stuff that happened several years ago. I bear the brunt of the responsibility for letting her manipulate me like that in the first place. Even though a part of me did not feel comfortable in signing my name on to that house, I didn't feel that I had a right to say no. I felt that doing what she wanted was what you were supposed to do for your parent. It was the same thing with all the light bills, car notes and other bills that I paid for her over time. Since my mother had raised me, then I felt that I was supposed to return the favor, even though the longer it went on, the more resentful I felt. When I started limiting my contact with her two years ago, it was really the first time that I actually stood up to her over anything substantial and I felt that she was resentful over losing her ability to manipulate me, so I figured that was why she limiting her contact with me. Since she's saying now that it wasn't the case, I don't know whether she's being really sincere or whether she's attempting to placate me thinking she can try to manipulate me in the future.

    My dad called me tonight to tell me that my sister had called him to ask him what the deal was between my mom and me. My dad told her he was staying out of it. My sister stated that my mother wanted to discuss my letter with her. My mother is probably dragging my sister into this in order to divide and conquer and pit her against me. My sister has also asked me for money in the past and I cut off contact with her the same time I cut off contact with my mother. I hate that I have to be on guard with my mother and sister and that I don't feel that I can take anything they do or say at face value. I feel like an orphan, even though I have a family.
    Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
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    BC'd: 9/18/09
    Co-wash: Suave Naturals, HEHH, Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle, CJ Daily Fix
    Leave-In: KCKT, Giovanni Direct Leave-In, CJ Smoothing Lotion
    Stylers: ORS Twist and Loc Gel, KCCC, Ecostyler, SheaMoisture Deep Treatment Masque
    Deep Conditioner: DevaCurl Heaven In Hair, CJ Deep Fix

    http://confessionsofladyv69.wordpress.com/
  • kenzie!kenzie! Posts: 5,055Registered Users
    I'm so sorry LadyV....

    All I can say is that if I were you I would get rid of the house. If she kicks and screams and throws tantrums, then so be it. But neither of you can afford it and she doesn't need 6 bedrooms all to herself.

    And bringing your sister into it too?? That's just fighting dirty. :sad3:

    Honestly, I DO think that your family treats you like a walking ATM....but I'm not sure what to do about it besides refuse and cut ties....:scratch:

    And you always have your curly family!! Its not the same, but we really do love you!
    Rock Chalk Baby!! If you aren't from Kansas, you just won't understand!

    Dame Kenz Matilda Jayhawk-Rocksalt, heir to the family diamonds.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I've never dealt w/ anything like this...so take this w/ a grain of salt, too. LOL

    But there was just a point in your earlier post that stuck out to me:

    You say your mother doesn't love you. How do you know that? I think most mothers do love their kids but some people are just unhealthy and the way they love is dysfunctional. Maybe you wouldn't feel so sad and hurt by all of this if you just looked at the situation as having to deal w/ a mother who definitely loves you but is just immature/needy/greedy/emotionally unhealthy?

    I have to say, I know a LOT of people whose mothers have stuck them paying bills, signing for houses, turning on utilities, etc. Both of the people I've sold houses to in the past two years were young 20something guys signing for their mothers who had bad credit. This is very common, esp in certain communities. A close friend of mine couldn't take out student loans for college b/c her mom had ruined her credit when she was in high school by using her SSN to apply for cards and buy things. Another friend has been writing her mother off on her taxes as a dependent since she was 21 b/c she basically supports her, as her mother has a mild form of a mental illness and can't/won't work.

    It's totally wrong IMO for a parent to lean on a young child like that. But it doesn't necessarily mean there is no love. It's just selfish/immature and a product of certain environments where lots of other women tell how their kids bailed them out of this and that and gave them money for such and such. Don't take it so personally and as though she (and your sister) is purposely setting out to exploit you, but rather that she sees you as the person in the family who has her **** together the most and who has been blessed w/ a good job and lots of disposable income. It's dysfunctional but doesn't speak to the issue of "love" at all IMO.

    Personally, I would encourage her to buy the house from you, at the amount you currently owe, using 2010 interest rates. If she's been consistently paying on it for 8 years (w/ or w/o your help), her credit might be ok.

    ((HUGS))

  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    kenzie! wrote: »
    I'm so sorry LadyV....

    All I can say is that if I were you I would get rid of the house. If she kicks and screams and throws tantrums, then so be it. But neither of you can afford it and she doesn't need 6 bedrooms all to herself.

    And bringing your sister into it too?? That's just fighting dirty. :sad3:

    Honestly, I DO think that your family treats you like a walking ATM....but I'm not sure what to do about it besides refuse and cut ties....:scratch:

    And you always have your curly family!! Its not the same, but we really do love you!

    I'm thinking she means it's a 3 bedroom house w/ a living room, dining room and kitchen.

  • GRUGRU Posts: 32Registered Users
    You say your mother doesn't love you. How do you know that? I think most mothers do love their kids but some people are just unhealthy and the way they love is dysfunctional. Maybe you wouldn't feel so sad and hurt by all of this if you just looked at the situation as having to deal w/ a mother who definitely loves you but is just immature/needy/greedy/emotionally unhealthy?

    I'm not the OP, but I can respond to this. As an adult who is also a parent, I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that my mother doesn't love me, and never did. It's not just one single thing in situations like this, it's a whole set of various behaviors that are maintained over the long term.

    Almost every kid goes through that "mom/dad hates me" phase of rebellion, when they're mad b/c they aren't allowed to go to a rated R movie with friends, or go to a slumber party, or *whatever*. We're talking about something way more major than that: longstanding emotional abuse and/or physical abuse (or neglect) that transcends both time and situation.

    If it were a teenager saying "my mom doesn't love me" I'd be a lot more prone to discount it. But coming from a mature, responsible adult? Having lived through it myself, coming from an adult I tend to agree it is the real deal.
    --combination 3b/3c, CG method since Oct 2009
    --former Product Junkie, now a Product Minimalist
    --using henna to cover gray and add oomph to strawberry-blonde hair
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    I need to clarify. I'm sure my mother doesn't hate me. But I don't think she's capable of giving me the kind of love I need either.

    I actually spoke to her on Mother's Day too and she mentioned that she wants us to repair our relationship. I haven't a clue on how to go about doing that. The few times we've spoken over the phone the last two years, the conversations lasted about five minutes and mainly consisted of me giving monosyllabic answers. Even before the rift, we never had a particularly close relationship. A couple of my friends consider their moms their friends, but I can't say that about mine. I can't talk to her about a number of things I talk to my girlfriends about because she's too uncomfortable. Not that I'd want to tell her EVERYTHING, but I've seen total strangers have a warmer relationship than we do. Now that she trying to drag my sister into this, I'm not positive that she's even sincere about trying to repair our relationship, since I suspect that she's trying to pit my sister against me. I suspect that as long as I go along with her games, she'll be placated, but I'm not having it anymore and our relationship will continue to be strained. I keep going round in circles.
    Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
    Last relaxer: Not sure. 3/08 or 4/08
    BC'd: 9/18/09
    Co-wash: Suave Naturals, HEHH, Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle, CJ Daily Fix
    Leave-In: KCKT, Giovanni Direct Leave-In, CJ Smoothing Lotion
    Stylers: ORS Twist and Loc Gel, KCCC, Ecostyler, SheaMoisture Deep Treatment Masque
    Deep Conditioner: DevaCurl Heaven In Hair, CJ Deep Fix

    http://confessionsofladyv69.wordpress.com/
  • GRUGRU Posts: 32Registered Users
    LadyV69 wrote: »
    I need to clarify. I'm sure my mother doesn't hate me. But I don't think she's capable of giving me the kind of love I need either.

    Exactly! I think people who haven't been in this type of relationship see this as an "either/or" or "black/white" thing: Person A doesn't love Person B, so therefore Person A *hates* Person B. But there is sooooooo much gray area between the two ends of the spectrum! I don't love green beans, but that doesn't mean I harbor any hatred for them!

    The way that we explained it to my son wasn't that my parents were terrible, evil people -- just that they had a problem in their brains that prevented them from being able to love properly, and because of this we don't associate with them in order to protect my son and myself from their unloving actions.

    I don't hate my parents, but I do pity them. There is so much more to life than they will ever be able to comprehend.
    --combination 3b/3c, CG method since Oct 2009
    --former Product Junkie, now a Product Minimalist
    --using henna to cover gray and add oomph to strawberry-blonde hair

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